Bits and Pieces

We were putting up plastic on the laundry room windows tonight and as part of my continuing de-clutter mission I picked up a stack of papers and went through it. Ticket stubs, newspapers from 2007, financial things, manuals, receipts from our UK trip.

I found it. The resume I used to get the "big job" all those years ago. Looking it over, I don't feel so bad or cranky that they couldn't find the copy I had given them on file anywhere for when they let us all go. I (probably, I hope I) would have started over anyway. It's charming, and I do want to hold on to it, but I've come soooo far since then. Wow.

And yet here I am, (is it two or 3 years later?) without a full time job. I am mostly ok with this. It's kind of a rotten time to be looking for a job anyway. We are mostly doing fine. I am getting by on my part time stuff. The caretaker position is going pretty well so far I think. She is happy to have me. I want to make sure I am really providing service and I feel a little lost sometimes, making it up as I go, not sure who to ask if I have questions.

I know if I wanted to go back to a big office job that 1) I'd still be further along than I was in that resume I found tonight, even if it's been a while between "real" jobs. 2) I'd have to figure out a way to make those "inactive" years look good/productive 3) As long as I stay in FF, the chances of me getting an office job based more on my reputation as opposed to a resume are extremely high.

But that's a big if, the wanting to go back to a big office job. A little one, maybe. A big one, notsomuch...

The thing that has been eating away at me is here I am, I carved out this life with time for working on music, I took out a big loan to study it, and I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week class, and I've only done the first week's work?!?! What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been really confused lately about music and the music world and my place in it. I know, I've been really confused about it in one way or another for years now, but this has been picking at me more insistently lately. It's the conflict between two big pieces of advice/schools of thought, whathaveyou that both make sense to me on their own but I can't figure how to hold them both. The "Just create - sit down at the table and do the work. You take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." concept and "If you want to be successful in music, you have to create something AMAZING. If you can't create something AMAZING, don't bother. Don't waste your time or anyone else's" idea that makes good business sense.

I know, I know. I'm allowed to make art for art's sake. I have to start somewhere before I even have a chance at being any good. But I was reading something on a musician's blog about how there is a lot of well produced crap out there, and they are thinking it's because no one is giving these DIY-ers a honest evaluation of their work... And that's just it for me. How do I know when someone is telling me the truth? And how do I take it when people don't say anything? My "jump to worst conclusion first because anything other than that will be better" reaction assumes that they aren't saying anything because they hate it/think it's dumb/don't want to hurt my feelings, which makes me afraid to ask for real feedback. Because if it's so bad they don't say anything, what is that awful thing they are not saying? eff.

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I am still waiting for that magical person who I will be able to trust is telling me the truth to tap me on the head with a gold glitter star wand and tell me I'm worthy. That the work is worth doing because it WILL pay off in the end. I don't want to be the charity case. I don't want to be the one they grudgingly let in the show/chorus/band and then freak out about at the last second and stick me in the back row.

I need a mentor/cheerleader/coach so bad right now. Someone to remind me of my strengths and guide me through the exercises I need to build up my weak parts. Someone who understands the mindf*&% of being an artist and can talk me down from the worked up froth in my brain. Someone who will help hold me accountable to doing the woodshedding. Someone who will listen, and who will ASK me the right questions to draw me out, get me excited and encouraged and hopeful.

Overdone

So... it was supposed to be 3 weeks of brunch. But the regular guy got stuck in the country he was visiting, so in total it's going to be 5 weeks! Luckily last time I split the shift, so it wasn't quite as hard. Hoping to do the same this week, or at least have someone do the cleanup part.

But coming off a weekend of double brunches, I went into a week of rehearsals/tech every night except Thurs, which I used to go up to OTM to pick up a performance dress from JCP. Which *thanktheluckystars* fit beautifully and didn't require the purchase of additional undergarments.

