So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.
So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.
Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".
Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.
The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.
I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.
(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)
Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.
I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.
My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.
Showing posts with label open mic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label open mic. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Sprained again!!!!
(yup, another letter to the girls!)
Oh my girlies! What's happening to me? I just sprained my left ankle very badly last night. G and I were taking a walk past a house that has an apartment in it, and right when we got to the house, the sidewalk turned to lumpy brick and I came down HARD on my ankle... Luckily we were just 2 blocks away from my dad's, and just as we got there he turned on the light in the living room for just a minute (I imagine to get something before bed) and then turned it out again, so I knew he was still awake. He took us back to our cars, and I iced it when I got home and put some homeopathic creme on it.... but it woke me up at about 6:30 in the morning because it was hurting. I didn't want to take anything for it especially because I was supposed to take a blood test this morning, and I was supposed to do a 12 hr fast before, so I didn't want painkillers to mess with the results. (yay for sleeping through most of the fast :D ) And I didn't want to put the test off because I HAD fasted, AND it's only once a month that this test is offered for just $5... :P
So my dad came over in the morning at about 8:30 and drove me to the hospital, rented me a pair of crutches and off to the lab I swing. Even after resting a while, and drinking some juice and eating part of a powerbar thingy I still felt a bit woozy, but REALLY wanted to be home to rest rather than in a hospital. (I'm soooo sensitive to hospital vibes). So I asked my dad if he thought they would let me have a wheelchair out to the car. And they did! Jennie's mom works in the hospital gift shop, and she came out looking very concerned, so I had to quickly explain the situation...
Then at 10:30 I had a chiropractors appointment, where we discovered from my file that exactly 3 years ago to the day I sprained my ankle and went in to get work on it!!! creepy! He did some good things, a couple painful things, but afterwards my ankle now feels more like it's just really wiped out, rather than screaming in pain.... He gave me a bottle of anti inflamatory enzymes and I have to take 15 a day, as far away from eating as possible so that they work on my ankle and not on my food. I've been icing it too, and taking and applying Amazon herbs... I've been through this before, but this seems to be a bit worse. ugh. I've been doing a bit of Reiki, which seems to be helping too.
AND I also have to go up to Iowa City tonight to the Free Clinic to get more tests... Might as well get them all over with at once I guess, but NO FUN! My mom and brother are going to drive me up.
I should probably back up a bit and explain, I'm not sure how much I've told people... I've been really depressed lately, and tired, and I think both of those kind of feed each other. Plus I've pretty much gained back all the weight I lost on Weight Watchers. I think it's largely a career/soul-dying type of thing, but along with that probably some hormone imbalance, which is why the doctor at the Raj wants me to take these tests, so she can be sure and then prescribe more stuff. A lot of it is pretty much classic Kapha depression/inertia. (who me? kapha?)
She also wants me to go to counseling, and start taking a dance class and getting more exercise. Which is grrrr, because of my ankle now, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back on it. But like hearing that stuff made me MORE sad for a few days, like "oh, it's official, I'm depressed" and I started recognizing things I've been stuffing about work, etc on top of the regular "what do I do/am I doing with my life?" stuff. The big me knows I'll get through this, but my heart is sooo sad right now.
It's not all bad. Stacey, the director of ArtLife praises and validates me all the time, even when some of the stuff I did on the new brochure was wrong because I've always worked with 4-color printing and this was one color. We just fixed it and she was really pleased with the end result. I guess since this job is more for cultural enrichment she has more room to let things flow by that don't go right, whereas my dad's livelihood and future is riding on the stuff we do at his office. (Note to self: avoid that kind of too much pressure in the future!)
Gilberto is sweet and supportive as ever. I feel just awful sometimes, he gets really lost as to what to do to cheer me up and make me happy. I tell him it's not his job to MAKE me happy, and I AM happy to be with him, my heart just feels so good, and he loves me warts and all. While at the moment it happens I don't always like it, I'm so greatful that he often seems able to just start laughing at me when I am at my most distraught, because he can see the bigger picture outside the temper tantrum. Sometimes I manage to hook him in though, which isn't fun, but we always manage to work through that too. We took a great walk the night after the full moon when it was still really big. yum. And we had a good talk where we said "ok, we're engaged." but I probably still won't share much with my extended family until we have a more socially acceptable symbol like a ring. I have a feeling the grandparents are going to have a little tiny itch at the fact he's not the boy next door, but from the next continent...
