Thursday, November 06, 2008

When You Look Good, You Feel Good

That's what the message on Meredith Hirsch's phone says when you call for a haircut. It's this guy with a great British accent (except I think maybe it's actually a New Zealand accent, but anyway...)

And it's freakin' true! I didn't do anything drastic, just got the ends trimmed up and most importantly my bangs! They get to that point where they get long and drive me nuts falling in my eyes and I can't seem to do anything with them. She said I can come in for just a bang trim between cuts, and maybe I'll be able to do that more easily now that I work down the hall.

Also got my eyebrows waxed. It's so much better when someone does it for you. None of the psyching myself up 20 times for peeling it off. Pretty quick and painless. And then it looks lovely! Subtle to most people I think, if they even notice it at all, but a whole world of difference to me.

I'd been feeling kind of shaggy for a while, but it's been sort of a money/schedule thing. Plus being married to someone who tells me I'm pretty even when I feel completely wrecked, and working in an office full of guys and I don't really feel the pressure to look fabulous. Kind of sad really. And funny.

Being around girls in the office at AS definitely kept my standards up. There are some girls who are always super fashionable and therefore exhausting to try and keep up with, but at AS no one was terribly rich so we all worked our own styles but we were all at about a Target price point that was comfortable but fun.

But now, at least for a while, I'll be able to ride the haircut and feel good about myself for that.

Getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like I have so much knowhow or at least ideas of the business/marketing side of music, but no product (as in solid songs) to test them out on. Oh sure, I've written plenty of songs, but I don't feel confident about hardly any of them. I told Sharon my goal was to build up a solid half hour set that I felt really good about and could always have in my back pocket for things like the feature at the open mic, or playing at the ArtWalk, or opening for someone. Or like today when we stopped by the new Cafe Paradiso branch at Everybody's and Meret mentioned I could probably play a set if I wanted tomorrow or Saturday during their grand opening, and I said I didn't think I had 20 minutes worth of anything solid. And I've made this goal for myself weeks ago and I have ONE song that I feel good about so far?!!?

What stops me from practicing? Is it the fear that if I actually get good enough I'll have no excuse not to go out and play? And then what if I fall on my face then? It'll be because of my songs, people not liking them. But there I go taking it so personally. It's hard, because the songs ARE so personal, so from the heart. But more and more I'm realizing that it's also about putting on a show, taking that step back from being attached to something and giving it a proper showcase.

It's the difference between taking some snapshots and posting them online, and putting a frame on a printed out picture and hanging it on a wall. It's not that the printed out picture has to lose any of the raw emotion you captured when you took it, but giving it a frame and a place on a wall is adding a level of deliberateness that says "Here, look at this, I care about it. It meant enough to me that I think it might be worth your time and attention too, so I'm going to make that experience of looking at it as easy and pleasant as possible for you as I know how."

It's being less attached to how people are going to interpret it and more attached to delivering it to them the best way I know how. Like cooking a meal for someone - I can do my best to not undercook, overcook or burn it, I can use the best ingredients I can afford, I can even arrange it on the plate to look beautiful and place it in front of them. But I can't chew it for them (thanks Ron Browning for that analogy!). Nor can I control if their taste buds are more predisposed to prefer salty or sweet flavors. And if they need to add a little salt to make their eating experience more enjoyable, it's not a personal attack on me or my cooking.

So yes, I'm learning about taking a step back, about detaching the little hooks but still keeping it fresh and honest. But I still need to practice. To work on the craft, to woodshed. But it's this damn internet that eats up my time. I need to find a way to balance that out.

2 comments:

Nandi said...

YOU CAN DO IT!!!! RAR! And remember the little "inspiration" - meant to lighten things up.

Heather said...

Thanks dear! And it does make me smile and laugh!