huh

I had an interesting day yesterday.

I made a list of things I wanted to get done, and I cranked through them. I actually managed to get nearly all of them finished. My guitar lesson didn't happen because my teacher didn't show. I guess she has a new job and we hadn't checked in about changing the time. I am not too worried about rescheduling, she's good about that, it's just a matter of finding a time that works for both of us, especially with me heading out of town for a week on Saturday afternoon. But I got a ton of stuff out in the mail, one package went out to a friend with a collection of stuff that I hadn't sent to her in years, including a thank you note from our wedding, yikes!

I dropped off some little Valentine chocolates to friends, I even did some work errands, fitting in an hour and a half where i thought maybe I wouldn't get to do anything.

I even made it to the pool for 30-40 minutes or so & got about 5 minutes in at the sauna. G got me a dozen pink roses (my favorite color) and I got him a cute balloon, but we didn't really do anything else special to celebrate Valentine's day.

The one other thing I didn't get done that was on my list was get the give-away clothes out of the house. I realized at the last minute that I could have even fulfilled that list item by at least bagging them up and bringing them to the car that night, but somehow just realizing I COULD have done that, seemed to let me off the hook for doing it.

By many accounts, I did really well yesterday, I was productive, caught up on a lot of backlog stuff. For much of the day I was feeling almost high at the prospect of spring, the sun was out, the snow was melting and the birds were chattering. But somehow on my way to the pool, I found myself really, really sad. Crying. I couldn't connect it to anything specific really. I was maybe a little bummed we didn't do anything very special for Valentine's, but I definitely didn't want to go out and eat a big meal after our crazy indulgent weekend, and we're about to go on a trip together to TX, so it seemed silly to go out anywhere with that big expense coming up, so I don't know what else I really would have wanted to do. As I gently poked around my mind and body trying to figure out the why, I also had the thought, "why is it so important to know WHY this is happening? What if you were just experiencing it and could be ok with that? Just release it and let it go. Does it really matter one way or another why as long as it gets out?"

I met with my herbalist today who said that the spring is the season of the liver, and that the liver is where we store sadness, so it may just be some of that happening. Maybe so. A lot is moving these days, a lot of energy is flowing, old stuff is leaving. I've got quite the itch to DO, it feels good when I actually get to do it. That's pretty natural for spring I think. The thaw. Literal and metaphorical. Maybe that's why we always talk about the weather. It seems trivial, but it's so connected to our life experience on so many levels...

Spring Dream

I had a dream last night that it was spring! All the forsythias & rhododendrons just popped into bloom on one beautifully warm day, and as I was driving around town I was so filled with delight as I passed each blooming shrub. They seemed to be extra bold, flowering explosively, it was shocking and amazing and wonderful. I wonder if any of it had to do with some big pieces falling into place yesterday on one of my big dreams... Not quite ready to share here yet, it's still rather delicate, but it feels so possible.

We really have turned the corner on winter though. I even thought maybe I saw some robins on the drive up to DM for my cousin's birthday, but I wasn't entirely sure. In any case, I know this is the time they are going to start coming, it's always February when I see them.

Writer's Block

Anger

Fear

Frustration

Judgment

Pressure

Stress

Impatience

Tired

Waste of time

Waste of energy

Unfair

Burden

Backed into a corner

My own damn fault

What's important?

Hrm

1. It's 2:22 am. I have the insomnia thing going on but it's much different than with the medicine.

2. I've been off the meds for about a month. Switched to Chinese Herbs & accupressure.

3. I haven't lost any pounds really this month, but I have gained any really either. To be able to maintain while coming off the pills is pretty huge. Also, I have most definitely lost inches, and have been going to the gym nearly every day. So I suppose muscle is taking the place of the fat. I can tell my body is shrinking even though the scale isn't reflecting that yet.

4. I'm still struggling with my food relationship, but I'm more able to express it out loud, and working on having my body experience the balance that my brain already knows about in theory. Having the room to do that without the pills is also great.

5. It is snowing. A LOT.

6. Music stuff is bubbling and feels like it is coming to a head. I just don't know how it's going to manifest yet.

7. Someone asked me if I could ask for money to support some of my musical dreams and my first thought was, "how can I ask anyone for money when I haven't even done anything yet? Don't I have to prove myself worthy by producing at least one thing people like first before they will want to invest in me?"

8. It's SUPER windy!

9. A lot of big ideas are being tested to the limits.

The Super Quick Catch Up...

