Manifesting Money!!

So, my work situation is pretty good right now. I am covering the basics, I'm pretty happy with the amount of time I have available to do other things, I'm learning and growing, I don't really feel a pinch in terms of wanting things that money can buy on a day to day basis.

I am however, looking for ways to manifest cash for travel. My college friends, who I have managed to see pretty much every year since college, are getting together on the West Coast to celebrate the graduation of one of us in late May. 5 of them live on the West Coast already, 4 of them within 3-5 hours or so of each other. So the 5 are going to be there, and I'd like to join them. In my initial estimates, between travel expenses and to make up for the days of work I would miss, it would be about $500. That's like an extra $100 per week from now until the trip...

The other thing I need to pay in a big chunk is the remainder of my Song School tuition, which I think is also coming up in May. I think that's $350.

Then by August I need to figure out how I'm getting to Colorado for Song School and the wedding, and I'm also going to need to buy a bridesmaid's dress. (I'm shrinking so quickly these days I want to wait till as close to the date as possible for the dress) But let's say between either driving or flying or train it's about $250 for travel, and I would hope somewhere between $60 & $100 for a dress. Oh and shoes. crap... another $20 or so???

So yes. Somewhere in the range of $1,180 - $1,220 for travel between May and August.

I am open to ideas.

But before you start offering them though, let me mention a few things.

Credit Card. Technically, I COULD put it on a credit card, I have enough room for that (especially since it wouldn't be all at once). But I already have a balance that I'm working on paying off within 11 months of when I made the balance transfer. I also have a student loan payment due each month for my music courses. This is part of why I don't have a lot extra to work with. So yeah, I could put it there, but I don't know how or when I'd be able to pay it back. Ditto goes for any sort of a personal loan. I don't want to ADD to my debts, especially not right now.

Selling crafty things at the Farmer's Market (or in local stores, or online). Lots of people jump to this when I mention I need to make some more money. It's a good idea, and I'm flattered they think of/remember me as crafty and my stuff being good to sell, but in all honesty it takes quite a lot of time/effort for not much cash in return. So when I'm doing it for fun and I am just getting joy out of making the stuff and I have all this extra I don't need, and if I happen to get some cash for it, then great! But when I'm actually in it for money and depending/hoping to get a certain amount, I usually end up disappointed.

When I was able to do the Farmer's Market regularly, I never made more than about $20 or $25 TOPS in a week. And really, in this economy, people (understandably!) go for food items first. Crafts & jewelry are not high priority.

Plus Farmer's Market is on Saturday when I work at the Cafe, and I KNOW I'll get a reliable amount for working there. It's not a gamble of "Will I make my table money back today?" All that said, when Farmer's Market starts, I may see about sending a small set up with my bro and give him a commission or something... Every dollar does count!

Selling Used Stuff. I don't really think I have anything to sell on craigslist or ebay. I've been living on a low income for several years now, so I don't have a whole lot of extra things just lying around. Usually when I buy something big it's carefully saved for and used until it wears out. But I will keep thinking on that one.

So yeah, it would probably be more effective/efficient to try and teach another improv class to kids or do a performance, especially when I'm trying to come up with hundreds of dollars in a short period of time. Both of those would take prep time and advertising. Technically I have written an hour's worth of songs, but I don't remember how to play all of them, and even if I did, I don't know if they are strong enough to entertain for a whole show by myself.

I have one young guitar student. I could take a couple more of those if anyone was interested. It's not something I have advertised because I partly don't feel qualified for it. Seriously though, if it's just the basics and getting started learning chords, I'm probably a good teacher for that because it's not like uberly boring for me and I have a lot of patience and compassion for people starting out.

There is also an opportunity to write some articles for a local blog, which I have started doing, but I'm not sure if I can crank out enough of them fast enough to make the cash by the first trip in May, and even if I could, I don't know that they have the budget for that many in so short a time. Still, I will work on those.

