le sigh...

Finally feel like I'm starting to get back into the swing of things at home. Now it's just the regular not having enough time to do so many things. We had a great little party this weekend, I made arepas and tajadas (?) and we put out little candies - cut up a bunch of them so everyone could a) have a taste of everything and b) try stuff out in small bits if they weren't certain they'd like it. It was my first time making tajadas because I wasn't able to find any green plantains in town, only ripe yellow ones. I made them both smashed like patacones and also just sliced, which is I guess how they actually do it. I couldn't remember, and it wasn't one of the things they showed me how to do, so yeah, it was an adventure. They were yummy though!

The house is still all nice and clean from the party, except for the dishes from the past few days, and the glasses from the party, because I agreed to clean the glasses if we used real ones.

We had about 15 people in our living room at once, and we showed them bits of the wedding video, and a few slides. I really wanted to have a projector so it would be easier for everyone to see, because as it was (and what I was afraid of) not really many people paid attention to the slides and talked amongst themselves and looked at the actual photo album. Also, people wanted stories, and unfortunately the slides went to fast to stop and tell any particular story very well... I guess in "old days" ;) people took less pictures (for financial reasons) so they had less in pictures and more in stories for sharing. Also, I'd wanted to cull the slide shows down to the most interesting pix, but since I spent so much time cleaning and cooking, that never happened. Ah well. I think I should do that for next weekend. Sarah is coming for just a few days, and if I want to show them stuff, the time is precious and all that... But the party was a success, and I'm so glad we did it!


On a totally different note, I was having some interesting thoughts pop into my head at work yesterday. Rachel Ries came back to town for a concert on Friday. (Friday was a wonderful day, but more on that sometime later) The concert was of course amazing and inspiring as usual, and she sang the new song she played last time, that I've been wanting to hear again ever since but isn't recorded yet, and the only one I really wanted to hear that she didn't do was "Summer Came, A Warning", but I was shy to request, plus she was rather sick, and had to take a break in the middle because her voice gave out. She came back and did a whole second set though! And "Summer Came" IS recorded, so I can get my fix of that anytime really.

ANYWAY, (trying to get to the interesting thoughts, not re-hash the concert right now). The concert was amazing, inspiring, and also brings on the longing to being doing something similar up to a high throbbing pulse, (that typically dies down to a low murmer after a few days or so). I was thinking about how I love all her lyrics and wishing I could write like that and wondering where all my inspiration went. And she had mentioned at the concert that like 80% of the repetoire is about one boy in particular, and I could say that 80 or 90% of my stuff is about boys, and while not all the same one, all about the same longing pretty much. And I began to wonder - Am I addicted to longing? Did I trade in my longing for boys for a longing for a music career??? It's not quite as urgent or obvious of a path to me as "finding a man to love me" was five years and more ago, but I'm really starting to wonder.

Is it just as simple as: I was doing musical stuff all day long in school, so of course I was going to write and practice a lot? Or am I missing some fountain of inspiration and motivation? Now that I've found such an amazing man, am I out of ideas? Does all creativity have to come from pain and longing? Am I really just drained of time and energy? Is there a way to work my schedule to fit in more music? Do I really want an actual career? It's freakin' hard, I see these people who come through here, sometimes they are playing to a virtually empty house! But you do all the same hard advertising work wherever you go, and you just never know who is going to show up. (Rachel had a good night! She said she could pay her rent for two months(I think), and maybe even her phone bill :) ) And lugging all your equipment around, and never knowing how the sound system is going to be, and driving long hours to get to the next gig, and playing in places where you're just the background noise and no-one really appreciates you... etc. etc.

So yes, this longing. To share my soul, be creative, touch people, make a difference to them like my idols have for me - is it selfish? and is it an addiction to a feeling/state of being/mind, or is it legit? probably some sort of tangle of both. But if I could unwind the tangle, what would still be left? And am I waiting for someone to find and nourish me, the same way I was looking for love? Or is it something I could do on my own, if I cut through the tangled mess?