Bam. Whoa.

Went to the Ellis concert tonight. Had my heart blown open. Felt kind of shaky and raw afterward. I remember having two big realizations and they've left my mind by now, but maybe if I keep writing a little they will come back.

One of them might have been about how worried and protective I get of "my" musicians. Hoping that everyone is liking them, understanding, getting it, enjoying the show. Which is totally ridiculous! I can't control how other people feel and react! So I kind of watched myself freak out and worry about it, and it was kind of amusing.

I think another might have been something about how Ellis seems so cool and collected and has everything together, but juxtaposed with how creative and spontaneous and how she's really searching and trying to figure things out in life. And somehow by admitting to a big group of people that she DOESN'T have it all figured out somehow means that she DOES. I'm not sure how to have that make sense. Except it somehow does...

She often writes about the times she is scared or confused or doesn't know what's going on in life, but somehow it's uplifting and expansive. She said something about yoga, how usually in class it's like stretching "ow, ow, ow." and then after she leaves there's more room, and that she wonders if life is like that in the hard moments, like being stretched, and then if she'll get to leave the yoga room soon, and feel opened up.

And I got scared, during and after, because I thought - oh, I need to open up, I need to show more of my insides if I want to be effective in reflecting back to people who they are. I was talking to H.L. afterward and she said she could see that I was raw, but it was good, where we were supposed to be, more open. It's terrifying to be that vulnerable! But the kind of terrifying that makes me feel more alive, and like something big and important is happening.

I hung around after the show, listening to conversations, doing my best to have a few myself. I wonder what it is, that I'm so much more forward online? I guess it feels safer behind the screen. Whatever reaction a person has to my output online is not something I have to deal with in the moment. I get to wait until they react, if they do at all, and then I have time to think about my response to that, because writing is a much more deliberate thing.

Doing the radio show has helped a lot I think, being in the moment, talking to strangers. It's still a little different than being in the same room with someone, one on one, looking in their eyes. It's much harder to just be present with them, and be willing to not know what to say at any one moment and still stay with it. I'm not sure if I just think slower than most people or what?

Rock Paper Scissors opened the show. They're working on a CD and suddenly they've been writing all sorts of new songs. Their entire set was originals! Gemma said they have 9. Awesome. I always liked the few originals they had when they did them in shows, but now the balance can flip to mostly original and a few covers. Nice. Cuz the songs are still informed by some of the old fashionedy stuff they do, so they have a vintage flavor to them, but new. Love that.

Oughta get to bed. Need to get more done tomorrow than I did today, yeesh. Looking forward to the workshop with Ellis and Terry tomorrow about more of the business side of things.