yay

Portland was awesome.

Spoiled me a bit though. Eating out every day/meal. TONS of restaurant choices. Coffee at least once a day. Not keeping track of food & exercise. A real vacation, a real break from the day to day.

Left me wishing for a little more of all that when I got back home. I know that that much indulgence everyday long term would NOT result in happiness, I have no doubts. And it's better to leave wanting more and ready to go back with good memories than to get sick of it and not want to go back...

It might take me a little longer to snap out of it though. heh.

I THINK I came out of it even money-wise, more or less. Will see for real when we do finances, but so far so good. Just got a check in today that should cover the hostel expense I put on the credit card. Still - $117 for 5 nights? Good stuff.

Left once again with the conundrum - it would be SO very nice to live closer to those gals. But how will we ever find a city/living situation that we are all happy in? I do love FF. Aware of its shortcomings and all.

We see each other so well, the power and the beauty and the potential. We cheer each other on when we aren't reaching our fullest expressions. And yet it's still hard to really believe it for ourselves. That "well, they have to say that, they're my friends." But seriously - why would we have become friends in the first place if we didn't think the other was awesome? I'd like to think that initial assessment at least was honest if nothing else, but I'm sure it's more than that.

Funny, funny, the way the tricksy mind works... heh.

Looking Good

I've been examining things and I am semi-cautiously saying that I should be able to make it to Portland!! I've been quite good about not spending my tips the past couple of weeks and I have a good little cash stash right now, and that plus the various other little things I'm doing and have done are making me more comfortable about being able to afford this!!!!

I still have to be on the alert, and if something else unexpected comes up I will have to really scramble, but so far so good!!!

Wowzer.

Manifesting Money!!

So, my work situation is pretty good right now. I am covering the basics, I'm pretty happy with the amount of time I have available to do other things, I'm learning and growing, I don't really feel a pinch in terms of wanting things that money can buy on a day to day basis.

I am however, looking for ways to manifest cash for travel. My college friends, who I have managed to see pretty much every year since college, are getting together on the West Coast to celebrate the graduation of one of us in late May. 5 of them live on the West Coast already, 4 of them within 3-5 hours or so of each other. So the 5 are going to be there, and I'd like to join them. In my initial estimates, between travel expenses and to make up for the days of work I would miss, it would be about $500. That's like an extra $100 per week from now until the trip...

The other thing I need to pay in a big chunk is the remainder of my Song School tuition, which I think is also coming up in May. I think that's $350.

Then by August I need to figure out how I'm getting to Colorado for Song School and the wedding, and I'm also going to need to buy a bridesmaid's dress. (I'm shrinking so quickly these days I want to wait till as close to the date as possible for the dress) But let's say between either driving or flying or train it's about $250 for travel, and I would hope somewhere between $60 & $100 for a dress. Oh and shoes. crap... another $20 or so???

So yes. Somewhere in the range of $1,180 - $1,220 for travel between May and August.

I am open to ideas.

But before you start offering them though, let me mention a few things.

Credit Card. Technically, I COULD put it on a credit card, I have enough room for that (especially since it wouldn't be all at once). But I already have a balance that I'm working on paying off within 11 months of when I made the balance transfer. I also have a student loan payment due each month for my music courses. This is part of why I don't have a lot extra to work with. So yeah, I could put it there, but I don't know how or when I'd be able to pay it back. Ditto goes for any sort of a personal loan. I don't want to ADD to my debts, especially not right now.

Selling crafty things at the Farmer's Market (or in local stores, or online). Lots of people jump to this when I mention I need to make some more money. It's a good idea, and I'm flattered they think of/remember me as crafty and my stuff being good to sell, but in all honesty it takes quite a lot of time/effort for not much cash in return. So when I'm doing it for fun and I am just getting joy out of making the stuff and I have all this extra I don't need, and if I happen to get some cash for it, then great! But when I'm actually in it for money and depending/hoping to get a certain amount, I usually end up disappointed.

