Overdone

So... it was supposed to be 3 weeks of brunch. But the regular guy got stuck in the country he was visiting, so in total it's going to be 5 weeks! Luckily last time I split the shift, so it wasn't quite as hard. Hoping to do the same this week, or at least have someone do the cleanup part.

But coming off a weekend of double brunches, I went into a week of rehearsals/tech every night except Thurs, which I used to go up to OTM to pick up a performance dress from JCP. Which *thanktheluckystars* fit beautifully and didn't require the purchase of additional undergarments.

Shows Friday and Saturday were pretty much fun enough to make up for the hellish tech days where I remember mentioning to G at one point that I wasn't sure this was fun enough to be worth it. So glad it turned out to be super fun. Totally sold out on Sat and decided to do an encore performance on Sun night. We got about 160 people, purely through last minute word of mouth, and the show was shorter (and cheaper) because not all the artists could make it, having other things going on in their lives. I think we still put on a great show, even missing some of the big numbers. The people there really stepped up to fill in the gaps wherever they could with great energy.

But somehow after the Sunday performance, I couldn't sleep. I didn't really try. Not like I was lying in bed tossing & turning, but I frittered away a night on the internet. Slept till about noon. So I got enough sleep technically, but it wasn't good sleep. And then I was up late on Monday night too since I wasn't quite ready for sleeping due to waking up so late, but at least I got up at a decent hour today because I had my radio show. Nuts. And here I am again up pretty late. grr. I need to start writing in my journal again.

Started the caretaker job today. I think it will be good. Part time. Not too stressful or strenuous but important and useful. Going to learn a lot too I think.

I've lost 12 lbs in under a month. That's a lot in such a short time, no doubt due to the pills, although it's not uncommon for someone starting a diet to shed a lot in the first couple weeks, and they usually say a lot of that is water. 2 more lbs and I will be less than I've been in 4 or 5 years. 26 lbs and I will be at my wedding weight. I must have gained quite a lot (38 lbs?!) pretty quickly after the wedding because I remember my wedding weight and I remember my pre-diet weight but I don't really remember many of the in-between numbers. And I'd been hovering at the pre-diet weight pretty much ever since losing my full time job. So it was either pretty quick or I was totally oblivious or maybe some combo of the two. Yikes.

Yikes.

And I'm trying to remember details (I'm so bad with dates!) but I think I gained something like 50 lbs in the 3 or 4 years between finishing college and getting married. Say it was 50 in 4 years - that's 12.5 per year, or a teeny bit more than just 1 lb per month. Not something you'd really notice at that rate at first, but if you don't keep track and look for balance, all of a sudden, yeah, it adds up. Shit. Especially when you consider that thing about how women start losing muscle mass after the age of 25, and how many more calories do muscles burn just sitting down than fat does? It's a significant number - 400 a day??? I can't remember, but I get the point.

But the good news is that I didn't gain anything to speak of in the 2 years since The Job. Cutting out such a huge source of stress was hugely beneficial in that respect. This is part of what makes me hopeful that I can maintain whatever I end up getting to.

I got some birthday $ to pay a friend to help me with some cleaning/organizing. She has done a few projects that have been great - small but useful and things that I just have not gotten around to in waaaay too long. And her being here inspires me to work on stuff too - I started working on the cubby in the front entryway and got rid of a ton of stuff already! Still quite a bit more to go, and it's one of those "stuff" cupboards that is just going to fill with other stuff and will need cleaning out again in another couple of years I'm sure, but that is no reason not to clean it out as much as possible now.

It feels good to keep letting things go. It is also nice to have my friend here because I can tell her about the little things that I need to throw away but are kind of hard. Today for example, I found in the cubby a beautiful glass vase, probably handblown, that we got as a wedding present but the base broke shortly after we got it. I tried gluing it back together at least a couple of times and it just never stayed glued! So it was time to let it go. But I showed her how it was my favorite colors and explained how bummed I was that I never got to enjoy it properly before it broke. A miniscule memorial service I suppose... In any case, talking about it made it much easier to drop in the trash.

I think the physical practice of releasing the objects enforces the concept mentally and emotionally that it's ok to let emotional/energetic clutter go, that it's good to have whatever degree of "memorial service" is necessary to mourn that thing, whatever it may be, and how much lighter and relieved it feels to be done with it.

So yeah, I'm encouraged to continue, in little chunks that don't overwhelm. My friend is coming one more time tomorrow, and I asked her to come in the morning so I would get myself up! Which means that it's way, way past time for me to be in bed...

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Lots of Thinking

So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.

So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.

Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".

Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.

The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.

I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.

(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)

Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.

I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.

My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.

My fingernails have gotten long on my left hand

That's usually a bad sign. It means I haven't played guitar in quite a while. I have to have them mega short when I play so I can fret and they don't get in the way of the strings and all, but when the nails get long... I'm bummed, I hope I get to a point where music is a daily part of life, but I'm not sure when that's gonna happen yet.
I think I meet with Stacey today about the artwalk stuff. I really hope I can do all of this. Not sure though, because thus far I've gone to dad's in the morning, and mom's after lunch, or done catering in the pm, and mom's in the evening, or done mom's in the pm, and catering in the evening. I think keeping Entre for lunch twice a week will be a good thing though, cuz thinking ahead to moving out, which is part of the plan, having 2 really good meals a week plus an ittle bits of cash would be a good thing... and I would have to go to lunch no matter what, so might as well be there. But adding a whole new ArtWalk job could be a wee bit tricky. Although she saw it as potentially 3 jobs, maybe it would shake down that I just do one of them? Like the YELLOW GUIDE (always in all caps ;) ) who knows? "Not I," said the cat.

Crap, looking at the calendar, this weekend is going to be packed! I actually don't know if I can do all of it. Dang. Collin's play, Jennie's play, improv performance? Lucia's workshop, collage workshop. Plus I need to make sure the brochures get all printed for the show, which means running back and forth between printers at home and work. aaaaaaaakkk! I need to sit down and figure this thing out!