Writer's Block

Anger

Fear

Frustration

Judgment

Pressure

Stress

Impatience

Tired

Waste of time

Waste of energy

Unfair

Burden

Backed into a corner

My own damn fault

What's important?

boo

OK, I've been trying to justify things and pretend all day, but I can't help it, I'm bummed.

House concert last night. The gal was amazing. Classically trained since she was 5, and it showed in her skill and fluency in making the keys express what she wanted to say.

7 people showed up. (Plus 3 little kids, who were adorable and very well behaved, but didn't add to the donation jar. Not that I expected them or their parents to do so at all! Just explaining why I don't really include them in the total.) My brother and I made 9 adults.

She made $56 from donations, I dropped a $5 in at the end. I think she sold 5 CDs at $10 each. So $111.

It was a weekend. There was a ton of other stuff going on. I purposefully left the time at the earlier show time that I usually do on weeknights so that people would have a chance to go out to more than one thing. You know, dinner (which you have to do anyway), music, then head out to the bar and the later starting shows.

I bought groceries and made a whole bunch of soup. Since not too many people showed up, there's a whole lot left, and we'll eat it, so that won't go to waste. Still, I probably wouldn't have spent that cash otherwise.

The house is clean, that's a bonus. Some of that comes from my amazing brother tossing a bunch of crap up in my office at the last minute while I was cooking, which also means I don't exactly know where a bunch of my stuff is at the moment. It looked like a mess, but there WAS an order to the piles... :P Not at ALL mad at him, I asked him to do that and it saved me, just mentioning that it's one more thing I now have to deal with.

I made a FB event. I made an Evite event. I interviewed her on my show, I blogged about that, and cross-posted to twitter & FB. I busted my butt to get the interview chopped to 30min before the weekend so I could have it rebroadcast. I clipped out her station ID and put her songs in the vault. I posted lots of videos of her on FB in the weeks leading up to the show to get people interested and familiar.

I paid $12 to put a few lines in the calendar page of the paper. I don't know how many people read that, but the editor has been good to me with show announcements in the past and I wanted to try and give a little back to her.

I made little quarter page flyers and handed them out during Art Walk and while I was cooking on Saturday, for the most part trying to actually talk to the people I handed the flyers to, telling them how great she was and how fun I thought the night would be. Maybe I need to work on my "pitch" but at least I was doing a pitch and not just handing them a piece of paper to ignore. Granted, it was short notice since it was the day before, but I was hoping it would be a good reminder to people who had already seen the invite online, and show that I really thought they in particular might like to come.

The one thing I didn't do that I could have was put up posters around town, but I am never sure how much good that does, ESPECIALLY for a house concert. I mean, I'm actually a believer in the poster because it creates a repeat impression on someone if they see it all over town. But I've put up posters the past few times I've had a house show and only ONCE have I gotten a call off the poster, and that person didn't end up coming anyway.

The other thing I didn't do that I just can't afford right now is take out a poster page ad, but I really can't justify that. Costs about as much as she made before I dropped in the $5! And again, not sure how much of a difference it would have made.

Several of my regular people who almost always come to everything (and a couple of them who said that they WERE going to come) didn't show up.

So yeah, I don't know.

She got free dinner, free brunch, free place to sleep. She went and picked up a bottle of wine for about $10. It's probably going to be anywhere from $25-45 for her to get to her next stop.

Averaging it out, the donations came out to about $8 per person. Sorta close to what a lot of concerts end up being around here. $8-10... The suggested donation here was $10-15, but it's completely by the honor system, a bowl by the door, so there's not supposed to be any guilt about it. And I get it. Times are tough. Part of why I DO these concerts and help taking tickets out at other shows and such is just because of that! And when you consider also that then a bunch of people bought $10 or $20 worth of CDs from her, each person or family actually did average out to more like $15 each person. $30 for a family. Plus bringing food! So yeah, I get it. Which is why I wish more people had showed up. Even if they all just gave $5 each, 15 people would have been $75, more than she got from the 7 people there.