I joined a really wonderful little women's group. We meet once a week and talk and listen, and some Native American rituals are incorporated. I wished it could be with people a bit more my age, but actually at least a couple women are more in their 30's than 50's, which helps, and we're all women really, no matter the age. Everyone is so brave and beautiful and it's so calming and grounding to be there. I wish it was more often!
Matt McLeod (for those of you who remember him) started an open mic at Cafe Paradiso every Wednesday night, and I've been going whenever I can to just watch the past few weeks. But last night I actually played a few songs, which felt really good. Nothing new, but good to just do, and my voice sounded good to me, and I got a LOT of positive feedback afterwards! so I hope that will stir up some creative drive for me. I invited my friend Kevin to come, and when he got there it hadn't quite started yet and not many people were there, so there were plenty of slots open. I told him he could borrow my guitar if he wanted, or if he wasn't ready for that I had a book of Hafiz poems in my backpack and he should just pick a few and read them. He's an English teacher/volunteer drama coach at FHS, Collin's favorite teacher and also in my improv group. He grew up in Iowa and did the same drama competitions I did in HS. We probably even performed some of the same years! I introduced him to Hafiz a little while ago and he's thinking of using some of the poems in the next drama competition. So knowing he was familiar with improvising, poetry, and Hafiz I thought it was a good offer, and he took me up on it and did a great job. yay. It's good to have a performing/concert buddy too. G is utterly supportive, but he's a scientist . Probably part of why we work so well.
So yeah. It was kind of a bummer to have this whole ankle thing happen when I felt like I was taking some big steps in the right direction.... I remember having a very clear feeling of "This spraining my ankle in front of this house is NOT an indication that I shouldn't rent here, it means something else." I don't know what exactly, but yeah. Something else for sure. Any ideas?
LOVE YOU!
H
Oh my girlies! What's happening to me? I just sprained my left ankle very badly last night. G and I were taking a walk past a house that has an apartment in it, and right when we got to the house, the sidewalk turned to lumpy brick and I came down HARD on my ankle... Luckily we were just 2 blocks away from my dad's, and just as we got there he turned on the light in the living room for just a minute (I imagine to get something before bed) and then turned it out again, so I knew he was still awake. He took us back to our cars, and I iced it when I got home and put some homeopathic creme on it.... but it woke me up at about 6:30 in the morning because it was hurting. I didn't want to take anything for it especially because I was supposed to take a blood test this morning, and I was supposed to do a 12 hr fast before, so I didn't want painkillers to mess with the results. (yay for sleeping through most of the fast :D ) And I didn't want to put the test off because I HAD fasted, AND it's only once a month that this test is offered for just $5... :P
So my dad came over in the morning at about 8:30 and drove me to the hospital, rented me a pair of crutches and off to the lab I swing. Even after resting a while, and drinking some juice and eating part of a powerbar thingy I still felt a bit woozy, but REALLY wanted to be home to rest rather than in a hospital. (I'm soooo sensitive to hospital vibes). So I asked my dad if he thought they would let me have a wheelchair out to the car. And they did! Jennie's mom works in the hospital gift shop, and she came out looking very concerned, so I had to quickly explain the situation...
Then at 10:30 I had a chiropractors appointment, where we discovered from my file that exactly 3 years ago to the day I sprained my ankle and went in to get work on it!!! creepy! He did some good things, a couple painful things, but afterwards my ankle now feels more like it's just really wiped out, rather than screaming in pain.... He gave me a bottle of anti inflamatory enzymes and I have to take 15 a day, as far away from eating as possible so that they work on my ankle and not on my food. I've been icing it too, and taking and applying Amazon herbs... I've been through this before, but this seems to be a bit worse. ugh. I've been doing a bit of Reiki, which seems to be helping too.
