Sheesh

Well, we didn't ever get the super crazy snowstorm they had us all worried about, but it HAS been snowing off and on for a couple days now and we've got quite a few inches.

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

I have to admit, I'm just the tiniest bit disappointed it didn't happen! They really had people all freaking out and stocking up. I guess it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and it IS really cold and you DO have to be careful driving.

I managed to stay in all day until about 8:30pm when I decided I better go out for some medicine. My tummy hasn't been right since I got back from Peru - that's a whole week now! and the more natural stuff I've been trying helped a little but hasn't set it right. This stuff I got is supposed to work within two days and if it doesn't it's a bigger problem than I thought. I have a Dr. appt. on Friday for some routine stuff but if this is still going on I may ask them to switch the nature of the appt. argh. Let's just hope the medicine does the job.

I had thought I was going to drive out to Wal-Mart to get it, but as I was passing by Drugtown I saw the trees lined up against the wall and the lights still on. I wrestled with myself for a block and turned around at the next light to go back. I hadn't brought any ropes or anything to hold a tree, but I figured out that G's back seats fold down and if I got a little tree it should fit in. It did! I had to leave the hatch open about an inch but it wasn't far to drive home. The poor tree is all snowy from the past couple days and smashed to one side from leaning on the wall. I hope when we get it set up it will fluff out evenly... It's just leaning on the porch right now, but I feel very good to have it. Last year somehow I missed getting a tree and had to get out the emergency fake one and was all depressed about that, so at least we got one.

Speaking of depressed, I got an email today that the cafe where I've been making Saturday brunch since the spring is going to be closed on Saturdays until they open in their new location. What a huge bummer! It wasn't a lot of hours, but those hours were something I could rely on and they made a difference in my life, especially the tips, meager though they be. Between that and the caramel, that was my fun money - for getting coffee, for going to concerts, etc. I haven't had to go to the ATM for a long time pretty much because of that cash, and I knew that anything I was putting into the account would all go to bills. So now, no gallery, no cafe, no green light projects with our business (one we're taking payment installments for the next couple months, so that will help a tiny bit, and we have a couple waiting for someone to "pull the trigger" or "get funding approved" so who knows when that could be).

So yeah, um, this is like too big of a cosmic joke not to have a punchline, and the second December in a row (3rd if you count AS, but I WAS working for half of the month) where I find myself without work, though last year I was able to get temporary unemployment (that turned into actual unemployment). My friend sent me a couple of job listings, but the corporate business speak language made me nauseous just to read it. Dynamic team, self motivated, attention to detail, blah blah blah. URGH!!!! If I absolutely have to I could go back to a job like that for a little while, but I really can't stand to think of it.

The part time stuff was good, enough of a reliable income that I could squeak by, not so overwhelming as to get me depressed or freaked out about not having enough time. I think they'll pick the cafe back up when they move to the new location, and I did ask (again) if I could be trained on coffee so I'll have more options for hours there, so we'll see what comes of it.

The thing that most bums me out is today is the day that we could reserve our Song School slots, but with over $1000 of just basic debt owed to G from being short the past couple months, a bigass student loan for my music classes that has actually gotten BIGGER since I took it on even though I've been paying towards it for a good 6 months (STUPID INTEREST, TOTAL SCAM! grrrrr), and no foreseeable income in the near future, it just seems wrong to put $100 down on the credit card. I guess I know what I want for Christmas...

Song School starts the day after S's wedding next summer. PERFECT timing. I don't know what my work schedule would be by next August, but in an ideal world, I go out there early to help her, maybe a week, at least a few days, and then wedding Saturday, probably brunch Sunday, and then drive the 20 minutes up to to Lyons and set up camp! PERFECT. So I mean, it has to work out, and if I get the reservation as a Christmas present, then at least I'll have it and I'll have till May I think to come up with the rest of the $.

S showed me pictures of her dress today and it is SO perfect for her. Very much just embodies her. Classic, elegant, just a touch of funky. Awesome. She wants kind of like a bouquet of colors for the bridesmaids, JPC seems to have several possibilities that could work for her colorwise, though I'm not sure I want to buy a dress quite so far in advance in case I change sizes...hrmmm. I got kind of teary excited looking at all the pictures. I am just so happy for her that she's getting to have this and doing it her way. Which is how it should be for any wedding, but it's kind of a bigger deal for her because she was kind of not into the whole marriage thing for quite a while, but she did always want the white dress and the ring, and now she's got 'em!

