Grah!!

So what's my deal? SO MUCH I want and need to do, and I spend all my time at home either sleeping or online reading blogs and "social networking". It's one of those things that's really hard for me to figure out how to balance, and until recently I haven't really even had any desire to. It's kind of hard because I can't just turn it off altogether - there ARE important and valid connections I'm making and/or maintaining and valuable things that I'm learning.

But how do I know which are the important things? There's ALWAYS more to read/see/do online and sometimes I find myself doing the STUPIDEST things - like re-arranging my freaking plants on my Facebook Green Patch. SERIOUSLY! WHO THE FREAK CARES?! But when you have infinite choice, that's exactly what you have to do, CHOOSE. I think sometimes I do the dumb things like organizing plants because it's mindless, yet it feels like some tiny corner of my world I can have control over. Like somehow I can think better or feel like master of my universe if my plants are arranged more or less in rainbow order. Because there's so much I can't control, so much chaos. hrmph.

Really been thinking more about some of the conversation Trick and I seem to have going the past few days (see his comments on previous posts). It's kind of amazing, pretty much all stuff I know in theory, stuff I've heard before and understood, but it all flies out the window when it comes to me and my own art - why is that?

The editor - the evil editor. I know, I know she needs to go sit in the back room while I'm CREATING and can come back AFTER there's even something to critique. I've gotten way, way better at managing her, but she still manages to poke her head in at the most inopportune moments.

I sat in on a brilliant session at Song School where Steve Seskin and Susan Werner starting co-writing a song on the fly in front of a bunch of us. Susan went a little bonkers, bouncing around, chewing A LOT of gum, pacing, lying down (I think?). Anyway, someone asked her afterwards what was up with the gum (It was like a whole big pack) and she explained that she was doing everything she could to distract the editor and just BE in the moment. I thought it was brilliant. Both that she was brave enough to show us what it took for her to get the best place for writing, and that she'd figured it out for herself, her bag of tricks.

The problem for me I think, is I don't just have an editor for writing, it's for most of life! How exhausting is that? Very. Very. I think I may have actually done pretty well lately when I actually get down to the real writing at letting the creativity flow. But getting to the point where I allow myself to do it, allow myself to write, well the critic always has a whole bunch of things I should do first - clean the kitchen, make the bed, fold the laundry, write to potential interviewees, blog on the music blog, clear out old files on my computer and back it up, file papers, purge the closets and take stuff to Lucky Day, cook food, organize drawers, detail the car, vacuum the birdseed off the floor, DUST (omg do I ever need to dust), exercise, practice, do homework, etc, etc. All these things I SHOULD do first, and yet I don't do ANY of them, I just mess around online.

It's easier. It feels productive somehow. It seems like any one thing I want to do is just going to take a couple of seconds. But add up all the sites, checking messages, reading posts, leaving comments, and all of a sudden it's 11:30 at night and I'm too tired to think and give the proper attention and energy to the important things. It doesn't take a lot of brain power to check Twitter posts. But if I don't keep up on them, it takes a long time to catch up. (and there I just went and spent 20 minutes checking all those sites again. damn)

But the thing I've been thinking about is that I need to get my head on straight with the music. Back to the joy of just doing it. Because what's the point if I'm just as miserable forcing it, piling expectations and demands on it? That's no different than the office jobs I'd be trying to escape! I have a pretty good set up right now of part-time, and in an office environment that rocks, working with and on the business side of music. And I have so many ideas for when we have more users about how to make it a fun and useful community.

I have ideas for the musicians I'm helping out too. It's just hard to know when to put the ideas out there. I don't want to step on any toes or tell someone how to live their life or do their thing. Or like some of the ideas I've put out and they've been well received as ideas, but how to actually get them into reality?

And then, and then, what about me?