Let Go

This has been my theme song in the past few days.

I'm trying to get rid of things.

Just a little bit at a time. My mom does a thing where she tries to get rid of 3 things per day - trash, recycle, donate, whatever, just getting them out of her way. I'm not doing that exactly, but I am trying to pick little things.

So far it has been clothes. I've been holding on to so many clothing items hoping to fit them again, or because I feel like I don't have enough clothes and just having more available, even if I never wear them, is a security blanket. Like what if all the washers in the world broke and I needed something clean but that didn't fit right?! :P Some stuff I have has NEVER fit right, no matter what size I was/am. That's a little easier because I just have to remember how I felt uncomfortable wearing it, and out it goes. What is hard if it's something I actually really liked, something that was really cute. Especially now that I am on this weight loss program, and it's not totally insane to think that I might really be that size again someday. But even then, I'm trying to be more selective about what I keep. Some things I hold in my hand and look at it, and the little voice creeps in and says "let go, let go." and I throw it semi-reluctantly on the pile.

That was something today, the red shirt. I am still thinking about it. It's already dropped off at the secondhand shop, but it's lingering just a little. My friend gave it to me. It didn't quite fit her. Red. Baseball jersey style of sleeves, but didn't look like a jersey. Really cute on. Good style for me. But the "let go, let go" rang loud in my head. I told myself I could let the clothes sit in a pile on the stairwell for a while, like I'd done with the previous pile I'd made on a first pass through. But I walked by them and again "Let go, let go". So they came with me to the car in a bag.

I went to the pool, did my swimming, pushed myself to do 40 minutes instead of 30, hot tub after. Had a burrito out. Got home, realized the bag of clothes was still on my passenger seat. Should I drop them off later? Tomorrow maybe? I was already home. "Let go, let go." I shifted into reverse and drove to the secondhand shop. "Let go, let go" all the way from my car in the parking lot to the drop box. Goodbye super cute red shirt, blue jeans that were always too big, khaki jeans I never ever liked, grey long sleeve t that was boring and a tiny bit itchy (fraction of % polyester?).

I'm hoping this writing lets the red shirt go for good now. Maybe not, but it's out of my life, and I hope it looks really cute on the next person.

I think one of my next projects for clutter-busting is the cubby in the front entry. You wouldn't know it's a mess from the outside, but it's full of crap I haven't looked at in years, so how much could I need it? And it might be a nice break from the closet... and everything I get rid of really is a weight off. It's a good idea to do little bits at a time, that way it's never too overwhelming. Aha, maybe one shelf in the cubby per day??

Release and abundance working already. I can release all this stuff because I am trusting there is an abundance of what I need available to me when I need it.

So far no bad side effects from the pills. They definitely suppress appetite, which makes it much easier to cope with the reduced calorie intake. The first weeks are the hardest, getting used to eating less, so they are taking the edge off that hard part. I am so in love with my app food/exercise journal thing. It makes it fun to look up the foods, and easier too. Makes it more of a game. For example at the burrito place I was putting in the items and realized that the lemonade I had gotten was a whopping 300 calories, which would have left me with next to nothing for dinner, but I WAS thirsty and I did want it, so I just drank half of it. And then I'm going to be able to print out a spreadsheet to take to the Dr next month from the website! The app sends the info to your account there. Sweet.

Speaking of the Dr, I had to call the office to see if they had sent my physical form in for my potential job yet. They hadn't. She had a question but figured it out while I was on the phone, and promised to send it a few minutes after she hung up. I bet if I hadn't called it wouldn't have gotten done today. Sigh.

OK though, speaking of clothes I DO need, I need something to wear for the concert in two weeks. The other girls I'm working with started talking about it. I really have nothing besides the red dress, which isn't the color they are going for, and I wore that at the last concert. There are several other dresses from the same site that might work, and on sale for $30. If I got one in black, that might last a while, for other things. And if it didn't, well, I don't think I'll find any other outfit or be able to make something for that much. And I really don't think I have anything appropriate, nor do I know anyone the right size for borrowing. Hrm...

Well THAT was interesting...

So. hrm. What a day.

