Let Go

This has been my theme song in the past few days.

I'm trying to get rid of things.

Just a little bit at a time. My mom does a thing where she tries to get rid of 3 things per day - trash, recycle, donate, whatever, just getting them out of her way. I'm not doing that exactly, but I am trying to pick little things.

So far it has been clothes. I've been holding on to so many clothing items hoping to fit them again, or because I feel like I don't have enough clothes and just having more available, even if I never wear them, is a security blanket. Like what if all the washers in the world broke and I needed something clean but that didn't fit right?! :P Some stuff I have has NEVER fit right, no matter what size I was/am. That's a little easier because I just have to remember how I felt uncomfortable wearing it, and out it goes. What is hard if it's something I actually really liked, something that was really cute. Especially now that I am on this weight loss program, and it's not totally insane to think that I might really be that size again someday. But even then, I'm trying to be more selective about what I keep. Some things I hold in my hand and look at it, and the little voice creeps in and says "let go, let go." and I throw it semi-reluctantly on the pile.

That was something today, the red shirt. I am still thinking about it. It's already dropped off at the secondhand shop, but it's lingering just a little. My friend gave it to me. It didn't quite fit her. Red. Baseball jersey style of sleeves, but didn't look like a jersey. Really cute on. Good style for me. But the "let go, let go" rang loud in my head. I told myself I could let the clothes sit in a pile on the stairwell for a while, like I'd done with the previous pile I'd made on a first pass through. But I walked by them and again "Let go, let go". So they came with me to the car in a bag.

I went to the pool, did my swimming, pushed myself to do 40 minutes instead of 30, hot tub after. Had a burrito out. Got home, realized the bag of clothes was still on my passenger seat. Should I drop them off later? Tomorrow maybe? I was already home. "Let go, let go." I shifted into reverse and drove to the secondhand shop. "Let go, let go" all the way from my car in the parking lot to the drop box. Goodbye super cute red shirt, blue jeans that were always too big, khaki jeans I never ever liked, grey long sleeve t that was boring and a tiny bit itchy (fraction of % polyester?).

I'm hoping this writing lets the red shirt go for good now. Maybe not, but it's out of my life, and I hope it looks really cute on the next person.

I think one of my next projects for clutter-busting is the cubby in the front entry. You wouldn't know it's a mess from the outside, but it's full of crap I haven't looked at in years, so how much could I need it? And it might be a nice break from the closet... and everything I get rid of really is a weight off. It's a good idea to do little bits at a time, that way it's never too overwhelming. Aha, maybe one shelf in the cubby per day??

Release and abundance working already. I can release all this stuff because I am trusting there is an abundance of what I need available to me when I need it.

So far no bad side effects from the pills. They definitely suppress appetite, which makes it much easier to cope with the reduced calorie intake. The first weeks are the hardest, getting used to eating less, so they are taking the edge off that hard part. I am so in love with my app food/exercise journal thing. It makes it fun to look up the foods, and easier too. Makes it more of a game. For example at the burrito place I was putting in the items and realized that the lemonade I had gotten was a whopping 300 calories, which would have left me with next to nothing for dinner, but I WAS thirsty and I did want it, so I just drank half of it. And then I'm going to be able to print out a spreadsheet to take to the Dr next month from the website! The app sends the info to your account there. Sweet.

Speaking of the Dr, I had to call the office to see if they had sent my physical form in for my potential job yet. They hadn't. She had a question but figured it out while I was on the phone, and promised to send it a few minutes after she hung up. I bet if I hadn't called it wouldn't have gotten done today. Sigh.

OK though, speaking of clothes I DO need, I need something to wear for the concert in two weeks. The other girls I'm working with started talking about it. I really have nothing besides the red dress, which isn't the color they are going for, and I wore that at the last concert. There are several other dresses from the same site that might work, and on sale for $30. If I got one in black, that might last a while, for other things. And if it didn't, well, I don't think I'll find any other outfit or be able to make something for that much. And I really don't think I have anything appropriate, nor do I know anyone the right size for borrowing. Hrm...