Geesh. I really could just spin myself dizzy-sick over this. Not last night in particular, but the whole thing in general. And I'm really feeling like I'm squirming around in the nuts and bolts when I should be looking at it on a bigger level of the picture. Like, I would really like to take a poll about why people do/don't come to the shows. What keeps them from coming? Because I took her out to check out a couple of the other local venues after her show, and everyone we ran into was like "oh hey, how was the show?" So they knew about it, remembered at least after the fact... And yet didn't come.

Do they not understand what a house concert is? Do they not like the music? Are they intimidated by the suggested donation? By not being able to bring food to the potluck? I just don't get it... I mean, what should be happening is that I should be having RSPVs zooming in the second I post the invitations, and people should be happy to pay $20 to ensure they get one of the limited seats available. That's how I'd love it to be. But I suppose if there was that much demand it would be time to move to a bigger venue, or something... see? head spinning... eff.

It's not really my job to take care of her. It's hers. She made the choice to live the life. But by taking on the concert, I feel like I AM making an unspoken/semi-spoken deal that I'm going to do everything I can to make a good show happen. I don't really know what's considered a good show. She said she was happy she did it. When she first met me, she shook my hand. When she left she gave me a hug. The people who came paid attention and said they liked the songs and told her how amazing she was, and that they'd help promote if she ever came back. (my defensive hackles rose up at that remark, as if I hadn't been promoting it!!!)

By contrast, she could have been playing in a smoky bar under the TV for 3 hours for tips, gotten some greasy food from the grill and had to sleep in her car. So I guess it could have been much worse.

Maybe I'm so upset because it's seeing the reality of the life that I think and say I want. On the one hand, you could say if she played for 1.25 hrs, she made like $48 per hour, plus merch sales. But the thing is, the job is not just the playing. It's the driving and the setting up and the schmoozing with the audience and all that. Plus writing and rehearsing and booking. So lets say even that she worked for 8 hours of the day, that comes out to $7.50 per hour, plus merch sales. That is getting into working a cafe job wages per hour, plus tips if you're lucky. But at least she's making music, right? huh. And seriously, it has to be less than that because you have to pay to make the records, and there are probably lots and lots and lots of days you work more than 8 hours. But for the sake of this little post, let's just leave it at $7.5o per hour plus merch.

So like, if I'm going to even out to making minimum wage either way, which would I rather do? Is that the question?

Damn.

Weirdness...

So, I thought I was doing all good with money.

I paid for my song school balance.

I bought a ticket to Portland.

Then I actually sat down and looked at finances.

And I realized that I have consistently for the past few months been spending $200 over what I'm making.

Not good.

Frustrating! Especially since I really feel that I've pared it back to bare bones in terms of spending for the most part. I don't see what I could cut more than this... What it really comes down to is I need to start earning more money somehow.

I'm surviving, G is helping and we've got our tax refund which should help me catch up a little. But damn...

If I felt like I was REALLY getting a lot of good stuff done, like building up my guitar skills or writing a bunch of good songs in this "down time", then I might not feel so guilty. I'd be putting in the time to be making money later. But instead I feel like I'm running around at the whims of multiple people and things, working for way less than I am worth for the most part.

Also, if I would decide on some stuff to do or things to offer, and advertise and schedule and stick to it... If I would take the control rather than being reactionary... If, if, if.

I still don't want a full time job. I'm terrified of that. How it might make me stressed, depressed, eat, all over again. I my body and spirit can't afford that, but right now there are a lot of things I want but can't afford either. Where's the balance? How does it work?

I feel like I'm doing good work in the things that I do put my time into. But I also feel like I'm not consciously choosing where I spend my time. Combine that with procrastination and overwhelm when I do have my own time to spend and the stuff I want to do keeps getting put off. dammit.

I HAVE been clearing out a lot of crap lately. Boxes and bags of old stuff that doesn't make sense anymore. Things that were obviously just tossed in a bag before a party or before moving and were forgotten and not dealt with.

