yay

Portland was awesome.

Spoiled me a bit though. Eating out every day/meal. TONS of restaurant choices. Coffee at least once a day. Not keeping track of food & exercise. A real vacation, a real break from the day to day.

Left me wishing for a little more of all that when I got back home. I know that that much indulgence everyday long term would NOT result in happiness, I have no doubts. And it's better to leave wanting more and ready to go back with good memories than to get sick of it and not want to go back...

It might take me a little longer to snap out of it though. heh.

I THINK I came out of it even money-wise, more or less. Will see for real when we do finances, but so far so good. Just got a check in today that should cover the hostel expense I put on the credit card. Still - $117 for 5 nights? Good stuff.

Left once again with the conundrum - it would be SO very nice to live closer to those gals. But how will we ever find a city/living situation that we are all happy in? I do love FF. Aware of its shortcomings and all.

We see each other so well, the power and the beauty and the potential. We cheer each other on when we aren't reaching our fullest expressions. And yet it's still hard to really believe it for ourselves. That "well, they have to say that, they're my friends." But seriously - why would we have become friends in the first place if we didn't think the other was awesome? I'd like to think that initial assessment at least was honest if nothing else, but I'm sure it's more than that.

Funny, funny, the way the tricksy mind works... heh.

Oh yeah

I forgot to write about the Valentine's Day party we went to. It was a good experience in many ways.

First of all, it was a party! The friend who threw it usually has a xmas party but he was out of town this year so he had a Valentine's one instead. :-) It was fun to see people we hadn't seen in a while.

But what I really want to write about because it was more interesting to me, was how I handled it. It was a potluck, which is usually hard because there are so many tasty things. I filled my plate half with salad and had a taste of just about everything else. I ate it, put the plate down and just sat there (as opposed to going for seconds) and when someone asked if they could take my plate, I only had a split second of hesitation before saying yes (as opposed to hanging on to the plate to go for seconds).

I had several moments where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, embarrassed, shy or awkward (which is normal for me at just about any party). I didn't go up to the table and grab stuff to munch on or drink just so I would have something to do. I didn't go for my phone or ipod either. I just sat with it, observed myself and the people at the party, and after a while I would either get interested in a conversation going on or someone would start talking to me.

There was a cake at the end. I had my piece, and took a brownie. The cake was great, but after a bite of the brownie, I decided it wasn't OMG amazing, so I handed it over to G (normally I would have eaten the whole thing anyway).

There was a gift exchange game, the one where it's a big pile of generic gifts and people draw numbers and then steal from each other or pick from the pile till all the presents are gone. It being Valentine's day, there was a lot of chocolate to go around. I ended up opening a beautiful pair of handmade earrings, which I very much hoped I could keep because I didn't need a big box of chocolate talking to me for days after the party, and I didn't want another teddy bear or toy cluttering up the house. There was one lady who came to see if she wanted to steal them but said they weren't her style. So they are mine! I was grateful to get the perfect thing for me, and happy that the gift I brought was popular enough to get passed around. Just a little trinket, but I included $10 cash in with it, so that may have been the reason! :D

I decided to not even try to add up all the calories from the party but just write it off as 1000 collectively, which was fairly close in number to the party I went to in January. On the way home, I realized that I was actually a little bit hungry! (as opposed to being so stuffed I couldn't possibly eat anything for dinner). The next day I had even lost a little weight!

So, a great success and a good example for me to remember. I had fun, I didn't deny myself any of the things I wanted or stress about it but I was very mindful and aware of my choices. I enjoyed what I ate because I was conscious of what it was and savored it. Any of the uncomfortable moments were just that - moments. Nothing to freak out about. And rather than feeling depressed, stuffed, frustrated or drained after when I came home, I felt happy, content, proud, fulfilled and satisfied. Hooray!

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Sigh

Feeling kinda down/overwhelmed today. G is done with the trade show and is now off to Colombia till the 17th. It's such a difference knowing he's not in the next room or downstairs or something.

