huh

I had an interesting day yesterday.

I made a list of things I wanted to get done, and I cranked through them. I actually managed to get nearly all of them finished. My guitar lesson didn't happen because my teacher didn't show. I guess she has a new job and we hadn't checked in about changing the time. I am not too worried about rescheduling, she's good about that, it's just a matter of finding a time that works for both of us, especially with me heading out of town for a week on Saturday afternoon. But I got a ton of stuff out in the mail, one package went out to a friend with a collection of stuff that I hadn't sent to her in years, including a thank you note from our wedding, yikes!

I dropped off some little Valentine chocolates to friends, I even did some work errands, fitting in an hour and a half where i thought maybe I wouldn't get to do anything.

I even made it to the pool for 30-40 minutes or so & got about 5 minutes in at the sauna. G got me a dozen pink roses (my favorite color) and I got him a cute balloon, but we didn't really do anything else special to celebrate Valentine's day.

The one other thing I didn't get done that was on my list was get the give-away clothes out of the house. I realized at the last minute that I could have even fulfilled that list item by at least bagging them up and bringing them to the car that night, but somehow just realizing I COULD have done that, seemed to let me off the hook for doing it.

By many accounts, I did really well yesterday, I was productive, caught up on a lot of backlog stuff. For much of the day I was feeling almost high at the prospect of spring, the sun was out, the snow was melting and the birds were chattering. But somehow on my way to the pool, I found myself really, really sad. Crying. I couldn't connect it to anything specific really. I was maybe a little bummed we didn't do anything very special for Valentine's, but I definitely didn't want to go out and eat a big meal after our crazy indulgent weekend, and we're about to go on a trip together to TX, so it seemed silly to go out anywhere with that big expense coming up, so I don't know what else I really would have wanted to do. As I gently poked around my mind and body trying to figure out the why, I also had the thought, "why is it so important to know WHY this is happening? What if you were just experiencing it and could be ok with that? Just release it and let it go. Does it really matter one way or another why as long as it gets out?"

I met with my herbalist today who said that the spring is the season of the liver, and that the liver is where we store sadness, so it may just be some of that happening. Maybe so. A lot is moving these days, a lot of energy is flowing, old stuff is leaving. I've got quite the itch to DO, it feels good when I actually get to do it. That's pretty natural for spring I think. The thaw. Literal and metaphorical. Maybe that's why we always talk about the weather. It seems trivial, but it's so connected to our life experience on so many levels...

Not as hard on your heart

I want you

to stop being so hard on yourself

Would you say these things to your closest friend?

To any friend?

I didn't think so.

Would your closest friends allow you to say these things about yourself, if they knew?

Who gave you permission to be such a jerk? So cruel?

No one deserves to be so put down

No one

That doesn't mean you're getting a free pass

That you get to stop working on things

Oh no

It might even be harder

Because when you don't have the excuse of preempting the possibility of failure

Keeping you from taking action

You still have to work to get what you want

It's just the path is cleared now

So it might be less sitting around paralyzed

And more actual work

Which might, in a way, be harder

Just not on your heart

Weirdness...

So, I thought I was doing all good with money.

I paid for my song school balance.

I bought a ticket to Portland.

Then I actually sat down and looked at finances.

And I realized that I have consistently for the past few months been spending $200 over what I'm making.

Not good.

Frustrating! Especially since I really feel that I've pared it back to bare bones in terms of spending for the most part. I don't see what I could cut more than this... What it really comes down to is I need to start earning more money somehow.

I'm surviving, G is helping and we've got our tax refund which should help me catch up a little. But damn...

If I felt like I was REALLY getting a lot of good stuff done, like building up my guitar skills or writing a bunch of good songs in this "down time", then I might not feel so guilty. I'd be putting in the time to be making money later. But instead I feel like I'm running around at the whims of multiple people and things, working for way less than I am worth for the most part.

Also, if I would decide on some stuff to do or things to offer, and advertise and schedule and stick to it... If I would take the control rather than being reactionary... If, if, if.

I still don't want a full time job. I'm terrified of that. How it might make me stressed, depressed, eat, all over again. I my body and spirit can't afford that, but right now there are a lot of things I want but can't afford either. Where's the balance? How does it work?

I feel like I'm doing good work in the things that I do put my time into. But I also feel like I'm not consciously choosing where I spend my time. Combine that with procrastination and overwhelm when I do have my own time to spend and the stuff I want to do keeps getting put off. dammit.

I HAVE been clearing out a lot of crap lately. Boxes and bags of old stuff that doesn't make sense anymore. Things that were obviously just tossed in a bag before a party or before moving and were forgotten and not dealt with.

Feels so good to get rid of the crap. Lighter. Easier to breathe. More space.

Maybe with more room, I'll have more room to play?

Maybe if I sat down and focused, I COULD start bringing some money in from the stuff I am doing already?

A lot is happening, a lot is moving these days for me. Things are more intense in both good ways and in challenging ways. I feel more alive, more energy. I like those parts. But as the challenges pop up, I can also see why I slid so far back into inertia. Isolated and isolating. Less to deal with.

I used to feel sorry and above some of my former co-workers who seemed to so identify with their jobs that losing the job seemed to make them lose themselves. I was wondering today though if I might have invested just as much of my self-worth in that job as well, though perhaps in a different way.

It's kind of a big deal to be told that you don't matter, that you're just a butt to fill a seat, that you are easily replaced. You shouldn't have to take it seriously. You should know your worth and when people are BS-ing you because they are greedy and selfish. Part of me knew all that while it was happening. But I think part of me is still holding on to the idea that I need to be making a certain amount of money to be worthy and worthwhile in life.

That's the part of me that doesn't reach out and invite friends to hang out. That lets people interrupt me when I'm in the middle of a story. "I'm not a properly contributing member of society. I'm not worthy to socialize. I'm not worthy to stand up for myself. People don't want to hear what I want to say."

That part needs some help seeing some other points of view.

I'm sounding down. Some really good stuff really is happening. Just not sure if I'm ready to share just yet... But the good things happen often enough that I'm trusting the big picture more now hat things will work out eventually.