When I was able to do the Farmer's Market regularly, I never made more than about $20 or $25 TOPS in a week. And really, in this economy, people (understandably!) go for food items first. Crafts & jewelry are not high priority.

Plus Farmer's Market is on Saturday when I work at the Cafe, and I KNOW I'll get a reliable amount for working there. It's not a gamble of "Will I make my table money back today?" All that said, when Farmer's Market starts, I may see about sending a small set up with my bro and give him a commission or something... Every dollar does count!

Selling Used Stuff. I don't really think I have anything to sell on craigslist or ebay. I've been living on a low income for several years now, so I don't have a whole lot of extra things just lying around. Usually when I buy something big it's carefully saved for and used until it wears out. But I will keep thinking on that one.

So yeah, it would probably be more effective/efficient to try and teach another improv class to kids or do a performance, especially when I'm trying to come up with hundreds of dollars in a short period of time. Both of those would take prep time and advertising. Technically I have written an hour's worth of songs, but I don't remember how to play all of them, and even if I did, I don't know if they are strong enough to entertain for a whole show by myself.

I have one young guitar student. I could take a couple more of those if anyone was interested. It's not something I have advertised because I partly don't feel qualified for it. Seriously though, if it's just the basics and getting started learning chords, I'm probably a good teacher for that because it's not like uberly boring for me and I have a lot of patience and compassion for people starting out.

There is also an opportunity to write some articles for a local blog, which I have started doing, but I'm not sure if I can crank out enough of them fast enough to make the cash by the first trip in May, and even if I could, I don't know that they have the budget for that many in so short a time. Still, I will work on those.

With the awareness of what a difference it could make, I can be a bit more strict with myself about not spending my tips. I usually use them for things like coffee and lunches out during the week, but I won't feel pinched about giving those things up if I know I'm saving for something so totally worth it. That's between $10 & $20 per week if I'm really lucky, and if I don't spend any of it!

Finally, I am also totally open to receiving unconventional ways of achieving my travel desires. I am pretty inspired by the way I was really clear that I wanted to go to the Ingrid Michaelson concert at a price I could afford, and the next thing I know I saw an offer of two free tickets through someone I follow on Twitter, on the day of the concert! So miraculous things do happen!

And I am already arranging my schedule as if I was going to Portland - I had someone looking for a house concert and I set them up to do it with another lady in town who had expressed interest in being a host only a week or so before. (I'll still help promote, whether I can go or not!) I haven't scheduled an interview for the Tuesday after, just in case.

Anyway, I have the strong desire and the motivation and a good feeling about this. Now to make it happen!

(cue the doot duh-duh DOO ---- CHARGE! trumpets!)

Overdone

So... it was supposed to be 3 weeks of brunch. But the regular guy got stuck in the country he was visiting, so in total it's going to be 5 weeks! Luckily last time I split the shift, so it wasn't quite as hard. Hoping to do the same this week, or at least have someone do the cleanup part.

But coming off a weekend of double brunches, I went into a week of rehearsals/tech every night except Thurs, which I used to go up to OTM to pick up a performance dress from JCP. Which *thanktheluckystars* fit beautifully and didn't require the purchase of additional undergarments.

Shows Friday and Saturday were pretty much fun enough to make up for the hellish tech days where I remember mentioning to G at one point that I wasn't sure this was fun enough to be worth it. So glad it turned out to be super fun. Totally sold out on Sat and decided to do an encore performance on Sun night. We got about 160 people, purely through last minute word of mouth, and the show was shorter (and cheaper) because not all the artists could make it, having other things going on in their lives. I think we still put on a great show, even missing some of the big numbers. The people there really stepped up to fill in the gaps wherever they could with great energy.

But somehow after the Sunday performance, I couldn't sleep. I didn't really try. Not like I was lying in bed tossing & turning, but I frittered away a night on the internet. Slept till about noon. So I got enough sleep technically, but it wasn't good sleep. And then I was up late on Monday night too since I wasn't quite ready for sleeping due to waking up so late, but at least I got up at a decent hour today because I had my radio show. Nuts. And here I am again up pretty late. grr. I need to start writing in my journal again.