With the awareness of what a difference it could make, I can be a bit more strict with myself about not spending my tips. I usually use them for things like coffee and lunches out during the week, but I won't feel pinched about giving those things up if I know I'm saving for something so totally worth it. That's between $10 & $20 per week if I'm really lucky, and if I don't spend any of it!

Finally, I am also totally open to receiving unconventional ways of achieving my travel desires. I am pretty inspired by the way I was really clear that I wanted to go to the Ingrid Michaelson concert at a price I could afford, and the next thing I know I saw an offer of two free tickets through someone I follow on Twitter, on the day of the concert! So miraculous things do happen!

And I am already arranging my schedule as if I was going to Portland - I had someone looking for a house concert and I set them up to do it with another lady in town who had expressed interest in being a host only a week or so before. (I'll still help promote, whether I can go or not!) I haven't scheduled an interview for the Tuesday after, just in case.

Anyway, I have the strong desire and the motivation and a good feeling about this. Now to make it happen!

(cue the doot duh-duh DOO ---- CHARGE! trumpets!)

Let Go

This has been my theme song in the past few days.

I'm trying to get rid of things.

Just a little bit at a time. My mom does a thing where she tries to get rid of 3 things per day - trash, recycle, donate, whatever, just getting them out of her way. I'm not doing that exactly, but I am trying to pick little things.

So far it has been clothes. I've been holding on to so many clothing items hoping to fit them again, or because I feel like I don't have enough clothes and just having more available, even if I never wear them, is a security blanket. Like what if all the washers in the world broke and I needed something clean but that didn't fit right?! :P Some stuff I have has NEVER fit right, no matter what size I was/am. That's a little easier because I just have to remember how I felt uncomfortable wearing it, and out it goes. What is hard if it's something I actually really liked, something that was really cute. Especially now that I am on this weight loss program, and it's not totally insane to think that I might really be that size again someday. But even then, I'm trying to be more selective about what I keep. Some things I hold in my hand and look at it, and the little voice creeps in and says "let go, let go." and I throw it semi-reluctantly on the pile.

That was something today, the red shirt. I am still thinking about it. It's already dropped off at the secondhand shop, but it's lingering just a little. My friend gave it to me. It didn't quite fit her. Red. Baseball jersey style of sleeves, but didn't look like a jersey. Really cute on. Good style for me. But the "let go, let go" rang loud in my head. I told myself I could let the clothes sit in a pile on the stairwell for a while, like I'd done with the previous pile I'd made on a first pass through. But I walked by them and again "Let go, let go". So they came with me to the car in a bag.

I went to the pool, did my swimming, pushed myself to do 40 minutes instead of 30, hot tub after. Had a burrito out. Got home, realized the bag of clothes was still on my passenger seat. Should I drop them off later? Tomorrow maybe? I was already home. "Let go, let go." I shifted into reverse and drove to the secondhand shop. "Let go, let go" all the way from my car in the parking lot to the drop box. Goodbye super cute red shirt, blue jeans that were always too big, khaki jeans I never ever liked, grey long sleeve t that was boring and a tiny bit itchy (fraction of % polyester?).

I'm hoping this writing lets the red shirt go for good now. Maybe not, but it's out of my life, and I hope it looks really cute on the next person.

I think one of my next projects for clutter-busting is the cubby in the front entry. You wouldn't know it's a mess from the outside, but it's full of crap I haven't looked at in years, so how much could I need it? And it might be a nice break from the closet... and everything I get rid of really is a weight off. It's a good idea to do little bits at a time, that way it's never too overwhelming. Aha, maybe one shelf in the cubby per day??

Release and abundance working already. I can release all this stuff because I am trusting there is an abundance of what I need available to me when I need it.

