Not as hard on your heart

I want you

to stop being so hard on yourself

Would you say these things to your closest friend?

To any friend?

I didn't think so.

Would your closest friends allow you to say these things about yourself, if they knew?

Who gave you permission to be such a jerk? So cruel?

No one deserves to be so put down

No one

That doesn't mean you're getting a free pass

That you get to stop working on things

Oh no

It might even be harder

Because when you don't have the excuse of preempting the possibility of failure

Keeping you from taking action

You still have to work to get what you want

It's just the path is cleared now

So it might be less sitting around paralyzed

And more actual work

Which might, in a way, be harder

Just not on your heart

Be the change

So, at the risk of offending people who might have a different idea about me, and in order to tell about this realization I had today, I am going to share - I don't usually make the bed. Like, 19 times out of 20 probably. I don't really see the point. There are a lot of other things I want to be spending time on, and if we have people over, it's easy to just shut the door. I usually only make it when I need to fold clothes and I don't want them to get lost in the sheets.

I also don't usually go to bed at the same time as G. Night-owlism, procrastination, distraction, freaking out, working late, catching up, whathaveyou, it varies in phases from a little late to very very late. (Lately leaning to very very, argh). When I do get to bed, G usually gets grumbly because I shift all the blankets around that are tangled in order to be covered. I've tried to tell him many times that if he would arrange the blankets when he got into bed, I wouldn't disturb him as much when I came.

For some reason this morning it hit me. I bet if I would make the bed in the morning, the blankets would still be in pretty good shape at night, even if I got there second. It seems pretty obvious now, but I was oblivious to it before. So wrapped up in wanting him to think about me and leave things in a way that would show he was thinking about me. On the few nights that I go to bed first I am very aware of leaving the night lights on, etc, and wish the same could be done for me.

There is that saying about being the change you wish to see in the world. One of those ones that sounds all very well and good, but come on - how can I BE world peace? or BE the end of hunger? I'm sure someone out there has an answer for that, but for the most part the concepts that are too big, too overwhelming. I've been thinking about some of the stuff I learned in Peru, about asking for small things - please help me climb up these ruins today. please help me finish my homework. please help me find sweetness in life outside of food. please help me go to bed at a decent hour. (!) :-)

Is it really so selfish to ask for little things that help you be more comfortable and happy? Because a comfortable, happy person is more likely to be productive and contribute, to have the energy to help others, etc, etc.

So yes. I'll get to go test my theory now. If it works, I've found a good reason to make the bed every day. And both of us will get a better, more comfortable night's sleep, waking up to be happier people. Who knows how that will affect our days?

Be the change.

Little changes can make a big difference.

PS In other news - I AM SO TIRED OF BEING COLD DAMMIT!!!!! It just seems to keep snowing and snowing and snowing. ;-(

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Note To Self

Do not drink coffee (with caffeine) after lunch. Even if someone buys it for you.

You know this self. Shame on you.

In other notes:

The new iPhoto is lame when it comes to posting photos or videos to the web. Can't browse to the files. Grrrrrr. Maybe works fine if you have their iWeb site or whatevers, but for flickr and YouTube, I have to either use the uploader, or export and give the file a new name or drag the vids to the desktop, all of which is a huge bother, especially when the old iPhoto had everything all pretty and organized by dates in files and was easy and perfect and intelligent.

Also had a wee bit of a breakdown today over money, but talked it out and agreed that staying positive and being smart, resourceful and intelligent over our choices is much more productive and powerful than getting depressed, freaked out or stingy. Pointed out that while we might be making about 1/2 as much money, probably about 1/2 of our money went to fun things last year, so we won't starve, we just might not have as much fun or will have to be more conscious about it.

I wanna get my bike fixed and get a bigger basket/rack thingy for the back so I can carry more stuff. Not driving should save gas money. It's just been kinda crappy and cold the past few days. And might be for a bit longer...

My baby brother is turning 21 on Friday. Whoa.

Thinking again about all sorts of ways to earn money. All of which take time and focus. I'm sure it's possible to do several at once, but not all, and it might take some settling down of some to figure out how much time I have for the others. Should stop and think about what I really want/think would make me happiest, because it might not necessarily be the one that makes the most money per hour. Sigh.