Spring Dream

I had a dream last night that it was spring! All the forsythias & rhododendrons just popped into bloom on one beautifully warm day, and as I was driving around town I was so filled with delight as I passed each blooming shrub. They seemed to be extra bold, flowering explosively, it was shocking and amazing and wonderful. I wonder if any of it had to do with some big pieces falling into place yesterday on one of my big dreams... Not quite ready to share here yet, it's still rather delicate, but it feels so possible.

We really have turned the corner on winter though. I even thought maybe I saw some robins on the drive up to DM for my cousin's birthday, but I wasn't entirely sure. In any case, I know this is the time they are going to start coming, it's always February when I see them.

Manifesting Money!!

So, my work situation is pretty good right now. I am covering the basics, I'm pretty happy with the amount of time I have available to do other things, I'm learning and growing, I don't really feel a pinch in terms of wanting things that money can buy on a day to day basis.

I am however, looking for ways to manifest cash for travel. My college friends, who I have managed to see pretty much every year since college, are getting together on the West Coast to celebrate the graduation of one of us in late May. 5 of them live on the West Coast already, 4 of them within 3-5 hours or so of each other. So the 5 are going to be there, and I'd like to join them. In my initial estimates, between travel expenses and to make up for the days of work I would miss, it would be about $500. That's like an extra $100 per week from now until the trip...

The other thing I need to pay in a big chunk is the remainder of my Song School tuition, which I think is also coming up in May. I think that's $350.

Then by August I need to figure out how I'm getting to Colorado for Song School and the wedding, and I'm also going to need to buy a bridesmaid's dress. (I'm shrinking so quickly these days I want to wait till as close to the date as possible for the dress) But let's say between either driving or flying or train it's about $250 for travel, and I would hope somewhere between $60 & $100 for a dress. Oh and shoes. crap... another $20 or so???

So yes. Somewhere in the range of $1,180 - $1,220 for travel between May and August.

I am open to ideas.

But before you start offering them though, let me mention a few things.

Credit Card. Technically, I COULD put it on a credit card, I have enough room for that (especially since it wouldn't be all at once). But I already have a balance that I'm working on paying off within 11 months of when I made the balance transfer. I also have a student loan payment due each month for my music courses. This is part of why I don't have a lot extra to work with. So yeah, I could put it there, but I don't know how or when I'd be able to pay it back. Ditto goes for any sort of a personal loan. I don't want to ADD to my debts, especially not right now.

Selling crafty things at the Farmer's Market (or in local stores, or online). Lots of people jump to this when I mention I need to make some more money. It's a good idea, and I'm flattered they think of/remember me as crafty and my stuff being good to sell, but in all honesty it takes quite a lot of time/effort for not much cash in return. So when I'm doing it for fun and I am just getting joy out of making the stuff and I have all this extra I don't need, and if I happen to get some cash for it, then great! But when I'm actually in it for money and depending/hoping to get a certain amount, I usually end up disappointed.

When I was able to do the Farmer's Market regularly, I never made more than about $20 or $25 TOPS in a week. And really, in this economy, people (understandably!) go for food items first. Crafts & jewelry are not high priority.

Plus Farmer's Market is on Saturday when I work at the Cafe, and I KNOW I'll get a reliable amount for working there. It's not a gamble of "Will I make my table money back today?" All that said, when Farmer's Market starts, I may see about sending a small set up with my bro and give him a commission or something... Every dollar does count!

Selling Used Stuff. I don't really think I have anything to sell on craigslist or ebay. I've been living on a low income for several years now, so I don't have a whole lot of extra things just lying around. Usually when I buy something big it's carefully saved for and used until it wears out. But I will keep thinking on that one.

So yeah, it would probably be more effective/efficient to try and teach another improv class to kids or do a performance, especially when I'm trying to come up with hundreds of dollars in a short period of time. Both of those would take prep time and advertising. Technically I have written an hour's worth of songs, but I don't remember how to play all of them, and even if I did, I don't know if they are strong enough to entertain for a whole show by myself.