So far no bad side effects from the pills. They definitely suppress appetite, which makes it much easier to cope with the reduced calorie intake. The first weeks are the hardest, getting used to eating less, so they are taking the edge off that hard part. I am so in love with my app food/exercise journal thing. It makes it fun to look up the foods, and easier too. Makes it more of a game. For example at the burrito place I was putting in the items and realized that the lemonade I had gotten was a whopping 300 calories, which would have left me with next to nothing for dinner, but I WAS thirsty and I did want it, so I just drank half of it. And then I'm going to be able to print out a spreadsheet to take to the Dr next month from the website! The app sends the info to your account there. Sweet.

Speaking of the Dr, I had to call the office to see if they had sent my physical form in for my potential job yet. They hadn't. She had a question but figured it out while I was on the phone, and promised to send it a few minutes after she hung up. I bet if I hadn't called it wouldn't have gotten done today. Sigh.

OK though, speaking of clothes I DO need, I need something to wear for the concert in two weeks. The other girls I'm working with started talking about it. I really have nothing besides the red dress, which isn't the color they are going for, and I wore that at the last concert. There are several other dresses from the same site that might work, and on sale for $30. If I got one in black, that might last a while, for other things. And if it didn't, well, I don't think I'll find any other outfit or be able to make something for that much. And I really don't think I have anything appropriate, nor do I know anyone the right size for borrowing. Hrm...

Learning, learning, learning

So. Saturday. I think it went pretty well. I ended up singing with someone who was already in the show and already knew and loved the song. He's much more experienced than I am with guitar so it was nice to have him play and just be able to focus on the vocals and projecting. He was doing a different version of the song, so I'm not sure exactly how it fit together when we sang the same last verse, I tried to follow him, but we only had an hour or so to work on it a few hours before the show. In any case, the producers liked it, and I felt strong and confident in what it was, I totally had fun and let go of it being any more than we had time to do in the time we had.

The emcee totally dissed the song before we came on, saying he wondered why it was in the show at all and then found out backstage just before coming on that it had also been covered by someone famous/cool, so maybe he was ok with it now or somthing. It was weird. Especially since it was ON the list of possible songs to sing sent out by the producer, not just something I came up with! It was good to get feedback from people later about various things because it helped me see a little more objectively which parts were coming down to a matter of taste, and that maybe next time I can be a little more confident in my opinions, in saying, "That's nice, but this is the way *I* want this to happen", sort of a thing. If there is a next time. I'm soooo glad I did it, but not sure if that is the arena for me to pursue... We'll see. I felt really comfortable up there, natural. I wasn't nervous afterward. I did get good feedback from a bunch of people, even after the night, which I always consider to be the true test. If they see you later and say something, when you didn't even know if they were there or not, that means they didn't HAVE to say it so you know it's genuine.

I did my warm-up routine that afternoon before rehearsing, I think that is part of what helped. Also that the sound guy told me as we were prepping - "just get right up on the mic, don't be afraid!" somehow that snapped something in me (in a good way!) and I just went for it.

Also, surprise, surprise (not really!), turns out I was PMSing on Christmas Eve, so yeah, it was a crummy situation, but that helped me feel like I was not a true, terrible basket case/lost cause (just a temporary one) and that I might in fact be able to handle more of this kind of stuff than I thought - on good days at least. It seems unfair that the PMS so often turns up as me questioning my whole right to exist and be happy and follow my dreams. Rotten sabotager!!

Got to hang out with J while she did a few errands/appointments in IC yesterday. Nice to reconnect, nice to talk about art/acting/singing and fears and insecurities and hopes and see how much it's the same and also how much I've moved ahead by working through The Artist's Way. Also goes to show it doesn't really matter where you live as an artist. The same drama and headtrips, internal and external, happen in small towns and big cities alike.

The last couple weeks have also been just showing me how effective the tools I have are, IF I USE THEM. The journaling, the singing warm up. They work. It's all simple, useful, much less drama, I have them already! Not hard! The thing that's in my way is my head and more and more often I'm seeing that and just tired of it. So good. Progress. Sheesh.

