Spring Dream

I had a dream last night that it was spring! All the forsythias & rhododendrons just popped into bloom on one beautifully warm day, and as I was driving around town I was so filled with delight as I passed each blooming shrub. They seemed to be extra bold, flowering explosively, it was shocking and amazing and wonderful. I wonder if any of it had to do with some big pieces falling into place yesterday on one of my big dreams... Not quite ready to share here yet, it's still rather delicate, but it feels so possible.

We really have turned the corner on winter though. I even thought maybe I saw some robins on the drive up to DM for my cousin's birthday, but I wasn't entirely sure. In any case, I know this is the time they are going to start coming, it's always February when I see them.

The Super Quick Catch Up...

Partially from an email to a friend

My trip to Colombia was so great, it was wonderful seeing my in-laws and playing with my nephews, being in warm climates (even a Caribbean island for a couple days!) and getting out of my routine in general. I have some pictures up here if you are interested, but no pressure! http://www.flickr.com/photos/hum97/

Coming home to freezing cold temperatures, and diving back into work was too much of a shock I think, and I got sick for quite a while. Being sick put me behind for Christmas, and between that and being behind already from the two week trip, things seem to have just piled up in a big way to the point I take a look at it, freak out and retreat to my silly little video games on my iPod. Add the continuing super cold temperatures, grey, nasty weather with at least a few more months of the same ahead, extra shifts at the cafe to cover for someone out of the country and having paperwork trouble getting back in and yeah, I think I'm in a bit of a depression. sigh. So, fingers crossed this guy I've been covering for at the cafe will get back to the country tomorrow, I think not having to do double shifts over the weekend will help a lot.

I am plugging along though, I started taking some guitar lessons that I very much like, and I've started seeing a Chinese herbalist/accupressurist who is helping me get more healthy. I have a potential plan to do some recording with a local friend that is really exciting. There is a local dance company going to put on a show in March with music by local musicians and one of the dancers may use one of my songs that I'd record with the friend. I'm sure I'll post/tweet about that as it happens, so hopefully it will work out.

****

My word that came to me for this year is Action. I think it's a good one. More about choosing and doing. Creating what I want in my life. Going for it. It has been hard these cold weeks to get moving, but it HAS helped me at least a few times when I've been feeling inertia. Now for that to start happening more often!

Another blog

It occurs to me that in a way, I've been doing more updating of a personal nature on my music blog. Not sure if it's of interest to anyone over here, but just in case, here's the link:

http://heathermillermusic.tumblr.com/

Lots of songwriting contests and such and posting my latest demos there.

Loving the fall. Got myself a brown corduroy jacket and feel pretty spiffy about that. :-)

Read my grandma's memoirs again tonight. Lots of little insights and sweet anecdotes. Feels like there's gotta be a song in there somewhere. Would like to do one for all my grand parents. Hopefully before they go.

Video blog!

I am so not used to doing these... Good for me to push myself out of my box a bit though I think.

Video blog about getting back from my 3rd annual trip to Rocky Mountain Song School in Lyons Colorado, including my newest song I wrote there!

Lyrics:
WITHOUT A PLAN
Back in Ohio, we plotted out five years
We couldn't make it through that first one
Sold everything that didn't fit inside a rental truck
Friends and family thought that it was crazy
When my wife and cat and I
Left without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan


Oh Arizona, I was so naive
Thought my savings would last me longer
It was in those first five months I learned how to breath
Checked out books and built our cottage daily
With my own two hands
and without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

I still remember how the rain came down that first night
How the nails poked through roof in the loft where we slept
Still remember how hard it was to keep it watertight
but July 4th, 1995, was the best day of my life
It was the day I started living without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

boo

OK, I've been trying to justify things and pretend all day, but I can't help it, I'm bummed.

House concert last night. The gal was amazing. Classically trained since she was 5, and it showed in her skill and fluency in making the keys express what she wanted to say.

7 people showed up. (Plus 3 little kids, who were adorable and very well behaved, but didn't add to the donation jar. Not that I expected them or their parents to do so at all! Just explaining why I don't really include them in the total.) My brother and I made 9 adults.

She made $56 from donations, I dropped a $5 in at the end. I think she sold 5 CDs at $10 each. So $111.

It was a weekend. There was a ton of other stuff going on. I purposefully left the time at the earlier show time that I usually do on weeknights so that people would have a chance to go out to more than one thing. You know, dinner (which you have to do anyway), music, then head out to the bar and the later starting shows.

I bought groceries and made a whole bunch of soup. Since not too many people showed up, there's a whole lot left, and we'll eat it, so that won't go to waste. Still, I probably wouldn't have spent that cash otherwise.

The house is clean, that's a bonus. Some of that comes from my amazing brother tossing a bunch of crap up in my office at the last minute while I was cooking, which also means I don't exactly know where a bunch of my stuff is at the moment. It looked like a mess, but there WAS an order to the piles... :P Not at ALL mad at him, I asked him to do that and it saved me, just mentioning that it's one more thing I now have to deal with.

I made a FB event. I made an Evite event. I interviewed her on my show, I blogged about that, and cross-posted to twitter & FB. I busted my butt to get the interview chopped to 30min before the weekend so I could have it rebroadcast. I clipped out her station ID and put her songs in the vault. I posted lots of videos of her on FB in the weeks leading up to the show to get people interested and familiar.

I paid $12 to put a few lines in the calendar page of the paper. I don't know how many people read that, but the editor has been good to me with show announcements in the past and I wanted to try and give a little back to her.

