Well THAT was interesting...

So. hrm. What a day.

Found out I didn't get a part in the play. It's ok, I'm really looking forward to watching it! and I appreciate that they told me clearly and right away. Other productions I've auditioned for have sometimes not figured it out for weeks, and then sometimes just not said anything to the people not cast, which is weird and ambiguous and frustrating. So there, clean, done, no worries, moving on. I'm not sure I would have really had time for the rehearsals anyway. Well, I would have made time, but it may have been stressful. He did say he thought I read well, and hoped to work with me in the future, which was good to hear.

The Dr visit was not what I expected. I got in there and she told me that my thyroid was normal but she thought I was right and that she was going to give me a little boost for losing weight - as in, she prescribed me pills for it! Which was confusing because when I told her last month that yes I thought I could use some help with losing weight, I meant more like moral support or something, I never thought I was asking for drugs... She asked if I'd ever taken diet pills before and I said that I had for a little bit in college (it was an herbal thing) but it made me jittery. She told me that it was like speed (?! I'm now a little confused if she meant this or if she meant the stuff I'd tried before), that I was going to do just fine with it and probably would like it a lot, that other people are really happy with the results. She listened to my breathing/heart, looked at my eyes and glanced at my right shin (?!). Said I needed to exercise 30 minutes a day but no more than 15 of weight bearing so as not to put stress on the leg joints that might accelerate arthritis, and also to keep a food & exercise journal and come in for monthly follow up visits where they will weigh and measure inches and bring that journal to get a refill of the prescription.

Whoa.

I mean seriously, just the diet and exercise journal and having to come in to get measured would surely do something. I've fluctuated a lot since I was a teenager, but I gained a LOT of weight during corporate life. I haven't gained any in the two years since, just haven't lost any, but then I haven't TRIED to lose any either.

I went and got the pills, and then realized afterward that I have all these questions and I'm a bit nervous for the side effects, that I might get addicted, that I would just gain all the weight back after going off them, etc.

G and I spent some time today reading online reviews from users who all had mixed results, including some who had experiences that verified my fears. Some loved it, some didn't find that it worked. Some had to BEG their doctors to prescribe it, and mine goes ahead when I didn't even ask. And she has a background in natural medicine. I just can't quite figure out where she stands now...

On the other hand, if they could just give me a little boost, head start, get me on the right track, that could be encouraging, right? At the moment it just seems like so daunting a task to even start. And how dangerous are the side effects compared to the side effects of being too heavy, especially the older I get? I just don't know.

Anyway, she left and had the nurse come in and take my starting measurements. The nurse was about to leave when I asked her if I could have a copy of my labs and she seemed surprised that I hadn't heard the results yet, but she went and got the paper for me. Everything was normal/fine. As usual. I should be grateful that I continue to be healthy/normal when it comes to the lab work in the past couple of years. I am!

So, today I started using a nice little journal program on my iPod that helps you count calories and exercise. I went to the pool and did 45 minutes (15 extra minutes so I could earn more calories back for dinner!) of swimming/water walking (when the kids came in and needed the deep end for swim practice) and then had 10 minutes in the hot tub. I had a small dinner and two cups of herbal tea and I am still hungry. This is going to take some getting used to. The first days are always the worst. I just want this to be permanent. I'm done. I'm tired of being this way.

I decided my words for the year were "release" and "abundance". I couldn't pick just one. Just "release" was too scary, but "abundance" on its own didn't seem powerful or motivating enough. When I participated in a Peruvian ceremony for the new year, I asked specifically that I have an abundance of sweetness in my life that would satisfy my cravings for it so that I didn't feel so compelled to literally eat things, but I wouldn't feel deprived - I would have that sweetness and satisfaction in my life in other ways. I released the heavy energy I no longer needed, asking Mother Earth to help me transform it, compost it for new harvests. So that is part of the reason I am going to give these pills a try. Maybe this is part of some divine plan, a big jump start/reset button that is coming to me NOW, rather than any time previous. I don't remember specifically asking my Dr for this kind of help, but wow, now I am remembering, did I ever ask the universe. Indeed. Yikes...

