Interesting idea

I was talking with my friend who I have been helping out as a caretaker about guitar and how I struggle with getting myself to practice, how I couldn't figure out what was my deal with that.

She suggested to try just practicing, and rather than squash those rebellious or guilty or whatever feelings, just allow them to come - feel them through, let them play out. Rather than trying to think it out with the intellect, that rebellious side might actually provide information about "why?" from an emotional standpoint if I allow it to speak. And whether I then work it through intellectually or emotionally, it may not matter because the energy just needs to be shifted and the WAY it gets shifted isn't as important as the shifting.

It sounds like a really good way to approach this, and certainly different from the same old, same old, which hasn't gotten me anywhere yet, has it?

Now comes the actual getting myself to sit down and do it... heh

In any case, her depth of clarity and insight continually inspire me. What a blessing to learn so much while helping her get around town and get things done around the house. We are both helping each other quite a lot I think. Pretty cool.

P.S. Making the bed every day is working! Plus I just feel good when I walk by and see it all orderly looking. :-)

Oh yeah

I forgot to write about the Valentine's Day party we went to. It was a good experience in many ways.

First of all, it was a party! The friend who threw it usually has a xmas party but he was out of town this year so he had a Valentine's one instead. :-) It was fun to see people we hadn't seen in a while.

But what I really want to write about because it was more interesting to me, was how I handled it. It was a potluck, which is usually hard because there are so many tasty things. I filled my plate half with salad and had a taste of just about everything else. I ate it, put the plate down and just sat there (as opposed to going for seconds) and when someone asked if they could take my plate, I only had a split second of hesitation before saying yes (as opposed to hanging on to the plate to go for seconds).

I had several moments where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, embarrassed, shy or awkward (which is normal for me at just about any party). I didn't go up to the table and grab stuff to munch on or drink just so I would have something to do. I didn't go for my phone or ipod either. I just sat with it, observed myself and the people at the party, and after a while I would either get interested in a conversation going on or someone would start talking to me.

There was a cake at the end. I had my piece, and took a brownie. The cake was great, but after a bite of the brownie, I decided it wasn't OMG amazing, so I handed it over to G (normally I would have eaten the whole thing anyway).

There was a gift exchange game, the one where it's a big pile of generic gifts and people draw numbers and then steal from each other or pick from the pile till all the presents are gone. It being Valentine's day, there was a lot of chocolate to go around. I ended up opening a beautiful pair of handmade earrings, which I very much hoped I could keep because I didn't need a big box of chocolate talking to me for days after the party, and I didn't want another teddy bear or toy cluttering up the house. There was one lady who came to see if she wanted to steal them but said they weren't her style. So they are mine! I was grateful to get the perfect thing for me, and happy that the gift I brought was popular enough to get passed around. Just a little trinket, but I included $10 cash in with it, so that may have been the reason! :D

I decided to not even try to add up all the calories from the party but just write it off as 1000 collectively, which was fairly close in number to the party I went to in January. On the way home, I realized that I was actually a little bit hungry! (as opposed to being so stuffed I couldn't possibly eat anything for dinner). The next day I had even lost a little weight!

So, a great success and a good example for me to remember. I had fun, I didn't deny myself any of the things I wanted or stress about it but I was very mindful and aware of my choices. I enjoyed what I ate because I was conscious of what it was and savored it. Any of the uncomfortable moments were just that - moments. Nothing to freak out about. And rather than feeling depressed, stuffed, frustrated or drained after when I came home, I felt happy, content, proud, fulfilled and satisfied. Hooray!

Change

Not my favorite thing. Being a Capricorn and a Kapha - earthy, grounded, slow-going - shifting gears is hard for me. I like to have advance warning before something new is going to happen or something current is going to end.

I guess I'm getting a bit of that advance notice I just said I like, but it's been unsettling to know that changes are coming up, especially since it has the potential to effect much of my daily experience, and some of them I really didn't see coming. damn.

But I'm wondering if it has anything to do with my late nights the past few evenings. When things seem out of my control do I try to grab control of the few things I can? Like bedtime and cleaning and food? Stupid. Argh. I was really liking being more rested. It's kind of amazing. I like getting more organized. What am I proving to anyone by "rebelling"? yuck.

I just wrote this email last night to my friends and posted it in my travel blog, but it was making me ponder - why is it that it's only for special occasions that I'm able to maintain the lifestyle/behavior that is more fulfilling? Shouldn't it be the everyday norm, and these crazy, stay up late and do what I want days be the vacations? It's been so nice outside the past few days, I've thought about taking a walk after work, but it's like I can't wait to get home and plug in again, barely even taking time to make dinner. It makes me a little scared of what I might be avoiding...