I made little quarter page flyers and handed them out during Art Walk and while I was cooking on Saturday, for the most part trying to actually talk to the people I handed the flyers to, telling them how great she was and how fun I thought the night would be. Maybe I need to work on my "pitch" but at least I was doing a pitch and not just handing them a piece of paper to ignore. Granted, it was short notice since it was the day before, but I was hoping it would be a good reminder to people who had already seen the invite online, and show that I really thought they in particular might like to come.

The one thing I didn't do that I could have was put up posters around town, but I am never sure how much good that does, ESPECIALLY for a house concert. I mean, I'm actually a believer in the poster because it creates a repeat impression on someone if they see it all over town. But I've put up posters the past few times I've had a house show and only ONCE have I gotten a call off the poster, and that person didn't end up coming anyway.

The other thing I didn't do that I just can't afford right now is take out a poster page ad, but I really can't justify that. Costs about as much as she made before I dropped in the $5! And again, not sure how much of a difference it would have made.

Several of my regular people who almost always come to everything (and a couple of them who said that they WERE going to come) didn't show up.

So yeah, I don't know.

She got free dinner, free brunch, free place to sleep. She went and picked up a bottle of wine for about $10. It's probably going to be anywhere from $25-45 for her to get to her next stop.

Averaging it out, the donations came out to about $8 per person. Sorta close to what a lot of concerts end up being around here. $8-10... The suggested donation here was $10-15, but it's completely by the honor system, a bowl by the door, so there's not supposed to be any guilt about it. And I get it. Times are tough. Part of why I DO these concerts and help taking tickets out at other shows and such is just because of that! And when you consider also that then a bunch of people bought $10 or $20 worth of CDs from her, each person or family actually did average out to more like $15 each person. $30 for a family. Plus bringing food! So yeah, I get it. Which is why I wish more people had showed up. Even if they all just gave $5 each, 15 people would have been $75, more than she got from the 7 people there.

Geesh. I really could just spin myself dizzy-sick over this. Not last night in particular, but the whole thing in general. And I'm really feeling like I'm squirming around in the nuts and bolts when I should be looking at it on a bigger level of the picture. Like, I would really like to take a poll about why people do/don't come to the shows. What keeps them from coming? Because I took her out to check out a couple of the other local venues after her show, and everyone we ran into was like "oh hey, how was the show?" So they knew about it, remembered at least after the fact... And yet didn't come.

Do they not understand what a house concert is? Do they not like the music? Are they intimidated by the suggested donation? By not being able to bring food to the potluck? I just don't get it... I mean, what should be happening is that I should be having RSPVs zooming in the second I post the invitations, and people should be happy to pay $20 to ensure they get one of the limited seats available. That's how I'd love it to be. But I suppose if there was that much demand it would be time to move to a bigger venue, or something... see? head spinning... eff.

It's not really my job to take care of her. It's hers. She made the choice to live the life. But by taking on the concert, I feel like I AM making an unspoken/semi-spoken deal that I'm going to do everything I can to make a good show happen. I don't really know what's considered a good show. She said she was happy she did it. When she first met me, she shook my hand. When she left she gave me a hug. The people who came paid attention and said they liked the songs and told her how amazing she was, and that they'd help promote if she ever came back. (my defensive hackles rose up at that remark, as if I hadn't been promoting it!!!)

By contrast, she could have been playing in a smoky bar under the TV for 3 hours for tips, gotten some greasy food from the grill and had to sleep in her car. So I guess it could have been much worse.

Maybe I'm so upset because it's seeing the reality of the life that I think and say I want. On the one hand, you could say if she played for 1.25 hrs, she made like $48 per hour, plus merch sales. But the thing is, the job is not just the playing. It's the driving and the setting up and the schmoozing with the audience and all that. Plus writing and rehearsing and booking. So lets say even that she worked for 8 hours of the day, that comes out to $7.50 per hour, plus merch sales. That is getting into working a cafe job wages per hour, plus tips if you're lucky. But at least she's making music, right? huh. And seriously, it has to be less than that because you have to pay to make the records, and there are probably lots and lots and lots of days you work more than 8 hours. But for the sake of this little post, let's just leave it at $7.5o per hour plus merch.

So like, if I'm going to even out to making minimum wage either way, which would I rather do? Is that the question?

Damn.

ergh again

Need to write. Need to sleep. Giving myself 5 minutes. Timer is set.

Had an intense week, mostly brought on by my own head. A show to promote, stress that no one would come, trying to figure out how to make sure it was well covered without making people crazy/feeling spammed. Feeling like I didn't have much support. Like I would let the people down. Running around, posters, etc.

Show came. Decent crowd who loved it. People loved it, want to come back. So all good really. Always could have been more. Felt incredibly 'effing proud during the performance, awed that it was happening, I wanted it and worked it and there it was in front of me, always at least as good and sometimes better than I expected. Goosebumps so many times. GOOD STUFF. Amazing. Holy wowzers.

But the pinch. The confusion. At the end. Differing opinions. Between a rock and a hard place. dammit. Timer's up. More later maybe. Because it's bigger than just this, ties in to a bigger theme that has been tumbling in my mind for a while, and prominently for a few days/weeks.

People are coming tomorrow. I will need to finish cleaning house. It's a good start today but much more to do.

oh, and another head tumbling thing. A new friend who needs help, but I can't distinguish between drama and danger in her reality, and not sure if she can either. Don't want to get used, don't want to abandon someone who actually needs help. Help!