I have one young guitar student. I could take a couple more of those if anyone was interested. It's not something I have advertised because I partly don't feel qualified for it. Seriously though, if it's just the basics and getting started learning chords, I'm probably a good teacher for that because it's not like uberly boring for me and I have a lot of patience and compassion for people starting out.

There is also an opportunity to write some articles for a local blog, which I have started doing, but I'm not sure if I can crank out enough of them fast enough to make the cash by the first trip in May, and even if I could, I don't know that they have the budget for that many in so short a time. Still, I will work on those.

With the awareness of what a difference it could make, I can be a bit more strict with myself about not spending my tips. I usually use them for things like coffee and lunches out during the week, but I won't feel pinched about giving those things up if I know I'm saving for something so totally worth it. That's between $10 & $20 per week if I'm really lucky, and if I don't spend any of it!

Finally, I am also totally open to receiving unconventional ways of achieving my travel desires. I am pretty inspired by the way I was really clear that I wanted to go to the Ingrid Michaelson concert at a price I could afford, and the next thing I know I saw an offer of two free tickets through someone I follow on Twitter, on the day of the concert! So miraculous things do happen!

And I am already arranging my schedule as if I was going to Portland - I had someone looking for a house concert and I set them up to do it with another lady in town who had expressed interest in being a host only a week or so before. (I'll still help promote, whether I can go or not!) I haven't scheduled an interview for the Tuesday after, just in case.

Anyway, I have the strong desire and the motivation and a good feeling about this. Now to make it happen!

(cue the doot duh-duh DOO ---- CHARGE! trumpets!)

New Year, New Decade

And so it is. 2010. I have survived the holidays. Now time for the post holiday catch-up on things I meant to do (send cards?), plus try and focus on the new things I want to do. One of the things I want to do is get clear on what my ideal income producing situation would be.

Because:

1. That way when someone asks me what I want to do, I can tell them and they can put out feelers for me too

2. I can have more focus in pursuing this ideal situation

3. The universe supports clarity and purpose

Someone posted this astrology thing about Mars being retrograde through March. I really related to it, wowzer. Made me feel a whole lot better somehow.

Just spent the weekend working at the Cafe. Two days in a row is kinda brutal, but I could REALLY use the money right now, so I'm gearing up and powering through to do this the next couple weekends as well to fill in while P is on vacation. It also rather sucks because I'm on the opposite schedule of most other people - working on the weekend and not working during the week. So all manner of rehearsals and such run into conflict in one way or another generally.

Like I ran off to an audition for a very cool play directly after finishing up the food for the baristas (who worked a killer shift, longer than they are used to on a Sunday, I couldn't say no to them). I was an hour and a half late but I'd written ahead to say so and there were still plenty of people and scenes they were running through. I read two scenes for the same character, with two different guys. I can't tell if I was any good or not. I was all greasy from the grill, I would have liked to dress a little better, but I didn't have time for it really. I don't know that I look the part. One of the characters wants to sleep with her, so that has to be plausible. There were tons of other girls there and while that was the only part I could play, they could take that one or any of the others. And I'm working next week for the first read-through. So who knows. Seems like they will be pretty quick to cast though if the first read-through is next week.

Another song for the concert at the end of the month rehearsed today, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway, and another song beyond that is rehearsing next Sunday when I won't be able to go, so I'm quite sure I won't get a solo for that one, which is also ok. The point being though, that again, there is the rehearsal during work hours thing coming up, grrr.

Got an email that they wouldn't be training for coffee at the new cafe for a while, probably till they catch up on the remodeling expenses, so I don't know what that means for how soon I could be getting more hours there. grah.

I could teach another improv class. I could do a concert. I could make stuff and put it up on the web for sale, though that seems the least lucrative, unless I had something REALLY original, which I don't. And even then.

Part of me wants to run away to Austin and take lessons at the music school one of my blog buddies goes to and teaches and helps out. Just focus on the guitar stuff mostly, see if I have any sort of chance with it. Seems like I should be able to do that here, but it just hasn't happened yet. Maybe this is the year. I just wish someone could tell me if I have a fraction of a chance and if it's worth all the effort, because if I don't, then I could probably be happy not stressing on it and having it be a hobby...