Looking Good

I've been examining things and I am semi-cautiously saying that I should be able to make it to Portland!! I've been quite good about not spending my tips the past couple of weeks and I have a good little cash stash right now, and that plus the various other little things I'm doing and have done are making me more comfortable about being able to afford this!!!!

I still have to be on the alert, and if something else unexpected comes up I will have to really scramble, but so far so good!!!

Wowzer.

hrm

So the check in with the Dr went well. She reminded me of some things I already know, and she knows I know, but I don't know why I haven't been doing them. Refined a few points. I forgot to ask some questions (which always seems to happen to me in Dr offices! I just blank!) but nothing that I came away with feeling urgent about. And my cranky mood of the few days previous really lifted after. Go figure.

.5lbs and I will hit the 25lbs lost mark. That's exciting. I'm getting back clothes I haven't worn in a few years, also exciting. I sort of got rid of a bunch of stuff in the past year that I didn't really think I'd wear again, and I'm suddenly wishing I still had. Really only a few things though. I was pretty good about evaluating if I really liked the items even when they did fit, and only hanging on to stuff I actually liked.

Still have a few ups and downs, but generally better.

Thought I was going to get a raise at one of my jobs and found out that I'm already being paid at the rate they wanted to raise me to! ha! I really thought I was getting less but it must just be the stuff they have to withhold. I'm glad they thought I was worth it, and they did say they would try to bring it up later if they can.

Did find out that the money situation at my other job is actually better than I thought and everyone involved was happy about that, so good deal there.

Bought a hip-hop exercise video to try out at home. It was $9 so I figure even if I only ever do it 3 times I will have gotten my money's worth since it's $4 to go to the gym. Tried it out the other day and had fun even though I felt a bit like a doofus and the rug was slipping around. Next time I will roll up the rug, and having done the moves once, they should be easier. And in any case I broke a sweat and enjoyed myself which are really my main personal requirements for exercise these days.

I CANNOT WAIT until it's warm and dry enough to do stuff outside like walk and bike!! The time is approaching! The snow has melted and that teeny, tiny bit of green is creeping up through the dead grass.

Did some lovely work with my mom on ancestors. Learned a lot there, and we'll do more in the coming weeks.

Repotted a bunch of houseplants and they are SO happy! New leaves already!

Brother has started putting cardboard out in the garden to keep the weeds/grass from growing up, hopefully sparing us some digging/tilling headaches. We'll need to start our seeds soon!

Realizing I need to try and sort out my summer plans pretty soon here. Funds are in serious short supply and as a caretaker I don't take leaving the person who needs my help lightly! Plus since I don't have any paid vacation, when I don't work, I'm not only spending money, I'm missing out on making it. (A neglected fact that slightly tripped us up after Peru, sigh.)

Found out today a cousin in CA is getting married in May. Have known for a while that one of my best friends from college is graduating in May in Portland, which will also be the time when the other girls (who can) from that group will gather. Best friend since grade school is getting married in August and I am IN that wedding, which beautifully dovetails both time and location-wise with my trip to Song School in CO. At least 3 if not 5 of my family are going to the CO wedding. Not sure who can afford what and how long everyone can stay, and the cabins we're suggested to rent require a 4 night minimum. And then I'm staying for an extra week after that for Song School and Folks Fest. So yes, transportation, lodging, logistics, people to cover for me while I'm gone all need to be figured out. Ay yi yi.

Have a few writing projects that I volunteered for, plus homework still to catch up on. All of it at once is kind of freaking me out and leading to procrastination. argh. Nothing new, just nerve-wracking since now it's not only me who wants the things done but others as well! eek! And some of it is to promote shows coming through, people I'm sort of sponsoring/supporting and I really want the shows to be successful! And I know I'll feel so personally responsible if they're not! wahhh.

Deep breath, time to sleep.

oh crap... daylight savings. what time is it really now? yikes. I WAS doing better with bedtime for a couple days there.

grrr

Been having a couple of down/rough days. Not sure what that's about. Wrong time for PMS. Maybe just thoroughly tired myself out from staying up waaaay too late for the past couple of weeks.

It's been 2 months since I started with the diet and I'm feeling a bit worn down on it at the moment. Hungry actually. Which just started happening in the past couple of days too. My mom suggested that it may be some specific taste I'm missing out on as a result of calorie reduction and to try out those different tastes (Sweet, Sour, Salty, Bitter, Pungent, and Astringent) to see if one seems to satisfy. Will have to experiment with that a little more in the next few days.

The weight loss has slowed down too, (which is not unexpected really, it's always the most drastic when you first start) and I am realizing what a long haul this is going to be, and the thought of that tires me out at the moment. Along with realizing that I will probably at some point have to reduce calories even further. ugh. I know it will be worth it for so many reasons, and it's VERY encouraging to have gotten such a nice jump start, but just right now I'm worn down.

Music blog and radio show seem to be ramping up a bit. That is good. (though still trying to catch up on back shows, and starting to feel a bit more pressure to be more professional or something). Job is good. Spring is coming, VERY GOOD.

Sorta caught up on a few online music lessons, progress, but still not caught up and need to not fall FARTHER behind. argh.

But for now, I have to get up early for Dr check-in tomorrow. So I am going to bed. Semi sorta early for my past few weeks. blegh.

Bits and Pieces

We were putting up plastic on the laundry room windows tonight and as part of my continuing de-clutter mission I picked up a stack of papers and went through it. Ticket stubs, newspapers from 2007, financial things, manuals, receipts from our UK trip.

I found it. The resume I used to get the "big job" all those years ago. Looking it over, I don't feel so bad or cranky that they couldn't find the copy I had given them on file anywhere for when they let us all go. I (probably, I hope I) would have started over anyway. It's charming, and I do want to hold on to it, but I've come soooo far since then. Wow.