Started the caretaker job today. I think it will be good. Part time. Not too stressful or strenuous but important and useful. Going to learn a lot too I think.

I've lost 12 lbs in under a month. That's a lot in such a short time, no doubt due to the pills, although it's not uncommon for someone starting a diet to shed a lot in the first couple weeks, and they usually say a lot of that is water. 2 more lbs and I will be less than I've been in 4 or 5 years. 26 lbs and I will be at my wedding weight. I must have gained quite a lot (38 lbs?!) pretty quickly after the wedding because I remember my wedding weight and I remember my pre-diet weight but I don't really remember many of the in-between numbers. And I'd been hovering at the pre-diet weight pretty much ever since losing my full time job. So it was either pretty quick or I was totally oblivious or maybe some combo of the two. Yikes.

Yikes.

And I'm trying to remember details (I'm so bad with dates!) but I think I gained something like 50 lbs in the 3 or 4 years between finishing college and getting married. Say it was 50 in 4 years - that's 12.5 per year, or a teeny bit more than just 1 lb per month. Not something you'd really notice at that rate at first, but if you don't keep track and look for balance, all of a sudden, yeah, it adds up. Shit. Especially when you consider that thing about how women start losing muscle mass after the age of 25, and how many more calories do muscles burn just sitting down than fat does? It's a significant number - 400 a day??? I can't remember, but I get the point.

But the good news is that I didn't gain anything to speak of in the 2 years since The Job. Cutting out such a huge source of stress was hugely beneficial in that respect. This is part of what makes me hopeful that I can maintain whatever I end up getting to.

I got some birthday $ to pay a friend to help me with some cleaning/organizing. She has done a few projects that have been great - small but useful and things that I just have not gotten around to in waaaay too long. And her being here inspires me to work on stuff too - I started working on the cubby in the front entryway and got rid of a ton of stuff already! Still quite a bit more to go, and it's one of those "stuff" cupboards that is just going to fill with other stuff and will need cleaning out again in another couple of years I'm sure, but that is no reason not to clean it out as much as possible now.

It feels good to keep letting things go. It is also nice to have my friend here because I can tell her about the little things that I need to throw away but are kind of hard. Today for example, I found in the cubby a beautiful glass vase, probably handblown, that we got as a wedding present but the base broke shortly after we got it. I tried gluing it back together at least a couple of times and it just never stayed glued! So it was time to let it go. But I showed her how it was my favorite colors and explained how bummed I was that I never got to enjoy it properly before it broke. A miniscule memorial service I suppose... In any case, talking about it made it much easier to drop in the trash.

I think the physical practice of releasing the objects enforces the concept mentally and emotionally that it's ok to let emotional/energetic clutter go, that it's good to have whatever degree of "memorial service" is necessary to mourn that thing, whatever it may be, and how much lighter and relieved it feels to be done with it.

So yeah, I'm encouraged to continue, in little chunks that don't overwhelm. My friend is coming one more time tomorrow, and I asked her to come in the morning so I would get myself up! Which means that it's way, way past time for me to be in bed...

Weekend

Wow. Had a whole actual weekend for the first time since what, April or so? Went to a concert in IC on Friday night, slept in on Saturday, went to a friend's house and decorated cookies, went to a play, slept in and went out for brunch Sunday, had a friend over to play music and went to some neighbor friends for dinner and to share Peru experiences.

Not that my days really would be that much different from a weekend lately, but everyone around me is on a week/weekend schedule, so all the fun stuff happens on the weekends I guess. Working Saturday does cut a dent in that hangout time. But I do like cooking for people. So I guess I can enjoy the break for now.

I'm hoping to make enough stuff this week that I would have a decent amount to sell at the indoor farmer's market next Saturday. There will be a lot of competition, but if I'm sharing a table with my brother, it won't be much money down to try and make back. We'll see how it goes.

