My friend and one of my personal heroes - finishing Med school with THREE little boys - sent out an email this morning to our group of girlfriends asking for our good intentions to help her with her affirmation that she has good people to help her with childcare. Her husband is away on a long weekend for a continuing ed program and she's feeling the strain particularly at the moment. My reply ended up being a lot longer and more introspective than I thought! (also for those of you who don't know, my Colombia travel blog is back in business for the next couple of months, you'll find more posts on there: http://heatherincolombia.blogspot.com/)
Sending you big hugs and strength and of course I will add that to my intentions for you. I do so wish I could be there but I also know this time in Colombia is valuable and healing, and it's really quite amazing to recognize just how much the last year of work took out of me. I know you probably don't FEEL like an inspiration, but please do know that you ARE, just by being exactly you, right now, as is. And I really do trust in the universe to take care of you and your beautiful family in one way or another, because you are all such good, deserving beings.
I realize now that part of the reason I was so eager to have a baby last year is I was looking for a way out of that job that didn't require me saying for myself, "I give up on this, it's not good for me anymore and I know there is something better for me out there." Because it WAS a fabulous job up until the company was bought out, and I did so love working with my friends every day until the end. It's also scary for me to claim things for myself, and easier to just take what life throws at me. I'm really good at being resourceful and fairly terrified to even try and consider what I might want if given the opportunity to choose for myself, let alone actually ask for it! Chances are, if I HAD gotten pregnant I would have still felt I had to continue with the job anyway, and would have just been the same stressed out AND pregnant. Well, I got my wish for a way out, and a chance to be more conscious about my choices.
I still do want to have a baby, and I know it's easier on the body the younger I am, but let's face it, my body isn't in the greatest shape right now, and it would probably be better for me to get a little healthier first. And I wouldn't be able to be in Colombia if I had a little one, and I do so want to know Spanish for that little one so he or she can speak with the other half of their family, and so I can both understand and participate in that conversation. So it comes back to that trust that everything is unfolding in the way it's meant to unfold.
Being here is very interesting, observing the cultural differences. These people know how to relax, they know how to play. They seem pretty comfortable with just hanging out doing nothing much. For the first few days I just slept, rested, and settled in. Sometime around a week I had the thought, "Wow, I'm so lazy, I should get a job! I need to be doing something productive!" and then I stopped and thought, "What if you just honored this time out you are taking to rest and learn for yourself? In the scope of a life 2 months isn't all that long, and it could provide you with a whole lot of strength to be productive later on."
I've also lately been reminded about something Ani DiFranco said on the bootleg album I have (Boston 11.10.06), about how she's been learning so much from the people of her new home city New Orleans. She calls it the "white person's disease" where she thinks "oh, my life is so hard, I'm so sad," etc, and meanwhile the people of New Orleans know how to transcend and write some happy, happy music. And I notice that phenomenon here, and in G. I think when how hard life could really be is so close in your face, you recognize and value what you have, and can be happy with simple things. And it scares and saddens me a little when I see those American ways of thinking creeping into the city along with the American conveniences that really do improve lives.
I wonder what it would be like to fully extract myself from that manufactured cycle that capitalism/marketing created to convince people that they lack, and will be happy if they have more? What would it be like to create and acquire things out of true need or pure joy, rather than fear and discontent?
Wow, deep thoughts for a Saturday afternoon, and inspired from a simple reaching out... I guess I never know what's in there needing to come out! Possibly also because I haven't been able to express myself much here yet, it is a little lonely.
My official classes at the University start on Monday, that'll probably be a whole other ball of wax.
I love you all so much and I'm filled with such gratitude to have each and every one of you in my life!
Once again, wishing you lots of strength and lots of help!
With a Full Heart,
Hum
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