Woofers

Had a major breakdown/breakthrough today over lunch. I guess it kind of started when I got on the scale this morning and had gained ANOTHER pound or so. Granted it was a party weekend with all sorts of sweets, but it was one of those last straw moments scale-wise I guess. I also didn't have a proper breakfast at work, so by lunch I'm desparately hungry and also desparately angry at how much I weigh and at the paradox of weighing so much and being so hungry. Seems like it shouldn't work that way. I've got all these stores, can't my body live off of that?

Anyway, after a lot of angry tears I called my mom because I knew I had to get calmed down enough to go back to work. Working thru a bit of it I started to see how frustrated and useless I am feeling at work these days, and how hard I am on myself for it, which starts a whole downward cycle of self doubt/loathing, anger, frustration, boredom, eating, weight gain, self blaming, anger etc. It's all my own mind game and stupid shadow shit, because they really are nice people who like me and have given me a promotion and raises and more responsibility and stuff. Which they wouldn't do if I hadn't proven myself and they didn't think I could handle it. We're all under a lot of stress right now because of adding new products that don't work the same way we're used to and the rush to get the stuff up in time for the holidays. So if people "snap" at me, more than likely it's just their own stress and not that they think I'm a bad person or anything. And just because I'm a reader and I read everything doesn't mean that they do, so if I want/need something I've got to get it face to face. Waiting for them to respond to written doesn't work and I end up calling them anyway at the end of the day when they are gone or it's too late. I just hate feeling like a bother. But I'm sure they'd rather I ask than let it go and scramble at the last minute. Sigh. Stupid lack of confidence... I've worked so hard on it from so many angles, and still it comes to bite me in the ass.

I wish I had some perspective on writing. It doesn't seem that hard to me. I don't get why some people think it's so hard. Just write how you talk. Easy. I'm not that great a poet, I don't know the big schmancy words. Wish I was better at that. Feel like the stuff I churn out/cobble together is cheating and cheezy. They don't seem to care/notice. Does that mean it's good? How do I know? Or when I really try to craft something, it gets changed, so what's the point of trying hard? WHY DO I TAKE IT PERSONALLY???? It's not like I get an author credit or anything. and if I AM such a great writer, why aren't I out writing a novel or screenplays or whatever all, huh?

Then it spins into songwriting. I'm not super knowledgable music theory-wise and I can't make up pretty melodies on any instrument. I'm not a political champion of much of anything. I have a hard time making up stories that haven't happened to me. I'm not THAT interested in historical figures or telling their stories... I still feel like I should have something worth saying, that people would want to hear and would touch their hearts and make them feel just a little bit better for hearing it.

Le poop. I'm frustrated. and tired. At least I can do something about that second bit. Time for bed.