Got the Christmas tree up, I think it's going to stay. We used some fishing line to tie it to the curtain rod. Sigh. I know an artificial tree would be easier, but I do love the real ones. So far it's just lights, want to make sure it really will stay up. The first time my brother and I thought we had it, I came home and it was leaning against the window. At least it was the window and not the floor!

Fired Up and Freaked Out

Thought I was going to get to Cafe Paradiso too late today, but of course it happened exactly as it should have!

Hung out most of the morning online, T called and was super glad to catch up with her finally, one of the people on my list to call for a while now! Always good to catch up. Then I got dressed and went to Cafe P and ran into E and T who said that Ellis and Terri (oh, that's funny, they both have the same initials!) were coming over shortly and I could sit with them. J was there waiting for J (doh!) and got to catch up with him for a bit - he'd just had Thanksgiving with his fam in Disneyworld. Awesome. Then Terri and Ellis showed up and it was fun to just be part of the conversation with them.

I feel pretty at ease with them, I think they both do a good job of asking questions, they are genuinely interested in what you think about things or what your experiences are. It's not necessarily that I'd expect them to keep in touch with me all the time or something, but that in the times that I DO ever hang out with them, they are going to be really present and interested in that moment, which is pretty cool.

Sometimes when I hang out with the musicians who just performed I feel so much in awe that I'm kind of dumbstruck and just end up saying next to nothing. And when I think about it - from a skill level I normally would be dumbstruck by someone like Ellis, and I am a little, but it's so so much less than with most others. Nice.

Heard that Terri REALLY likes caramel, and Steve was trying to figure out how we could get some to her, but they were running low on theirs at the cafe. I dashed home before the workshop and got some I had from one time that I'd made a little extra. Unfortunately it had a few little crystalized bits, but it still tasted good, so I just told her that it wasn't at it's idea state but she could get the idea. Hope she likes it. :-S eeps. It really is tasty, and I made a bunch more tonight, but I didn't have any to give them before they left.

Workshop was really good. I thought I wasn't really ready for their stuff at Song School, and I'm not totally, but some of the stuff like goal setting is really useful for RIGHT NOW, so yay.

HL was at the workshop too and she was asking if I'd eaten yet and I said she was welcome to come to my house because I had all this food that I wasn't likely to cook unless it was for someone else. On our way out S was driving by, they had to go look at a keyboard for the band, so they did that and then came over, which was great because it gave me a chance to give the kitchen a once over. It had been super disaster from Thanksgiving, and I'd been hoping to have my brother and his GF over sometime this week to get my rear in gear, but now I'll just be able start from a good place already! It was also really good because I needed to make the caramel, so I was able to get everything cleaned up for that and get it going right after they left. Made a stir fry with my hacked ginger soy type sauce and rice noodles and we ate it all up. Felt good to feed some friends and get to talk and hang out and review some of what we'd learned in the workshop.

Actually played some songs tonight after they left, that felt good too. Had been hit by a big wave of loneliness and acute awareness that G was NOT home and VERY far away and had the thought that maybe playing some would make me feel better and it did! Yay! Now I just need to get more specific on some of those goals!

Well, look at that, I made it through NaBloPoMo! Something for every day. Honestly it was more like I wrote something very early, in the first hours of every day, but I back-dated most of them so it would be to the day I experienced before going to bed. But either way it turns out that I wrote something every single day. That feels really good. Feels like it sped by too! Not sure how much I'll keep it up for the next months. I have a new class starting in January for Lyric Writing and part of that will be writing something everyday for class, so I'm not sure how much time I'll have for blogging here. But I hope it'll be more frequent than lately (as in before November) because this had been very productive in terms of taking time to think things out FOR ME. So easy to get caught up in doing things for other people, or just going through life on auto pilot. It's good to stop and reflect more often.

Happy Nutloaf (plus a lot of other food) Day!

I don't eat turkey, so calling it turkey day is kind of weird for me. Though I guess a bunch of other people DO eat turkey, so it's still a turkey day or something.