I wrote a screenplay over the past couple of days and submitted it to a local contest. It's super short format, I may have even made it too long. Two pages over the "minute per page" rule, but it's hard to tell how long it would be when acted out. I hope it still qualifies. Hard to know. I have no idea if it's any good. Maybe it's stupid. But I freaking wrote a screenplay! Are you kidding me??? Who am I?

Part of me says I'm dinking around, distracting myself from songwriting, thinking that maybe screenwriting is easier only because I haven't done it before and don't know all the things I need to know, being too naive. Part of me says "You're a writer. There are many formats available for storytelling and for this story you chose a screenplay."

It's a simple little thing. Not much happens. I wonder if there's even enough time for all the action AND the dialogue to happen in the allotted time. But part of me is hoping that the simple is beautiful, that it's a little snapshot of "Oh, I recognize a little bit of me there, I don't feel so alone." Not world changing or funny or gimmicky, no twist at the end really. It might not be enough for the contest judges, but I feel good to have done it. I'm not attached.

I'll know by the middle of next month if anything comes of it with this contest, if not, maybe I'll post it somewhere. Dunno...

Anyway, been really terrible about sleep lately, gonna try to bump it up by a little tonight, maybe a half hour per night and get back in the swing of things. Silly holidays throwing everything all out of wack. Or me allowing that as an excuse at least... hrmph.

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Fired Up and Freaked Out

Thought I was going to get to Cafe Paradiso too late today, but of course it happened exactly as it should have!

Hung out most of the morning online, T called and was super glad to catch up with her finally, one of the people on my list to call for a while now! Always good to catch up. Then I got dressed and went to Cafe P and ran into E and T who said that Ellis and Terri (oh, that's funny, they both have the same initials!) were coming over shortly and I could sit with them. J was there waiting for J (doh!) and got to catch up with him for a bit - he'd just had Thanksgiving with his fam in Disneyworld. Awesome. Then Terri and Ellis showed up and it was fun to just be part of the conversation with them.

I feel pretty at ease with them, I think they both do a good job of asking questions, they are genuinely interested in what you think about things or what your experiences are. It's not necessarily that I'd expect them to keep in touch with me all the time or something, but that in the times that I DO ever hang out with them, they are going to be really present and interested in that moment, which is pretty cool.

Sometimes when I hang out with the musicians who just performed I feel so much in awe that I'm kind of dumbstruck and just end up saying next to nothing. And when I think about it - from a skill level I normally would be dumbstruck by someone like Ellis, and I am a little, but it's so so much less than with most others. Nice.

Heard that Terri REALLY likes caramel, and Steve was trying to figure out how we could get some to her, but they were running low on theirs at the cafe. I dashed home before the workshop and got some I had from one time that I'd made a little extra. Unfortunately it had a few little crystalized bits, but it still tasted good, so I just told her that it wasn't at it's idea state but she could get the idea. Hope she likes it. :-S eeps. It really is tasty, and I made a bunch more tonight, but I didn't have any to give them before they left.

Workshop was really good. I thought I wasn't really ready for their stuff at Song School, and I'm not totally, but some of the stuff like goal setting is really useful for RIGHT NOW, so yay.

HL was at the workshop too and she was asking if I'd eaten yet and I said she was welcome to come to my house because I had all this food that I wasn't likely to cook unless it was for someone else. On our way out S was driving by, they had to go look at a keyboard for the band, so they did that and then came over, which was great because it gave me a chance to give the kitchen a once over. It had been super disaster from Thanksgiving, and I'd been hoping to have my brother and his GF over sometime this week to get my rear in gear, but now I'll just be able start from a good place already! It was also really good because I needed to make the caramel, so I was able to get everything cleaned up for that and get it going right after they left. Made a stir fry with my hacked ginger soy type sauce and rice noodles and we ate it all up. Felt good to feed some friends and get to talk and hang out and review some of what we'd learned in the workshop.