Feels so good to get rid of the crap. Lighter. Easier to breathe. More space.

Maybe with more room, I'll have more room to play?

Maybe if I sat down and focused, I COULD start bringing some money in from the stuff I am doing already?

A lot is happening, a lot is moving these days for me. Things are more intense in both good ways and in challenging ways. I feel more alive, more energy. I like those parts. But as the challenges pop up, I can also see why I slid so far back into inertia. Isolated and isolating. Less to deal with.

I used to feel sorry and above some of my former co-workers who seemed to so identify with their jobs that losing the job seemed to make them lose themselves. I was wondering today though if I might have invested just as much of my self-worth in that job as well, though perhaps in a different way.

It's kind of a big deal to be told that you don't matter, that you're just a butt to fill a seat, that you are easily replaced. You shouldn't have to take it seriously. You should know your worth and when people are BS-ing you because they are greedy and selfish. Part of me knew all that while it was happening. But I think part of me is still holding on to the idea that I need to be making a certain amount of money to be worthy and worthwhile in life.

That's the part of me that doesn't reach out and invite friends to hang out. That lets people interrupt me when I'm in the middle of a story. "I'm not a properly contributing member of society. I'm not worthy to socialize. I'm not worthy to stand up for myself. People don't want to hear what I want to say."

That part needs some help seeing some other points of view.

I'm sounding down. Some really good stuff really is happening. Just not sure if I'm ready to share just yet... But the good things happen often enough that I'm trusting the big picture more now hat things will work out eventually.

grrr

Been having a couple of down/rough days. Not sure what that's about. Wrong time for PMS. Maybe just thoroughly tired myself out from staying up waaaay too late for the past couple of weeks.

It's been 2 months since I started with the diet and I'm feeling a bit worn down on it at the moment. Hungry actually. Which just started happening in the past couple of days too. My mom suggested that it may be some specific taste I'm missing out on as a result of calorie reduction and to try out those different tastes (Sweet, Sour, Salty, Bitter, Pungent, and Astringent) to see if one seems to satisfy. Will have to experiment with that a little more in the next few days.

The weight loss has slowed down too, (which is not unexpected really, it's always the most drastic when you first start) and I am realizing what a long haul this is going to be, and the thought of that tires me out at the moment. Along with realizing that I will probably at some point have to reduce calories even further. ugh. I know it will be worth it for so many reasons, and it's VERY encouraging to have gotten such a nice jump start, but just right now I'm worn down.

Music blog and radio show seem to be ramping up a bit. That is good. (though still trying to catch up on back shows, and starting to feel a bit more pressure to be more professional or something). Job is good. Spring is coming, VERY GOOD.

Sorta caught up on a few online music lessons, progress, but still not caught up and need to not fall FARTHER behind. argh.

But for now, I have to get up early for Dr check-in tomorrow. So I am going to bed. Semi sorta early for my past few weeks. blegh.

Interesting idea

I was talking with my friend who I have been helping out as a caretaker about guitar and how I struggle with getting myself to practice, how I couldn't figure out what was my deal with that.

She suggested to try just practicing, and rather than squash those rebellious or guilty or whatever feelings, just allow them to come - feel them through, let them play out. Rather than trying to think it out with the intellect, that rebellious side might actually provide information about "why?" from an emotional standpoint if I allow it to speak. And whether I then work it through intellectually or emotionally, it may not matter because the energy just needs to be shifted and the WAY it gets shifted isn't as important as the shifting.

It sounds like a really good way to approach this, and certainly different from the same old, same old, which hasn't gotten me anywhere yet, has it?

Now comes the actual getting myself to sit down and do it... heh

In any case, her depth of clarity and insight continually inspire me. What a blessing to learn so much while helping her get around town and get things done around the house. We are both helping each other quite a lot I think. Pretty cool.

P.S. Making the bed every day is working! Plus I just feel good when I walk by and see it all orderly looking. :-)

ergh

I am tired.

