Counting Your Blessings

Back when it was really rough at work I was reminded of a nice little thing to do where you write down at least 10 good things that happen everyday. Big or small, and it could be the same good thing more than once on different days - (Like I had "L made me tea" several days, because it always made me happy!) but just always at least 10 things.

Now I've got scientific evidence I was on the right track! Thanks Missy!

I probably need to start doing it again. I've been rather confused lately, my heart and my head going in all sorts of directions, and very rarely in accord. My couple of work options aren't going to be anything steady for a while, so I applied for unemployment to help me through the next couple of months.

The thing is, I think the thing I really want to do is write and perform songs. But that brings up all sorts of doubts and fears and self-critiques. Not to mention it's not really a job you can apply to with a resume!

I went to a concert tonight - Truckstop Souvenir and The Starlings. The music was BEAUTIFUL, but the evening only really tore me up the more. Both of the bands talked about how hard it was to make a living as singers, about the times they felt like giving up and how it seemed like no one was listening (and how Fairfield's attentive audience was an exception to the rule.) And yet they both had songs about how they just had to keep singing because the songs kept coming through. And Tom mentioned a time back in Seattle when Dennis had told him how he owed it to the world to keep singing, and Tom said he thought that was right, that we all owed it to the world to do what makes us happy. If I hadn't wanted to hear every note I very well might have ran out to the car and bawled at that, and as it was a few tears managed to escape my eyes.

The thing that freaks me out and makes me kick myself all the time is - if I say I want this so badly, how come I don't practice more? Of course I want to get all fancy and sophisticated and finger-picking good, but at the moment I sometimes can't even get through just my simple songs from 8 years ago (sheesh, has it been that long?!) in a smooth and confident way. Which if i could get through all my stuff, I probably have enough for a full show. So what gives? Is it some fear demon thinking that if I actually practiced I'd have no excuse not to play? Because if I do start playing out, people are going to start judging, and can I take that? It's what I'll have to take if this is what I want to do...

And then there's the whole "If you have to ask, the answer is no." thing about being an artist, which I think isn't quite fair. On the one hand, no I don't have to ask, I AM an artist, and I know that. But then the voices creep in, "well sure, you're an artist, but just a backyard, small town one. Not a real, legit, people will pay you for it one." And I keep waiting for a mentor or someone to "discover" me, and give me permission to have this dream, and support and push me in it. And think that since it hasn't happened yet that means surely I'm not good enough. Just good enough for parents and friends to say nice things, but not enough to make complete strangers happy and transformed. And it's a slippery slope down into the self critiques. OK, I definitely need to do the 10 things again, but I think even more important at the moment is sleep!