Sleep.

PS It snowed 4 inches, melted away in one day. The crocuses are still fine.

PPS Really, I'm OK. This is mostly little picture stuff, and the big picture stuff I'm not worried about because I know I'll be able to think it out/write it out/work on it soon.

hrm

So the check in with the Dr went well. She reminded me of some things I already know, and she knows I know, but I don't know why I haven't been doing them. Refined a few points. I forgot to ask some questions (which always seems to happen to me in Dr offices! I just blank!) but nothing that I came away with feeling urgent about. And my cranky mood of the few days previous really lifted after. Go figure.

.5lbs and I will hit the 25lbs lost mark. That's exciting. I'm getting back clothes I haven't worn in a few years, also exciting. I sort of got rid of a bunch of stuff in the past year that I didn't really think I'd wear again, and I'm suddenly wishing I still had. Really only a few things though. I was pretty good about evaluating if I really liked the items even when they did fit, and only hanging on to stuff I actually liked.

Still have a few ups and downs, but generally better.

Thought I was going to get a raise at one of my jobs and found out that I'm already being paid at the rate they wanted to raise me to! ha! I really thought I was getting less but it must just be the stuff they have to withhold. I'm glad they thought I was worth it, and they did say they would try to bring it up later if they can.

Did find out that the money situation at my other job is actually better than I thought and everyone involved was happy about that, so good deal there.

Bought a hip-hop exercise video to try out at home. It was $9 so I figure even if I only ever do it 3 times I will have gotten my money's worth since it's $4 to go to the gym. Tried it out the other day and had fun even though I felt a bit like a doofus and the rug was slipping around. Next time I will roll up the rug, and having done the moves once, they should be easier. And in any case I broke a sweat and enjoyed myself which are really my main personal requirements for exercise these days.

I CANNOT WAIT until it's warm and dry enough to do stuff outside like walk and bike!! The time is approaching! The snow has melted and that teeny, tiny bit of green is creeping up through the dead grass.

Did some lovely work with my mom on ancestors. Learned a lot there, and we'll do more in the coming weeks.

Repotted a bunch of houseplants and they are SO happy! New leaves already!

Brother has started putting cardboard out in the garden to keep the weeds/grass from growing up, hopefully sparing us some digging/tilling headaches. We'll need to start our seeds soon!

Realizing I need to try and sort out my summer plans pretty soon here. Funds are in serious short supply and as a caretaker I don't take leaving the person who needs my help lightly! Plus since I don't have any paid vacation, when I don't work, I'm not only spending money, I'm missing out on making it. (A neglected fact that slightly tripped us up after Peru, sigh.)

Found out today a cousin in CA is getting married in May. Have known for a while that one of my best friends from college is graduating in May in Portland, which will also be the time when the other girls (who can) from that group will gather. Best friend since grade school is getting married in August and I am IN that wedding, which beautifully dovetails both time and location-wise with my trip to Song School in CO. At least 3 if not 5 of my family are going to the CO wedding. Not sure who can afford what and how long everyone can stay, and the cabins we're suggested to rent require a 4 night minimum. And then I'm staying for an extra week after that for Song School and Folks Fest. So yes, transportation, lodging, logistics, people to cover for me while I'm gone all need to be figured out. Ay yi yi.

Have a few writing projects that I volunteered for, plus homework still to catch up on. All of it at once is kind of freaking me out and leading to procrastination. argh. Nothing new, just nerve-wracking since now it's not only me who wants the things done but others as well! eek! And some of it is to promote shows coming through, people I'm sort of sponsoring/supporting and I really want the shows to be successful! And I know I'll feel so personally responsible if they're not! wahhh.

Deep breath, time to sleep.

oh crap... daylight savings. what time is it really now? yikes. I WAS doing better with bedtime for a couple days there.

grrr

Been having a couple of down/rough days. Not sure what that's about. Wrong time for PMS. Maybe just thoroughly tired myself out from staying up waaaay too late for the past couple of weeks.

It's been 2 months since I started with the diet and I'm feeling a bit worn down on it at the moment. Hungry actually. Which just started happening in the past couple of days too. My mom suggested that it may be some specific taste I'm missing out on as a result of calorie reduction and to try out those different tastes (Sweet, Sour, Salty, Bitter, Pungent, and Astringent) to see if one seems to satisfy. Will have to experiment with that a little more in the next few days.

The weight loss has slowed down too, (which is not unexpected really, it's always the most drastic when you first start) and I am realizing what a long haul this is going to be, and the thought of that tires me out at the moment. Along with realizing that I will probably at some point have to reduce calories even further. ugh. I know it will be worth it for so many reasons, and it's VERY encouraging to have gotten such a nice jump start, but just right now I'm worn down.

Music blog and radio show seem to be ramping up a bit. That is good. (though still trying to catch up on back shows, and starting to feel a bit more pressure to be more professional or something). Job is good. Spring is coming, VERY GOOD.

Sorta caught up on a few online music lessons, progress, but still not caught up and need to not fall FARTHER behind. argh.

But for now, I have to get up early for Dr check-in tomorrow. So I am going to bed. Semi sorta early for my past few weeks. blegh.

Interesting idea

I was talking with my friend who I have been helping out as a caretaker about guitar and how I struggle with getting myself to practice, how I couldn't figure out what was my deal with that.

