Hot

It's hot and I can't sleep and it's not medicine and it's not caffeine because I didn't have either today. I think it might be a little bit heartbreak and frustration and dramatics...

Got back from song school a couple days ago and it's a lot to integrate. The contrast between the life there & the life here is so drastic, but I don't think it has to be that way if I would only DO more art/writing/practice here at home.

Plus school started for people and I can feel that grief for summer ending, the beginning of the transition into fall.

I'm looking at all the pictures people posted of the camp and getting an increasing feeling of "where was I? How come people didn't take more pictures of me?"

I feel like I flit in little interactions and then back out again when I am there, not really getting to connect deeply with anyone, not finding anyone who wants to champion me, although this year there were a couple people who did see me, ask if I wanted to play. Gosh did I ever! But only if people actually wanted to listen. I didn't want to impose.

I wonder if some people didn't recognize me from the past two years because of the weightloss? And the different hair? Not to mention I've never really been one to stand up and shout lookitme!!!

Anyway, it's better to remember the progress I did make, and resolve to shine brighter next year to maybe say lookitme but not shout it. And to use these 12 months to work on being worthy of attention.