Feels like I've been utterly flaking out the past week. It's not entirely true, but it's definitely partially true. So hard for me when there's nothing set to actually get anything done.

Went to see Twilight in Ottumwa today with friends. Had the yummy veggie burger at Roe's and told them to hold the second burger. I ordered it before and it came with TWO burgers on one bun and that is just toooo much food, but at the time I was horrifically nervous so I ate the entire thing and felt way too full for way too long afterward. I'm still kinda full from just the one, so I'm really glad I didn't get two!

Twilight was pretty good, not as good as the book, and they compressed/changed several of the scenes/events from the book, which is to be expected for a movie I guess, but I think they still did a pretty good job of hitting on the main bits. Funny, probably the shortest amount of time between reading a book and seeing the movie for me in a long time if ever, so the book was very fresh in my mind.

Been running into things that my laptop cannot do - like video chat in Google. It's not really THAT old, but in technology land, well... 3 years is a long time I guess. Also wishing for things like a video camera, and an iPhone, but wondering, if I HAD a new laptop, or an iPhone, would the video capabilities in those things be enough for my purposes? And so again, what's the most efficient investment of financial resources?

Need to kind of sit down and figure it out really, because I have the feeling that I'd like to ask for one or two "big ticket" items for Christmas and just have people chip in for that, rather than get a bunch of little things I don't really want/need. If it was really big it could possibly even go over into Birthday as well... that's the advantage to a January birthday, not so close to Christmas that people automatically give combination presents, but close enough that if a combining is needed it works. heh.

Oh blog...

It has only been 5 days. I have missed you, and yet been relieved not to HAVE to post anything (though granted it was my own idea to participate in NaBloPoMo). So much and so little has happened during our time apart!

I've been temporarily laid off my part time gig due to lack of funding. (so has everyone else, I haven't been singled out). Due to "the economy" as they say. It should pick up in January, there's lots of promising promises being made that I believe. So I'm not worried really. Just knowing I should make ends meet in the meantime, but without the same fire under my butt that not believing would ignite.

I also have some leads on some temporary part time work to fill in the gap, but none of that has really started quite yet, so I'm floating in limbo this week, not really getting anything done at all, not even my homework, and I'm very, very far behind in that. ARGH. Been visiting and talking and planning and having meals with people, which is very good, because I'm also alone. So I guess that's not nothing.

The sink totally backed up today, made a mess of making dinner for my brother and his gf. Embarrassing, but they seemed to take it well. I prattled on a lot, a little nervous, wanting them to be happy and comfortable. I managed to ask some questions towards the end, I hope I did alright. So silly, isn't she supposed to be the one nervous to meet me? Maybe she was. They are super cute together in any case, and the food was tasty, so yeah. It was an "extra Thanksgiving" theme, because I personally did not get enough Thanksgiving, because it was a potluck and I didn't bring home any leftovers other than stuffing.

G's friends and family have been chatting with me a lot more lately, wanting updates about him in Dubai. I honestly don't know much more than they do, but I AM impressed at how well my minimal Spanish is holding up so far with them. I was worried I'd totally lose it after focussing on music stuff to the exclusion of Spanish, but so much of it is still there. Thank goodness.

It's been rattling around, several people now have told me that I should write a book (maybe a whitepaper?) about about music social marketing and/or to start a service for musicians to help them with it. The thing I haven't figured out yet, is that a huge part of it is BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS. And I can't do that for them, can I?

I mean, I guess big companies have evangelist/mouthpiece/marketing people, and if being a musician is running a small business, no reason they couldn't have someone doing that part for them, but it would be a delicate balance - how transparent would it be? Ghostwriting? Just a representative, openly doing the work/gatekeeping? Depends on the artist? Some like the social networking, some hate the idea of even turning on a computer. I have the patience to coach people through this stuff, but it's only as useful as you use it... You have to actively participate in the community to build a community. I can set up your accounts and show you around, but you oughta be the one maintaining them right?