Found out I didn't get a part in the play. It's ok, I'm really looking forward to watching it! and I appreciate that they told me clearly and right away. Other productions I've auditioned for have sometimes not figured it out for weeks, and then sometimes just not said anything to the people not cast, which is weird and ambiguous and frustrating. So there, clean, done, no worries, moving on. I'm not sure I would have really had time for the rehearsals anyway. Well, I would have made time, but it may have been stressful. He did say he thought I read well, and hoped to work with me in the future, which was good to hear.

The Dr visit was not what I expected. I got in there and she told me that my thyroid was normal but she thought I was right and that she was going to give me a little boost for losing weight - as in, she prescribed me pills for it! Which was confusing because when I told her last month that yes I thought I could use some help with losing weight, I meant more like moral support or something, I never thought I was asking for drugs... She asked if I'd ever taken diet pills before and I said that I had for a little bit in college (it was an herbal thing) but it made me jittery. She told me that it was like speed (?! I'm now a little confused if she meant this or if she meant the stuff I'd tried before), that I was going to do just fine with it and probably would like it a lot, that other people are really happy with the results. She listened to my breathing/heart, looked at my eyes and glanced at my right shin (?!). Said I needed to exercise 30 minutes a day but no more than 15 of weight bearing so as not to put stress on the leg joints that might accelerate arthritis, and also to keep a food & exercise journal and come in for monthly follow up visits where they will weigh and measure inches and bring that journal to get a refill of the prescription.

Whoa.

I mean seriously, just the diet and exercise journal and having to come in to get measured would surely do something. I've fluctuated a lot since I was a teenager, but I gained a LOT of weight during corporate life. I haven't gained any in the two years since, just haven't lost any, but then I haven't TRIED to lose any either.

I went and got the pills, and then realized afterward that I have all these questions and I'm a bit nervous for the side effects, that I might get addicted, that I would just gain all the weight back after going off them, etc.

G and I spent some time today reading online reviews from users who all had mixed results, including some who had experiences that verified my fears. Some loved it, some didn't find that it worked. Some had to BEG their doctors to prescribe it, and mine goes ahead when I didn't even ask. And she has a background in natural medicine. I just can't quite figure out where she stands now...

On the other hand, if they could just give me a little boost, head start, get me on the right track, that could be encouraging, right? At the moment it just seems like so daunting a task to even start. And how dangerous are the side effects compared to the side effects of being too heavy, especially the older I get? I just don't know.

Anyway, she left and had the nurse come in and take my starting measurements. The nurse was about to leave when I asked her if I could have a copy of my labs and she seemed surprised that I hadn't heard the results yet, but she went and got the paper for me. Everything was normal/fine. As usual. I should be grateful that I continue to be healthy/normal when it comes to the lab work in the past couple of years. I am!

So, today I started using a nice little journal program on my iPod that helps you count calories and exercise. I went to the pool and did 45 minutes (15 extra minutes so I could earn more calories back for dinner!) of swimming/water walking (when the kids came in and needed the deep end for swim practice) and then had 10 minutes in the hot tub. I had a small dinner and two cups of herbal tea and I am still hungry. This is going to take some getting used to. The first days are always the worst. I just want this to be permanent. I'm done. I'm tired of being this way.

I decided my words for the year were "release" and "abundance". I couldn't pick just one. Just "release" was too scary, but "abundance" on its own didn't seem powerful or motivating enough. When I participated in a Peruvian ceremony for the new year, I asked specifically that I have an abundance of sweetness in my life that would satisfy my cravings for it so that I didn't feel so compelled to literally eat things, but I wouldn't feel deprived - I would have that sweetness and satisfaction in my life in other ways. I released the heavy energy I no longer needed, asking Mother Earth to help me transform it, compost it for new harvests. So that is part of the reason I am going to give these pills a try. Maybe this is part of some divine plan, a big jump start/reset button that is coming to me NOW, rather than any time previous. I don't remember specifically asking my Dr for this kind of help, but wow, now I am remembering, did I ever ask the universe. Indeed. Yikes...

Let's see what happens. People HAVE lost weight before and kept it off. Both of my parents and one of my brothers for instance. Which should bode well for me, right?

Oh, and I start a new semester of online music classes today. I got a teacher I had previously who I really like, so that's good. I'm excited to see how much I've learned combining with the new techniques they are teaching us in this one.