ergh

I am tired.

Two days of cooking in a row. Today was the super marathon. I just don't know what we can do to make it go faster for people. 45 minutes is too long to wait for food, but we're cooking as fast as we can. Not enough space, not enough griddle space.

I counted 50 order sheets. Some sheets had more than one item on them... Of course people don't come in an even flow, but saying they did, that's approximately 10 orders per hour, which means to fit them all in we only get 6 minutes per order. Which is not enough time to cook any of the things we make. And of course we get huge onslaughts all at once. There were less people today than last week. Probably because we were too slow and they don't want to come back.

My brain just keep spinning, trying to figure out the answer to the problem. The thing is, we are very nearly maxed out on cooking space, so to me it keeps coming down to expectation. We only have so much capacity. In a big restaurant, they have X # of tables, and if they are full, they won't even seat you until they are ready to take your order. And of course they spread things out, giving you drinks first, appetizers and then food... We're not a ready to go buffet, we cook each thing to order. But somehow we have more tables than we can cook for at once. So they get their coffee and expect to eat within 20 minutes, but if we're backed up, we have to get through the orders first. If we were able to tell them accurately, "Look, it's going to be 45 minutes, if you feel like waiting." Maybe if we also had more ready-to-go stuff, like the quiche and just more scones, we didn't have enough of those today.

I don't know. I'm kind of depressed. I need to not take it personally. I really am doing everything I can to go as fast as I can! The problem is when people get hungry they get cranky too. geesh. Anyway. It's over for a week. We'll see what happens next time.

I just took a break and looked up some omelet recipes and videos. I think I'm doing it wrong because all the recipes seem to say they should only take a few minutes and mine take much longer. I think it's because I'm not letting the egg run under to cook up faster... that's probably it. dammit. It's a bit harder to control in the big griddle thingy though... Need to figure that out.

I'm wiped out physically and emotionally and mentally. I have some music homework to do but I just don't have any juice. I think it'll be better to go to sleep now and get up and do it in the morning. drats.

Oh, and they announced the winners of the script contest. Not me. Both the 2 winners and the 2 runners up were all guys. 16 people entered. Anyway, I'm glad I did it. Hope I will do more. Though at the moment between that, trying to do my music homework and feeling stupid, and feeling like I failed brunch, I really could use a pep talk. I have the "what's the point of even trying if you're just going to fail?" tape playing at loud volume in my head right now.

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Bam. Whoa.

Went to the Ellis concert tonight. Had my heart blown open. Felt kind of shaky and raw afterward. I remember having two big realizations and they've left my mind by now, but maybe if I keep writing a little they will come back.

One of them might have been about how worried and protective I get of "my" musicians. Hoping that everyone is liking them, understanding, getting it, enjoying the show. Which is totally ridiculous! I can't control how other people feel and react! So I kind of watched myself freak out and worry about it, and it was kind of amusing.

I think another might have been something about how Ellis seems so cool and collected and has everything together, but juxtaposed with how creative and spontaneous and how she's really searching and trying to figure things out in life. And somehow by admitting to a big group of people that she DOESN'T have it all figured out somehow means that she DOES. I'm not sure how to have that make sense. Except it somehow does...

She often writes about the times she is scared or confused or doesn't know what's going on in life, but somehow it's uplifting and expansive. She said something about yoga, how usually in class it's like stretching "ow, ow, ow." and then after she leaves there's more room, and that she wonders if life is like that in the hard moments, like being stretched, and then if she'll get to leave the yoga room soon, and feel opened up.

And I got scared, during and after, because I thought - oh, I need to open up, I need to show more of my insides if I want to be effective in reflecting back to people who they are. I was talking to H.L. afterward and she said she could see that I was raw, but it was good, where we were supposed to be, more open. It's terrifying to be that vulnerable! But the kind of terrifying that makes me feel more alive, and like something big and important is happening.

I hung around after the show, listening to conversations, doing my best to have a few myself. I wonder what it is, that I'm so much more forward online? I guess it feels safer behind the screen. Whatever reaction a person has to my output online is not something I have to deal with in the moment. I get to wait until they react, if they do at all, and then I have time to think about my response to that, because writing is a much more deliberate thing.

Doing the radio show has helped a lot I think, being in the moment, talking to strangers. It's still a little different than being in the same room with someone, one on one, looking in their eyes. It's much harder to just be present with them, and be willing to not know what to say at any one moment and still stay with it. I'm not sure if I just think slower than most people or what?

Rock Paper Scissors opened the show. They're working on a CD and suddenly they've been writing all sorts of new songs. Their entire set was originals! Gemma said they have 9. Awesome. I always liked the few originals they had when they did them in shows, but now the balance can flip to mostly original and a few covers. Nice. Cuz the songs are still informed by some of the old fashionedy stuff they do, so they have a vintage flavor to them, but new. Love that.

Oughta get to bed. Need to get more done tomorrow than I did today, yeesh. Looking forward to the workshop with Ellis and Terry tomorrow about more of the business side of things.