The tricks are (and this is not necessarily the order of priority):
1. To get them to understand WHAT the tools are - explaining things (what's a widget? Twitter wha'?) from the ground up is tricky, need to find the common denominator things they DO know and build from there.
2. To get them to understand WHY the tools are useful and important (do I really have to do ANOTHER online thing?)
3. To get them over their fear/confusion/frustration with the internet/computers/technology in general (I just want to play my guitar!)

My brother suggests that I do my book with cartoons, people like comic books and they're more likely to pay attention. :-)

Writing a book is NOT ever something I thought I would ever, ever do. Books are what other people do. Books take too long to write. I want to write songs. Right? Hrm.

Happy Nutloaf (plus a lot of other food) Day!

I don't eat turkey, so calling it turkey day is kind of weird for me. Though I guess a bunch of other people DO eat turkey, so it's still a turkey day or something.

Had a nice big meal with the L family as we quite often do. B & R were back from Scotland and it was super nice to see them. Had a bit of a strange while where I felt like I was just sitting on the edge of the room and G was kind of napping next to me and it was all full of people talking and I wasn't part of any of it. But shortly after that I got up and moved a tray so I could sit next to B & A and then got to talk to them for a bit and felt more like I was part of things.

I made roasted veggies which went over really well. Seems funny to me because they are SO easy, just chop up the veggies and drizzle lots of olive oil, herbs, and some onions and garlic. But people liked 'em lots! I also made vegetarian stuffing that was barely touched since there was tons more, and some cranberry sauce that wasn't even opened since there was LOTS of that. Anyway, I like both those things so I'm sure they'll be eaten soon.

The other thing people liked that I brought were these little coconut cookies, that are also super easy to make - just sweetened flaked coconut, sugar, egg whites and chopped pistachios. I think that may have been the only dessert that was completely eaten! T didn't even get any because she was too full and by the time she wasn't, they were all gone! I made them last night because I wanted to offer something to G's soccer friends who were over and I figured I could bring the rest to Thanksgiving. :) Luckily I happened to have just the right amount of pistachios on hand to make them.

It was strange to see B & R and realize we really haven't been in touch much for the whole year and a 1/2 since we visited them and how much has happened since then! It's been nearly a year since I lost my job at AS and it's still such a big part of my story. Might be time to let it go? It WAS a rather life changing event though, and it's part of the explanation of how I got to where I am now. Interesting though, to really notice, that it was almost a year ago.

Right before Christmas, when we cleaned out the whole office, and it looked so sterile and bare. Granted, I stayed on to train people, but only for 1/2 days and only from home. I still have boxes full of crap that I brought home, sitting in my little home office, taking up space. I threw out a bunch of old notebooks last month as it was infinitely clear that I would no longer need them. Some of the stuff from the office was the little knick-knacks I'd collected over the 3 years working there, little things that brightened my day or helped me get through it. I really was pretty miserable at the end...

The worst part is when you have to sit there, when there's nothing to do. I mean, there's ALWAYS something to do I suppose, but you definitely don't have the freedom to say "ok, I've done enough for today, I'm going home." And then being so tired and drained that I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to. Such a waste.

G is heading to Dubai tomorrow, and Colombia directly after that. He'll be gone for 20 days! eeps! That's pretty long. Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself busy. It'll give me plenty of time to get used to the Prius. So strange not to need to use a key, just press a button and it's on, press a button to park it. Hard to TELL if it's on because it doesn't make any noise starting up!!

Anyhoo, I'm thankful for a year of transformation, growth and figuring out boundaries and desires, many adventures and getting to see lots of friends and make some new ones. Grateful to be building relationships with people in the music world and to recognize that it's a real and valid lifestyle, not something that's shameful or crazy. Thankful for the President Elect and all he seems to be doing already in preparation for taking office. (I read something the other day about how he's going to "green" the White House, loved that! Very thankful for my amazing and supportive G who has stood by and helped me up during all my crazy figuring out of things this year. I don't think it's quite over, but getting closer!

Whoo hoo!!

