ok. So another month goes by...

Yeah, so I don't have the time to keep this up that I'd like to, but hey, I like that it is here and I read something today about not counting the times you DON'T do things you want to do, but counting the times you DO do them.

Wedding plans are chugging along I suppose. 75 days left. jeepers creepers! That doesn't seem like much. Went up to Ottumwa yesterday to try on dresses and the people there were very sweet and flattering yet honest. Of course I found a couple of very pretty and expensive dresses. Crap-o-rooney! not in the budget. I guess the next step is to check in with dressmaking/fabricing people and see what sort of things they think they can do. The stuff I am not certain about is the beadwork that is SO pretty, and also the corset/boning stuff that is SO useful. My figure is still fairly decently proportioned, even if it's bigger than I want it to be.

I was looking at the digital pix my brother took at my cousin's wedding in LA (-ish area) today. Not only is she made of bones, I am very fat in the pictures. ugh. And I was complaining to G about how I am fat and ugly, and he tells me - "you're not ugly". But I am fat. Great. Somehow I can't manage to go into a screaming fit at him or really even be offended and hurt any longer than a few seconds really. Because I know that I AM fat, but he likes me anyway. I was doing pretty good for a while. Eating mostly salads and soups. Exercising 6 times a week. Maybe sort of lost a couple of pounds, no more than 3, but it kept fluctuating. And then I get my period and tired and depressed, and run out of salad at home and end up eating all sorts of carbs and not exercising, and back come on all the pounds I lost, plus one more. So I'm worse of than when I started, and not motivated at all, and freaked out but too tired/numb to care, and the dress didn't really look that bad on me anyway, so who cares as long as I don't gain any more. Except then I see the pictures of my fat face, and compared to the pictures on our wedding website, where I am like 20lbs lighter, and wonder - what will everyone think when they get here and see such fat hicks who can't even afford to feed them a full sit down meal? I can see why people elope...