cooooookies!

Dang, I went to Everybody's and forgot the ingredient I needed for the tarts. I have very nearly all the other two types of cookies I prepped last night baked off. One batch in the oven and one more after that. The problem with mass producing lots of little cookies is it takes a LOOOOONG time. Sigh. They are tasty though!

The Cafe did it! Opened today! They still have work to do finishing stuff up, but they had tables and chairs and the espresso machine working and I got there in time for the last scone. It's still kind of paint/lacquer fume-y in there, but that will go away soon I'm sure. It appears they opted out of having kitchen space. I guess I'll find out some things when I go in on Saturday to cook brunch. I just found out tonight they have a basement, which you access through a trap door in the floor in front of the stage, and that is where they have the refrigerators they had in their second room at the old place. Seriously????? It's a major bad set up for anyone cooking. Possibly much worse than before actually, when I'm thinking about it. In the old space, the cooking area was right next to the fridge and sink and stuff. Now there's the whole bar in-between. You'd likely have to walk through the coffee line to get to the fridge and sink now, or even go open the trap door to restock?!?!?! Good geesh. It's just not their priority I guess. I'm sure there are work-arounds, but it's going to take some figuring out. sigh.

Put up some posters for a musician's show. Went to OTM with L to see New Moon again. Realized I pretty much didn't want to see most of the first part of the movie. Frustrating and sad part of the story. Totally team Jacob at the moment. :D We pondered how they were going to pull off the other two books, as the story-line strays farther and farther from reality... Hoping they invest more in their CGI. Got home, let the dog I'm taking care of this week out and gave it dinner. (It eats baby carrots for dinner, how cute is that?!) Went and borrowed a mic stand so I can practice the song with something in front of my face cuz that's a whole different ball game.

They were reading The Littlest Angel on the radio tonight. I had read/heard it before, but long enough ago that I didn't really remember how it ended. Pretty beautiful. There are so many versions of the story - a young/poor person doesn't have anything to give as a gift to the Christ Child, but they give the best they have. They either realize their gift is shabby and try to sneak it in, or they suddenly see their gift next to all the glorious glitzy other presents and freak out in embarrassment. "What was I thinking, that I/my gift was worthy?! I'm so ashamed!" But then because their gift was given from the heart, God takes it and proclaims it worthy, and then suddenly the gift is elevated to pretty much being one of the best gifts of all, or is even transformed into something super fancy as a reward for being humble and honest. It gave me hope for the concert this weekend. Even if I'm not as shiny and loud as a lot of the other performers, I still have something to offer and it's worthy. Tomorrow is the run-through/rehearsal. Which means I have to do a good job. I'm not as nervous as I was a few days ago, but geesh. Pressure...

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Lots of Thinking

So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.

So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.

Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".

Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.

The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.

I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.

(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)

Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.

I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.

My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.

When You Look Good, You Feel Good

That's what the message on Meredith Hirsch's phone says when you call for a haircut. It's this guy with a great British accent (except I think maybe it's actually a New Zealand accent, but anyway...)

And it's freakin' true! I didn't do anything drastic, just got the ends trimmed up and most importantly my bangs! They get to that point where they get long and drive me nuts falling in my eyes and I can't seem to do anything with them. She said I can come in for just a bang trim between cuts, and maybe I'll be able to do that more easily now that I work down the hall.

Also got my eyebrows waxed. It's so much better when someone does it for you. None of the psyching myself up 20 times for peeling it off. Pretty quick and painless. And then it looks lovely! Subtle to most people I think, if they even notice it at all, but a whole world of difference to me.

I'd been feeling kind of shaggy for a while, but it's been sort of a money/schedule thing. Plus being married to someone who tells me I'm pretty even when I feel completely wrecked, and working in an office full of guys and I don't really feel the pressure to look fabulous. Kind of sad really. And funny.

Being around girls in the office at AS definitely kept my standards up. There are some girls who are always super fashionable and therefore exhausting to try and keep up with, but at AS no one was terribly rich so we all worked our own styles but we were all at about a Target price point that was comfortable but fun.

But now, at least for a while, I'll be able to ride the haircut and feel good about myself for that.

Getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like I have so much knowhow or at least ideas of the business/marketing side of music, but no product (as in solid songs) to test them out on. Oh sure, I've written plenty of songs, but I don't feel confident about hardly any of them. I told Sharon my goal was to build up a solid half hour set that I felt really good about and could always have in my back pocket for things like the feature at the open mic, or playing at the ArtWalk, or opening for someone. Or like today when we stopped by the new Cafe Paradiso branch at Everybody's and Meret mentioned I could probably play a set if I wanted tomorrow or Saturday during their grand opening, and I said I didn't think I had 20 minutes worth of anything solid. And I've made this goal for myself weeks ago and I have ONE song that I feel good about so far?!!?

What stops me from practicing? Is it the fear that if I actually get good enough I'll have no excuse not to go out and play? And then what if I fall on my face then? It'll be because of my songs, people not liking them. But there I go taking it so personally. It's hard, because the songs ARE so personal, so from the heart. But more and more I'm realizing that it's also about putting on a show, taking that step back from being attached to something and giving it a proper showcase.

It's the difference between taking some snapshots and posting them online, and putting a frame on a printed out picture and hanging it on a wall. It's not that the printed out picture has to lose any of the raw emotion you captured when you took it, but giving it a frame and a place on a wall is adding a level of deliberateness that says "Here, look at this, I care about it. It meant enough to me that I think it might be worth your time and attention too, so I'm going to make that experience of looking at it as easy and pleasant as possible for you as I know how."

It's being less attached to how people are going to interpret it and more attached to delivering it to them the best way I know how. Like cooking a meal for someone - I can do my best to not undercook, overcook or burn it, I can use the best ingredients I can afford, I can even arrange it on the plate to look beautiful and place it in front of them. But I can't chew it for them (thanks Ron Browning for that analogy!). Nor can I control if their taste buds are more predisposed to prefer salty or sweet flavors. And if they need to add a little salt to make their eating experience more enjoyable, it's not a personal attack on me or my cooking.

So yes, I'm learning about taking a step back, about detaching the little hooks but still keeping it fresh and honest. But I still need to practice. To work on the craft, to woodshed. But it's this damn internet that eats up my time. I need to find a way to balance that out.

What the hey...

I noticed that NaBloPoMo has rolled around again. That'd be National Blog Posting Month, where you're supposed to post something every single day in November. Well, I already missed yesterday, but I thought I might give it a whirl this year and see how far I make it through the month.

It's been a long time since I really wrote a post on this blog, at least the kind I remember writing when I started, but that's not to say I haven't been thinking up posts in my head. That's a problem I think I have with a lot of areas of life, actually taking the time to translate things out of my head and into reality. I get frustrated with how long it takes, and how it's often not as cool as when it was in my head.

But there's another thing I've been realizing/remembering a lot lately too, kind of headsmackingly obvious but it's come into focus for me lately - if you want to get good at something, you have to do it. Practice. A lot. I forget because I have certain skills that I take for granted. "I can type pretty fast! I can remember where all the letters and numbers are on the keyboard without looking! How come I can't play guitar?" But I remembered recently that when I was learning to type, it took me a while. And my parents got me a game - Mario Teaches Typing. The game made it fun but I had to play it a lot to get good.

Oh my sheesh, I LOVE YouTube! Here's a short video of the gameplay. But was the sound really that annoying? ergh. You'll get the idea without sound if you turn your speakers off:


Same thing goes for writing songs. "I wrote tons of songs in just 6 months of college! How come I only get a couple a year now?" Uh, maybe because it was my assignment in music class to write a melody EVERY DAY. And if I did a chorus melody one day and a verse melody the next day, the rest of the song is bound to come out pretty quickly. duh. And even if they're not all good, when you're writing at that volume, there's bound to be some keepers.

So I think that's part of my reason for wanting to try this NaBloPoMo thing out - just to write something every day, with a definite end in site so it doesn't seem too daunting - with the hopes that by writing frequently on the blog, I'll get those writing juices flowing in general. My other goal being to try and keep the posts at short, easily digestible sizes, for the sanity of both me and any of my possible readers. I know there are a couple of you out there! We'll see how it goes though, the temptation is to try and update this with everything that goes on, and just write till my head is empty, but that doesn't seem very practical.