She suggested to try just practicing, and rather than squash those rebellious or guilty or whatever feelings, just allow them to come - feel them through, let them play out. Rather than trying to think it out with the intellect, that rebellious side might actually provide information about "why?" from an emotional standpoint if I allow it to speak. And whether I then work it through intellectually or emotionally, it may not matter because the energy just needs to be shifted and the WAY it gets shifted isn't as important as the shifting.

It sounds like a really good way to approach this, and certainly different from the same old, same old, which hasn't gotten me anywhere yet, has it?

Now comes the actual getting myself to sit down and do it... heh

In any case, her depth of clarity and insight continually inspire me. What a blessing to learn so much while helping her get around town and get things done around the house. We are both helping each other quite a lot I think. Pretty cool.

P.S. Making the bed every day is working! Plus I just feel good when I walk by and see it all orderly looking. :-)

Bits and Pieces

We were putting up plastic on the laundry room windows tonight and as part of my continuing de-clutter mission I picked up a stack of papers and went through it. Ticket stubs, newspapers from 2007, financial things, manuals, receipts from our UK trip.

I found it. The resume I used to get the "big job" all those years ago. Looking it over, I don't feel so bad or cranky that they couldn't find the copy I had given them on file anywhere for when they let us all go. I (probably, I hope I) would have started over anyway. It's charming, and I do want to hold on to it, but I've come soooo far since then. Wow.

And yet here I am, (is it two or 3 years later?) without a full time job. I am mostly ok with this. It's kind of a rotten time to be looking for a job anyway. We are mostly doing fine. I am getting by on my part time stuff. The caretaker position is going pretty well so far I think. She is happy to have me. I want to make sure I am really providing service and I feel a little lost sometimes, making it up as I go, not sure who to ask if I have questions.

I know if I wanted to go back to a big office job that 1) I'd still be further along than I was in that resume I found tonight, even if it's been a while between "real" jobs. 2) I'd have to figure out a way to make those "inactive" years look good/productive 3) As long as I stay in FF, the chances of me getting an office job based more on my reputation as opposed to a resume are extremely high.

But that's a big if, the wanting to go back to a big office job. A little one, maybe. A big one, notsomuch...

The thing that has been eating away at me is here I am, I carved out this life with time for working on music, I took out a big loan to study it, and I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week class, and I've only done the first week's work?!?! What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been really confused lately about music and the music world and my place in it. I know, I've been really confused about it in one way or another for years now, but this has been picking at me more insistently lately. It's the conflict between two big pieces of advice/schools of thought, whathaveyou that both make sense to me on their own but I can't figure how to hold them both. The "Just create - sit down at the table and do the work. You take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." concept and "If you want to be successful in music, you have to create something AMAZING. If you can't create something AMAZING, don't bother. Don't waste your time or anyone else's" idea that makes good business sense.

I know, I know. I'm allowed to make art for art's sake. I have to start somewhere before I even have a chance at being any good. But I was reading something on a musician's blog about how there is a lot of well produced crap out there, and they are thinking it's because no one is giving these DIY-ers a honest evaluation of their work... And that's just it for me. How do I know when someone is telling me the truth? And how do I take it when people don't say anything? My "jump to worst conclusion first because anything other than that will be better" reaction assumes that they aren't saying anything because they hate it/think it's dumb/don't want to hurt my feelings, which makes me afraid to ask for real feedback. Because if it's so bad they don't say anything, what is that awful thing they are not saying? eff.

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I am still waiting for that magical person who I will be able to trust is telling me the truth to tap me on the head with a gold glitter star wand and tell me I'm worthy. That the work is worth doing because it WILL pay off in the end. I don't want to be the charity case. I don't want to be the one they grudgingly let in the show/chorus/band and then freak out about at the last second and stick me in the back row.

I need a mentor/cheerleader/coach so bad right now. Someone to remind me of my strengths and guide me through the exercises I need to build up my weak parts. Someone who understands the mindf*&% of being an artist and can talk me down from the worked up froth in my brain. Someone who will help hold me accountable to doing the woodshedding. Someone who will listen, and who will ASK me the right questions to draw me out, get me excited and encouraged and hopeful.

ergh

I am tired.

Two days of cooking in a row. Today was the super marathon. I just don't know what we can do to make it go faster for people. 45 minutes is too long to wait for food, but we're cooking as fast as we can. Not enough space, not enough griddle space.

I counted 50 order sheets. Some sheets had more than one item on them... Of course people don't come in an even flow, but saying they did, that's approximately 10 orders per hour, which means to fit them all in we only get 6 minutes per order. Which is not enough time to cook any of the things we make. And of course we get huge onslaughts all at once. There were less people today than last week. Probably because we were too slow and they don't want to come back.

My brain just keep spinning, trying to figure out the answer to the problem. The thing is, we are very nearly maxed out on cooking space, so to me it keeps coming down to expectation. We only have so much capacity. In a big restaurant, they have X # of tables, and if they are full, they won't even seat you until they are ready to take your order. And of course they spread things out, giving you drinks first, appetizers and then food... We're not a ready to go buffet, we cook each thing to order. But somehow we have more tables than we can cook for at once. So they get their coffee and expect to eat within 20 minutes, but if we're backed up, we have to get through the orders first. If we were able to tell them accurately, "Look, it's going to be 45 minutes, if you feel like waiting." Maybe if we also had more ready-to-go stuff, like the quiche and just more scones, we didn't have enough of those today.