And yet here I am, (is it two or 3 years later?) without a full time job. I am mostly ok with this. It's kind of a rotten time to be looking for a job anyway. We are mostly doing fine. I am getting by on my part time stuff. The caretaker position is going pretty well so far I think. She is happy to have me. I want to make sure I am really providing service and I feel a little lost sometimes, making it up as I go, not sure who to ask if I have questions.

I know if I wanted to go back to a big office job that 1) I'd still be further along than I was in that resume I found tonight, even if it's been a while between "real" jobs. 2) I'd have to figure out a way to make those "inactive" years look good/productive 3) As long as I stay in FF, the chances of me getting an office job based more on my reputation as opposed to a resume are extremely high.

But that's a big if, the wanting to go back to a big office job. A little one, maybe. A big one, notsomuch...

The thing that has been eating away at me is here I am, I carved out this life with time for working on music, I took out a big loan to study it, and I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week class, and I've only done the first week's work?!?! What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been really confused lately about music and the music world and my place in it. I know, I've been really confused about it in one way or another for years now, but this has been picking at me more insistently lately. It's the conflict between two big pieces of advice/schools of thought, whathaveyou that both make sense to me on their own but I can't figure how to hold them both. The "Just create - sit down at the table and do the work. You take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." concept and "If you want to be successful in music, you have to create something AMAZING. If you can't create something AMAZING, don't bother. Don't waste your time or anyone else's" idea that makes good business sense.

I know, I know. I'm allowed to make art for art's sake. I have to start somewhere before I even have a chance at being any good. But I was reading something on a musician's blog about how there is a lot of well produced crap out there, and they are thinking it's because no one is giving these DIY-ers a honest evaluation of their work... And that's just it for me. How do I know when someone is telling me the truth? And how do I take it when people don't say anything? My "jump to worst conclusion first because anything other than that will be better" reaction assumes that they aren't saying anything because they hate it/think it's dumb/don't want to hurt my feelings, which makes me afraid to ask for real feedback. Because if it's so bad they don't say anything, what is that awful thing they are not saying? eff.

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I am still waiting for that magical person who I will be able to trust is telling me the truth to tap me on the head with a gold glitter star wand and tell me I'm worthy. That the work is worth doing because it WILL pay off in the end. I don't want to be the charity case. I don't want to be the one they grudgingly let in the show/chorus/band and then freak out about at the last second and stick me in the back row.

I need a mentor/cheerleader/coach so bad right now. Someone to remind me of my strengths and guide me through the exercises I need to build up my weak parts. Someone who understands the mindf*&% of being an artist and can talk me down from the worked up froth in my brain. Someone who will help hold me accountable to doing the woodshedding. Someone who will listen, and who will ASK me the right questions to draw me out, get me excited and encouraged and hopeful.

Overdone

So... it was supposed to be 3 weeks of brunch. But the regular guy got stuck in the country he was visiting, so in total it's going to be 5 weeks! Luckily last time I split the shift, so it wasn't quite as hard. Hoping to do the same this week, or at least have someone do the cleanup part.

But coming off a weekend of double brunches, I went into a week of rehearsals/tech every night except Thurs, which I used to go up to OTM to pick up a performance dress from JCP. Which *thanktheluckystars* fit beautifully and didn't require the purchase of additional undergarments.

Shows Friday and Saturday were pretty much fun enough to make up for the hellish tech days where I remember mentioning to G at one point that I wasn't sure this was fun enough to be worth it. So glad it turned out to be super fun. Totally sold out on Sat and decided to do an encore performance on Sun night. We got about 160 people, purely through last minute word of mouth, and the show was shorter (and cheaper) because not all the artists could make it, having other things going on in their lives. I think we still put on a great show, even missing some of the big numbers. The people there really stepped up to fill in the gaps wherever they could with great energy.

But somehow after the Sunday performance, I couldn't sleep. I didn't really try. Not like I was lying in bed tossing & turning, but I frittered away a night on the internet. Slept till about noon. So I got enough sleep technically, but it wasn't good sleep. And then I was up late on Monday night too since I wasn't quite ready for sleeping due to waking up so late, but at least I got up at a decent hour today because I had my radio show. Nuts. And here I am again up pretty late. grr. I need to start writing in my journal again.

Started the caretaker job today. I think it will be good. Part time. Not too stressful or strenuous but important and useful. Going to learn a lot too I think.

I've lost 12 lbs in under a month. That's a lot in such a short time, no doubt due to the pills, although it's not uncommon for someone starting a diet to shed a lot in the first couple weeks, and they usually say a lot of that is water. 2 more lbs and I will be less than I've been in 4 or 5 years. 26 lbs and I will be at my wedding weight. I must have gained quite a lot (38 lbs?!) pretty quickly after the wedding because I remember my wedding weight and I remember my pre-diet weight but I don't really remember many of the in-between numbers. And I'd been hovering at the pre-diet weight pretty much ever since losing my full time job. So it was either pretty quick or I was totally oblivious or maybe some combo of the two. Yikes.

Yikes.

And I'm trying to remember details (I'm so bad with dates!) but I think I gained something like 50 lbs in the 3 or 4 years between finishing college and getting married. Say it was 50 in 4 years - that's 12.5 per year, or a teeny bit more than just 1 lb per month. Not something you'd really notice at that rate at first, but if you don't keep track and look for balance, all of a sudden, yeah, it adds up. Shit. Especially when you consider that thing about how women start losing muscle mass after the age of 25, and how many more calories do muscles burn just sitting down than fat does? It's a significant number - 400 a day??? I can't remember, but I get the point.

But the good news is that I didn't gain anything to speak of in the 2 years since The Job. Cutting out such a huge source of stress was hugely beneficial in that respect. This is part of what makes me hopeful that I can maintain whatever I end up getting to.

I got some birthday $ to pay a friend to help me with some cleaning/organizing. She has done a few projects that have been great - small but useful and things that I just have not gotten around to in waaaay too long. And her being here inspires me to work on stuff too - I started working on the cubby in the front entryway and got rid of a ton of stuff already! Still quite a bit more to go, and it's one of those "stuff" cupboards that is just going to fill with other stuff and will need cleaning out again in another couple of years I'm sure, but that is no reason not to clean it out as much as possible now.