Two days of cooking in a row. Today was the super marathon. I just don't know what we can do to make it go faster for people. 45 minutes is too long to wait for food, but we're cooking as fast as we can. Not enough space, not enough griddle space.

I counted 50 order sheets. Some sheets had more than one item on them... Of course people don't come in an even flow, but saying they did, that's approximately 10 orders per hour, which means to fit them all in we only get 6 minutes per order. Which is not enough time to cook any of the things we make. And of course we get huge onslaughts all at once. There were less people today than last week. Probably because we were too slow and they don't want to come back.

My brain just keep spinning, trying to figure out the answer to the problem. The thing is, we are very nearly maxed out on cooking space, so to me it keeps coming down to expectation. We only have so much capacity. In a big restaurant, they have X # of tables, and if they are full, they won't even seat you until they are ready to take your order. And of course they spread things out, giving you drinks first, appetizers and then food... We're not a ready to go buffet, we cook each thing to order. But somehow we have more tables than we can cook for at once. So they get their coffee and expect to eat within 20 minutes, but if we're backed up, we have to get through the orders first. If we were able to tell them accurately, "Look, it's going to be 45 minutes, if you feel like waiting." Maybe if we also had more ready-to-go stuff, like the quiche and just more scones, we didn't have enough of those today.

I don't know. I'm kind of depressed. I need to not take it personally. I really am doing everything I can to go as fast as I can! The problem is when people get hungry they get cranky too. geesh. Anyway. It's over for a week. We'll see what happens next time.

I just took a break and looked up some omelet recipes and videos. I think I'm doing it wrong because all the recipes seem to say they should only take a few minutes and mine take much longer. I think it's because I'm not letting the egg run under to cook up faster... that's probably it. dammit. It's a bit harder to control in the big griddle thingy though... Need to figure that out.

I'm wiped out physically and emotionally and mentally. I have some music homework to do but I just don't have any juice. I think it'll be better to go to sleep now and get up and do it in the morning. drats.

Oh, and they announced the winners of the script contest. Not me. Both the 2 winners and the 2 runners up were all guys. 16 people entered. Anyway, I'm glad I did it. Hope I will do more. Though at the moment between that, trying to do my music homework and feeling stupid, and feeling like I failed brunch, I really could use a pep talk. I have the "what's the point of even trying if you're just going to fail?" tape playing at loud volume in my head right now.

bruised

So apparently the directors thought my song sounded "too thin" and want to add people to it. There's a girl who plays banjo back in town for the holidays who is going to see if she thinks she can do it and call me in the morning to figure out more stuff. I'm mad at the timing. Why did they let it go this long before "auditioning" me? Now it's 2.5 days before the show, and one of those days is Christmas and half of the other day I'll be working.

I won't deny that I am pretty heartbroken. I've been working hard for a while now on this one song and while I have had bouts of nervousness, I had gotten to a point that I felt good about it. Not fancy, brassy or loud, but sweet and heartfelt and honestly delivered. I wanted to be good enough the way I am, loved and appreciated for my uniqueness. I mean, the song was sung by a frog puppet fer crying out loud, it's not like his voice was all that full. He did have a string section backing him up, but where would I find something like that on short notice?

Tempting as it is to completely hand off the song to someone else, crawl into a hole and die, I'll keep trying till Saturday to work something out so they like it by adding more voices and stuff. If this is really what I want to do, I need to start putting myself out there and actually doing it. I guess if nothing else I'll find out faster if it's going to work or not and if not, the faster I can move on to something else.

This is where that line gets weird and blurry of "Be your creative self" that the books and teachers say who are trying to encourage artists. It's one thing to be yourself by yourself, it's quite another to have other people pay attention while you are being creative, and yet another thing to be in a situation where you don't get to call the shots, where someone else is in control and has the last word.

But part of being an artist IS sharing the things you do.

Am I too soft for this? Am I not good enough? Not ready? Delusional? Because eff - if I am embarrassing myself, don't play nice with me, don't mess with my head. That's not doing me any favors.