AND I also have to go up to Iowa City tonight to the Free Clinic to get more tests... Might as well get them all over with at once I guess, but NO FUN! My mom and brother are going to drive me up.
I should probably back up a bit and explain, I'm not sure how much I've told people... I've been really depressed lately, and tired, and I think both of those kind of feed each other. Plus I've pretty much gained back all the weight I lost on Weight Watchers. I think it's largely a career/soul-dying type of thing, but along with that probably some hormone imbalance, which is why the doctor at the Raj wants me to take these tests, so she can be sure and then prescribe more stuff. A lot of it is pretty much classic Kapha depression/inertia. (who me? kapha?)
She also wants me to go to counseling, and start taking a dance class and getting more exercise. Which is grrrr, because of my ankle now, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back on it. But like hearing that stuff made me MORE sad for a few days, like "oh, it's official, I'm depressed" and I started recognizing things I've been stuffing about work, etc on top of the regular "what do I do/am I doing with my life?" stuff. The big me knows I'll get through this, but my heart is sooo sad right now.
It's not all bad. Stacey, the director of ArtLife praises and validates me all the time, even when some of the stuff I did on the new brochure was wrong because I've always worked with 4-color printing and this was one color. We just fixed it and she was really pleased with the end result. I guess since this job is more for cultural enrichment she has more room to let things flow by that don't go right, whereas my dad's livelihood and future is riding on the stuff we do at his office. (Note to self: avoid that kind of too much pressure in the future!)
Gilberto is sweet and supportive as ever. I feel just awful sometimes, he gets really lost as to what to do to cheer me up and make me happy. I tell him it's not his job to MAKE me happy, and I AM happy to be with him, my heart just feels so good, and he loves me warts and all. While at the moment it happens I don't always like it, I'm so greatful that he often seems able to just start laughing at me when I am at my most distraught, because he can see the bigger picture outside the temper tantrum. Sometimes I manage to hook him in though, which isn't fun, but we always manage to work through that too. We took a great walk the night after the full moon when it was still really big. yum. And we had a good talk where we said "ok, we're engaged." but I probably still won't share much with my extended family until we have a more socially acceptable symbol like a ring. I have a feeling the grandparents are going to have a little tiny itch at the fact he's not the boy next door, but from the next continent...
I joined a really wonderful little women's group. We meet once a week and talk and listen, and some Native American rituals are incorporated. I wished it could be with people a bit more my age, but actually at least a couple women are more in their 30's than 50's, which helps, and we're all women really, no matter the age. Everyone is so brave and beautiful and it's so calming and grounding to be there. I wish it was more often!
Matt McLeod (for those of you who remember him) started an open mic at Cafe Paradiso every Wednesday night, and I've been going whenever I can to just watch the past few weeks. But last night I actually played a few songs, which felt really good. Nothing new, but good to just do, and my voice sounded good to me, and I got a LOT of positive feedback afterwards! so I hope that will stir up some creative drive for me. I invited my friend Kevin to come, and when he got there it hadn't quite started yet and not many people were there, so there were plenty of slots open. I told him he could borrow my guitar if he wanted, or if he wasn't ready for that I had a book of Hafiz poems in my backpack and he should just pick a few and read them. He's an English teacher/volunteer drama coach at FHS, Collin's favorite teacher and also in my improv group. He grew up in Iowa and did the same drama competitions I did in HS. We probably even performed some of the same years! I introduced him to Hafiz a little while ago and he's thinking of using some of the poems in the next drama competition. So knowing he was familiar with improvising, poetry, and Hafiz I thought it was a good offer, and he took me up on it and did a great job. yay. It's good to have a performing/concert buddy too. G is utterly supportive, but he's a scientist . Probably part of why we work so well.
So yeah. It was kind of a bummer to have this whole ankle thing happen when I felt like I was taking some big steps in the right direction.... I remember having a very clear feeling of "This spraining my ankle in front of this house is NOT an indication that I shouldn't rent here, it means something else." I don't know what exactly, but yeah. Something else for sure. Any ideas?
LOVE YOU!
H
Saturday, March 27, 2004
I hate not having money
I wish I had tons of it.... that would solve a LOT of my problems.