It feels good to keep letting things go. It is also nice to have my friend here because I can tell her about the little things that I need to throw away but are kind of hard. Today for example, I found in the cubby a beautiful glass vase, probably handblown, that we got as a wedding present but the base broke shortly after we got it. I tried gluing it back together at least a couple of times and it just never stayed glued! So it was time to let it go. But I showed her how it was my favorite colors and explained how bummed I was that I never got to enjoy it properly before it broke. A miniscule memorial service I suppose... In any case, talking about it made it much easier to drop in the trash.

I think the physical practice of releasing the objects enforces the concept mentally and emotionally that it's ok to let emotional/energetic clutter go, that it's good to have whatever degree of "memorial service" is necessary to mourn that thing, whatever it may be, and how much lighter and relieved it feels to be done with it.

So yeah, I'm encouraged to continue, in little chunks that don't overwhelm. My friend is coming one more time tomorrow, and I asked her to come in the morning so I would get myself up! Which means that it's way, way past time for me to be in bed...

Sheesh

Well, we didn't ever get the super crazy snowstorm they had us all worried about, but it HAS been snowing off and on for a couple days now and we've got quite a few inches.

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

I have to admit, I'm just the tiniest bit disappointed it didn't happen! They really had people all freaking out and stocking up. I guess it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and it IS really cold and you DO have to be careful driving.

I managed to stay in all day until about 8:30pm when I decided I better go out for some medicine. My tummy hasn't been right since I got back from Peru - that's a whole week now! and the more natural stuff I've been trying helped a little but hasn't set it right. This stuff I got is supposed to work within two days and if it doesn't it's a bigger problem than I thought. I have a Dr. appt. on Friday for some routine stuff but if this is still going on I may ask them to switch the nature of the appt. argh. Let's just hope the medicine does the job.

I had thought I was going to drive out to Wal-Mart to get it, but as I was passing by Drugtown I saw the trees lined up against the wall and the lights still on. I wrestled with myself for a block and turned around at the next light to go back. I hadn't brought any ropes or anything to hold a tree, but I figured out that G's back seats fold down and if I got a little tree it should fit in. It did! I had to leave the hatch open about an inch but it wasn't far to drive home. The poor tree is all snowy from the past couple days and smashed to one side from leaning on the wall. I hope when we get it set up it will fluff out evenly... It's just leaning on the porch right now, but I feel very good to have it. Last year somehow I missed getting a tree and had to get out the emergency fake one and was all depressed about that, so at least we got one.

Speaking of depressed, I got an email today that the cafe where I've been making Saturday brunch since the spring is going to be closed on Saturdays until they open in their new location. What a huge bummer! It wasn't a lot of hours, but those hours were something I could rely on and they made a difference in my life, especially the tips, meager though they be. Between that and the caramel, that was my fun money - for getting coffee, for going to concerts, etc. I haven't had to go to the ATM for a long time pretty much because of that cash, and I knew that anything I was putting into the account would all go to bills. So now, no gallery, no cafe, no green light projects with our business (one we're taking payment installments for the next couple months, so that will help a tiny bit, and we have a couple waiting for someone to "pull the trigger" or "get funding approved" so who knows when that could be).

So yeah, um, this is like too big of a cosmic joke not to have a punchline, and the second December in a row (3rd if you count AS, but I WAS working for half of the month) where I find myself without work, though last year I was able to get temporary unemployment (that turned into actual unemployment). My friend sent me a couple of job listings, but the corporate business speak language made me nauseous just to read it. Dynamic team, self motivated, attention to detail, blah blah blah. URGH!!!! If I absolutely have to I could go back to a job like that for a little while, but I really can't stand to think of it.

The part time stuff was good, enough of a reliable income that I could squeak by, not so overwhelming as to get me depressed or freaked out about not having enough time. I think they'll pick the cafe back up when they move to the new location, and I did ask (again) if I could be trained on coffee so I'll have more options for hours there, so we'll see what comes of it.

The thing that most bums me out is today is the day that we could reserve our Song School slots, but with over $1000 of just basic debt owed to G from being short the past couple months, a bigass student loan for my music classes that has actually gotten BIGGER since I took it on even though I've been paying towards it for a good 6 months (STUPID INTEREST, TOTAL SCAM! grrrrr), and no foreseeable income in the near future, it just seems wrong to put $100 down on the credit card. I guess I know what I want for Christmas...

Song School starts the day after S's wedding next summer. PERFECT timing. I don't know what my work schedule would be by next August, but in an ideal world, I go out there early to help her, maybe a week, at least a few days, and then wedding Saturday, probably brunch Sunday, and then drive the 20 minutes up to to Lyons and set up camp! PERFECT. So I mean, it has to work out, and if I get the reservation as a Christmas present, then at least I'll have it and I'll have till May I think to come up with the rest of the $.

S showed me pictures of her dress today and it is SO perfect for her. Very much just embodies her. Classic, elegant, just a touch of funky. Awesome. She wants kind of like a bouquet of colors for the bridesmaids, JPC seems to have several possibilities that could work for her colorwise, though I'm not sure I want to buy a dress quite so far in advance in case I change sizes...hrmmm. I got kind of teary excited looking at all the pictures. I am just so happy for her that she's getting to have this and doing it her way. Which is how it should be for any wedding, but it's kind of a bigger deal for her because she was kind of not into the whole marriage thing for quite a while, but she did always want the white dress and the ring, and now she's got 'em!

I wrote a song tonight. Real fast and rough. Can't tell if it's any good, but part of the whole Artist's Way thing is "I take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." So just create, create, create. You have to keep working to get better, just do it. So yeah. I wrote a song. I noticed myself at the beginning wanting to say "I think I wrote a song." BS. I DID, I freaking wrote one, with chords and everything. What I mean when I say "I think I wrote a song" is, "I wrote something, but I'm afraid it's crap, so if I present it to you as a draft type of thing, maybe you'll go easy on me." If I get a good take, I might even post the video of it. We'll see.