I'm exhausted. Two super late nights in a row trying to do cookies and stuff, and now I'm not even sure if I have it in me to finish off the effort to plate everything up. G likes the gingersnaps, he'd eat them all eventually...

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Random

This is the day to day me. This is the doubts, the confusion and complaining. This is where I don't care, where I don't censor or try. (at least not as much and not as hard)

I have all sorts of parts and pieces. I try to stay positive, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes the frustrations need to get out somewhere.

Sometimes I just think it's all hormonal.

But I never want to invalidate the feelings. It's just the hormones make it harder to hold back what's already there.

Status update: Heather is wishing I could be less of a sponge and more of a paintbrush. Oooh! Sponge painting! Maybe?

Soaking soaking soaking up information. To what purpose? Just to get soggy and damp and lethargic and bloated? BLECH! Painting is harder than absorbing. dammit.

Floating in limbo land.

Struggling to find the right balance of structured and free time. Structure is so much easier for me when someone else imposes it. Or at least part of it.

I do get things done. Majorly updated my interview archives today. Took 4 hours. But all these other shoulds, hovering. They don't let me enjoy or celebrate the accomplishments I DO achieve. DAMMIT!

I seem to have a least a little something each day. One thing. One person. That helps. Often I try to "work" out in cafes and coffee shops, just to get out of the house, to see some humans.

I see the same people in the coffee shops. Even though I rotate coffee shops. Are we on the same schedule? Are the other shops empty, or is there a whole set of latte drinking laptop-ers I don't even know about?

I want a nice logo and design for my music blog, but I'm not sure I can afford it. Don't care enough to learn how to do it myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere? Just tweaking a template enough that it's not obviously a template, without having to overhaul everything?

Haven't gotten started on Christmas ANYTHING. This is freaking me out. Frustrating.

Highly lacking in motivation and inspiration! PISSER! I have lots of time, more than I have had in a while, and just frittering it away? But I don't really even care all that much? UGH. GROSS. LAME.

Grah!!

So what's my deal? SO MUCH I want and need to do, and I spend all my time at home either sleeping or online reading blogs and "social networking". It's one of those things that's really hard for me to figure out how to balance, and until recently I haven't really even had any desire to. It's kind of hard because I can't just turn it off altogether - there ARE important and valid connections I'm making and/or maintaining and valuable things that I'm learning.

But how do I know which are the important things? There's ALWAYS more to read/see/do online and sometimes I find myself doing the STUPIDEST things - like re-arranging my freaking plants on my Facebook Green Patch. SERIOUSLY! WHO THE FREAK CARES?! But when you have infinite choice, that's exactly what you have to do, CHOOSE. I think sometimes I do the dumb things like organizing plants because it's mindless, yet it feels like some tiny corner of my world I can have control over. Like somehow I can think better or feel like master of my universe if my plants are arranged more or less in rainbow order. Because there's so much I can't control, so much chaos. hrmph.

Really been thinking more about some of the conversation Trick and I seem to have going the past few days (see his comments on previous posts). It's kind of amazing, pretty much all stuff I know in theory, stuff I've heard before and understood, but it all flies out the window when it comes to me and my own art - why is that?

The editor - the evil editor. I know, I know she needs to go sit in the back room while I'm CREATING and can come back AFTER there's even something to critique. I've gotten way, way better at managing her, but she still manages to poke her head in at the most inopportune moments.

I sat in on a brilliant session at Song School where Steve Seskin and Susan Werner starting co-writing a song on the fly in front of a bunch of us. Susan went a little bonkers, bouncing around, chewing A LOT of gum, pacing, lying down (I think?). Anyway, someone asked her afterwards what was up with the gum (It was like a whole big pack) and she explained that she was doing everything she could to distract the editor and just BE in the moment. I thought it was brilliant. Both that she was brave enough to show us what it took for her to get the best place for writing, and that she'd figured it out for herself, her bag of tricks.