Partially from an email to a friend

My trip to Colombia was so great, it was wonderful seeing my in-laws and playing with my nephews, being in warm climates (even a Caribbean island for a couple days!) and getting out of my routine in general. I have some pictures up here if you are interested, but no pressure! http://www.flickr.com/photos/hum97/

Coming home to freezing cold temperatures, and diving back into work was too much of a shock I think, and I got sick for quite a while. Being sick put me behind for Christmas, and between that and being behind already from the two week trip, things seem to have just piled up in a big way to the point I take a look at it, freak out and retreat to my silly little video games on my iPod. Add the continuing super cold temperatures, grey, nasty weather with at least a few more months of the same ahead, extra shifts at the cafe to cover for someone out of the country and having paperwork trouble getting back in and yeah, I think I'm in a bit of a depression. sigh. So, fingers crossed this guy I've been covering for at the cafe will get back to the country tomorrow, I think not having to do double shifts over the weekend will help a lot.

I am plugging along though, I started taking some guitar lessons that I very much like, and I've started seeing a Chinese herbalist/accupressurist who is helping me get more healthy. I have a potential plan to do some recording with a local friend that is really exciting. There is a local dance company going to put on a show in March with music by local musicians and one of the dancers may use one of my songs that I'd record with the friend. I'm sure I'll post/tweet about that as it happens, so hopefully it will work out.

****

My word that came to me for this year is Action. I think it's a good one. More about choosing and doing. Creating what I want in my life. Going for it. It has been hard these cold weeks to get moving, but it HAS helped me at least a few times when I've been feeling inertia. Now for that to start happening more often!

2011 Horoscopes

Some of the points here really resonated with issues I've been working on lately, so I thought I'd keep a record to refer to later.

From: Capricorn Outlook for 2011
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Year 2011 Career

With your ruling planet Saturn continuing his exalted trip through the sign of Libra, your career continues to take precedence over almost anything. That is until a grand monopoly of Aries planets moves into your domestic sector between March and May. Balancing home and career becomes a dire-albeit-difficult necessity. But if anyone can find the time to do it all it's you, Capricorn. Time management has never been more crucial in preventing anything from slipping through the cracks. There is just so much going on at such an alarming speed that even you -- one of the most grounded and head-strong signs of the zodiac -- could suffer from an oversight or two.

With the Lunar Nodes landing in your work and goals sector in 2011, even the most seemingly menial of tasks will take on a fated quality. What you produce, practice and put out into the world will have reverberating consequences for the next 13 or so years so be sure that you only put out work that is top-notch (as if you could ever live with anything less). June and July are by far your absolute busiest work months, so be sure to keep other commitments to a minimum as much as possible. Late September-early October offer the best opportunities to get recognized for your efforts. With the monopoly of planets in Aries pushing you to put yourself out on a limb despite Saturn's usual reserve, risk-taking is infinitely rewarded in 2011. Go for it!

From: Capricorn Outlook for 2011
Capricorn
12/22 – 1/19
Year 2011 Romantic

The paradox of being absolutely self-centered in order to give more to your relationships has never held more wisdom for you than in 2011. The planetary emphasis is bringing you home to self. It's all about greater self-awareness and not sacrificing your own needs in order to play the role of the perfect, responsible caretaker. Those codependent days are past. Saturn is teaching you how to regain the balance, while the major showcase of planets in the constellation of Aries this spring is a reminder to listen to your instincts and stay true to number one. Your fears of appearing selfish must be eradicated during this crucial time of selfhood. Each individual is being asked to take personal responsibility for generating their own self-love and happiness. Be the change you want to see in your love life, Capricorn.

Jupiter, the beloved planet of good fortune, enters your romance sector this summer bringing love and pleasure in plenty. Expect a windfall of romantic interludes to make this a gorgeous summer to remember. Sensual pleasures abound. Take a risk, wear your heart on your sleeve and expand your vision of what you never thought was possible in love.

The presence of Pluto in your sign reminds on a daily basis that you cannot compromise passion for safety. Intensity, deep intimacy and a true meeting of souls are the base minimum requirements for you to give your heart away. No longer will you compromise or go for shallow substitutes. When Venus enters your stars in late November through most of December, you'll be feeling the love. It doesn't hurt that you're at your most beautiful just in time for your birthday.

Time

So. The election is over. More time this week. In theory.

Going to Colombia a week from tomorrow. So that means a lot of getting ready stuff needs to happen. Time suddenly used up!

My shoulder is sore. From barista-ing. I think that means my technique is wrong. I hope it's something that can be worked out in a massage. :( And then I hope I can fix my technique! I don't know if part of it has to do with the level of the counter, because the height of it determines how straight of an arm you can keep while tamping, and I'm shorter than a lot of the people, but not everyone... Bleh.