Oh blog...

It has only been 5 days. I have missed you, and yet been relieved not to HAVE to post anything (though granted it was my own idea to participate in NaBloPoMo). So much and so little has happened during our time apart!

I've been temporarily laid off my part time gig due to lack of funding. (so has everyone else, I haven't been singled out). Due to "the economy" as they say. It should pick up in January, there's lots of promising promises being made that I believe. So I'm not worried really. Just knowing I should make ends meet in the meantime, but without the same fire under my butt that not believing would ignite.

I also have some leads on some temporary part time work to fill in the gap, but none of that has really started quite yet, so I'm floating in limbo this week, not really getting anything done at all, not even my homework, and I'm very, very far behind in that. ARGH. Been visiting and talking and planning and having meals with people, which is very good, because I'm also alone. So I guess that's not nothing.

The sink totally backed up today, made a mess of making dinner for my brother and his gf. Embarrassing, but they seemed to take it well. I prattled on a lot, a little nervous, wanting them to be happy and comfortable. I managed to ask some questions towards the end, I hope I did alright. So silly, isn't she supposed to be the one nervous to meet me? Maybe she was. They are super cute together in any case, and the food was tasty, so yeah. It was an "extra Thanksgiving" theme, because I personally did not get enough Thanksgiving, because it was a potluck and I didn't bring home any leftovers other than stuffing.

G's friends and family have been chatting with me a lot more lately, wanting updates about him in Dubai. I honestly don't know much more than they do, but I AM impressed at how well my minimal Spanish is holding up so far with them. I was worried I'd totally lose it after focussing on music stuff to the exclusion of Spanish, but so much of it is still there. Thank goodness.

It's been rattling around, several people now have told me that I should write a book (maybe a whitepaper?) about about music social marketing and/or to start a service for musicians to help them with it. The thing I haven't figured out yet, is that a huge part of it is BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS. And I can't do that for them, can I?

I mean, I guess big companies have evangelist/mouthpiece/marketing people, and if being a musician is running a small business, no reason they couldn't have someone doing that part for them, but it would be a delicate balance - how transparent would it be? Ghostwriting? Just a representative, openly doing the work/gatekeeping? Depends on the artist? Some like the social networking, some hate the idea of even turning on a computer. I have the patience to coach people through this stuff, but it's only as useful as you use it... You have to actively participate in the community to build a community. I can set up your accounts and show you around, but you oughta be the one maintaining them right?

The tricks are (and this is not necessarily the order of priority):
1. To get them to understand WHAT the tools are - explaining things (what's a widget? Twitter wha'?) from the ground up is tricky, need to find the common denominator things they DO know and build from there.
2. To get them to understand WHY the tools are useful and important (do I really have to do ANOTHER online thing?)
3. To get them over their fear/confusion/frustration with the internet/computers/technology in general (I just want to play my guitar!)

My brother suggests that I do my book with cartoons, people like comic books and they're more likely to pay attention. :-)

Writing a book is NOT ever something I thought I would ever, ever do. Books are what other people do. Books take too long to write. I want to write songs. Right? Hrm.

Happy Nutloaf (plus a lot of other food) Day!

I don't eat turkey, so calling it turkey day is kind of weird for me. Though I guess a bunch of other people DO eat turkey, so it's still a turkey day or something.

Had a nice big meal with the L family as we quite often do. B & R were back from Scotland and it was super nice to see them. Had a bit of a strange while where I felt like I was just sitting on the edge of the room and G was kind of napping next to me and it was all full of people talking and I wasn't part of any of it. But shortly after that I got up and moved a tray so I could sit next to B & A and then got to talk to them for a bit and felt more like I was part of things.

I made roasted veggies which went over really well. Seems funny to me because they are SO easy, just chop up the veggies and drizzle lots of olive oil, herbs, and some onions and garlic. But people liked 'em lots! I also made vegetarian stuffing that was barely touched since there was tons more, and some cranberry sauce that wasn't even opened since there was LOTS of that. Anyway, I like both those things so I'm sure they'll be eaten soon.

The other thing people liked that I brought were these little coconut cookies, that are also super easy to make - just sweetened flaked coconut, sugar, egg whites and chopped pistachios. I think that may have been the only dessert that was completely eaten! T didn't even get any because she was too full and by the time she wasn't, they were all gone! I made them last night because I wanted to offer something to G's soccer friends who were over and I figured I could bring the rest to Thanksgiving. :) Luckily I happened to have just the right amount of pistachios on hand to make them.

It was strange to see B & R and realize we really haven't been in touch much for the whole year and a 1/2 since we visited them and how much has happened since then! It's been nearly a year since I lost my job at AS and it's still such a big part of my story. Might be time to let it go? It WAS a rather life changing event though, and it's part of the explanation of how I got to where I am now. Interesting though, to really notice, that it was almost a year ago.

Right before Christmas, when we cleaned out the whole office, and it looked so sterile and bare. Granted, I stayed on to train people, but only for 1/2 days and only from home. I still have boxes full of crap that I brought home, sitting in my little home office, taking up space. I threw out a bunch of old notebooks last month as it was infinitely clear that I would no longer need them. Some of the stuff from the office was the little knick-knacks I'd collected over the 3 years working there, little things that brightened my day or helped me get through it. I really was pretty miserable at the end...

The worst part is when you have to sit there, when there's nothing to do. I mean, there's ALWAYS something to do I suppose, but you definitely don't have the freedom to say "ok, I've done enough for today, I'm going home." And then being so tired and drained that I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to. Such a waste.

G is heading to Dubai tomorrow, and Colombia directly after that. He'll be gone for 20 days! eeps! That's pretty long. Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself busy. It'll give me plenty of time to get used to the Prius. So strange not to need to use a key, just press a button and it's on, press a button to park it. Hard to TELL if it's on because it doesn't make any noise starting up!!

