grah!!

Had another one of those moments, listening to a FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC song and simultaneously having my heart explode with joyous celebration/appreciation while shattering into a sloppy mess of despair and fear that I'll never be able to write a song as good/powerful/moving/amazing as that one.  And I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, I'm supposed to just BE myself.  And I know the only way to get better is to DO it, and I can't expect myself to already be there if I haven't put the work in yet.  But that whole "What if I work really hard and never get there?" thing creeps in, and then "There's no way you could work really hard and not at least get better, so it's not a waste of time to try."

And then getting really frustrated because I know I FEEL deeply, and I know a lot of deep/smart/useful/cool things, but the songs I come up with don't feel like they go that deep, and something that M.F. told me at Song School to the effect of, "No offense, but you might want to reveal more about yourself," or maybe something like "go deeper, be more meaningful" or something.  And it was almost just a little offhand comment, especially since it was just a brainstorming exercise, but it really struck in and still gets to me even this many months after, because I recognized it as true.  I can write great observations about other people, but I haven't seemed to go to deep into ME... or at least not that often.  Maybe it just hasn't been time, maybe that's not my voice/style/thing and it never will be time.  

Again, the only way to "find my voice" is to KEEP WRITING, and I was uncovering a lot of interesting and approaching on maybe scary (but good for me) things in my last writing class, but now I've moved on to Melody and it just makes me feel like a big dummy with super weak music theory powers.  Next semester is Harmony, not sure how much better that will be either, unless I pick something up by the end of this course, and with 8 more weeks, how could I not get better?  And with the time I have these days, why can't I focus and use it to improve things, or start some blog or book or business that might have a chance of making money?  It's terrifying being the end of the line, no one taking care of you, directing, leading the way...