Shows Friday and Saturday were pretty much fun enough to make up for the hellish tech days where I remember mentioning to G at one point that I wasn't sure this was fun enough to be worth it. So glad it turned out to be super fun. Totally sold out on Sat and decided to do an encore performance on Sun night. We got about 160 people, purely through last minute word of mouth, and the show was shorter (and cheaper) because not all the artists could make it, having other things going on in their lives. I think we still put on a great show, even missing some of the big numbers. The people there really stepped up to fill in the gaps wherever they could with great energy.

But somehow after the Sunday performance, I couldn't sleep. I didn't really try. Not like I was lying in bed tossing & turning, but I frittered away a night on the internet. Slept till about noon. So I got enough sleep technically, but it wasn't good sleep. And then I was up late on Monday night too since I wasn't quite ready for sleeping due to waking up so late, but at least I got up at a decent hour today because I had my radio show. Nuts. And here I am again up pretty late. grr. I need to start writing in my journal again.

Started the caretaker job today. I think it will be good. Part time. Not too stressful or strenuous but important and useful. Going to learn a lot too I think.

I've lost 12 lbs in under a month. That's a lot in such a short time, no doubt due to the pills, although it's not uncommon for someone starting a diet to shed a lot in the first couple weeks, and they usually say a lot of that is water. 2 more lbs and I will be less than I've been in 4 or 5 years. 26 lbs and I will be at my wedding weight. I must have gained quite a lot (38 lbs?!) pretty quickly after the wedding because I remember my wedding weight and I remember my pre-diet weight but I don't really remember many of the in-between numbers. And I'd been hovering at the pre-diet weight pretty much ever since losing my full time job. So it was either pretty quick or I was totally oblivious or maybe some combo of the two. Yikes.

Yikes.

And I'm trying to remember details (I'm so bad with dates!) but I think I gained something like 50 lbs in the 3 or 4 years between finishing college and getting married. Say it was 50 in 4 years - that's 12.5 per year, or a teeny bit more than just 1 lb per month. Not something you'd really notice at that rate at first, but if you don't keep track and look for balance, all of a sudden, yeah, it adds up. Shit. Especially when you consider that thing about how women start losing muscle mass after the age of 25, and how many more calories do muscles burn just sitting down than fat does? It's a significant number - 400 a day??? I can't remember, but I get the point.

But the good news is that I didn't gain anything to speak of in the 2 years since The Job. Cutting out such a huge source of stress was hugely beneficial in that respect. This is part of what makes me hopeful that I can maintain whatever I end up getting to.

I got some birthday $ to pay a friend to help me with some cleaning/organizing. She has done a few projects that have been great - small but useful and things that I just have not gotten around to in waaaay too long. And her being here inspires me to work on stuff too - I started working on the cubby in the front entryway and got rid of a ton of stuff already! Still quite a bit more to go, and it's one of those "stuff" cupboards that is just going to fill with other stuff and will need cleaning out again in another couple of years I'm sure, but that is no reason not to clean it out as much as possible now.

It feels good to keep letting things go. It is also nice to have my friend here because I can tell her about the little things that I need to throw away but are kind of hard. Today for example, I found in the cubby a beautiful glass vase, probably handblown, that we got as a wedding present but the base broke shortly after we got it. I tried gluing it back together at least a couple of times and it just never stayed glued! So it was time to let it go. But I showed her how it was my favorite colors and explained how bummed I was that I never got to enjoy it properly before it broke. A miniscule memorial service I suppose... In any case, talking about it made it much easier to drop in the trash.

I think the physical practice of releasing the objects enforces the concept mentally and emotionally that it's ok to let emotional/energetic clutter go, that it's good to have whatever degree of "memorial service" is necessary to mourn that thing, whatever it may be, and how much lighter and relieved it feels to be done with it.

So yeah, I'm encouraged to continue, in little chunks that don't overwhelm. My friend is coming one more time tomorrow, and I asked her to come in the morning so I would get myself up! Which means that it's way, way past time for me to be in bed...

Let Go

This has been my theme song in the past few days.

I'm trying to get rid of things.