Actually played some songs tonight after they left, that felt good too. Had been hit by a big wave of loneliness and acute awareness that G was NOT home and VERY far away and had the thought that maybe playing some would make me feel better and it did! Yay! Now I just need to get more specific on some of those goals!

Well, look at that, I made it through NaBloPoMo! Something for every day. Honestly it was more like I wrote something very early, in the first hours of every day, but I back-dated most of them so it would be to the day I experienced before going to bed. But either way it turns out that I wrote something every single day. That feels really good. Feels like it sped by too! Not sure how much I'll keep it up for the next months. I have a new class starting in January for Lyric Writing and part of that will be writing something everyday for class, so I'm not sure how much time I'll have for blogging here. But I hope it'll be more frequent than lately (as in before November) because this had been very productive in terms of taking time to think things out FOR ME. So easy to get caught up in doing things for other people, or just going through life on auto pilot. It's good to stop and reflect more often.

When You Look Good, You Feel Good

That's what the message on Meredith Hirsch's phone says when you call for a haircut. It's this guy with a great British accent (except I think maybe it's actually a New Zealand accent, but anyway...)

And it's freakin' true! I didn't do anything drastic, just got the ends trimmed up and most importantly my bangs! They get to that point where they get long and drive me nuts falling in my eyes and I can't seem to do anything with them. She said I can come in for just a bang trim between cuts, and maybe I'll be able to do that more easily now that I work down the hall.

Also got my eyebrows waxed. It's so much better when someone does it for you. None of the psyching myself up 20 times for peeling it off. Pretty quick and painless. And then it looks lovely! Subtle to most people I think, if they even notice it at all, but a whole world of difference to me.

I'd been feeling kind of shaggy for a while, but it's been sort of a money/schedule thing. Plus being married to someone who tells me I'm pretty even when I feel completely wrecked, and working in an office full of guys and I don't really feel the pressure to look fabulous. Kind of sad really. And funny.

Being around girls in the office at AS definitely kept my standards up. There are some girls who are always super fashionable and therefore exhausting to try and keep up with, but at AS no one was terribly rich so we all worked our own styles but we were all at about a Target price point that was comfortable but fun.

But now, at least for a while, I'll be able to ride the haircut and feel good about myself for that.

Getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like I have so much knowhow or at least ideas of the business/marketing side of music, but no product (as in solid songs) to test them out on. Oh sure, I've written plenty of songs, but I don't feel confident about hardly any of them. I told Sharon my goal was to build up a solid half hour set that I felt really good about and could always have in my back pocket for things like the feature at the open mic, or playing at the ArtWalk, or opening for someone. Or like today when we stopped by the new Cafe Paradiso branch at Everybody's and Meret mentioned I could probably play a set if I wanted tomorrow or Saturday during their grand opening, and I said I didn't think I had 20 minutes worth of anything solid. And I've made this goal for myself weeks ago and I have ONE song that I feel good about so far?!!?

What stops me from practicing? Is it the fear that if I actually get good enough I'll have no excuse not to go out and play? And then what if I fall on my face then? It'll be because of my songs, people not liking them. But there I go taking it so personally. It's hard, because the songs ARE so personal, so from the heart. But more and more I'm realizing that it's also about putting on a show, taking that step back from being attached to something and giving it a proper showcase.

It's the difference between taking some snapshots and posting them online, and putting a frame on a printed out picture and hanging it on a wall. It's not that the printed out picture has to lose any of the raw emotion you captured when you took it, but giving it a frame and a place on a wall is adding a level of deliberateness that says "Here, look at this, I care about it. It meant enough to me that I think it might be worth your time and attention too, so I'm going to make that experience of looking at it as easy and pleasant as possible for you as I know how."