I don't know. I'm kind of depressed. I need to not take it personally. I really am doing everything I can to go as fast as I can! The problem is when people get hungry they get cranky too. geesh. Anyway. It's over for a week. We'll see what happens next time.

I just took a break and looked up some omelet recipes and videos. I think I'm doing it wrong because all the recipes seem to say they should only take a few minutes and mine take much longer. I think it's because I'm not letting the egg run under to cook up faster... that's probably it. dammit. It's a bit harder to control in the big griddle thingy though... Need to figure that out.

I'm wiped out physically and emotionally and mentally. I have some music homework to do but I just don't have any juice. I think it'll be better to go to sleep now and get up and do it in the morning. drats.

Oh, and they announced the winners of the script contest. Not me. Both the 2 winners and the 2 runners up were all guys. 16 people entered. Anyway, I'm glad I did it. Hope I will do more. Though at the moment between that, trying to do my music homework and feeling stupid, and feeling like I failed brunch, I really could use a pep talk. I have the "what's the point of even trying if you're just going to fail?" tape playing at loud volume in my head right now.

Well THAT was interesting...

So. hrm. What a day.

Found out I didn't get a part in the play. It's ok, I'm really looking forward to watching it! and I appreciate that they told me clearly and right away. Other productions I've auditioned for have sometimes not figured it out for weeks, and then sometimes just not said anything to the people not cast, which is weird and ambiguous and frustrating. So there, clean, done, no worries, moving on. I'm not sure I would have really had time for the rehearsals anyway. Well, I would have made time, but it may have been stressful. He did say he thought I read well, and hoped to work with me in the future, which was good to hear.

The Dr visit was not what I expected. I got in there and she told me that my thyroid was normal but she thought I was right and that she was going to give me a little boost for losing weight - as in, she prescribed me pills for it! Which was confusing because when I told her last month that yes I thought I could use some help with losing weight, I meant more like moral support or something, I never thought I was asking for drugs... She asked if I'd ever taken diet pills before and I said that I had for a little bit in college (it was an herbal thing) but it made me jittery. She told me that it was like speed (?! I'm now a little confused if she meant this or if she meant the stuff I'd tried before), that I was going to do just fine with it and probably would like it a lot, that other people are really happy with the results. She listened to my breathing/heart, looked at my eyes and glanced at my right shin (?!). Said I needed to exercise 30 minutes a day but no more than 15 of weight bearing so as not to put stress on the leg joints that might accelerate arthritis, and also to keep a food & exercise journal and come in for monthly follow up visits where they will weigh and measure inches and bring that journal to get a refill of the prescription.

Whoa.

I mean seriously, just the diet and exercise journal and having to come in to get measured would surely do something. I've fluctuated a lot since I was a teenager, but I gained a LOT of weight during corporate life. I haven't gained any in the two years since, just haven't lost any, but then I haven't TRIED to lose any either.

I went and got the pills, and then realized afterward that I have all these questions and I'm a bit nervous for the side effects, that I might get addicted, that I would just gain all the weight back after going off them, etc.

G and I spent some time today reading online reviews from users who all had mixed results, including some who had experiences that verified my fears. Some loved it, some didn't find that it worked. Some had to BEG their doctors to prescribe it, and mine goes ahead when I didn't even ask. And she has a background in natural medicine. I just can't quite figure out where she stands now...

On the other hand, if they could just give me a little boost, head start, get me on the right track, that could be encouraging, right? At the moment it just seems like so daunting a task to even start. And how dangerous are the side effects compared to the side effects of being too heavy, especially the older I get? I just don't know.

Anyway, she left and had the nurse come in and take my starting measurements. The nurse was about to leave when I asked her if I could have a copy of my labs and she seemed surprised that I hadn't heard the results yet, but she went and got the paper for me. Everything was normal/fine. As usual. I should be grateful that I continue to be healthy/normal when it comes to the lab work in the past couple of years. I am!

So, today I started using a nice little journal program on my iPod that helps you count calories and exercise. I went to the pool and did 45 minutes (15 extra minutes so I could earn more calories back for dinner!) of swimming/water walking (when the kids came in and needed the deep end for swim practice) and then had 10 minutes in the hot tub. I had a small dinner and two cups of herbal tea and I am still hungry. This is going to take some getting used to. The first days are always the worst. I just want this to be permanent. I'm done. I'm tired of being this way.

I decided my words for the year were "release" and "abundance". I couldn't pick just one. Just "release" was too scary, but "abundance" on its own didn't seem powerful or motivating enough. When I participated in a Peruvian ceremony for the new year, I asked specifically that I have an abundance of sweetness in my life that would satisfy my cravings for it so that I didn't feel so compelled to literally eat things, but I wouldn't feel deprived - I would have that sweetness and satisfaction in my life in other ways. I released the heavy energy I no longer needed, asking Mother Earth to help me transform it, compost it for new harvests. So that is part of the reason I am going to give these pills a try. Maybe this is part of some divine plan, a big jump start/reset button that is coming to me NOW, rather than any time previous. I don't remember specifically asking my Dr for this kind of help, but wow, now I am remembering, did I ever ask the universe. Indeed. Yikes...

Let's see what happens. People HAVE lost weight before and kept it off. Both of my parents and one of my brothers for instance. Which should bode well for me, right?

Oh, and I start a new semester of online music classes today. I got a teacher I had previously who I really like, so that's good. I'm excited to see how much I've learned combining with the new techniques they are teaching us in this one.

