So. Mad.

I
was
so
angry
in yoga on Saturday.

so
mad

it leaked out my eyes
and rolled down my cheeks into my ears

because that's how angry comes out of me

because I remembered what my body used to be able to do
twenty, fourty pounds ago
and I knew what I could have done
even that day
if I'd gone to bed a few hours earlier
the night before.

and I would get mad at my body
and then I would remember

It wasn't my body who did anything to me

It was ME who did everything to my body

My body was just responding to what it had been given.

And then I was angry
so angry
at myself

it's hard to be present
just be in the room
be in the stretch
when that much anger
and self loathing
are shaking in my veins

I came home on my birthday
and there was a basket of grapefruits on the front porch
They had to be from my aunt
She has this whole grapefruit diet
and she gave me a free month long pass to Curves
She's on such a kick to help me
I never asked her
She decided herself that she wanted to give me a gift

Since she lost so much weight recently
And feels so great about it

She wanted to give me all the tips and tricks she used

How insulting
How cruel

part of me wants help
but not that way

I didn't ask

I didn't give permission to touch that gaping wound in me

So stop pouring salt on
stop digging around in there with dirty fingers

I do just fine with that myself thanks

I remembered tonight
the time I went line dancing
It was in Pennsylvania
of all places

One of the field trips at fat camp
yeah, I went one summer
I really wanted to
it was in an ad in the back of my seventeen magazine

I called a bunch of places
I wanted one that was just girls
and that I could go for just a couple of weeks
I don't even remember how I brought it up to my mother
but I must have

I poured my heart into it
and it worked
but I was so embarassed
I told people about it.
still do sometimes
but I'm still ashamed

And tonight
I let myself gorge
on too much food
I didn't really need or want

I could have stopped at the veggies
I could have had a smaller portion

But I don't want to make anyone else feel bad
or ashamed
or admit how much I hate myself

not just tonight
the whole weekend I did this

fuck

I was doing so good.

what do I want?

what am I afraid of?

what am I not getting enough of?

what am I trying to feed/sooth/shut up?

is it just an old bad habit now? Is it an addiction?
is there any part of me that can stage an intervetion?

I have a good life

I have a good life

I have a good life

I'm so lucky

I have so much

what is it I think I'm missing?

Do I eat the grapefruits
or run them over with my car?