This Girl...

...was not fat. But she thought she was. That makes me sad. She wasn't tiny either, but come on!

See those tiny rolls on the side? The little hint of a belly? She was soooo embarrassed by them!

What was she thinking?

I know one thing she thought. That all the other girls were so much smaller. That she'd never get to that "magic number" all the charts said she would be. It was just too hard. So she gave up. Other things crept up on her. Stress, doubts, debts, frustrations from all sides. Food was reliable, an instant life sweetener during bitter times. And she couldn't get to the number anyway, so what was the point of denying herself one more thing in life, one thing she actually had control of?

And that boy smiling at her in the picture seemed to always be smiling however she was. Always told her she was beautiful and pretty, even when she just woke up, or was sick. He saw her from the inside.

If I ever see that girl again, I'm going to tell her she is gorgeous inside AND out. That she is perfect just the way she is.

Isn't she?

spinning spirals

My head is spinning spinning
My heart is spiraling spiraling
Down

Just saw Jenna's dance master thesis last night and it was AMAZING! *She* is amazing!! It was a very visceral experience that I'm not finding any better descriptive words for at the moment, but I was so happy for her, proud of her, proud to be something of a friend. Even if we don't talk much or anything - I barely see her except at her performances and the occasional time she comes to FF. Anyway, she was radiant and skilled and present and ready for whatever happens next. It was a very inspiring and moving night.

And then I got home and broke down in heartsick jealousy and confusion. Same old story of mine. How come I'm not creating? I don't need widespread fame or recognition really - I can see how exhausting it is to be really famous. And I like the stability that comes with a regular paycheck, and I know where I'm at is good as far as work situations go. In theory I should be able to create in the "off hours". and I do. In little, barely satisfying bits. Spinning tires treading water type of thing, which seems better than being stuck or drowning. But no forward motion. No growth. In the creative department. I guess I'm growing my life in other areas. I just wonder if proportionately my time is being spent in the right places?

I guess I feel like I was also never encouraged to "be something when I grew up". Never really had a dream until the past few years. And then it seems like it's too late to get started! I know that's not true - there was even a lady who just started her acting career in her late 90's in the news today! But it feels like times a wastin' and opportunities are being missed.

I know the grass is always greener and I'm probably missing all the hard/bad/frustrating parts that go along with the artistic type of life, but it still seems like it could be so soul satisfying...