The problem for me I think, is I don't just have an editor for writing, it's for most of life! How exhausting is that? Very. Very. I think I may have actually done pretty well lately when I actually get down to the real writing at letting the creativity flow. But getting to the point where I allow myself to do it, allow myself to write, well the critic always has a whole bunch of things I should do first - clean the kitchen, make the bed, fold the laundry, write to potential interviewees, blog on the music blog, clear out old files on my computer and back it up, file papers, purge the closets and take stuff to Lucky Day, cook food, organize drawers, detail the car, vacuum the birdseed off the floor, DUST (omg do I ever need to dust), exercise, practice, do homework, etc, etc. All these things I SHOULD do first, and yet I don't do ANY of them, I just mess around online.

It's easier. It feels productive somehow. It seems like any one thing I want to do is just going to take a couple of seconds. But add up all the sites, checking messages, reading posts, leaving comments, and all of a sudden it's 11:30 at night and I'm too tired to think and give the proper attention and energy to the important things. It doesn't take a lot of brain power to check Twitter posts. But if I don't keep up on them, it takes a long time to catch up. (and there I just went and spent 20 minutes checking all those sites again. damn)

But the thing I've been thinking about is that I need to get my head on straight with the music. Back to the joy of just doing it. Because what's the point if I'm just as miserable forcing it, piling expectations and demands on it? That's no different than the office jobs I'd be trying to escape! I have a pretty good set up right now of part-time, and in an office environment that rocks, working with and on the business side of music. And I have so many ideas for when we have more users about how to make it a fun and useful community.

I have ideas for the musicians I'm helping out too. It's just hard to know when to put the ideas out there. I don't want to step on any toes or tell someone how to live their life or do their thing. Or like some of the ideas I've put out and they've been well received as ideas, but how to actually get them into reality?

And then, and then, what about me?

hrm

Cookies went over well, I mean at least people bought them, and thank goodness I made a double batch plus the muffin things cuz there was not much left. Spent the first half of the show in the teeny tiny box office, could hear well but would have liked to see. Not as many people showed up as we would have hoped, still thought it was ok but apparently we really didn't make enough. Pretty bummed about that. Wonder what else was going on tonight? 75% of Fairfield's bands were THERE!

Was hoping for some sort of pat on the back for working my butt off with the whole tickets/concessions thing, but I guess they were bummed about the earnings and therefore not in a back patting mood, plus we had to scramble to get out cuz it had gone over time.

A bunch of the other DJ's got to go up and announce the acts, not like I would have been able to that AND the door, but at one point the plan was to do something where they had all the DJ's at least stand up or possibly get up on stage, but they didn't do that either. (probably because it was so late) So kind of feel like I did a ton of stuff and didn't even get a plug for my show, but whatever. It wasn't the point really, but somehow I'm left feeling disgruntled and bummed, when it should have been triumphant what was pulled off with the amount of time and resources we had.

G is off in KC to pick up something for work that they need by Mon, that wasn't even going to ship till Mon. So I am home alone and it's freezing and rainy and my head is cranking and my heart is sad and there's no one to talk to/unwind. It feels like after a performance and we would go out to eat at McDs or Torino's or something but even if people are off doing that, I didn't perform on stage, just behind the scenes, so it's not like they would think of me for that. Very disconnected and frustrating.

I'm pretty sure later there may be some sort of thank you for everything I did sort of sentiment expressed, but that doesn't help me sleep tonight. meh.

When You Look Good, You Feel Good

That's what the message on Meredith Hirsch's phone says when you call for a haircut. It's this guy with a great British accent (except I think maybe it's actually a New Zealand accent, but anyway...)

And it's freakin' true! I didn't do anything drastic, just got the ends trimmed up and most importantly my bangs! They get to that point where they get long and drive me nuts falling in my eyes and I can't seem to do anything with them. She said I can come in for just a bang trim between cuts, and maybe I'll be able to do that more easily now that I work down the hall.

