Are all bloggers sad, depressed and/or sex obsessed? Or is it everyone? or is it just what humans tend to write about for themselves? You know, when you're happy, you're so busy feeling good there's no time to write. It's the low points where it seems like putting it down in words might puzzle something out. Catharsis. Happy stuff is for sharing in letters.
The first few lines of Blackbird were running through my head, so I looked it up. (Too bad we didn't have the words when Chris tried to get Kevin to sing it at improv that time.)
Blackbird
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
I haven't written anything poetical/musical in SO LONG. I haven't even touched my guitar in at least a month I'd say. And improv hasn't been all that satisfying - only 3 people. And yeah... no performing... Come back oh play-full ones! When will your shows be over? Not that I begrudge you your chance to shine, or that I wouldn't take a chance too, I just miss you! We all seem to be in this mode of improv being the last thing to squeeze in, myself often included, which just doesn't work if we want to have a performing troupe.... Maybe we don't? But what's the point if there's never an audience? ick.
Working for ArtLife is fun, but a bit hectic and un-organized... I feel like I'm always on the alert. Jump! Jump! I wonder if I should just quit World Design altogether? It's very hard to come in in the middle of a project and figure out what is going on... and I was pissed that he asked me to come in on the weekend, even though it was my own fault for saying I'd do it and not getting it done.... They let you be flexible as long as you meet the deadline... I'm just not sure I can do it all! but am I making enough money? Is is all worth it? I'm really scared of just going through these motions and all of a sudden realizing I've lost a couple years of my life. I mean, I'm learning all these skills and stuff, but I feel like it's half-assed and the final product is always with lots of help. How would I ever pull it off alone? and are these marketable skills that I want for a satisfying life? or just the things that will put bread on the table?
And I have all these GREAT programs/technologies I'm signed up for/can do. All right in front of my face. For being a happier, healthier person. For having a wonderful life! Why, oh WHY can't I get myself to DO them? WHY? what's wrong with me? stupid friggin self sabotage again and again. I get so far and won't let myself have it... SICK SICK SICK! It works if you do it, doesn't if you don't. I want it all RIGHTNOW! I still want the magic wand. and I'm mad as all hell that it doesn't exist.
How can I help people if I can't help my self? I've been really just not caring about anything today. 'What's the point' sort of a thing.
and yes, I have my period. and I may be really embarrassed by this whole post in a few days. but I hate that! that a few words totally invalidate everything I'm feeling? no. it's not fair. It's not like the crumminess just pops up, it's more like it's there and I've lost my ability to deal with it for a few days...
There's a little spark somewhere in there that knows all this is silly. That believes I AM whole and complete and perfect. The part of me that people know and love. That's what keeps me going. I know it's there, even if it's covered in gunk at the moment, and I don't see how I'm going to find it again...
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