I wrote a song tonight. Real fast and rough. Can't tell if it's any good, but part of the whole Artist's Way thing is "I take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." So just create, create, create. You have to keep working to get better, just do it. So yeah. I wrote a song. I noticed myself at the beginning wanting to say "I think I wrote a song." BS. I DID, I freaking wrote one, with chords and everything. What I mean when I say "I think I wrote a song" is, "I wrote something, but I'm afraid it's crap, so if I present it to you as a draft type of thing, maybe you'll go easy on me." If I get a good take, I might even post the video of it. We'll see.

Counting Your Blessings

Back when it was really rough at work I was reminded of a nice little thing to do where you write down at least 10 good things that happen everyday. Big or small, and it could be the same good thing more than once on different days - (Like I had "L made me tea" several days, because it always made me happy!) but just always at least 10 things.

Now I've got scientific evidence I was on the right track! Thanks Missy!

I probably need to start doing it again. I've been rather confused lately, my heart and my head going in all sorts of directions, and very rarely in accord. My couple of work options aren't going to be anything steady for a while, so I applied for unemployment to help me through the next couple of months.

The thing is, I think the thing I really want to do is write and perform songs. But that brings up all sorts of doubts and fears and self-critiques. Not to mention it's not really a job you can apply to with a resume!

I went to a concert tonight - Truckstop Souvenir and The Starlings. The music was BEAUTIFUL, but the evening only really tore me up the more. Both of the bands talked about how hard it was to make a living as singers, about the times they felt like giving up and how it seemed like no one was listening (and how Fairfield's attentive audience was an exception to the rule.) And yet they both had songs about how they just had to keep singing because the songs kept coming through. And Tom mentioned a time back in Seattle when Dennis had told him how he owed it to the world to keep singing, and Tom said he thought that was right, that we all owed it to the world to do what makes us happy. If I hadn't wanted to hear every note I very well might have ran out to the car and bawled at that, and as it was a few tears managed to escape my eyes.

The thing that freaks me out and makes me kick myself all the time is - if I say I want this so badly, how come I don't practice more? Of course I want to get all fancy and sophisticated and finger-picking good, but at the moment I sometimes can't even get through just my simple songs from 8 years ago (sheesh, has it been that long?!) in a smooth and confident way. Which if i could get through all my stuff, I probably have enough for a full show. So what gives? Is it some fear demon thinking that if I actually practiced I'd have no excuse not to play? Because if I do start playing out, people are going to start judging, and can I take that? It's what I'll have to take if this is what I want to do...

And then there's the whole "If you have to ask, the answer is no." thing about being an artist, which I think isn't quite fair. On the one hand, no I don't have to ask, I AM an artist, and I know that. But then the voices creep in, "well sure, you're an artist, but just a backyard, small town one. Not a real, legit, people will pay you for it one." And I keep waiting for a mentor or someone to "discover" me, and give me permission to have this dream, and support and push me in it. And think that since it hasn't happened yet that means surely I'm not good enough. Just good enough for parents and friends to say nice things, but not enough to make complete strangers happy and transformed. And it's a slippery slope down into the self critiques. OK, I definitely need to do the 10 things again, but I think even more important at the moment is sleep!

Note To Self

Do not drink coffee (with caffeine) after lunch. Even if someone buys it for you.

You know this self. Shame on you.

In other notes:

The new iPhoto is lame when it comes to posting photos or videos to the web. Can't browse to the files. Grrrrrr. Maybe works fine if you have their iWeb site or whatevers, but for flickr and YouTube, I have to either use the uploader, or export and give the file a new name or drag the vids to the desktop, all of which is a huge bother, especially when the old iPhoto had everything all pretty and organized by dates in files and was easy and perfect and intelligent.

Also had a wee bit of a breakdown today over money, but talked it out and agreed that staying positive and being smart, resourceful and intelligent over our choices is much more productive and powerful than getting depressed, freaked out or stingy. Pointed out that while we might be making about 1/2 as much money, probably about 1/2 of our money went to fun things last year, so we won't starve, we just might not have as much fun or will have to be more conscious about it.

I wanna get my bike fixed and get a bigger basket/rack thingy for the back so I can carry more stuff. Not driving should save gas money. It's just been kinda crappy and cold the past few days. And might be for a bit longer...

My baby brother is turning 21 on Friday. Whoa.

Thinking again about all sorts of ways to earn money. All of which take time and focus. I'm sure it's possible to do several at once, but not all, and it might take some settling down of some to figure out how much time I have for the others. Should stop and think about what I really want/think would make me happiest, because it might not necessarily be the one that makes the most money per hour. Sigh.