The Super Quick Catch Up...

Partially from an email to a friend

My trip to Colombia was so great, it was wonderful seeing my in-laws and playing with my nephews, being in warm climates (even a Caribbean island for a couple days!) and getting out of my routine in general. I have some pictures up here if you are interested, but no pressure! http://www.flickr.com/photos/hum97/

Coming home to freezing cold temperatures, and diving back into work was too much of a shock I think, and I got sick for quite a while. Being sick put me behind for Christmas, and between that and being behind already from the two week trip, things seem to have just piled up in a big way to the point I take a look at it, freak out and retreat to my silly little video games on my iPod. Add the continuing super cold temperatures, grey, nasty weather with at least a few more months of the same ahead, extra shifts at the cafe to cover for someone out of the country and having paperwork trouble getting back in and yeah, I think I'm in a bit of a depression. sigh. So, fingers crossed this guy I've been covering for at the cafe will get back to the country tomorrow, I think not having to do double shifts over the weekend will help a lot.

I am plugging along though, I started taking some guitar lessons that I very much like, and I've started seeing a Chinese herbalist/accupressurist who is helping me get more healthy. I have a potential plan to do some recording with a local friend that is really exciting. There is a local dance company going to put on a show in March with music by local musicians and one of the dancers may use one of my songs that I'd record with the friend. I'm sure I'll post/tweet about that as it happens, so hopefully it will work out.

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My word that came to me for this year is Action. I think it's a good one. More about choosing and doing. Creating what I want in my life. Going for it. It has been hard these cold weeks to get moving, but it HAS helped me at least a few times when I've been feeling inertia. Now for that to start happening more often!

When You Look Good, You Feel Good

That's what the message on Meredith Hirsch's phone says when you call for a haircut. It's this guy with a great British accent (except I think maybe it's actually a New Zealand accent, but anyway...)

And it's freakin' true! I didn't do anything drastic, just got the ends trimmed up and most importantly my bangs! They get to that point where they get long and drive me nuts falling in my eyes and I can't seem to do anything with them. She said I can come in for just a bang trim between cuts, and maybe I'll be able to do that more easily now that I work down the hall.

Also got my eyebrows waxed. It's so much better when someone does it for you. None of the psyching myself up 20 times for peeling it off. Pretty quick and painless. And then it looks lovely! Subtle to most people I think, if they even notice it at all, but a whole world of difference to me.

I'd been feeling kind of shaggy for a while, but it's been sort of a money/schedule thing. Plus being married to someone who tells me I'm pretty even when I feel completely wrecked, and working in an office full of guys and I don't really feel the pressure to look fabulous. Kind of sad really. And funny.

Being around girls in the office at AS definitely kept my standards up. There are some girls who are always super fashionable and therefore exhausting to try and keep up with, but at AS no one was terribly rich so we all worked our own styles but we were all at about a Target price point that was comfortable but fun.

But now, at least for a while, I'll be able to ride the haircut and feel good about myself for that.

Getting increasingly frustrated with myself for feeling like I have so much knowhow or at least ideas of the business/marketing side of music, but no product (as in solid songs) to test them out on. Oh sure, I've written plenty of songs, but I don't feel confident about hardly any of them. I told Sharon my goal was to build up a solid half hour set that I felt really good about and could always have in my back pocket for things like the feature at the open mic, or playing at the ArtWalk, or opening for someone. Or like today when we stopped by the new Cafe Paradiso branch at Everybody's and Meret mentioned I could probably play a set if I wanted tomorrow or Saturday during their grand opening, and I said I didn't think I had 20 minutes worth of anything solid. And I've made this goal for myself weeks ago and I have ONE song that I feel good about so far?!!?

What stops me from practicing? Is it the fear that if I actually get good enough I'll have no excuse not to go out and play? And then what if I fall on my face then? It'll be because of my songs, people not liking them. But there I go taking it so personally. It's hard, because the songs ARE so personal, so from the heart. But more and more I'm realizing that it's also about putting on a show, taking that step back from being attached to something and giving it a proper showcase.

It's the difference between taking some snapshots and posting them online, and putting a frame on a printed out picture and hanging it on a wall. It's not that the printed out picture has to lose any of the raw emotion you captured when you took it, but giving it a frame and a place on a wall is adding a level of deliberateness that says "Here, look at this, I care about it. It meant enough to me that I think it might be worth your time and attention too, so I'm going to make that experience of looking at it as easy and pleasant as possible for you as I know how."

It's being less attached to how people are going to interpret it and more attached to delivering it to them the best way I know how. Like cooking a meal for someone - I can do my best to not undercook, overcook or burn it, I can use the best ingredients I can afford, I can even arrange it on the plate to look beautiful and place it in front of them. But I can't chew it for them (thanks Ron Browning for that analogy!). Nor can I control if their taste buds are more predisposed to prefer salty or sweet flavors. And if they need to add a little salt to make their eating experience more enjoyable, it's not a personal attack on me or my cooking.

So yes, I'm learning about taking a step back, about detaching the little hooks but still keeping it fresh and honest. But I still need to practice. To work on the craft, to woodshed. But it's this damn internet that eats up my time. I need to find a way to balance that out.

spinning spirals

My head is spinning spinning
My heart is spiraling spiraling
Down

Just saw Jenna's dance master thesis last night and it was AMAZING! *She* is amazing!! It was a very visceral experience that I'm not finding any better descriptive words for at the moment, but I was so happy for her, proud of her, proud to be something of a friend. Even if we don't talk much or anything - I barely see her except at her performances and the occasional time she comes to FF. Anyway, she was radiant and skilled and present and ready for whatever happens next. It was a very inspiring and moving night.

And then I got home and broke down in heartsick jealousy and confusion. Same old story of mine. How come I'm not creating? I don't need widespread fame or recognition really - I can see how exhausting it is to be really famous. And I like the stability that comes with a regular paycheck, and I know where I'm at is good as far as work situations go. In theory I should be able to create in the "off hours". and I do. In little, barely satisfying bits. Spinning tires treading water type of thing, which seems better than being stuck or drowning. But no forward motion. No growth. In the creative department. I guess I'm growing my life in other areas. I just wonder if proportionately my time is being spent in the right places?

I guess I feel like I was also never encouraged to "be something when I grew up". Never really had a dream until the past few years. And then it seems like it's too late to get started! I know that's not true - there was even a lady who just started her acting career in her late 90's in the news today! But it feels like times a wastin' and opportunities are being missed.

I know the grass is always greener and I'm probably missing all the hard/bad/frustrating parts that go along with the artistic type of life, but it still seems like it could be so soul satisfying...