I read through my Colombia travel blog last night. So interesting to see the changes over the different times I have been there. The last time I went was really restorative after the huge stress of losing my full time job and training my replacements. (Company was relocated, I did not want to relocate with them. Earning a bit of income in the month between the end of my job and my two month trip to Colombia seemed like a good option.)

It is funny to look at the pictures of me the night we went out on the party bus. For one, I was close to 50lbs heavier! I didn't quite realize how heavy I was at the time, but the contrast to now is dramatic.

The other thing is in my blog I write about how happy I was that night, with all the dancing. And I was! It was fun. You can tell from the smiles on my face in all the pictures.

But when I look at that girl now, and think of how much better I'm doing, how much happier I am than I have been in a long time, that's true progress. I really HAVE been working hard the past few years, and there is a difference.

That is really a relief, because I get so impatient, I have my eyes focused so much on what is in front of me that I don't have yet, that I completely, or mostly, overlook the progress I HAVE made. I mean, I know I've made some major progress, but it sinks in more to really see that contrast.

Sort of like when I went to PDX to visit my friends & I realized there that I'd been rather numbed out for about 3 years maybe! The sudden contrast of how alive I felt compared to the last time I was with them was quite apparent.

The three big things I credit are Song School, The Artist's Way and the Munay-Ki work I've been doing.

This is good for me right now, because I've been feeling a bit discouraged. I went to the doctor for the follow up after 3 months off the medication. It was another one of those quick visits where she prescribed me to go back on & also wants to check my thyroid again, since apparently last year it was on the edge of normal range.

I didn't want to go back on the meds, and I told the nurse but didn't get to tell the doctor. On the one hand, I want to do it on my own. On the other hand, it's not really happening, and I want to get it over with because I feel like I've put some things on pause until it gets done.

I don't think I wasted these three months, even if I did put on 7-10 lbs in that time. It was really good to get evened out after being on the meds for that long. I also learned a lot about what was me and what was them. I've been going to a counselor & doing the Artist's Way again & continuing with the Munay-Ki work. Learning, learning, learning & healing & growing. Wild.

So, this is my fourth day or so back on the meds. I have to admit, it is such a relief not to feel hungry. I know that's not right. I shouldn't be fighting against my hunger all the time. It shouldn't be a panic/stress/guilt situation that is constantly on at least the edges of my awareness, if not front and center.

I should have a level of trust that my body knows what it needs and when it needs it. I should trust that I will be able to hear and listen to what my body is telling me. I should trust that I will be able to get food and enough of it, whenever & wherever I am, and that even if I have to delay because of circumstance, I WILL get what I need in enough time that there is no true need for panic. So many survive on so much less.

My words for the year are Release and Abundance. I need to check back in with them. They served me well early on this year. I still have so much. So much STUFF. Stuff I don't need! Stuff taking up space and energy that I could be using somewhere else.

Something that really hit home for me recently, that came at me from a few different directions, was the concept of Creating your life instead of Reacting to your life. It was even pointed out that the are the same word, just with a couple letters in a different place!

I have always been a pretty good reactor. I'm not sure I have really allowed myself to dream what I want yet. Not really. Only vague subconscious stuff perhaps, that keeps pushing up to the surface in little bits & pieces, and maybe bats away at things that really don't match.

Opportunities always come. I don't have to take the first one just because I'm afraid another won't show up, that by refusing one, every other door will suddenly slam in my face. Yes, making a choice means giving up something else. But if I'm gaining what I actually want, if I'm aligning with my dharma, my purpose, as opposed to just doing something I'm good at because I was flattered someone asked me to do it, well, that's rather obvious isn't it?

Maybe that is part of why I keep waiting & hoping someone will ask me to "be a musician". I've had people ask me before to do things I didn't realize I could do. I love that feeling that they SEE something in me, that they recognize my strengths, and I love rising to meet the challenge and getting praise for it.

I may very well have had some of that for my music already, but I probably brushed it off. I mean I did brush it off, if/when it happened.

But the point is not the praise!! I want it of course, the small part of me. I want to be seen & recognized & understood. But it's on the heart to heart level that I really want that. Like when I heard Dar's music and felt that deep recognition. She KNEW me. She had BEEN there. I was not alone.

I think that is what I have to offer. That "You are not alone. I am with you. I see you. I hear you. I may not fully understand your exact experience, but we still hold a common thread that connects our hearts. If you are struggling with something, I will bear witness and hold space while you move through that current moment. I will cheer you on because I know you can. I know you can because I have done it. I have taken on a challenge and I rose to the occasion, and it is so much better on the other side. Our circumstances may be different, but the principles are the same."

Yes. That's it. So important. It's not about being better than, or fixed, or done growing and able to preach from a lofty height. It's about being okay with being human, with being in-process, working side by side & taking turns supporting & sharing. We are all in this together.