New Song! Winter Time

I gave myself an assignment last night, to write, record and post a seasonal song. At the last minute I added one more requirement, that I use my partial capo. It came out pretty fast, maybe 20-30 minutes. I'm still liking it a day later, so that's a good sign I think, and it's gotten a pretty good reception on Facebook. In a moment of inspiration while recording, I threw on my hat from Peru and my fingerless glove (thanks Nandi, a million times over! I've been using them a lot these days!), which got me a bit more in the mood because it only took a few tries after that. :)

I just used my built-in computer mic, lyrics are below.



WINTER TIME
Frost is creeping
Up my window
Trying to keep it from my heart
You are sleeping... See More
But I can't go
Frozen here before I start

It's winter time
winter time

Days of summer
Words unspoken
Echo through my lonely head
Barefoot pavement
Sunburn peeling
Layers of an angry red

but
It's winter time
winter time

I'm looking for the light
to get me through this night
put a candle in the window for me

It's winter time
winter time
winter time
~ Heather Miller-Rodriguez 12/9/09

Stupid Cold

I've lived here for 25 years and I still don't know how to do winter

I've got everything I need
I mean, come on, I've lived here for 25 years

I have the wool socks and the slippers and the fingerless gloves, the scarves and the sweaters and the down comforters
I have the space heaters and the plastic to cover the windows (what a pain in the ass)
I have friends with woodburning stoves (who clearly, I need to visit more often) and I have a nice teapot
I start freaking out about how cold it's going to get as soon as I notice the sun isn't sticking around as long each day
It's not like I don't know it's coming

Yet somehow, those first few really cold days still catch me by surprise and I am
A kitten that fell off the sofa
A child suddenly stripped of her blankets before dawn

And I forget about the socks and the slippers and the gloves, the scarves, hats, comforters, heaters and stoves.

I curl in on myself, huddled over icecube toes, huffing warm breath on my hands, hoping somehow to bring heat without having to pile on all those damn layers.

I hate feeling like a stuffed penguin.

"Coldsure" Shock

As I pulled on a pair of fleece socks over my SmartWool socks this morning, I found myself marveling at the fact that only a week ago I was happily pulling a new Hawaiian sundress over my head.  I think it's time to admit I've been in somewhat of a culture/weather shock since coming home, and it's only been softened by the fact that I don't really have to get up and go out anywhere in the mornings, or even all day if I don't want to.  I've been sleeping in till 11:30 or 12 since Wednesday.  (Which is 6:30 or 7 in Hawaii, about when I was waking up there).  Having the radio show and my birthday celebrations and friends inviting me out for coffee has been good at getting me out of the house at all.  

People may be mislead by the fact that I'm happily spamming Facebook pictures with comments into thinking that I'm all fine and dandy, but I'd also be just as happy to curl up in bed with the Stephanie Meyer books I just picked up from the library and not come out till spring.  Except that they wouldn't last me that long and they're due back at the beginning of February anyway.  I haven't started them yet because I know there's a pile of stuff I should be doing and I know that once I start it'll be exceedingly hard for me to put them down.  

When I read, I read hard, fast and intensely.  My friends and family would always try to shake me out of my book comas as a kid.  Quite brave of them to face my snarls at being ripped out of my fantasy worlds.  They could bounce all over the couch I was lying on and I'd totally ignore them, but trying to get me to actually stop was a bad idea.

I'm not that bad anymore, but I've still been known to stay up so late near the end of a story that my eyes water and the book is practically falling out of my hand just to find out how it finishes.  Only problem with that is I tend to forget what actually happened the next morning and end up having to re-read the last 50 pages or so to find out.

Went to see Catie Curtis last night at CSPS.  They are still struggling after the June floods, it was cold enough that everyone pretty much had to wear their coats and hats inside, and one of their toilets doesn't quite work properly yet, but it was a testament to survival that the show went on.  Meg Hutchinson opened for her, really amazing.  I'd found her several months ago on MySpace and kind of forgotten about it, so it was awesome to see her face on the posters and even more awesome to hear her music.  Praise be to YouTube, I was able to find the song she opened with that doesn't seem to be on any of her records yet (tiny ad at the beginning): 

Travel In by Meg Hutchinson.

This is not the best quality video of the song, but the song Fools off Catie's new album was the one of hers that gave me chills:

Well worth the drive up to Cedar Rapids and the cold in the room.  Thank goodness I was wearing warm socks! :)

Lots of Thinking

So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.

So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.

Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".

Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.

The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.

I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.

(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)

Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.

I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.

My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.

grumbly cold

I hate how the cold gets into my feet and takes so so long to get out. Really wears me down. And my slippers never seem to be where I can find them easily.

Saw Beauty and the Beast today. Love the Disney movie to bits, one of, if not the favorite movie of all time of mine, and the play doesn't vary very much from the Disney movie, though they added several songs. Diana IS Belle, so adorable and spunky. And nearly all of the children in the audience thought she was Belle too. It was amazing and adorable to hear them call out "There's Belle!" and then after the show they approached her with such awe. Some were so shy they turned their faces into their mom's jackets. Kind of like meeting Santa or something. She was so gracious and sweet to them though, I think most overcame their fear.