New Year, New Decade

And so it is. 2010. I have survived the holidays. Now time for the post holiday catch-up on things I meant to do (send cards?), plus try and focus on the new things I want to do. One of the things I want to do is get clear on what my ideal income producing situation would be.

Because:

1. That way when someone asks me what I want to do, I can tell them and they can put out feelers for me too

2. I can have more focus in pursuing this ideal situation

3. The universe supports clarity and purpose

Someone posted this astrology thing about Mars being retrograde through March. I really related to it, wowzer. Made me feel a whole lot better somehow.

Just spent the weekend working at the Cafe. Two days in a row is kinda brutal, but I could REALLY use the money right now, so I'm gearing up and powering through to do this the next couple weekends as well to fill in while P is on vacation. It also rather sucks because I'm on the opposite schedule of most other people - working on the weekend and not working during the week. So all manner of rehearsals and such run into conflict in one way or another generally.

Like I ran off to an audition for a very cool play directly after finishing up the food for the baristas (who worked a killer shift, longer than they are used to on a Sunday, I couldn't say no to them). I was an hour and a half late but I'd written ahead to say so and there were still plenty of people and scenes they were running through. I read two scenes for the same character, with two different guys. I can't tell if I was any good or not. I was all greasy from the grill, I would have liked to dress a little better, but I didn't have time for it really. I don't know that I look the part. One of the characters wants to sleep with her, so that has to be plausible. There were tons of other girls there and while that was the only part I could play, they could take that one or any of the others. And I'm working next week for the first read-through. So who knows. Seems like they will be pretty quick to cast though if the first read-through is next week.

Another song for the concert at the end of the month rehearsed today, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway, and another song beyond that is rehearsing next Sunday when I won't be able to go, so I'm quite sure I won't get a solo for that one, which is also ok. The point being though, that again, there is the rehearsal during work hours thing coming up, grrr.

Got an email that they wouldn't be training for coffee at the new cafe for a while, probably till they catch up on the remodeling expenses, so I don't know what that means for how soon I could be getting more hours there. grah.

I could teach another improv class. I could do a concert. I could make stuff and put it up on the web for sale, though that seems the least lucrative, unless I had something REALLY original, which I don't. And even then.

Part of me wants to run away to Austin and take lessons at the music school one of my blog buddies goes to and teaches and helps out. Just focus on the guitar stuff mostly, see if I have any sort of chance with it. Seems like I should be able to do that here, but it just hasn't happened yet. Maybe this is the year. I just wish someone could tell me if I have a fraction of a chance and if it's worth all the effort, because if I don't, then I could probably be happy not stressing on it and having it be a hobby...

G suggested I make a list of everything I think I would need to make more of a go at it with my music blog. Even if it was earning $20 a month, that would be something!! It's quite established by now, maybe it IS time to check out some of those tips and apply them and see what happens... One of the things on the list might be a consult with a more pro type person to give me some perspective. I'm too close to it...

Going to the Dr tomorrow to find out about some lab results. They didn't call me ahead of my scheduled appointment, so I'm sure there won't be anything serious, but she was checking for levels on things like B12, folic acid and thyroid and I forget what else. ugh.

Learning, learning, learning

So. Saturday. I think it went pretty well. I ended up singing with someone who was already in the show and already knew and loved the song. He's much more experienced than I am with guitar so it was nice to have him play and just be able to focus on the vocals and projecting. He was doing a different version of the song, so I'm not sure exactly how it fit together when we sang the same last verse, I tried to follow him, but we only had an hour or so to work on it a few hours before the show. In any case, the producers liked it, and I felt strong and confident in what it was, I totally had fun and let go of it being any more than we had time to do in the time we had.

The emcee totally dissed the song before we came on, saying he wondered why it was in the show at all and then found out backstage just before coming on that it had also been covered by someone famous/cool, so maybe he was ok with it now or somthing. It was weird. Especially since it was ON the list of possible songs to sing sent out by the producer, not just something I came up with! It was good to get feedback from people later about various things because it helped me see a little more objectively which parts were coming down to a matter of taste, and that maybe next time I can be a little more confident in my opinions, in saying, "That's nice, but this is the way *I* want this to happen", sort of a thing. If there is a next time. I'm soooo glad I did it, but not sure if that is the arena for me to pursue... We'll see. I felt really comfortable up there, natural. I wasn't nervous afterward. I did get good feedback from a bunch of people, even after the night, which I always consider to be the true test. If they see you later and say something, when you didn't even know if they were there or not, that means they didn't HAVE to say it so you know it's genuine.

I did my warm-up routine that afternoon before rehearsing, I think that is part of what helped. Also that the sound guy told me as we were prepping - "just get right up on the mic, don't be afraid!" somehow that snapped something in me (in a good way!) and I just went for it.

Also, surprise, surprise (not really!), turns out I was PMSing on Christmas Eve, so yeah, it was a crummy situation, but that helped me feel like I was not a true, terrible basket case/lost cause (just a temporary one) and that I might in fact be able to handle more of this kind of stuff than I thought - on good days at least. It seems unfair that the PMS so often turns up as me questioning my whole right to exist and be happy and follow my dreams. Rotten sabotager!!

Got to hang out with J while she did a few errands/appointments in IC yesterday. Nice to reconnect, nice to talk about art/acting/singing and fears and insecurities and hopes and see how much it's the same and also how much I've moved ahead by working through The Artist's Way. Also goes to show it doesn't really matter where you live as an artist. The same drama and headtrips, internal and external, happen in small towns and big cities alike.