This is my current Facebook status, I think it pretty much sums things up: "Heather still smells like the swimming pool 12 hours later, is wearing sparkly pants and has a Prius in the driveway!"

Oh, also I had pizza for the third night in a row, SCORE! (we bought two boboli crusts a couple days ago, made the second one tonight.)

We gave my car to some of G's friends. I'm keeping the second key till they pay me. Not that that really means anything, but um, yeah, I'm keeping it. His wife has the money in Barranquilla, and she can give it to Gilberto's mom. But then how it gets to ME is the question. G is going to Colombia after his Dubai trip, so he could get it then (that's like 2 weeks from now). We cleaned all the stuff out but didn't actually clean the car or anything. Kind of weird to just let it go today, it was my first car that was MINE, that I paid for.

I'll get to drive the Prius while G is away. Funtimes. It's like a freakin spaceship or something. The whole turning it on with a button rather than a key takes a little getting used to, as does the whole camera thing for going in reverse.

TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING!!! Gonna have dinner with old family friends. B is back from Scotland for a visit, so we've been reserved to have Thanksgiving there since forever. Several of my girl friends in the Pacific Northwest are getting together for Thanksgiving too, wish I could be in two places at once, or that there were at least transporters for quick teleportation. After all, with the 2 hour time difference, if I could be across the country in an instant, I could probably pull off 2 Thanksgivings! :D

Yumness!

I've been having a lovely past three days off of work! And I've got today as well, wheeeeeeeee! Let's see, my long weekend...

Our Thanksgiving was nice, we had it at Jeffrey's house. They've been completely re-doing the kitchen and had finally gotten in all their cupboards and appliances and really wanted to have Thanksgiving there. It was sweet.

I made mashed potatos (one pot of garlic, one pot of plain butter & cream), vegetarian gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a pumpkin pie! Busy bee morning! Luckily G helped with the potatos, did most of them really, I wouldn't have been able to do it without him! Oh, and I made the cranberry sauce the night before. It was my first time on making the gravy and stuffing and pumpkin pie as well I think, and everything came out yum! We had lasagna (my family's tradition) and nutloaf as the main course, and there was also salad and bread and a corn casserole, and FIVE pies - pudding (Tommy's traditional contribution), Some sort of apple/berry thing, meatless mince pie, crustless squash pie and my pumpkin one.

My mom and brothers, Jeffrey and his mom and daughter were all there, and my dad and April came afterwards for pie, plus one of mom and Jeffrey's friends came over and hung out for most of the afternoon and evening. We stayed until about 10:30pm, just talking and grazing on the remains of the meal. heh. But there were still left over potatos and plenty of sparkling juice, so I accomplished my mission - there never seems to be enough of those, and this year we had extra. :-)

G and my brothers and I had another, less elaborate meal at my dad's on Friday and played Pictionary.

We went to see the new James Bond movie last night. It was good, a little intense for me in parts, but I'm good a closing my eyes. ;-) Long though! I kept thinking it was over, but no, another twist!

My days have been lazy late mornings, lots of Spanish lessons on my computer (I just got a cool new program online called Rocket Spanish that's really nice), making gift tags for Natural Selections, and helping my mom clear out the kitchen cabinets. Now that Tommy's kitchen is almost finished and the kitchen at Jeffrey's is almost finished she actually has places to put her stuff, so she's taking it out! As well as about 15-20 years worth of rubberbands, plastic bags, coupons and yogurt type containers and random soda bottles that were being saved for various reasons - our recycling bin and trash can are both bursting full. Now we get to figure out where we actually want to put OUR kitchen stuff! (a lot of it has been hiding in a cupboard in the living room)

We should be here in Fairfield between Christmas and New Years. At one point we were thinking of going to visit my Grandma in CA, but I talked with her yesterday and we decided it would be nicer to see her for her birthday in February - less craziness both in the airports and at her place. And if we wait till February my mom might even be able to come!

New vlog!

So this happened in August, but it's been this long before I could even slap-dash anything together...