Anyhoo, I'm thankful for a year of transformation, growth and figuring out boundaries and desires, many adventures and getting to see lots of friends and make some new ones. Grateful to be building relationships with people in the music world and to recognize that it's a real and valid lifestyle, not something that's shameful or crazy. Thankful for the President Elect and all he seems to be doing already in preparation for taking office. (I read something the other day about how he's going to "green" the White House, loved that! Very thankful for my amazing and supportive G who has stood by and helped me up during all my crazy figuring out of things this year. I don't think it's quite over, but getting closer!

Little Update

Excerpt from letter to the girls

Aside from today (rainy) the weather has been absolutely perfect lately. I keep doing my best to just soak it up and enjoy while it lasts.

Our bathroom floor is finally(!!!) repaired but I have yet to clean up the dried grout powder stuff completely, and the dining room ceiling still has a big gaping hole. meh. We're having a house concert here (for Brooke Brown Saracino) at the end of the month though so that gives a nice deadline for me to clean and my mom to get things fixed, although the plastering of the ceiling might be hard because not many people in town do it and the guy she found who does is pretty booked up. If it's not done in time though we can have the concert at my mom and Jeffrey's, so it's nice to have a back up plan.

I started an online music theory class through Berklee School of Music (Boston). I've only done one week so far which is learning the notes and beats, which I already knew, but looking ahead I can see there is a lot more to learn that I don't know, or don't know well at least, so I'm hoping it will fill in some gaps in my theory knowledge. Plus I'm taking it for credit so if I decide after this that I want to keep going I put it towards a songwriting certificate or something like that. One of the big things I got out of my songwriting camp was that there ARE certain concrete things you can do to write better songs, and knowing that somehow gave me the drive to go out and learn as much as I can about it.

I've also been doing an exchange with a local songwriter - Sharon Bousquet, where I do some internet/computer work for her in exchange for guitar or songwriting coaching and it's been pretty great so far, it's only once a week but the stuff I've learned has really opened things up for me and now I just need to get better at practicing - it's like lifting weights, all the knowledge in the world won't build the muscles!

Work at 3mix.com is good but I think it will get a lot better once there is a live site with users in it up and running. Right now I'm mostly just testing things for bugs, and writing a little bit. I'm supposed to write an article for the Source about the company but I'm having the darndest freakin' time doing it. Not sure what's wrong and it's very, very frustrating!

Radio show has been going pretty awesome, interviewing a lot of cool musicians and getting more confident talking on the phone: http://kruufm.com/blog/heather

If all goes well we will be getting a scooter tomorrow morning. It seems like a good way to use the both less of the car and gas. One of the ideas at one point was to sell my car, which will likely still happen in the near future, but it's so scary to think of not having a car, especially for the winter. It also makes me really pissed because I feel like I should be able to NOT need a car and figure out how to live without one. There are plenty of people who seem to manage without, my brother being an example in this very house!! He rides his bike or walks in almost all weather, he has a trailer that he can carry groceries and his entire Farmer's Market set up in, and in the winter there's a bus for special needs people that he can take to work. It's the winter that scares me the most. It's not like we won't have ANY car, Gilberto would keep his, and I also know plenty of one car families. And I could really use the money from selling my car to help pay for the scooter or my music class. ARGH! Anyway, I guess we'll see how it goes with the scooter for a little bit before making that decision...

I Feel Like Such a Hacker...

...working from home in my little freezing corner room full of creative scraps and supplies, wearing an oversized holey old sweater and mismatched little gloves with the fingertips cut off, hair all askew, munching on toast... The only thing is I wouldn't know the first thing about actually hacking anything. Actually, it was MY computer they were trying to hack into this morning, so I can start training my replacement in FL by showing her as I go. It's kind of creepy really... They were able to get into my computer, but then the skype headset didn't really work. So tomorrow I hope it'll be all ready to go.

In other news, I am SO GLAD THE CAUCUS IS TONIGHT so I can do it and get it over with. I really think it's one of the most embarrassing and invasive things you could make a person do. Stand up so everyone can see who you're supporting. ergh. I don't know what my problem is and I hope some day I'll get over it, but at the moment I like to keep my politics private. I guess I'm just so deeply diplomatic that choosing a side is hard for me, and so worried about what others think of me that I don't want to offend or lose any friends or their respect by choosing someone they don't agree with. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if I was really clear on who I did support, but I don't know enough about any of them really, and it's not really what I want to spend my time and energy on. Just when I think I've got one figured out, something comes out that I hadn't heard before and sends me into a spin again.

But I know it's important, so I'm going to go out and do my part. We'll see what happens.

Taking Down My Pretty Blue Decorations

From my birthday last January. I liked them so much I left them up till now. One of the last things I did in the office on the day of moving out. A sad moment... :S

Queen of the Dumpster

Taking walks with the red cart to the recycling bin was a frequent occurance at work. Here is the last time. Be sure to watch to 5:30 where Laura jumps in the cart and then the dumpster for a ride!

I Made It!

(More MySpace cross posting)
Current mood: tired
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Well, there's lots I could say I'm sure, but the main thing is - I'm all moved out of the office and I don't have to go back. It was a weird day, people were weepy and saying nice things about those of us leaving and such. And bit by bit it looked less and less like the place where I spent so many hours of my life for over 3 years.

I don't know about other offices, but as an art company, and especially as the creative department, our walls and ceilings and cubicles were full of art, posters, color, balloons, lights, plants etc. So seeing it all stripped bare and white was quite bizzare. I was the last one out of our room. There's still a lot of clean-up to do, especially in some of the other rooms.

Now my living room and entry way is full of the crap I brought home, that was as far as we had the energy to bring it in. Some of it is really awesome crap, but finding the places for it... ergh.

Pretty much went from work to shopping for a present for my brother to his party to bed to Farmer's Market today. It was kind of slow but I'm still glad I did it, sold a few things that I hope people will like getting as presents.

There's a lot I should be doing today. So tired. And we're getting some freezing drizzle type stuff. Whoopdeedoo! We had a big snow dump and by now it's all melted. I heard it was supposed to snow tonight. It would be nice to have a white Christmas for the first time in a while.