Also got my eyebrows waxed. It's so much better when someone does it for you. None of the psyching myself up 20 times for peeling it off. Pretty quick and painless. And then it looks lovely! Subtle to most people I think, if they even notice it at all, but a whole world of difference to me.

I'd been feeling kind of shaggy for a while, but it's been sort of a money/schedule thing. Plus being married to someone who tells me I'm pretty even when I feel completely wrecked, and working in an office full of guys and I don't really feel the pressure to look fabulous. Kind of sad really. And funny.

Being around girls in the office at AS definitely kept my standards up. There are some girls who are always super fashionable and therefore exhausting to try and keep up with, but at AS no one was terribly rich so we all worked our own styles but we were all at about a Target price point that was comfortable but fun.

But now, at least for a while, I'll be able to ride the haircut and feel good about myself for that.

Getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like I have so much knowhow or at least ideas of the business/marketing side of music, but no product (as in solid songs) to test them out on. Oh sure, I've written plenty of songs, but I don't feel confident about hardly any of them. I told Sharon my goal was to build up a solid half hour set that I felt really good about and could always have in my back pocket for things like the feature at the open mic, or playing at the ArtWalk, or opening for someone. Or like today when we stopped by the new Cafe Paradiso branch at Everybody's and Meret mentioned I could probably play a set if I wanted tomorrow or Saturday during their grand opening, and I said I didn't think I had 20 minutes worth of anything solid. And I've made this goal for myself weeks ago and I have ONE song that I feel good about so far?!!?

What stops me from practicing? Is it the fear that if I actually get good enough I'll have no excuse not to go out and play? And then what if I fall on my face then? It'll be because of my songs, people not liking them. But there I go taking it so personally. It's hard, because the songs ARE so personal, so from the heart. But more and more I'm realizing that it's also about putting on a show, taking that step back from being attached to something and giving it a proper showcase.

It's the difference between taking some snapshots and posting them online, and putting a frame on a printed out picture and hanging it on a wall. It's not that the printed out picture has to lose any of the raw emotion you captured when you took it, but giving it a frame and a place on a wall is adding a level of deliberateness that says "Here, look at this, I care about it. It meant enough to me that I think it might be worth your time and attention too, so I'm going to make that experience of looking at it as easy and pleasant as possible for you as I know how."

It's being less attached to how people are going to interpret it and more attached to delivering it to them the best way I know how. Like cooking a meal for someone - I can do my best to not undercook, overcook or burn it, I can use the best ingredients I can afford, I can even arrange it on the plate to look beautiful and place it in front of them. But I can't chew it for them (thanks Ron Browning for that analogy!). Nor can I control if their taste buds are more predisposed to prefer salty or sweet flavors. And if they need to add a little salt to make their eating experience more enjoyable, it's not a personal attack on me or my cooking.

So yes, I'm learning about taking a step back, about detaching the little hooks but still keeping it fresh and honest. But I still need to practice. To work on the craft, to woodshed. But it's this damn internet that eats up my time. I need to find a way to balance that out.

Lame-a-tron!

1) Waiting for my Harry Potter book. B & P got theirs already. On the UPS tracking site it says mine has been in transit from Ottumwa since 10:28. It is now 2:08. That is plenty of time for it to get to me! But as G pointed out, there's probably a lot of books being delivered today. I have had a strict conversation with G about the things he is NOT allowed to do until I am finished with the book, including and perhaps most importantly the fact that he MUST NOT read the last two pages, even if he promises not to tell me what happens. Because I just know he would go around with a little superior smirk of knowing and that would ruin the experience of reading it. I still never told him what happened in the last book. I think it's cheating to not read it for yourself. Maybe that's being a little harsh, but at the least he shouldn't wreck my experience. After I'm done he can read the last two pages or the whole thing.

