wow

today I was soooo tired and miserable. ugh. and staying up right now to do this won't help anything tomorrow really. But yuck.

Good thing - both the AQ and the YG are at the printers. No more to do about them, onscreen anyway. Now I have to enter all the addresses for mailing, because that is the whole point of printing so many extra, to mail them out... I have learned a lot I didn't know, and it was cool to see the blueline of the AQ printed out all big and stuff! weeeee! I only ever saw it tiny on my screen, or really tiny printed out...

Got my oil changed, free car wash, and vacuumed out my car too! Dropped of Wally's cards at the At Home store, and we'll see what Rosie says. Maybe she will take a few, and I could get The Antique Flower Garden to take some too... I think that would be 2 good places to sell them... Sorta different clientel prolly. Yeah. Hope that works out.

Cried a lot at work today. Dad came in to tell me something and asked what was the matter... Saw a documentary of Joni Mitchell last night, which make me all sad about not doing my music. She talked about one of her grandmothers who kicked a door off the hinges because she was so creatively frustrated, and how her other grandmother was too, and she felt like maybe she was the one to break the cycle... G was talking tonight about how I should get out of here. But I don't know where/when/why/how... If I had a really good reason or thing to do, well then, maybe, but it would be so hard to be away from him, and besides, I don't know what I'd do really... The blessed boy doesn't know what it is to be miserable. Says he has tried but can't do it. Just to see what it is that other people go through. Amazing. Enjoy that. Be blessed!
I also told my dad we were thinking of June '05, & he said that he loved G, and approved, but was that what I wanted? Was G committed to it? cue Heather thinking about ring again. I get in such a tizzy over it, because I know it's too much to ask for financially at this point, but I really want some symbol/declaration of commitment, something to hold on to so I know it's for serious. What if I mess up? What if he changes his mind? Where would I be/what would I do without him??? I mean, heaven forbid, and I don't think it's gonna happen, but sometimes it's good to check in with worst case scenario... I was having the same "what do I do with myself and my creativity is being suffocated to pay the bills" situation in Boulder too, and I was really lonely. He's so comfortable and fun to be with. I was in such a powerful space when we first met. Even despite the heartbreak, I was ok with just feeling it, knowing it would pass eventually. And like I said, even if I wasn't everything I wanted to be, I had the energy to go after it, make it happen... Where'd it go? I've gained nearly all the weight back again - to me a sign of how miserable I must be. But I just ignore it and dull out the pain with food. My dad is suggesting going to the Raj. G doesn't think I'll be able to follow through with the recommendations so why spend the money... I'm so lost. Seems like every time with this weight stuff I try a new tactic, instead of sticking to one thing and making it work... but whatever, god I hate myself right now. Nothing fits. Getting dressed isn't fun. It's whatever I can find on my floor or bed that doesn't smell. I feel so fucking worthless. And it's not just the weight. The weight is a physical expression of something bigger and deeper.

No improv for a couple of weeks... :P Spring Break, so for sure no one will show up. We really, really need to do a show... and/or get some more people involved....

I downloaded me some songs from Wal-Mart.com. yay. legal new music without buying a whole album... Don't shoot me, they're cheap there - 88 cents! I've decided this should be my new treat, instead of candy or cookies, for the same price I might spend on something sweet, I can have a song, and it lasts much longer!