Topsy Turvy

(another MySpace cross post)
So yesterday they re-routed our phone lines to the people taking over in Florida - in the middle of the day. When we were still working. After a bit of confusion (my trainee IM-ing me to ask what she should tell the Account Exec on her phone line, "Why did she call YOU already?" "She didn't, she called YOUR number and got me.") I called MY line from my cell phone to check what was going on, and rather than hearing my own desk phone ring, I hear "Oh crap!" the trainee on the other end of the line...

I go storming through the office (my trainee still on my cell asking questions and offering suggestions about what would be ideal for the phone situation) muttering things like "We're still working here!" to the first person I can find, which is our General Manager and say "They transferred our phones already!!! The Florida people don't know how to answer our calls!" and he says "Well, they're going to have to." and asks if I checked with our IT lady. I bashfully say no and ask if she's even here. (Legit question, she's been running back and forth between the office and the factory the past few weeks.) Luckily not only is she here, but the phone guy still is ("They told me to do it today!" "Yeah, for the people who ALREADY LEFT."), and we're able to get him to switch our lines back and ask him to come do it later. Apparently he doesn't work on Fridays so it'll have to be Thursday. We're like "fine, but can it be as late as possible on Thursday?" So we'll see.

And Friday the computers are coming down, so really tomorrow IS our last day of productive-ish type work, if you can call it that amidst all the packing up, cleaning and throwing out of stuff. It sucks being the last ones because we have to deal with all the little tiny leftover crap of the people who already left - paperclips and blank CD's, old files, etc. Can't just leave it there!

Today K finished packing up his office and said, "Well... uh.... I'll be working from home tomorrow, so I guess this is it... have a nice, uh... life..." It was so depressing. People almost cried at that point. I don't know what's going to happen over the next two days. I'm not sure if it'll hit me then, or later when I'm home alone and lonely. If feels like the last days of school, but without the yearbook signings.

We found a string of Christmas lights and tinsel while cleaning out some shelves. L flung it haphazardly over the cubicle, plugged it in and I said "Merry frickin' Christmas!" which struck us as particularly hilarious. J came in later and we tried to explain it to her, and she said, "Well, no offense, but I thought it was in the process of being taken down..." Pretty much.

I keep waiting for that moment when I let go of the reins and say "This isn't mine to worry or care about any more." I have flashes of it, but mostly I'm galloping full speed ahead, fists clenched tighter and tighter, praying I don't drop anything important, because Lord knows if I do it'll only be found again through sheer luck or absolute necessity...

The Saga of the Teeth

(Excerpt from a letter to the girls)

Apologies to everyone if I'm slacking in responses and also Christmas-y type stuff in general. This end of work wrap-up is taking so much out of me! Just yesterday I was on the phone crying to my mom because usually Christmas is one of my favorite times of year and this year I just don't have the energy to do everything I usually love to do. She encouraged me to look at the stuff I usually do and see if I can do a less intensive version of them or something. G said today we'd work on finally unpacking from our Thanksgiving trip so we can get a tree, I think that will help a lot.

Our last day at the office is the 21st, and I'm taking the week of Christmas off, so maybe then I'll have some time to do more, even if it's after Christmas, although I may spend a lot of time sleeping, which is what has been happening on my weekends!

I just got NINE cavities filled in 2 days!!! My friend at work encouraged me to use my dental insurance before it ran out on Dec 31st. The closest dentist to take our insurance plan is in Ottumwa. So I went in for a cleaning and found out I needed a lot of fillings. Unfortunately, they did not have any openings until January, so I asked them to put me on the list to call if there were any cancellations. Then we had an ice storm and lots of people were canceling! The big roads to get to Ottumwa were pretty clear, but people were iced into their driveways and such. So I got 3 done one day, and the the next day I went back for 3 more. They said they'd been having a lot of no-shows, so they could probably just keep going and finish up the rest if I wanted. So I spent from about 2:30 - 4:45 in the dentist chair, and had 3 sides of my mouth numbed and 6 cavities filled. argh. But at least it's done. Except I'm a little worried about my bite, when I first got home the left side was hitting before the right side. A couple days later it seems to be settling, so maybe my jaw just had to get back to normal after being cranked open for so long... If anyone has any tips for recovering from the stress of dental work, I'm all ears!

It's Here!

(Beginning is a Cross post from MySpace)

December. And the Ice and Snow. Grah.

Spent most of the day lazy, inside. Was supposed to have a vocal workshop but it got canceled due to the ice storm. Did manage to shower and dress and get out to see the final show of The Gondoliers, which was good. A bunch of the great regulars, some new greats, costumes, set, voices, band, all great. I figured out the final plot twist pretty early on, so I'm trying to decide if I'm happy i was smart enough to pick up on it, or mad because then for the whole rest of the show it seemed a little slow, like "get to the end where it all works out already!" except that then I would have missed all the awesome dancing and songs. So it's all good.

I'm also conflicted about December, because on the one hand I am so ready for this month to be over (work), and on the other hand I need a few months to get ready for it (Christmas). Usually every year I come up with some little crafty present that I make for all my family and close friends - candles, tea, jewelry, etc. And this year I'm just NOT feeling it, at all. The only thing I want to do when I'm home is sleep or waste time online.

I saw a picture of myself today, of me in my Halloween costume at work 3 years ago, in the old building, when I'd just started. 3 years and 75 lbs ago. The thing that kills me is right now I think I look pretty good in that picture, but back then I thought I was fat. I certainly wasn't skinny skinny, but I was doing pretty good. Geesh, the things a stressful desk job and getting older will do to you. Here's hoping whatever happens next in my life will include more activity and creativity, and less stress.

The thing is, I also remember that 3 years ago I was really freaked out and depressed and drifting and trying to scrape by financially, and the job really saved my life in a whole lot of big ways. I guess though, the job and the company is not the same one that I started with. I know so much more now than I did then - about marketing, the internet and social networking, about the corporate world, about myself. I guess each thing just leads to the next thing.