Had a nice big meal with the L family as we quite often do. B & R were back from Scotland and it was super nice to see them. Had a bit of a strange while where I felt like I was just sitting on the edge of the room and G was kind of napping next to me and it was all full of people talking and I wasn't part of any of it. But shortly after that I got up and moved a tray so I could sit next to B & A and then got to talk to them for a bit and felt more like I was part of things.

I made roasted veggies which went over really well. Seems funny to me because they are SO easy, just chop up the veggies and drizzle lots of olive oil, herbs, and some onions and garlic. But people liked 'em lots! I also made vegetarian stuffing that was barely touched since there was tons more, and some cranberry sauce that wasn't even opened since there was LOTS of that. Anyway, I like both those things so I'm sure they'll be eaten soon.

The other thing people liked that I brought were these little coconut cookies, that are also super easy to make - just sweetened flaked coconut, sugar, egg whites and chopped pistachios. I think that may have been the only dessert that was completely eaten! T didn't even get any because she was too full and by the time she wasn't, they were all gone! I made them last night because I wanted to offer something to G's soccer friends who were over and I figured I could bring the rest to Thanksgiving. :) Luckily I happened to have just the right amount of pistachios on hand to make them.

It was strange to see B & R and realize we really haven't been in touch much for the whole year and a 1/2 since we visited them and how much has happened since then! It's been nearly a year since I lost my job at AS and it's still such a big part of my story. Might be time to let it go? It WAS a rather life changing event though, and it's part of the explanation of how I got to where I am now. Interesting though, to really notice, that it was almost a year ago.

Right before Christmas, when we cleaned out the whole office, and it looked so sterile and bare. Granted, I stayed on to train people, but only for 1/2 days and only from home. I still have boxes full of crap that I brought home, sitting in my little home office, taking up space. I threw out a bunch of old notebooks last month as it was infinitely clear that I would no longer need them. Some of the stuff from the office was the little knick-knacks I'd collected over the 3 years working there, little things that brightened my day or helped me get through it. I really was pretty miserable at the end...

The worst part is when you have to sit there, when there's nothing to do. I mean, there's ALWAYS something to do I suppose, but you definitely don't have the freedom to say "ok, I've done enough for today, I'm going home." And then being so tired and drained that I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to. Such a waste.

G is heading to Dubai tomorrow, and Colombia directly after that. He'll be gone for 20 days! eeps! That's pretty long. Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself busy. It'll give me plenty of time to get used to the Prius. So strange not to need to use a key, just press a button and it's on, press a button to park it. Hard to TELL if it's on because it doesn't make any noise starting up!!

Anyhoo, I'm thankful for a year of transformation, growth and figuring out boundaries and desires, many adventures and getting to see lots of friends and make some new ones. Grateful to be building relationships with people in the music world and to recognize that it's a real and valid lifestyle, not something that's shameful or crazy. Thankful for the President Elect and all he seems to be doing already in preparation for taking office. (I read something the other day about how he's going to "green" the White House, loved that! Very thankful for my amazing and supportive G who has stood by and helped me up during all my crazy figuring out of things this year. I don't think it's quite over, but getting closer!

Whoo hoo!!

This is my current Facebook status, I think it pretty much sums things up: "Heather still smells like the swimming pool 12 hours later, is wearing sparkly pants and has a Prius in the driveway!"

Oh, also I had pizza for the third night in a row, SCORE! (we bought two boboli crusts a couple days ago, made the second one tonight.)

We gave my car to some of G's friends. I'm keeping the second key till they pay me. Not that that really means anything, but um, yeah, I'm keeping it. His wife has the money in Barranquilla, and she can give it to Gilberto's mom. But then how it gets to ME is the question. G is going to Colombia after his Dubai trip, so he could get it then (that's like 2 weeks from now). We cleaned all the stuff out but didn't actually clean the car or anything. Kind of weird to just let it go today, it was my first car that was MINE, that I paid for.

I'll get to drive the Prius while G is away. Funtimes. It's like a freakin spaceship or something. The whole turning it on with a button rather than a key takes a little getting used to, as does the whole camera thing for going in reverse.

TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING!!! Gonna have dinner with old family friends. B is back from Scotland for a visit, so we've been reserved to have Thanksgiving there since forever. Several of my girl friends in the Pacific Northwest are getting together for Thanksgiving too, wish I could be in two places at once, or that there were at least transporters for quick teleportation. After all, with the 2 hour time difference, if I could be across the country in an instant, I could probably pull off 2 Thanksgivings! :D

Yes yes

Feeling incredibly content and grateful. The Rachel Ries/Anais Mitchell concert was as good as I hoped.

It was PACKED. And on Wednesday Steve had been worried it might not be a good turnout. He threatened to just shut down the cafe forever if people didn't come. He made extra posters, Heli got a Facebook event going and I added a bunch of people to it. I'm not sure who's to say those last minute things helped in packing the house but whatever it was it worked. (probably helped there wasn't really any competition to speak of tonight.)

They played the songs off the EP in order, trading the acoustic back and forth. Then they just started playing other stuff. Did a few from Anais' Folk Opera. Which I still SO want to see. Next time she puts it on out there I am getting a ticket and flying out and I am SEEING IT. dammit. So there. Any part of it I hear or see only makes me want to see it more. She borrowed Rachel's electric for one of them, the one about the Wall, and totally had fun with the whammy bar at the end. :)

Anais mentioned me at one point, because she had a song about Venus, and said something like "This is a song about a goddess, and we were on the radio - Lyrical Venus, is that right? (Rachel nods) and she's here tonight. Anyway it was so funny because Heather told us right before we went on that we couldn't both talk at the same time or it would cut out, and then she asked us a question and we were both silent." hehe. And the song rocked. I think Tim was recording. I hope so because that would be awesome to play on my show.

Rachel had a sparkly shirt and hoop earrings that were very much like mine. :) and she played Hands to Water on the piano, sooo beautiful. And told us about her boy that she got to keep and sang a song about him. And did a new one about how it might be if her grandma was still alive that was really awesome. They did an acoustic version of Shenandoah for the encore.

Only wish it had gone on longer. But it kind of did for a few of us - after most everyone cleared out of the cafe people brought out whiskey and wine and bread and olives and cheese. Somehow we started singing some Christmas carols, because the sound of the roaster was like one of those sleigh bell song beats I think, and then Tom Morgan grabbed Anais' guitar and we sang the first verse of a bunch more, because everyone knows them, but only the first verse really. Sharon sang a couple, and gave everyone some mini shoulder massages. Tim went home and got his pipes, flute & mandolin and some really amazing Italian parmesan that you break off in chunks "so as not to destroy the crystalline structure." Heli gave Rachel a crash course in knitting and Tim gave Anais a crash course in pipes.

Steve got Rachel and Anais to each do one more at the end, and Helen requested one of my favorite's of Rachel's - Summer Came, A Warning. And when Tom asked her she said that she taught herself to play guitar by being stubborn and listening to songs and figuring them out by ear, that she had no theory or fret board knowledge. Anais did a new one she said isn't finished but it was damn amazing and damn sad about a farmer trying to get the hay in before it rained and his wife was in labor and she kept telling him to go out and finish or the whole season would be lost and they could go to the hospital when he finished, but he got half the hay in and went to check on her and she was dead. I had feeling that was where the thing was going, but it still broke my heart. Apparently based on a story her dad wrote.

Told Anais that Brooke had played her song Changer (that was maybe the only one I especially wished she would have played that she didn't) at my house concert and she said what an honor and if I saw Brooke to say hello because she hadn't seen her in a long time. Not really sure when that would happen, but it's nice anyway, and I do hope Brooke comes back.

So yes, a full and happy heart have I tonight. I love it when something is as good as you hoped it would be. So often the high expectations are impossible to live up to. This was not one of those cases.