The last couple weeks have also been just showing me how effective the tools I have are, IF I USE THEM. The journaling, the singing warm up. They work. It's all simple, useful, much less drama, I have them already! Not hard! The thing that's in my way is my head and more and more often I'm seeing that and just tired of it. So good. Progress. Sheesh.

I wrote a screenplay over the past couple of days and submitted it to a local contest. It's super short format, I may have even made it too long. Two pages over the "minute per page" rule, but it's hard to tell how long it would be when acted out. I hope it still qualifies. Hard to know. I have no idea if it's any good. Maybe it's stupid. But I freaking wrote a screenplay! Are you kidding me??? Who am I?

Part of me says I'm dinking around, distracting myself from songwriting, thinking that maybe screenwriting is easier only because I haven't done it before and don't know all the things I need to know, being too naive. Part of me says "You're a writer. There are many formats available for storytelling and for this story you chose a screenplay."

It's a simple little thing. Not much happens. I wonder if there's even enough time for all the action AND the dialogue to happen in the allotted time. But part of me is hoping that the simple is beautiful, that it's a little snapshot of "Oh, I recognize a little bit of me there, I don't feel so alone." Not world changing or funny or gimmicky, no twist at the end really. It might not be enough for the contest judges, but I feel good to have done it. I'm not attached.

I'll know by the middle of next month if anything comes of it with this contest, if not, maybe I'll post it somewhere. Dunno...

Anyway, been really terrible about sleep lately, gonna try to bump it up by a little tonight, maybe a half hour per night and get back in the swing of things. Silly holidays throwing everything all out of wack. Or me allowing that as an excuse at least... hrmph.

bruised

So apparently the directors thought my song sounded "too thin" and want to add people to it. There's a girl who plays banjo back in town for the holidays who is going to see if she thinks she can do it and call me in the morning to figure out more stuff. I'm mad at the timing. Why did they let it go this long before "auditioning" me? Now it's 2.5 days before the show, and one of those days is Christmas and half of the other day I'll be working.

I won't deny that I am pretty heartbroken. I've been working hard for a while now on this one song and while I have had bouts of nervousness, I had gotten to a point that I felt good about it. Not fancy, brassy or loud, but sweet and heartfelt and honestly delivered. I wanted to be good enough the way I am, loved and appreciated for my uniqueness. I mean, the song was sung by a frog puppet fer crying out loud, it's not like his voice was all that full. He did have a string section backing him up, but where would I find something like that on short notice?

Tempting as it is to completely hand off the song to someone else, crawl into a hole and die, I'll keep trying till Saturday to work something out so they like it by adding more voices and stuff. If this is really what I want to do, I need to start putting myself out there and actually doing it. I guess if nothing else I'll find out faster if it's going to work or not and if not, the faster I can move on to something else.

This is where that line gets weird and blurry of "Be your creative self" that the books and teachers say who are trying to encourage artists. It's one thing to be yourself by yourself, it's quite another to have other people pay attention while you are being creative, and yet another thing to be in a situation where you don't get to call the shots, where someone else is in control and has the last word.

But part of being an artist IS sharing the things you do.

Am I too soft for this? Am I not good enough? Not ready? Delusional? Because eff - if I am embarrassing myself, don't play nice with me, don't mess with my head. That's not doing me any favors.

I'm exhausted. Two super late nights in a row trying to do cookies and stuff, and now I'm not even sure if I have it in me to finish off the effort to plate everything up. G likes the gingersnaps, he'd eat them all eventually...

cooooookies!

Dang, I went to Everybody's and forgot the ingredient I needed for the tarts. I have very nearly all the other two types of cookies I prepped last night baked off. One batch in the oven and one more after that. The problem with mass producing lots of little cookies is it takes a LOOOOONG time. Sigh. They are tasty though!

The Cafe did it! Opened today! They still have work to do finishing stuff up, but they had tables and chairs and the espresso machine working and I got there in time for the last scone. It's still kind of paint/lacquer fume-y in there, but that will go away soon I'm sure. It appears they opted out of having kitchen space. I guess I'll find out some things when I go in on Saturday to cook brunch. I just found out tonight they have a basement, which you access through a trap door in the floor in front of the stage, and that is where they have the refrigerators they had in their second room at the old place. Seriously????? It's a major bad set up for anyone cooking. Possibly much worse than before actually, when I'm thinking about it. In the old space, the cooking area was right next to the fridge and sink and stuff. Now there's the whole bar in-between. You'd likely have to walk through the coffee line to get to the fridge and sink now, or even go open the trap door to restock?!?!?! Good geesh. It's just not their priority I guess. I'm sure there are work-arounds, but it's going to take some figuring out. sigh.

Put up some posters for a musician's show. Went to OTM with L to see New Moon again. Realized I pretty much didn't want to see most of the first part of the movie. Frustrating and sad part of the story. Totally team Jacob at the moment. :D We pondered how they were going to pull off the other two books, as the story-line strays farther and farther from reality... Hoping they invest more in their CGI. Got home, let the dog I'm taking care of this week out and gave it dinner. (It eats baby carrots for dinner, how cute is that?!) Went and borrowed a mic stand so I can practice the song with something in front of my face cuz that's a whole different ball game.

