Happy Nutloaf (plus a lot of other food) Day!

I don't eat turkey, so calling it turkey day is kind of weird for me. Though I guess a bunch of other people DO eat turkey, so it's still a turkey day or something.

Had a nice big meal with the L family as we quite often do. B & R were back from Scotland and it was super nice to see them. Had a bit of a strange while where I felt like I was just sitting on the edge of the room and G was kind of napping next to me and it was all full of people talking and I wasn't part of any of it. But shortly after that I got up and moved a tray so I could sit next to B & A and then got to talk to them for a bit and felt more like I was part of things.

I made roasted veggies which went over really well. Seems funny to me because they are SO easy, just chop up the veggies and drizzle lots of olive oil, herbs, and some onions and garlic. But people liked 'em lots! I also made vegetarian stuffing that was barely touched since there was tons more, and some cranberry sauce that wasn't even opened since there was LOTS of that. Anyway, I like both those things so I'm sure they'll be eaten soon.

The other thing people liked that I brought were these little coconut cookies, that are also super easy to make - just sweetened flaked coconut, sugar, egg whites and chopped pistachios. I think that may have been the only dessert that was completely eaten! T didn't even get any because she was too full and by the time she wasn't, they were all gone! I made them last night because I wanted to offer something to G's soccer friends who were over and I figured I could bring the rest to Thanksgiving. :) Luckily I happened to have just the right amount of pistachios on hand to make them.

It was strange to see B & R and realize we really haven't been in touch much for the whole year and a 1/2 since we visited them and how much has happened since then! It's been nearly a year since I lost my job at AS and it's still such a big part of my story. Might be time to let it go? It WAS a rather life changing event though, and it's part of the explanation of how I got to where I am now. Interesting though, to really notice, that it was almost a year ago.

Right before Christmas, when we cleaned out the whole office, and it looked so sterile and bare. Granted, I stayed on to train people, but only for 1/2 days and only from home. I still have boxes full of crap that I brought home, sitting in my little home office, taking up space. I threw out a bunch of old notebooks last month as it was infinitely clear that I would no longer need them. Some of the stuff from the office was the little knick-knacks I'd collected over the 3 years working there, little things that brightened my day or helped me get through it. I really was pretty miserable at the end...

The worst part is when you have to sit there, when there's nothing to do. I mean, there's ALWAYS something to do I suppose, but you definitely don't have the freedom to say "ok, I've done enough for today, I'm going home." And then being so tired and drained that I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to. Such a waste.

G is heading to Dubai tomorrow, and Colombia directly after that. He'll be gone for 20 days! eeps! That's pretty long. Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself busy. It'll give me plenty of time to get used to the Prius. So strange not to need to use a key, just press a button and it's on, press a button to park it. Hard to TELL if it's on because it doesn't make any noise starting up!!

Anyhoo, I'm thankful for a year of transformation, growth and figuring out boundaries and desires, many adventures and getting to see lots of friends and make some new ones. Grateful to be building relationships with people in the music world and to recognize that it's a real and valid lifestyle, not something that's shameful or crazy. Thankful for the President Elect and all he seems to be doing already in preparation for taking office. (I read something the other day about how he's going to "green" the White House, loved that! Very thankful for my amazing and supportive G who has stood by and helped me up during all my crazy figuring out of things this year. I don't think it's quite over, but getting closer!

Wow...

Last performance today. I should be hustling my butt to get over there, but I'm kind of hit with a wave of emotion and I think it would be helpful to process it at least a little before I go.

I wrote this on my MySpace blog, but am feeling like I need to put it here too as a preface to my thoughts today:

7/14/2008 For those of you wondering, opening weekend of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat went really well! We had pretty decent sized audiences every time, even the matinées. The people seemed to really enjoy it and there weren't any major mess-ups, though we all noticed that our Saturday matinée was a little bit lower energy than usual. So hopefully we all learned our lesson about staying up late on Friday celebrating! But let me tell you it was such a relief to have a successful opening on Friday night, and we had worked so hard up till then, the dinner out was needed and deserved. It probably wouldn't have been so late except the restaurant was understaffed for a group our size, so the food took forever to come out. And I don't know if people stayed afterwards and moved on to the bar or what, cuz I went home fairly soon after I finally got my food, which was pretty tasty after all.

