Friday, May 07, 2010


So, I thought I was doing all good with money.

I paid for my song school balance.

I bought a ticket to Portland.

Then I actually sat down and looked at finances.

And I realized that I have consistently for the past few months been spending $200 over what I'm making.

Not good.

Frustrating! Especially since I really feel that I've pared it back to bare bones in terms of spending for the most part. I don't see what I could cut more than this... What it really comes down to is I need to start earning more money somehow.

I'm surviving, G is helping and we've got our tax refund which should help me catch up a little. But damn...

If I felt like I was REALLY getting a lot of good stuff done, like building up my guitar skills or writing a bunch of good songs in this "down time", then I might not feel so guilty. I'd be putting in the time to be making money later. But instead I feel like I'm running around at the whims of multiple people and things, working for way less than I am worth for the most part.

Also, if I would decide on some stuff to do or things to offer, and advertise and schedule and stick to it... If I would take the control rather than being reactionary... If, if, if.

I still don't want a full time job. I'm terrified of that. How it might make me stressed, depressed, eat, all over again. I my body and spirit can't afford that, but right now there are a lot of things I want but can't afford either. Where's the balance? How does it work?

I feel like I'm doing good work in the things that I do put my time into. But I also feel like I'm not consciously choosing where I spend my time. Combine that with procrastination and overwhelm when I do have my own time to spend and the stuff I want to do keeps getting put off. dammit.

I HAVE been clearing out a lot of crap lately. Boxes and bags of old stuff that doesn't make sense anymore. Things that were obviously just tossed in a bag before a party or before moving and were forgotten and not dealt with.

Feels so good to get rid of the crap. Lighter. Easier to breathe. More space.

Maybe with more room, I'll have more room to play?

Maybe if I sat down and focused, I COULD start bringing some money in from the stuff I am doing already?

A lot is happening, a lot is moving these days for me. Things are more intense in both good ways and in challenging ways. I feel more alive, more energy. I like those parts. But as the challenges pop up, I can also see why I slid so far back into inertia. Isolated and isolating. Less to deal with.

I used to feel sorry and above some of my former co-workers who seemed to so identify with their jobs that losing the job seemed to make them lose themselves. I was wondering today though if I might have invested just as much of my self-worth in that job as well, though perhaps in a different way.

It's kind of a big deal to be told that you don't matter, that you're just a butt to fill a seat, that you are easily replaced. You shouldn't have to take it seriously. You should know your worth and when people are BS-ing you because they are greedy and selfish. Part of me knew all that while it was happening. But I think part of me is still holding on to the idea that I need to be making a certain amount of money to be worthy and worthwhile in life.

That's the part of me that doesn't reach out and invite friends to hang out. That lets people interrupt me when I'm in the middle of a story. "I'm not a properly contributing member of society. I'm not worthy to socialize. I'm not worthy to stand up for myself. People don't want to hear what I want to say."

That part needs some help seeing some other points of view.

I'm sounding down. Some really good stuff really is happening. Just not sure if I'm ready to share just yet... But the good things happen often enough that I'm trusting the big picture more now hat things will work out eventually.


Nandi said...

First off *hugs*

Second. With the FT thing, is it the FT-ness of it that scares you? The type of work you'd be doing during that time? The possible situations you might find yourself in? Your potential co-workers?

Heather said...

Thanks for the hugs!

FT thing - not totally sure, but in my last FT job, after the newness and exciting parts wore off, and when it was bought out went more super corporate, the focus of the company became very much more about numbers and money, and less about people.

It was frustrating to have to sit in a chair until 5pm no matter what, to feel like some days it was just busy work to fill up hours, and other days it felt like I would never, ever, ever finish the projects, no matter how hard I worked on them. The only thing that really made the whole deal worthwhile was the amazing co-workers!

Still, I was so drained at the end of the day, that I didn't have enough energy to do my creative things that I wanted to do. All I could do was watch TV or mess about online.

Some of that is the same now, but for different reasons. So now I get to find out what is the problem of the FT job, and what must be a problem of me... :D

I don't think all FT jobs have to be like this. If you're working for the right people and the right reasons, at something you are both good at but that challenges you in the right ways, you probably get enough out of it that it is not draining. But it was draining for me. After over two years of not working FT, the less I think I could go back to that sort of schedule!

I do have skills that I could/should get paid more for though. If I could get some of those kind of part time jobs on a regular basis, then I would be earning more PER hour, so I wouldn't need to work as many hours = more free time for creative stuff!

I had a job like that for a few months a little over a year ago. The people were great, the work was fun and challenging, the pay was the most I'd ever gotten per hours and the hours were part time. But the company went out of business. :( Sigh.