2) Waiting for my paycheck. I got totally thrown off by a) forgetting to tell G about my poetry class check, and b) car insurance payment. I also don't have my backup travel fund to dip into since I used it all on our trip. And this is a loooong pay period because get paid on (or the weekday before) the 15th and on the last weekday of the month, which means while the bills are paid, but I'm 8 days in on 18 days of not having any spending $. I can use my CC but I'd rather not. And there are those few things I want to do that don't take CC's. Lunch at Small Planet and concerts at Cafe P being the two most painful things to give up. I'm feeling like such a whiner now, yipes! Anyway, the point being I stayed up late last night and got up a bit earlier than I might have otherwise this morning so I could sell some of my tea at the Farmer's Market, because I REALLY want to see Gayla Drake Paul at Cafe P tonight. I made a whopping $6.50, and I still need to give $2.50 of that to my brother for sharing his table with him. Luckily he said I could give it to him later. I have $2 and 11 cents left from cleaning out my penny basket so I could have coffee with Mikaila a few days ago. The thing that is really driving me bonkers is I don't have a paper, and I can't find anywhere online to tell me how much the show is!! I sure hope it's less than $8.11! It looks like I need to do the Farmer's Market next weekend too, and do a little better, Ali Sperry and Betsy Huebner are doing shows at Cafe P next weekend and I'd need $7 for that...

Worms Are Amazing!

I just went to an extremely educational event hosted by the Big Green Summer interns, that was all about composting and vermicomposting - which is composting with the help of worms. Apparently little red compost worms can eat almost anything! Food scraps, straw, manure, newspaper, non-glossy junk mail paper, natural fiber cloth like cotton, silk and wool - they just munch it up little bit by little bit and turn it into stuff that's super nice for soil and plants!!! Of course it's easier/faster for them if you give them smaller bits to start out with, but oh my sheesh - if you do it right you can set it up inside your house and they'll eat it up fast enough it won't even smell! They highly encourage such practices for people in city apartments who don't have the yard space for a big compost pile.

As I was driving home I started getting really upset. This stuff makes so much sense for the sustainability of our planet, and it's not that hard really. How come it's not something they teach/establish/encourage on the level of ALL public schools?? (and while we're at it, real world relationship skills should be required curriculum too! but that's a whole different post) I mean, apparently a few schools have vermicomposting programs to deal with their cafeteria scraps, and so do some zoos (huge producers of organic waste), but it seems like there could be a HUGE market potential for people to provide/set up these services all over! Restaurants, grocery stores, offices... Not only do the worms get rid of the unwanted stuff, the by-product (worm castings) is GOOD for the environment! Seriously! What the heck?!

Sob...

I just saw Who Killed the Electric Car? and I'm really upset. Upset I never knew about the cars in the first place, upset the program was killed, upset at big business and selfish government. Upset at people who are motivated by nothing more than money and the fact that I seem to know a quite a few of them personally. Confused that they seem to be otherwise nice people. Upset at how many people don't believe that they matter, and don't realize how deeply and profoundly their choices and actions DO affect the people and the world around them. Wondering where MY blind spots are, and what I could be doing more/better. Puzzling over what seems to me a profound disconnect of being a miserable depressed heap of tears and crankiness so often on my own/at home, and yet being a cheerleader for other people around me, and being able to see how it's REALLY not that bad, and knowing all the things that could help them, that have helped me in the past... Where are those tools when I need them?

Grrr. Not feeling much hope for the world in general. I mean, great you made a movie about this solution that we could already be taking advantage of, but how many "new" people are going to watch it? Or is it all just preaching to the choir?

And I circle back again to feeling powerless. I see these things, I learn these things, I know these things, I feel these things. And yet I feel like I'm missing the step where I can transfer that understanding into logic that anyone would understand. Because I feel like these issues and ideas are just commonsense basics of life and that if people were just educated, how could they not agree? But they don't believe/trust/respect passionate emotions. And they have all these weird little factoid logic defenses that I can't compete with. How can I make a difference if people don't want to understand? If they are so selfish and defensive?

And then, who am I to think that MY point of view is the right one? How do I know that my beliefs aren't crazy, irrational or zealous?