Stupid Cold

I've lived here for 25 years and I still don't know how to do winter

I've got everything I need
I mean, come on, I've lived here for 25 years

I have the wool socks and the slippers and the fingerless gloves, the scarves and the sweaters and the down comforters
I have the space heaters and the plastic to cover the windows (what a pain in the ass)
I have friends with woodburning stoves (who clearly, I need to visit more often) and I have a nice teapot
I start freaking out about how cold it's going to get as soon as I notice the sun isn't sticking around as long each day
It's not like I don't know it's coming

Yet somehow, those first few really cold days still catch me by surprise and I am
A kitten that fell off the sofa
A child suddenly stripped of her blankets before dawn

And I forget about the socks and the slippers and the gloves, the scarves, hats, comforters, heaters and stoves.

I curl in on myself, huddled over icecube toes, huffing warm breath on my hands, hoping somehow to bring heat without having to pile on all those damn layers.

I hate feeling like a stuffed penguin.

New Stuff

Well I suppose I did my part for the economy today. J is in town and we went shopping in Ottumwa. Pretty much mostly just for things we needed or that were practical, and pretty much everything we got was on sale, at least of the lesser practical things.

A couple new long sleeve shirts now that it's colder, a couple new pairs of pants, and a new purse for me. Both the pants and purse were something I needed as my current ones are on the way out. Also got some more contact solution as it's cheaper at Target and found some earplugs for G to use on his flight.

Came back to J's house, saw her new headshots (REALLY GORGEOUS), got pizza and watched half of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, till we realized her parents were bored and we took it over here to finish. I liked it, but I kind of didn't remember the first one, and now I'm not even sure how many of the books I read, so I kind of felt like I was missing some pieces. ah well.

Been lusting after an iPhone. Not sure I can justify spending so much on a new phone like that when I could just upgrade my current contract and get a phone for free, plus their cheapest plan is $12 more per month and significantly less minutes. Not sure I even use all my minutes anyway, and that would be $12/month to have the internet in my pocket. Plus to have a camera and video camera and music player all in my pocket without having 4 or 5 different devices is, well, an attractive idea. Crap.

Well This is Interesting...

Not to you probably, but it's making me think, so there...

Today I went to Mt Pleasant to see one of my high school/college choir directors perform with the choir up there. It was blow-me-away, hairs-standing-up-on-my-arms, full-body-every-fiber-moved amazing. Even in the first song before the full choir came out, I was already settling into contentment, looking around this beautiful church, full of silver and grey heads I didn't know, thinking - this is how it should be, community creating it's own quality entertainment, supporting and enjoying as a group. Why do so many people think we have to go out there somewhere to get the good stuff, to be happy? I think these people were happy - we all stood up applauding at the end to show it.

There was a reception/farewell party for the president of the college afterwards that everyone was invited to, with free food, which I felt slightly foolish to turn down in my current strapped for cash situation, but honestly I was feeling so moved and inward, I just didn't really have it in me to go and socialize, even though there probably would have been a decent contingent of Fairfield people I know there. So instead I went to the Super Wal-Mart (I know, I know, don't kill me) to get some white corn flour to make arepas. I don't think it's even quite the right stuff, but it's the closest I can find here in Iowa so far, and I can't seem to find it in Fairfield.

I also picked up a couple of shirts, because the past week or so I've been feeling a little pinched when going out for work/training stuff. It's been a while since I've needed to look nice, and most of my clothes are pretty casual. The shirts I got aren't all that dressy, but I think they pick it up a tiny notch, which is about where I want it.

So here's the interesting to me part. I got home and remembered that tomorrow I start working on the Ecovillage farm in exchange for our CSA veggies this year (current plan is 2 hrs every M, W, F). Which means I need grubby clothes that I don't mind getting dirty. It's interesting that I'll need to be juggling two different ends of the work spectrum. But I'm really looking forward to working with the plants, and being part of the process of growing our food this year. I think I need to go rustle around and see what I have to wear for tomorrow. It's not like I really have a lot of old clothes (that fit anyway).