They were reading The Littlest Angel on the radio tonight. I had read/heard it before, but long enough ago that I didn't really remember how it ended. Pretty beautiful. There are so many versions of the story - a young/poor person doesn't have anything to give as a gift to the Christ Child, but they give the best they have. They either realize their gift is shabby and try to sneak it in, or they suddenly see their gift next to all the glorious glitzy other presents and freak out in embarrassment. "What was I thinking, that I/my gift was worthy?! I'm so ashamed!" But then because their gift was given from the heart, God takes it and proclaims it worthy, and then suddenly the gift is elevated to pretty much being one of the best gifts of all, or is even transformed into something super fancy as a reward for being humble and honest. It gave me hope for the concert this weekend. Even if I'm not as shiny and loud as a lot of the other performers, I still have something to offer and it's worthy. Tomorrow is the run-through/rehearsal. Which means I have to do a good job. I'm not as nervous as I was a few days ago, but geesh. Pressure...

Once again, the internet proves to be awesome

I think I've mentioned before, but I freaking love the internet.

I have a song to play, it's a big deal, in front of people, I don't want to mess it up. I've been cobbling together chords from various guitar and uke tabs to come up with something that works, that I can play, without having to train a bunch of new chord shapes into my hands in the few short weeks I have had to rehearse. I finally came up with a version that was working pretty well, but it had that damn B minor that I have had a hard time hitting since forever, doesn't matter the song. I would work it over and over these past couple weeks, with the two chords before and the one after, trying to train it in, but it's still been hit or miss. I was starting to freak out. I don't want to biff it, either in the performance or at the rehearsal/run through and have them take away the opportunity.

So finally, rather than looking up chord finders for the 3rd time, I just put the words into google - "substitution for b minor guitar chord" and low and behold, some person who is now my eternal hero has totally saved my ass by giving me a very workable alternative that my fingers are hitting consistently within minutes of learning it. THANK YOU INTERNET! THANK YOU PERSON! Not only that, this posting is from two years ago. So it's like, THANK YOU PERSON FROM TWO YEARS IN THE PAST!!! Time travel-ish?? hrmm. VERY COOL EITHER WAY! :D

It's stuff like this that reminds me again and again, just TRY putting in your exact question to the search box. Sometimes I try to get all fancy and try to figure out how the internet thinks so I can put in some magic, contorted combination of words to get what I want, when so often I only have to ask it exactly as I normally would, and BINGO! Done.

And I still have two more days before the run-through. My calluses are getting good again. By Saturday I will be golden.

WHAT THE HECK, FRIDAY IS CHRISTMAS?!!! And right now is my brother's birthday? eeks.

PS Made $15 in tips cooking today. But I am freaking tired, feet, back, neck. But I had fun. We were wearing red and green aprons, Barista was wearing green, I got cashier to put on a red apron so we were all xmas. I don't know how many people noticed other than the ones I told, but it was still fun. Also I will start working Saturdays again this week in the new place, so that will be nice to have that back. Whew.

Weekend

Wow. Had a whole actual weekend for the first time since what, April or so? Went to a concert in IC on Friday night, slept in on Saturday, went to a friend's house and decorated cookies, went to a play, slept in and went out for brunch Sunday, had a friend over to play music and went to some neighbor friends for dinner and to share Peru experiences.

Not that my days really would be that much different from a weekend lately, but everyone around me is on a week/weekend schedule, so all the fun stuff happens on the weekends I guess. Working Saturday does cut a dent in that hangout time. But I do like cooking for people. So I guess I can enjoy the break for now.

I'm hoping to make enough stuff this week that I would have a decent amount to sell at the indoor farmer's market next Saturday. There will be a lot of competition, but if I'm sharing a table with my brother, it won't be much money down to try and make back. We'll see how it goes.

Got the Christmas tree up, I think it's going to stay. We used some fishing line to tie it to the curtain rod. Sigh. I know an artificial tree would be easier, but I do love the real ones. So far it's just lights, want to make sure it really will stay up. The first time my brother and I thought we had it, I came home and it was leaning against the window. At least it was the window and not the floor!

New Song! Winter Time

I gave myself an assignment last night, to write, record and post a seasonal song. At the last minute I added one more requirement, that I use my partial capo. It came out pretty fast, maybe 20-30 minutes. I'm still liking it a day later, so that's a good sign I think, and it's gotten a pretty good reception on Facebook. In a moment of inspiration while recording, I threw on my hat from Peru and my fingerless glove (thanks Nandi, a million times over! I've been using them a lot these days!), which got me a bit more in the mood because it only took a few tries after that. :)

I just used my built-in computer mic, lyrics are below.



WINTER TIME
Frost is creeping
Up my window
Trying to keep it from my heart
You are sleeping... See More
But I can't go
Frozen here before I start

It's winter time
winter time

Days of summer
Words unspoken
Echo through my lonely head
Barefoot pavement
Sunburn peeling
Layers of an angry red

but
It's winter time
winter time

I'm looking for the light
to get me through this night
put a candle in the window for me

It's winter time
winter time
winter time
~ Heather Miller-Rodriguez 12/9/09

Snow

It's hard to conceive that just yesterday, YESTERDAY, I walked up to the civic center for a Christmas concert in my fleece and a hat and gloves and I was fine, and today the ground is all covered in snow!

Between the awesome concert and the white landscape, it's got me in quite the Christmassy mood, which is good. I think the snow without the concert preceding it would have had me mopey.

We're supposed to get a crazy winter storm tomorrow and for the next day too I think though, so let's hope the concert is powerful enough to keep spirits up through that! :) No pressure.