Monday, November 08, 2010


So. The election is over. More time this week. In theory.

Going to Colombia a week from tomorrow. So that means a lot of getting ready stuff needs to happen. Time suddenly used up!

My shoulder is sore. From barista-ing. I think that means my technique is wrong. I hope it's something that can be worked out in a massage. :( And then I hope I can fix my technique! I don't know if part of it has to do with the level of the counter, because the height of it determines how straight of an arm you can keep while tamping, and I'm shorter than a lot of the people, but not everyone... Bleh.

I read through my Colombia travel blog last night. So interesting to see the changes over the different times I have been there. The last time I went was really restorative after the huge stress of losing my full time job and training my replacements. (Company was relocated, I did not want to relocate with them. Earning a bit of income in the month between the end of my job and my two month trip to Colombia seemed like a good option.)

It is funny to look at the pictures of me the night we went out on the party bus. For one, I was close to 50lbs heavier! I didn't quite realize how heavy I was at the time, but the contrast to now is dramatic.

The other thing is in my blog I write about how happy I was that night, with all the dancing. And I was! It was fun. You can tell from the smiles on my face in all the pictures.

But when I look at that girl now, and think of how much better I'm doing, how much happier I am than I have been in a long time, that's true progress. I really HAVE been working hard the past few years, and there is a difference.

That is really a relief, because I get so impatient, I have my eyes focused so much on what is in front of me that I don't have yet, that I completely, or mostly, overlook the progress I HAVE made. I mean, I know I've made some major progress, but it sinks in more to really see that contrast.

Sort of like when I went to PDX to visit my friends & I realized there that I'd been rather numbed out for about 3 years maybe! The sudden contrast of how alive I felt compared to the last time I was with them was quite apparent.

The three big things I credit are Song School, The Artist's Way and the Munay-Ki work I've been doing.

This is good for me right now, because I've been feeling a bit discouraged. I went to the doctor for the follow up after 3 months off the medication. It was another one of those quick visits where she prescribed me to go back on & also wants to check my thyroid again, since apparently last year it was on the edge of normal range.

I didn't want to go back on the meds, and I told the nurse but didn't get to tell the doctor. On the one hand, I want to do it on my own. On the other hand, it's not really happening, and I want to get it over with because I feel like I've put some things on pause until it gets done.

I don't think I wasted these three months, even if I did put on 7-10 lbs in that time. It was really good to get evened out after being on the meds for that long. I also learned a lot about what was me and what was them. I've been going to a counselor & doing the Artist's Way again & continuing with the Munay-Ki work. Learning, learning, learning & healing & growing. Wild.

So, this is my fourth day or so back on the meds. I have to admit, it is such a relief not to feel hungry. I know that's not right. I shouldn't be fighting against my hunger all the time. It shouldn't be a panic/stress/guilt situation that is constantly on at least the edges of my awareness, if not front and center.

I should have a level of trust that my body knows what it needs and when it needs it. I should trust that I will be able to hear and listen to what my body is telling me. I should trust that I will be able to get food and enough of it, whenever & wherever I am, and that even if I have to delay because of circumstance, I WILL get what I need in enough time that there is no true need for panic. So many survive on so much less.

My words for the year are Release and Abundance. I need to check back in with them. They served me well early on this year. I still have so much. So much STUFF. Stuff I don't need! Stuff taking up space and energy that I could be using somewhere else.

Something that really hit home for me recently, that came at me from a few different directions, was the concept of Creating your life instead of Reacting to your life. It was even pointed out that the are the same word, just with a couple letters in a different place!

I have always been a pretty good reactor. I'm not sure I have really allowed myself to dream what I want yet. Not really. Only vague subconscious stuff perhaps, that keeps pushing up to the surface in little bits & pieces, and maybe bats away at things that really don't match.

Opportunities always come. I don't have to take the first one just because I'm afraid another won't show up, that by refusing one, every other door will suddenly slam in my face. Yes, making a choice means giving up something else. But if I'm gaining what I actually want, if I'm aligning with my dharma, my purpose, as opposed to just doing something I'm good at because I was flattered someone asked me to do it, well, that's rather obvious isn't it?

Maybe that is part of why I keep waiting & hoping someone will ask me to "be a musician". I've had people ask me before to do things I didn't realize I could do. I love that feeling that they SEE something in me, that they recognize my strengths, and I love rising to meet the challenge and getting praise for it.

I may very well have had some of that for my music already, but I probably brushed it off. I mean I did brush it off, if/when it happened.

But the point is not the praise!! I want it of course, the small part of me. I want to be seen & recognized & understood. But it's on the heart to heart level that I really want that. Like when I heard Dar's music and felt that deep recognition. She KNEW me. She had BEEN there. I was not alone.

I think that is what I have to offer. That "You are not alone. I am with you. I see you. I hear you. I may not fully understand your exact experience, but we still hold a common thread that connects our hearts. If you are struggling with something, I will bear witness and hold space while you move through that current moment. I will cheer you on because I know you can. I know you can because I have done it. I have taken on a challenge and I rose to the occasion, and it is so much better on the other side. Our circumstances may be different, but the principles are the same."

Yes. That's it. So important. It's not about being better than, or fixed, or done growing and able to preach from a lofty height. It's about being okay with being human, with being in-process, working side by side & taking turns supporting & sharing. We are all in this together.


Nandi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nandi said...

:) I'm glad to see you finding your path! :) I know what has helped me is an exercise I discovered is the Yes/No exercise (from the Cuddle Parties). If you're a 'Yes' to something, say yes. If you're a no, say no. And if you're a maybe to something say no. And at the last one I went to the facilitator made a good point about the yes/no rule. Saying no to something means you're giving yourself a yes to something else. i.e. If need to get some rest, your friend invites you an all night party, and you say no to it, you're saying no to being awake much later than you want, and you're also saying yes to being able to get that much needed rest.

Make sense?