It's being less attached to how people are going to interpret it and more attached to delivering it to them the best way I know how. Like cooking a meal for someone - I can do my best to not undercook, overcook or burn it, I can use the best ingredients I can afford, I can even arrange it on the plate to look beautiful and place it in front of them. But I can't chew it for them (thanks Ron Browning for that analogy!). Nor can I control if their taste buds are more predisposed to prefer salty or sweet flavors. And if they need to add a little salt to make their eating experience more enjoyable, it's not a personal attack on me or my cooking.

So yes, I'm learning about taking a step back, about detaching the little hooks but still keeping it fresh and honest. But I still need to practice. To work on the craft, to woodshed. But it's this damn internet that eats up my time. I need to find a way to balance that out.

What the hey...

I noticed that NaBloPoMo has rolled around again. That'd be National Blog Posting Month, where you're supposed to post something every single day in November. Well, I already missed yesterday, but I thought I might give it a whirl this year and see how far I make it through the month.

It's been a long time since I really wrote a post on this blog, at least the kind I remember writing when I started, but that's not to say I haven't been thinking up posts in my head. That's a problem I think I have with a lot of areas of life, actually taking the time to translate things out of my head and into reality. I get frustrated with how long it takes, and how it's often not as cool as when it was in my head.

But there's another thing I've been realizing/remembering a lot lately too, kind of headsmackingly obvious but it's come into focus for me lately - if you want to get good at something, you have to do it. Practice. A lot. I forget because I have certain skills that I take for granted. "I can type pretty fast! I can remember where all the letters and numbers are on the keyboard without looking! How come I can't play guitar?" But I remembered recently that when I was learning to type, it took me a while. And my parents got me a game - Mario Teaches Typing. The game made it fun but I had to play it a lot to get good.

Oh my sheesh, I LOVE YouTube! Here's a short video of the gameplay. But was the sound really that annoying? ergh. You'll get the idea without sound if you turn your speakers off:


Same thing goes for writing songs. "I wrote tons of songs in just 6 months of college! How come I only get a couple a year now?" Uh, maybe because it was my assignment in music class to write a melody EVERY DAY. And if I did a chorus melody one day and a verse melody the next day, the rest of the song is bound to come out pretty quickly. duh. And even if they're not all good, when you're writing at that volume, there's bound to be some keepers.

So I think that's part of my reason for wanting to try this NaBloPoMo thing out - just to write something every day, with a definite end in site so it doesn't seem too daunting - with the hopes that by writing frequently on the blog, I'll get those writing juices flowing in general. My other goal being to try and keep the posts at short, easily digestible sizes, for the sanity of both me and any of my possible readers. I know there are a couple of you out there! We'll see how it goes though, the temptation is to try and update this with everything that goes on, and just write till my head is empty, but that doesn't seem very practical.

True Need or Pure Joy

My friend and one of my personal heroes - finishing Med school with THREE little boys - sent out an email this morning to our group of girlfriends asking for our good intentions to help her with her affirmation that she has good people to help her with childcare. Her husband is away on a long weekend for a continuing ed program and she's feeling the strain particularly at the moment. My reply ended up being a lot longer and more introspective than I thought! (also for those of you who don't know, my Colombia travel blog is back in business for the next couple of months, you'll find more posts on there: http://heatherincolombia.blogspot.com/)

Sending you big hugs and strength and of course I will add that to my intentions for you. I do so wish I could be there but I also know this time in Colombia is valuable and healing, and it's really quite amazing to recognize just how much the last year of work took out of me. I know you probably don't FEEL like an inspiration, but please do know that you ARE, just by being exactly you, right now, as is. And I really do trust in the universe to take care of you and your beautiful family in one way or another, because you are all such good, deserving beings.