The guy who played Gaston was absolutely amazing as well. He really got into it and looked very much like the cartoon. Hilarious. Loved their dance with the beer mugs in the tavern. And the "Be Our Guest" number was GREAT too. I finally figured out that the "cheese graters" were laundry baskets turned upside down and painted silver, brilliant!

The whole thing was 3 hours though. I have mixed feelings, part of the reason why it took so long was they completely changed the set for every location in the play and there were 7 scenes in the first act and 6 in the second. But the set pieces they had were SO clever that it was almost worth it. Lots of rolling panels that could be flipped around, and also unfolded, plus a big wall of tri-paneled scenes that would rotate. So for the size of their stage and the number of scenes and the amount of time they had, it was pretty astounding actually.

Came home and did some bills and had a money freakout. I have enough to cover my basic bills and I'm paying G back for my online courses so we don't have to rack up too much credit card interest, but there's not much to spare at all and it's frustrating. I've definitely gotten to a point where I don't just go around buying junk every week (well, passed that point a long time ago.) but there are a few bigger things I want that I don't NEED and therefore I'm not willing to just dump on the credit card, but I don't really see being able to save up for anytime in the near future either. For example, new laptop, video camera, iPhone, colored highlights, a real blog design. None of those things are passing whims either, I've wanted them all for over a year, and in some cases much longer.

I'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could get more work if I wanted it in a matter of a few phone calls at minimum and a few months at the most. I've actually turned down a few offers lately in the name of making sure I have more time for my music. But I haven't been putting that time to much music use. Not sure what the story is there. Well, there's the theory course, I HAVE been doing that (although I'm behind right now) but that doesn't involve hands on my guitar.

I used to get such joy out of it - just feeling the vibrational transfer from the body of the guitar to my body made me feel so good, so alive. My head critic is so in the way I think, so worried about how it sounds, is it good enough, interesting enough, will people get bored, will they zone out and miss the lyrics, are the lyrics good enough or are they trite, chatter chatter chatter - I forget what it FEELS like to play the guitar.

I'll have to look for that tomorrow. Force myself to make time for it and feel it out. I might need some new strings. My dad always says putting new strings on is like getting a whole new guitar.

Anyway, the whole upset got me real moody and I didn't work on my theory homework or my blog for the radio show on Tuesday. (Which should be a really good one I'm very excited about.) Although I AM kind of waiting to hear back if there are going to be 1 or 2 people calling in first. But I'll have to just put something up tomorrow morning if I don't hear back by then. The homework is to a point where I'm both behind on this week and have a bunch of old stuff I need to correct, so it feels way overwhelming.

I'm also fairly certain that I'm having a hard time handling all of this at the moment (it's not like it's really much different any other time of the month in terms of workload or finances) because of hormones, my face is definitely predicting things. Doesn't seem fair that one has to feel ugly AND emotional all at once.

It will be very interesting to look back over this month of posts and see if I can find any greater rhythms to it, I feel like I've been mostly a downer, but it also feels really good to write, write, write and process things out - for example that thing about how the guitar FEELS came to me as I was writing it, as a result of processing, and I think it's an important revelation.

Last thing, I'm worried about some of my online friends and it's a strange thing. I ONLY know them from online, but the connections we have feel important and real, and since they are musical connections they are ones that I don't have too many of in my offline life. One guy's MySpace page disappeared completely, I'm not sure if it was from his side or MySpace's that it got taken down, but I know he has health problems (not what, but that they are bad enough he's been offline for weeks at a time). He's always come back before, but his page has never disappeared before, so I don't know what that means. The other is a girl who just found out she has MS. I *think* she pretty much supports herself through her music, so I'm not sure how that is going to affect her life. She is super spunky and positive and a fighter, so if anyone can get through it's her. But the strangest thing is since I only know these people from online, if anything happens to them where they can't get back online again, I won't have a way of finding out what happened. It's not like I can track down their mom or something like I could with my friends I know offline. Weird and beautiful world this is. Strange.

Mergh

That's how my head feels. I asked. I said "How are you doing head?" and it said "Mergh". "bleah" my chest piped in, "hack, hack"

As I said on my Twitter: 6 bottles of juice, 2 big pots of tea, 1.5 boxes of kleenex and many, many vitamins & slices of toast later... head is still stuffed up. :-(

I'm making progress, I definitely woke up feeling better than I went to sleep the night before, but I was in no shape to go out today. Luckily my brain was cleared up enough that I managed to get through my music theory homework, which I definitely was NOT able to do yesterday, after 2 attempts. Got through it being the operative phrase, still not sure if I got it right, but I think I've finally gotten it.

Most of the lessons are actually a bit vague, and if you can't grasp the concept out of lesson you're a bit screwed. But not really, the professor has always helped me through it, and somehow after the 3rd round or so something clicks in. This is not for all the lessons, some are a breeze. Mostly stuff that has to do with minor scales and intervals that trips me up. sigh.

One of my twitter friends reminded me about using neti pot to wash congestion out of the nose and sinuses. Off to dig mine out of the cupboard and try it out.

cranky bear

cold makes me cranky.

I should be at the gym, but my iPod is dead, and my shoes and water bottle have been in the car for a week, so I assume both are FROZEN. grah.

Oh, ok. I'll just deal.

but I won't be happy about it. so there. >:-P