True Need or Pure Joy

My friend and one of my personal heroes - finishing Med school with THREE little boys - sent out an email this morning to our group of girlfriends asking for our good intentions to help her with her affirmation that she has good people to help her with childcare. Her husband is away on a long weekend for a continuing ed program and she's feeling the strain particularly at the moment. My reply ended up being a lot longer and more introspective than I thought! (also for those of you who don't know, my Colombia travel blog is back in business for the next couple of months, you'll find more posts on there: http://heatherincolombia.blogspot.com/)

Sending you big hugs and strength and of course I will add that to my intentions for you. I do so wish I could be there but I also know this time in Colombia is valuable and healing, and it's really quite amazing to recognize just how much the last year of work took out of me. I know you probably don't FEEL like an inspiration, but please do know that you ARE, just by being exactly you, right now, as is. And I really do trust in the universe to take care of you and your beautiful family in one way or another, because you are all such good, deserving beings.

I realize now that part of the reason I was so eager to have a baby last year is I was looking for a way out of that job that didn't require me saying for myself, "I give up on this, it's not good for me anymore and I know there is something better for me out there." Because it WAS a fabulous job up until the company was bought out, and I did so love working with my friends every day until the end. It's also scary for me to claim things for myself, and easier to just take what life throws at me. I'm really good at being resourceful and fairly terrified to even try and consider what I might want if given the opportunity to choose for myself, let alone actually ask for it! Chances are, if I HAD gotten pregnant I would have still felt I had to continue with the job anyway, and would have just been the same stressed out AND pregnant. Well, I got my wish for a way out, and a chance to be more conscious about my choices.

I still do want to have a baby, and I know it's easier on the body the younger I am, but let's face it, my body isn't in the greatest shape right now, and it would probably be better for me to get a little healthier first. And I wouldn't be able to be in Colombia if I had a little one, and I do so want to know Spanish for that little one so he or she can speak with the other half of their family, and so I can both understand and participate in that conversation. So it comes back to that trust that everything is unfolding in the way it's meant to unfold.

Being here is very interesting, observing the cultural differences. These people know how to relax, they know how to play. They seem pretty comfortable with just hanging out doing nothing much. For the first few days I just slept, rested, and settled in. Sometime around a week I had the thought, "Wow, I'm so lazy, I should get a job! I need to be doing something productive!" and then I stopped and thought, "What if you just honored this time out you are taking to rest and learn for yourself? In the scope of a life 2 months isn't all that long, and it could provide you with a whole lot of strength to be productive later on."

I've also lately been reminded about something Ani DiFranco said on the bootleg album I have (Boston 11.10.06), about how she's been learning so much from the people of her new home city New Orleans. She calls it the "white person's disease" where she thinks "oh, my life is so hard, I'm so sad," etc, and meanwhile the people of New Orleans know how to transcend and write some happy, happy music. And I notice that phenomenon here, and in G. I think when how hard life could really be is so close in your face, you recognize and value what you have, and can be happy with simple things. And it scares and saddens me a little when I see those American ways of thinking creeping into the city along with the American conveniences that really do improve lives.

I wonder what it would be like to fully extract myself from that manufactured cycle that capitalism/marketing created to convince people that they lack, and will be happy if they have more? What would it be like to create and acquire things out of true need or pure joy, rather than fear and discontent?

Wow, deep thoughts for a Saturday afternoon, and inspired from a simple reaching out... I guess I never know what's in there needing to come out! Possibly also because I haven't been able to express myself much here yet, it is a little lonely.

My official classes at the University start on Monday, that'll probably be a whole other ball of wax.

I love you all so much and I'm filled with such gratitude to have each and every one of you in my life!

Once again, wishing you lots of strength and lots of help!

With a Full Heart,
Hum

Sarah's gone.......

I'm sad. Didn't get to say a proper goodbye. Don't know when I'll get to see her again.. poop.
At least we got to hang out more this time than last time she came...

Kristi concert was awesome. Sarah Woolf, her opener was cool too. She's out and touring after several years of being sick in bed and then rehab for an arthritic type of disease. How amazing and strong. She said she has a lot of songs in open tuning and plays with her thumbs because that's what came back first... super cool! Work with what ya got, don't let anything stop you... wow. I need to do that.