I realize now that part of the reason I was so eager to have a baby last year is I was looking for a way out of that job that didn't require me saying for myself, "I give up on this, it's not good for me anymore and I know there is something better for me out there." Because it WAS a fabulous job up until the company was bought out, and I did so love working with my friends every day until the end. It's also scary for me to claim things for myself, and easier to just take what life throws at me. I'm really good at being resourceful and fairly terrified to even try and consider what I might want if given the opportunity to choose for myself, let alone actually ask for it! Chances are, if I HAD gotten pregnant I would have still felt I had to continue with the job anyway, and would have just been the same stressed out AND pregnant. Well, I got my wish for a way out, and a chance to be more conscious about my choices.

I still do want to have a baby, and I know it's easier on the body the younger I am, but let's face it, my body isn't in the greatest shape right now, and it would probably be better for me to get a little healthier first. And I wouldn't be able to be in Colombia if I had a little one, and I do so want to know Spanish for that little one so he or she can speak with the other half of their family, and so I can both understand and participate in that conversation. So it comes back to that trust that everything is unfolding in the way it's meant to unfold.

Being here is very interesting, observing the cultural differences. These people know how to relax, they know how to play. They seem pretty comfortable with just hanging out doing nothing much. For the first few days I just slept, rested, and settled in. Sometime around a week I had the thought, "Wow, I'm so lazy, I should get a job! I need to be doing something productive!" and then I stopped and thought, "What if you just honored this time out you are taking to rest and learn for yourself? In the scope of a life 2 months isn't all that long, and it could provide you with a whole lot of strength to be productive later on."

I've also lately been reminded about something Ani DiFranco said on the bootleg album I have (Boston 11.10.06), about how she's been learning so much from the people of her new home city New Orleans. She calls it the "white person's disease" where she thinks "oh, my life is so hard, I'm so sad," etc, and meanwhile the people of New Orleans know how to transcend and write some happy, happy music. And I notice that phenomenon here, and in G. I think when how hard life could really be is so close in your face, you recognize and value what you have, and can be happy with simple things. And it scares and saddens me a little when I see those American ways of thinking creeping into the city along with the American conveniences that really do improve lives.

I wonder what it would be like to fully extract myself from that manufactured cycle that capitalism/marketing created to convince people that they lack, and will be happy if they have more? What would it be like to create and acquire things out of true need or pure joy, rather than fear and discontent?

Wow, deep thoughts for a Saturday afternoon, and inspired from a simple reaching out... I guess I never know what's in there needing to come out! Possibly also because I haven't been able to express myself much here yet, it is a little lonely.

My official classes at the University start on Monday, that'll probably be a whole other ball of wax.

I love you all so much and I'm filled with such gratitude to have each and every one of you in my life!

Once again, wishing you lots of strength and lots of help!

With a Full Heart,
Hum

Five Big Things I Learned in 2007

Priscilla Ahn recently posted a MySpace blog announcing her new album coming out in 2008, and also listing her top 5 things she learned this year. She asked her readers to post their things as well, and I decided to take her up on it. Here was my comment:

Yay! New album! Yay! Cheese! Yay! Personal insights!

Wow, I don't know if I can come up with the top 5 things I've learned this year on the spot like this...

5) Thinking too much about individual notes makes them harder to play

4) Sometimes it's more important to stick up for myself than to stick with a crummy job for the money

3) Fancy lighting and special effects go a long way in making people look good

2) Creative stuff doesn't have to be perfect before you share it - people like it anyway

1) You never know who is looking up to you for inspiration


Hey, that was kind of cool! Thanks for making me think about that.

Happy New Year!

I was actually pretty happy I took the time to think that over. I'm not sure if that's really the TOP 5 things I learned this year, or if it's even in order of most important, but those were definitely things that stood out in my mind in the amount of time I spent thinking it over.

In other news I made a tasty curry tonight. I did not have many of the ingredients the recipe called for, the one among them I was most uncertain of was coconut milk, but I mixed milk with shredded coconut to make, well, coconut milk... I don't know what it was supposed to taste like, but It was yummy anyway!