Just a little bit at a time. My mom does a thing where she tries to get rid of 3 things per day - trash, recycle, donate, whatever, just getting them out of her way. I'm not doing that exactly, but I am trying to pick little things.

So far it has been clothes. I've been holding on to so many clothing items hoping to fit them again, or because I feel like I don't have enough clothes and just having more available, even if I never wear them, is a security blanket. Like what if all the washers in the world broke and I needed something clean but that didn't fit right?! :P Some stuff I have has NEVER fit right, no matter what size I was/am. That's a little easier because I just have to remember how I felt uncomfortable wearing it, and out it goes. What is hard if it's something I actually really liked, something that was really cute. Especially now that I am on this weight loss program, and it's not totally insane to think that I might really be that size again someday. But even then, I'm trying to be more selective about what I keep. Some things I hold in my hand and look at it, and the little voice creeps in and says "let go, let go." and I throw it semi-reluctantly on the pile.

That was something today, the red shirt. I am still thinking about it. It's already dropped off at the secondhand shop, but it's lingering just a little. My friend gave it to me. It didn't quite fit her. Red. Baseball jersey style of sleeves, but didn't look like a jersey. Really cute on. Good style for me. But the "let go, let go" rang loud in my head. I told myself I could let the clothes sit in a pile on the stairwell for a while, like I'd done with the previous pile I'd made on a first pass through. But I walked by them and again "Let go, let go". So they came with me to the car in a bag.

I went to the pool, did my swimming, pushed myself to do 40 minutes instead of 30, hot tub after. Had a burrito out. Got home, realized the bag of clothes was still on my passenger seat. Should I drop them off later? Tomorrow maybe? I was already home. "Let go, let go." I shifted into reverse and drove to the secondhand shop. "Let go, let go" all the way from my car in the parking lot to the drop box. Goodbye super cute red shirt, blue jeans that were always too big, khaki jeans I never ever liked, grey long sleeve t that was boring and a tiny bit itchy (fraction of % polyester?).

I'm hoping this writing lets the red shirt go for good now. Maybe not, but it's out of my life, and I hope it looks really cute on the next person.

I think one of my next projects for clutter-busting is the cubby in the front entry. You wouldn't know it's a mess from the outside, but it's full of crap I haven't looked at in years, so how much could I need it? And it might be a nice break from the closet... and everything I get rid of really is a weight off. It's a good idea to do little bits at a time, that way it's never too overwhelming. Aha, maybe one shelf in the cubby per day??

Release and abundance working already. I can release all this stuff because I am trusting there is an abundance of what I need available to me when I need it.

So far no bad side effects from the pills. They definitely suppress appetite, which makes it much easier to cope with the reduced calorie intake. The first weeks are the hardest, getting used to eating less, so they are taking the edge off that hard part. I am so in love with my app food/exercise journal thing. It makes it fun to look up the foods, and easier too. Makes it more of a game. For example at the burrito place I was putting in the items and realized that the lemonade I had gotten was a whopping 300 calories, which would have left me with next to nothing for dinner, but I WAS thirsty and I did want it, so I just drank half of it. And then I'm going to be able to print out a spreadsheet to take to the Dr next month from the website! The app sends the info to your account there. Sweet.

Speaking of the Dr, I had to call the office to see if they had sent my physical form in for my potential job yet. They hadn't. She had a question but figured it out while I was on the phone, and promised to send it a few minutes after she hung up. I bet if I hadn't called it wouldn't have gotten done today. Sigh.

OK though, speaking of clothes I DO need, I need something to wear for the concert in two weeks. The other girls I'm working with started talking about it. I really have nothing besides the red dress, which isn't the color they are going for, and I wore that at the last concert. There are several other dresses from the same site that might work, and on sale for $30. If I got one in black, that might last a while, for other things. And if it didn't, well, I don't think I'll find any other outfit or be able to make something for that much. And I really don't think I have anything appropriate, nor do I know anyone the right size for borrowing. Hrm...