I found it. The resume I used to get the "big job" all those years ago. Looking it over, I don't feel so bad or cranky that they couldn't find the copy I had given them on file anywhere for when they let us all go. I (probably, I hope I) would have started over anyway. It's charming, and I do want to hold on to it, but I've come soooo far since then. Wow.
And yet here I am, (is it two or 3 years later?) without a full time job. I am mostly ok with this. It's kind of a rotten time to be looking for a job anyway. We are mostly doing fine. I am getting by on my part time stuff. The caretaker position is going pretty well so far I think. She is happy to have me. I want to make sure I am really providing service and I feel a little lost sometimes, making it up as I go, not sure who to ask if I have questions.
I know if I wanted to go back to a big office job that 1) I'd still be further along than I was in that resume I found tonight, even if it's been a while between "real" jobs. 2) I'd have to figure out a way to make those "inactive" years look good/productive 3) As long as I stay in FF, the chances of me getting an office job based more on my reputation as opposed to a resume are extremely high.
But that's a big if, the wanting to go back to a big office job. A little one, maybe. A big one, notsomuch...
The thing that has been eating away at me is here I am, I carved out this life with time for working on music, I took out a big loan to study it, and I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week class, and I've only done the first week's work?!?! What the heck is wrong with me?
I've been really confused lately about music and the music world and my place in it. I know, I've been really confused about it in one way or another for years now, but this has been picking at me more insistently lately. It's the conflict between two big pieces of advice/schools of thought, whathaveyou that both make sense to me on their own but I can't figure how to hold them both. The "Just create - sit down at the table and do the work. You take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." concept and "If you want to be successful in music, you have to create something AMAZING. If you can't create something AMAZING, don't bother. Don't waste your time or anyone else's" idea that makes good business sense.
I know, I know. I'm allowed to make art for art's sake. I have to start somewhere before I even have a chance at being any good. But I was reading something on a musician's blog about how there is a lot of well produced crap out there, and they are thinking it's because no one is giving these DIY-ers a honest evaluation of their work... And that's just it for me. How do I know when someone is telling me the truth? And how do I take it when people don't say anything? My "jump to worst conclusion first because anything other than that will be better" reaction assumes that they aren't saying anything because they hate it/think it's dumb/don't want to hurt my feelings, which makes me afraid to ask for real feedback. Because if it's so bad they don't say anything, what is that awful thing they are not saying? eff.
I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I am still waiting for that magical person who I will be able to trust is telling me the truth to tap me on the head with a gold glitter star wand and tell me I'm worthy. That the work is worth doing because it WILL pay off in the end. I don't want to be the charity case. I don't want to be the one they grudgingly let in the show/chorus/band and then freak out about at the last second and stick me in the back row.
I need a mentor/cheerleader/coach so bad right now. Someone to remind me of my strengths and guide me through the exercises I need to build up my weak parts. Someone who understands the mindf*&% of being an artist and can talk me down from the worked up froth in my brain. Someone who will help hold me accountable to doing the woodshedding. Someone who will listen, and who will ASK me the right questions to draw me out, get me excited and encouraged and hopeful.
2 comments:
I don't know if this is comforting or not, but I honestly think it's too early to be judging yourself or letting anyone else judge you as a musician--much less letting someone else's opinion influence you in any major life decisions. You can't count your eggs before they've hatched. A lot of the people who are successful today wouldn't necessarily have stood out as anything special when they were starting out; they were simply gung-ho determined to do it and spent enough time learning things and making connections to climb their way up. Realistically, it could take years to develop your own unique style and voice and the skills to express them to the point where you have a product that could be commercially evaluated. Maybe the question to ask yourself is whether it would be worthwhile to you to go ahead and develop those things and explore that world regardless of the final measurable outcome. It's the kind of investment that would involve so much of you, and yet be so risky by nature, that you'd better love the process or you won't get past the first hurdle. If learning to do something well and meeting the people involved in that world sounds fun in and of itself, then you should do it, because following your passion can only bring you universal support, even if it comes in a different form than you first intended. If you're serious I would think about full-time music school, because you'd get the guidance and feedback you are looking for, crunch out the skills systematically, and learn a lot by osmosis just being around so many others who are committed to that thing. Artistic community is one of those things you can't put a price on. I think sometimes when artists are longing for "success", what they really want is simply a sense of context, not to feel isolated in what they are doing. Even if you decided not to try for a pro performing career, you'd be picking up related skills and meeting all kinds of people in the industry and I'm sure you'd find some kind of profession related to your passion. Maybe a career\life coach could help spell out some of the practical options that could come out of a music degree\education if that would make it seem more justifiable. Love, K
I know, I know. :( It's definitely early to be asking for judgement as to commercial viability for where I'm at personally, on the other hand I feel like I am at LEAST 10 years too late compared to other people my age. So sometimes I panic. Especially since I have all this "free time" that I feel I'm dumping down the toilet rather than using productively.
But yeah, I mean, part of why I even let myself SIGN UP for these online courses (it's 9 semesters, one course at a time, to earn a certificate) was just what you are saying - it seemed like at the very least it would be fun to learn how to be a better songwriter, and that and the blog/radio show are letting me meet people involved in the indie music world, which is totally fun as well to a point. The point being where I get frustrated at not doing/developing my own stuff along with everything else.
The courses were also my answer to "should I go to music school?". I don't think I have the technical skill to make it through any sort of audition that an accredited school would have. The local options for school focus more on classical from what I can tell, and would still require at least a 20 minute commute one-way. I've heard of a pretty cool sounding, supportive seeming mini-school in Austin but that's too far away from my life here, I'm not in a position to just pick up and leave...
The Song School in CO I've gone to the past two years is the closest thing that also seems realistic that I can figure to the whole learn by osmosis, guidance, feedback thing you are talking about. But that is only 4 days once a year, and you don't get much of the systematic skills thing in that amount of time, which is the area I feel most stunted in.
So I think, for me right now, the online courses are the best I can do. If I DO the work, they can be pretty great. I had a class that was purely lyric writing that I absolutely adored! It's these theory classes that trip me up, and students definitely have to take the initiative, they don't come chasing after you to ask what's wrong or anything like that. heh. Not that it's their responsibility! But I do feel like I need a bit more personal attention.
The other thing that is frustrating is there are a few people in town who I feel like could possibly help me, but are pretty (understandably) busy with their own lives. We try to set up sessions, but nothing ends up being regular enough to make satisfying progress...
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