Let's see what happens. People HAVE lost weight before and kept it off. Both of my parents and one of my brothers for instance. Which should bode well for me, right?

Oh, and I start a new semester of online music classes today. I got a teacher I had previously who I really like, so that's good. I'm excited to see how much I've learned combining with the new techniques they are teaching us in this one.

Bass Fun

Got myself a new toy yesterday after work. Managed to slide in to the music store a few minutes before it closed. It's actually my xmas present from my parents. Long story short, I couldn't find a video camera at Christmas time that would work with my old laptop, and in the time since then I now have a webcam in my new laptop and also been borrowing a video cam from my bro that he seems ok with letting me hang on to long term (he upgraded a while ago). I've had several other ideas of what I might want but most of them seemed to involve more research and planning and at this point it seemed like it might be NEXT xmas before I got anything. I've been catching up on my Harmony class homework this weekend and I was hearing some bass bits in my head and thinking it'd be nice to have one to play them on.

So yeah. I had a couple moments of panic yesterday - what if I can't play it? What if it's a crap one and I should have done more research and gotten a better one? It's a Fender rip-off from what I can tell. Pretty basic. It should suit my purposes - adding my little bass lines to home recordings and such.

Anyway, I was working on my latest assignment, and I discovered that I could plug my acoustic in and use these virtual effects pedals that are in the new version of GarageBand and get a pretty rockin sound - I chose a dreamy texture for the guitar and liquid bass, lots of reverb. Found my chords, found a drum track that worked. And then I plugged in the bass. Started figuring out where the notes were, keeping it super basic. Set up GarageBand so I could do several takes in a row, and mid-way through one of those takes I got a huge smile on my face and thought "I'm having a blast!"

It was a moment of total fun and pure joy at what I was creating. I was doing it for me and because I liked the way it sounded. Something I don't think I've really felt in a while while doing music. Too many critical voices telling me that what I'm doing is boring, too simple, unoriginal, etc, etc. Too much trying to make things "follow the rules", not enough of the spontaneous just following my ears because they are the only things I have. And yet I WAS following some rules, the structure that was set up for the assignment. But it was kind of like an improv game - set up the boundaries and then let loose inside them.

The bit I came up with is still pretty much just a draft/sketch. A verse and a chorus. Enough for the assignment, not really ready for sharing out of that. I'm not sure if I'll ever develop it into a full song. The teacher might rip it apart when he grades it. But whatever happens, I'm so grateful for that moment of inspired joy. Glad to know it still exists and I could probably find it again. Tells me I made the right choice to buy the bass.

Lots of Thinking

So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.

So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.

Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".

Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.

The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.

I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.

(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)

Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.

I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.

My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.

I did it

I picked up my guitar for all of 3 minutes before work and I FELT it. It was out of tune and has a little buzz that I should get looked at if I even knew where/who/how, but in spite of all that, I FELT it. And it felt good. I need more of that.

The new buzz around the web today seems to be that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Apparently that's 5 years of 40 hours/week. Damn. At the rate I'm going I'm pretty screwed. But then again, I don't supposed you have to be an expert at something before you start doing it. Indeed, you HAVE to start doing it to become an expert!

More reason to take more classes, at the same time, to really dive in. But I'm scared, I'm way behind with my ONE class, I don't know how I'd keep up with 2 or more! Not to mention I don't know how I'd pay for them. If I sell my car that will pay for this one and my next one, but after that?

I'm SO loathe to go into debt in such a big way again. I still have $600 more left from my B.A. that I'm letting sit because it has a lower interest rate. And it's not something like going to get my nursing degree where you KNOW there's a need for nurses and you're guaranteed to get a job that'll pay it back. For all I know I'll take a bunch of classes only to find out that I suck, or am mediocre at best, and that I should stick to promoting the real talent.

Seriously, how terrifying is that, to throw a huge bunch of money at something when I have absolutely no idea of the outcome? It's like gambling! I suppose on the one hand it's like a vote of confidence in myself, that I DO deserve it and I DO have something worthy of developing, and that THIS is the path to get to it. I know that a bunch of people I admire have gone down this path before, but it's not like a magic wand either, I have to to do the work. So that's the question - do I have the confidence and the drive?