G suggested I make a list of everything I think I would need to make more of a go at it with my music blog. Even if it was earning $20 a month, that would be something!! It's quite established by now, maybe it IS time to check out some of those tips and apply them and see what happens... One of the things on the list might be a consult with a more pro type person to give me some perspective. I'm too close to it...

Going to the Dr tomorrow to find out about some lab results. They didn't call me ahead of my scheduled appointment, so I'm sure there won't be anything serious, but she was checking for levels on things like B12, folic acid and thyroid and I forget what else. ugh.

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Fishy Dreams

I had a strange dream last night. (It's also strange that I remembered it, that doesn't happen too often). Most of my dreams that I remember are strange really, but they usually mostly seem to be a pretty random stringing together of events. This one felt symbolic though.

Part of it I realized I had dreamt several times before, but first a bit of background: In my childhood bedroom, the first one I'd had to myself, there was a little white shelf attached to the wall. The bottom shelf was about eye level, so the top part was tall enough I had to get a chair or something to see it properly.

In the dreams I've had before, there was a fish on that top shelf. Kind of a big goldfish. But he wasn't in a tank or anything, just lying on his side on a plate. Alive, not moving much, and every so often I would pour some water on him to keep him alive, but mostly I kind of forgot and neglected the poor thing.

Somehow, in this dream, G and I were going to do something, take him out somewhere, and I checked on him to see that he seemed to be barely alive, and was getting kind of slimy since the water I poured over him just kind of sat and stagnated in the plate. I felt horrible for being so neglectful and started filling up the bathtub, carefully checking that the water wasn't too warm or too cold, terrified that I'd put him in and he'd just float on his side, dead.

But I put him in the water and he immediately started swimming around, splashing and playing, happy. I thought, "oh crap, we better get him a tank!"

Don't ask me why I hadn't gotten a tank at the same time I got the fish, or why I left him there on a plate for so long. Completely unlike waking me when it comes to fish! In fact I woke up and scolded myself for putting him in the bathtub water, because I had several fish growing up and I know they're supposed to be in purified water! And when you change the tank you're supposed to leave some of the old water in and mix it with the new stuff so they're not completely shocked at the new water.

But obviously, this was not a normal fish, this was a dream fish, and I'm left wondering what part of me/my life the fish represents, that I've been neglecting on a top shelf, that would only take a little bit of space and water to be happy and healthy again. G thinks that the fish is me, that I need to take better care of myself altogether. That's true, but I have a feeling it's more like a specific part of me, and of course I want to relate it to songwriting and performing, and that maybe it won't take as much as I think to be ready to put myself out there in front of people. Maybe both things are right.

spinning spirals

My head is spinning spinning
My heart is spiraling spiraling
Down

Just saw Jenna's dance master thesis last night and it was AMAZING! *She* is amazing!! It was a very visceral experience that I'm not finding any better descriptive words for at the moment, but I was so happy for her, proud of her, proud to be something of a friend. Even if we don't talk much or anything - I barely see her except at her performances and the occasional time she comes to FF. Anyway, she was radiant and skilled and present and ready for whatever happens next. It was a very inspiring and moving night.

And then I got home and broke down in heartsick jealousy and confusion. Same old story of mine. How come I'm not creating? I don't need widespread fame or recognition really - I can see how exhausting it is to be really famous. And I like the stability that comes with a regular paycheck, and I know where I'm at is good as far as work situations go. In theory I should be able to create in the "off hours". and I do. In little, barely satisfying bits. Spinning tires treading water type of thing, which seems better than being stuck or drowning. But no forward motion. No growth. In the creative department. I guess I'm growing my life in other areas. I just wonder if proportionately my time is being spent in the right places?

I guess I feel like I was also never encouraged to "be something when I grew up". Never really had a dream until the past few years. And then it seems like it's too late to get started! I know that's not true - there was even a lady who just started her acting career in her late 90's in the news today! But it feels like times a wastin' and opportunities are being missed.

I know the grass is always greener and I'm probably missing all the hard/bad/frustrating parts that go along with the artistic type of life, but it still seems like it could be so soul satisfying...