My next for sure thing is that I'm going to Colombia for 2 months starting in February to study Spanish. I've been wanting to get fluent in it since meeting G. There was one time in the beginning, during our crazy-romantic-whirlwind-we-barely-knew-each-other New England road trip. I don't remember exactly what it was that got him so upset, but my fuzzy impression from what, 6 years ago? was this - I think it was something about how we'd been set up in separate cots in the living room of the family J was staying with after we saw her play and I wouldn't let him come near me or something. I had somehow gotten some paranoid feeling from J about the RULES in the house and I was feeling a bit terrified and not entirely welcome and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize our place to stay so my defense was to behave and be as quiet and small as possible. Whatever it actually was, I do remember quite clearly that G got very upset and started quietly crying and ranting in Spanish. Not only that, he wouldn't translate it either, and it FREAKED ME OUT. I mean, it's one thing not to understand someone, and it's another to not even know what they are saying - at ALL. And somehow, even in that moment, and in several times in the years after that, I've had terrifying notions of my children speaking Spanish, and me not being able to understand THEM either. G's English has gotten super good, and living in the states I'm sure our kids would mostly speak English anyway, but there could still be this secret language they could flip into at any moment to leave me out if I don't learn it.

Aside from that, I think it's cool to be able to speak more than one language, and more and more Spanish is actually a practical skill to have in this country and around the world. All the internet companies are looking to tap into the Spanish speaking market, so there could really be an explosion of need for people who can speak both languages.

I'm a little nervous to be away from home for so long, but it'll be good to get out of the winter weather, and I think it'll take two months to really immerse and be forced into it. But I think I'll get it, especially since I'll be there without G to translate, I'll have to really figure it out for myself.

The two biggest things I'm struggling with about the trip are the whole food thing, and fitting in vs being myself.

Every time I've gone I've had some digestive problems. The first time was really bad and I was knocked out in bed for like 3 days. The second time wasn't too bad, towards the end and it evened out pretty quick when I got home. This last trip was so short and it only started on my last day and I think it had the potential to get bad but I think I knocked out the worst of it with a super hot bath in the hotel the night we got back. My guts are getting better but still not quite right. I'm hoping if I go shopping there I can pick out my own food and just keep it really simple and healthy for a couple months. I think there's also like probiotics or something that should help. I'll ask the ladies at Thymely Solutions.

The whole fitting in thing - there actually IS a level of safety in looking like I fit in there, as opposed to singling myself out as someone from the US. There's the full range of shapes, sizes, colors in Barranquilla, and people have definitely spoken Spanish to me expecting me to understand - at Carnaval they called us Cachacos (from the mountains) before they called us Gringos (US). We were just paler because we didn't have as much of that coastal sun. BUT, from what I could see, all the girls below the age of 35 or so keep their hair long... Which puts a crimp in my plans to go short and some crazy color. Dyeing it dark again is no problem, but length isn't something I can really add back, and it'll only grow so much in 2 months... hrmmmmm. There's also clothes - most of the girls at the university seemed to be wearing long, dark jeans. In that heat? Argh! Oh, and little strappy sandals - no can do with my orthodics. I really need to get over it and just do what I need to do to be comfortable and healthy and myself, and focus on what I'm going there for - to learn Spanish.

Oh, and maybe do a little soul-searching.

I've never really stopped and allowed myself to ask "What do you want to do/be?" Since I got out of school I've mostly focussed on earning money to pay the loans back and haven't really allowed myself to dream or explore. As work got more and more corporate I started feeling more what I DIDN'T want to do or be. Even though I see the crazy life that singer-songwriters have there is some secret part of me that STILL thinks it would be really cool to have enough skills and things to say that you could take yourself on the road and make a difference in people's lives. Fairfield can't be the ONLY town that listens... Why would these people keep touring and putting out records by their own blood, sweat and tears if they weren't getting SOMETHING out of it??

There's supposed to be a guitar class with this AMAZING guitarist starting up in April, which I'd be back for. It'd be once a week in Iowa City I think, but omg it would be so worth the drive to study with her.

At the play tonight one of the actors complimented me on my last show and said I needed to do more stuff. I told him that maybe since work was ending I'd have more time now. It's always nice to get unsolicited feedback weeks after a performance. By then they really don't have to tell you unless they were truly moved or impressed by it.

I've been listening to John Mayer's new song "Say" on repeat while writing this. It's really inspiring me like crazy - "say what you need to say" - "do it with a heart wide open". He wrote it for a movie coming out called "The Bucket List" about two older guys who start doing stuff on their lists of "Things To Do Before Kicking the Bucket". Why wait till getting as old as those guys?

Weird

Our company is being downsized and my entire department got cut. So this is why they needed someone (me) to take on the work when R left, but couldn't pay them (me) any more to do it.

All things considered, they ARE being pretty nice about it. We have 3 months to find a new job, and we can use company resources (within reason) to help find it. Some sort of workforce development is supposed to come in next week and tell us about some things that are options for us (taking classes paid for by the government or something like that... to increase our skill set and be more hireable/attractive) We're getting severance pay and a retention bonus if we actually stay for the full 3 months.

Part of me is feeling a sense of relief, we were feeling the squeeze already. It's nice to finally know what the story is, and that we don't have to deal with it for too much longer. Part of me is angry and depressed at the idea that I'm thought of as disposable and unnecessary. It's too early to be freaked out about finding a new job really, and at the moment I'm not worried. I have skillz! I'm nice! I'm smart! I learn things! Plays and works well with others! ohgodihavetoputtogetheraresumecrap.

We're all kind of walking around in a daze. So many options really, so many ways things could go. I could, for example, probably get a job at the parent company in Florida if I wanted to. But if I'm going to go to all the trouble of packing up and moving half way across the country to start over, I think I'd rather it be on the WEST coast instead of the East one. But I really DON'T want to move. I like it here. My family is here. My friends are here, or they come back here to visit often. There's plenty of cool people who I would like to spend more time with here. It's safe and comfortable, and other than work, I'm pretty happy here!! ARGH.

Something wonderful is going to happen soon. I can smell it. If you find it first, let me know ok?