This whole process of the show has been quite the learning experience for me. I think I've said it before, but I've never been in a play with such a compact rehearsal schedule, nor have I been in a play with such a heavy performance schedule! We had 4 shows this weekend - Friday night, Saturday afternoon AND night, and Sunday afternoon. The next two weeks we'll have 5 shows because we'll add a Thursday night to each weekend. It's a lot of fun to perform - the show is short but high energy so it packs a punch to both the performers and the audience. I'm not even in half the dance numbers, but I think, once again, that I ended up with just about as much as I could handle. I did get bumped from two less intense dance numbers simply because I don't have enough time to change costumes from one scene to the next, which is kind of a bummer because I still had to learn them before we figured out I wouldn't have time, and they were parts I felt pretty confident about. I think by the end of the weekend I got through the big dance number with minimal mess ups, so hopefully next weekend I'll be great! And now I know that it's really just better for me to do shows where I have a month or two to learn things, rather than 2 weeks.

I think I also realize that part of the fun of doing shows in High School and College was that the plays WERE my life, social and otherwise. Now that I've got other things I need to do, and other friends, and when I don't really know that many people in the cast (though I AM making some new friends), some of the thrill is gone. It's sort of a relief to know I didn't miss something big for myself by not following theater as a full-time career. Which is not to say I won't do any more shows, there is still something pretty magical about creating something bigger than you could do on your own, and it's a miracle how all the pieces fit together somehow at the last minute every time. And then there is that gift of the energy exchange between the audience and the performers - knowing you made someone laugh or gasp with delight, or even think a little differently for a minute. Props and respect to the people following the path full time!

I made a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat album in the photos section and put up a few pictures of rehearsals and backstage and such. I'll try to get someone to snap a few of me in costume next weekend! The tricky thing is I'm in and out of several costumes so quickly, there isn't much time to take pictures, but I'll figure something out.

Now that the show has opened we don't have daily rehearsals, so it's probably going to take me a bit to get back to a semi-normal routine at home. I actually still need to unpack my suitcase from my Seattle trip in June! Rehearsals started the very day I got back and whenever I did have some time off I didn't really have the energy to do much housework type stuff.

And coming up probably before I know it is Song School in Lyons, CO! 4 days of camping and workshops with amazing people like Josh Ritter, Melissa Ferrick, Pat Pattison, Susan Werner, Steve Seskin, Vance Gilbert, Paul Reisler and a bunch more, then a weekend Folks Festival with Greg Brown, KT Tunstall, Nanci Griffith, Amos Lee, Patty Griffin, Jakob Dylan, Dar Williams, Josh Ritter, Todd Snider, and many many more. The adventure starts August 10th, or maybe the day before, I haven't figured out how I'm getting there yet...

I'm trying to find that mental and emotional balance between not setting up my expectations too high but being really open, brave, bold and ready to jump on any opportunities that might come my way, because there is a part of me that thinks this could be a life-changing event, but that seems like a lot of pressure to put on a few days. hehehe. I don't want to freak out and hang back and miss things. Songwriting can be a vulnerable experience and it's scary to put yourself out there for critiques, but I think that's part of what I need to learn, is to not take things too personally. And from the looks of the website, it's a supportive and nurturing environment.

http://bluegrass.com/songschool/

So yeah, the process of the play has gotten a lot more fun as the performances went on and I've had more time to integrate and get better at the dance routines. I know I still don't articulate as well as the trained dancers, and I'm still pretty dependent on the people in front of me to get through (which is bad when THEY mess up!) but I don't feel like a complete and total loser anymore, so that's good. I'm a little worried about the post-show depression I've experienced in the past happening again now that I've gotten more attached to my cast-mates. (I still feel like an outsider though, and they have another show to do together, so they won't be experiencing the same sort of thing.) Definitely looking forward to doing another show sometime, just not sure when...

I hope I'll be able to get the house together a little now though, and get on a better routine with food. (been eating out a lot which means more crap and more money, bad combo.) and sleep. I'm a night owl anyway, but the after show buzz is pretty bad for my bedtime! And really, I won't have much time before I go off to Song School and then after that it will be time to give a more serious look at my future. The idea of furthering my musical education is really appealing to me more and more. Dancing around a series of ideas like courses at Indian Hills in Ottumwa, finding out if there's a program I could do in Iowa City, cobbling together my own lessons through various people here in town and trying out the Berklee online certificate programs. I can see how much easier it is for these theatre people to express themselves when they've had regular training and a good theatre/dance vocabulary. I know people say that artists can create without needing to be trained, and that sometimes training stifles creativity, but I think that for me I've gotten to a point that training is just going to create a more effortless and smooth path from my inside to my outside expressions. But it's scary to make that leap into full time going for it, instead of a side hobby thing. Just not sure how much longer I can keep it on the back burner though without being too depressed and disgusted and futile feeling. I know it will be hard work and a challenge and less secure than a "regular job". but I'm a creative person in more ways than one, so I'm sure I'll be able to find a balance of doing enough to earn money and still get to create and nourish my soul. Just gotta be patient for now...