I want G to come with me to Erin's wedding. He can't afford it, time or money wise, and it's true, it probably would be hard to really get to know anyone in such a short time and he'd be bored.... probably... suck. I just reaaallllllllly want him to meet my girlfriends BEFORE our wedding... and I'm a little hurt because I feel like he doesn't get how important they are to me... I think that's more of the issue for me really... the core important thing. Even if he really couldn't come, if he could somehow get that... I don't know.. I'm really, really sad. He kept telling me to think with my head for a minute instead of just my heart, and that made me more angry, because I know he's right, to a point. If he really, really wanted to go though, he'd make it happen. but it's not important enough for him. why should it be? a bunch of strangers at a formal event? missing class and work, shelling out $400 minimum for 3 days? yeah. forget it. My heart is breaking though. and I'm furious that once again money has to be such a big issue. dammit.
Went to open mic. Paul did a great bit with a chicken puppet. Buc Buc on Broadway. Sang a bunch of showtunes entirely with chicken sounds... He had me read off the songs when he wrote the title on a white board, for the people sitting in the back. heh heh. So I guess I did get to participate a little.
I need to get up early and do a bunch of stuff. crap. crap. crap. The brochures look good though. really good. they came out well. They are charging us a bunch for artwork. grr. I learned a lot for next time. sigh. ugh.
I want G to come with me to Erin's wedding. He can't afford it, time or money wise, and it's true, it probably would be hard to really get to know anyone in such a short time and he'd be bored.... probably... suck. I just reaaallllllllly want him to meet my girlfriends BEFORE our wedding... and I'm a little hurt because I feel like he doesn't get how important they are to me... I think that's more of the issue for me really... the core important thing. Even if he really couldn't come, if he could somehow get that... I don't know.. I'm really, really sad. He kept telling me to think with my head for a minute instead of just my heart, and that made me more angry, because I know he's right, to a point. If he really, really wanted to go though, he'd make it happen. but it's not important enough for him. why should it be? a bunch of strangers at a formal event? missing class and work, shelling out $400 minimum for 3 days? yeah. forget it. My heart is breaking though. and I'm furious that once again money has to be such a big issue. dammit.
Went to open mic. Paul did a great bit with a chicken puppet. Buc Buc on Broadway. Sang a bunch of showtunes entirely with chicken sounds... He had me read off the songs when he wrote the title on a white board, for the people sitting in the back. heh heh. So I guess I did get to participate a little.
I need to get up early and do a bunch of stuff. crap. crap. crap. The brochures look good though. really good. they came out well. They are charging us a bunch for artwork. grr. I learned a lot for next time. sigh. ugh.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Guess who?
frost traced every vein
as she lay on the ground
her dress that was once amber
has now faded to brown
she used to be secure
and dance at slightest whim
now frozen and muddied
she's following the wind
others who will take her place
are waiting now in line
they have the youth and beauty
she lost in such short time
her parting gift - to nourish
as she dries to dusty lace
with frost tracing her veins
she lived, and leaves with grace
It's about a leaf silly! an old dead leaf I saw on the ground when I went for a walk this morning... but it was all pretty and frosted over. actually lots of them were.
And now: LIVE! Ripped directly from a paper table cloth at open mic night. (after I wrote it of course, while listening to many inspiring performers)
let me in
take me out
speak before knowing
give voice to my doubt
It's always beginning
& may never end
You want more than is needed
but some rules can bend
What do you need in THIS moment?
I can tell that you're starting to smile
the pigeons are driving me crazy
but I haven't seen you for a while
why can't you tell me the real things
what your heart really said last night
I've already heard this old story
about how it's wrong to be right
I have no idea what it means... honestly. It just sort of spewed. And frankly I'm just so excited that anything even resembling creativity is coming out of me, I don't really care! It's nice to have lots of raw stuff to come back to later and see if it will polish up into anything pretty.
Open mics rock my world. I haven't performed at one for quite a while now. I don't think I've ever seen anyone SOOO awful bad that I would leave, and like Tim was saying - even the people who aren't really ready for performance have something to give, and you always come away with something from the evening, often unexpected. Matt totally would have let me perform last night. I could have used his guitar or something, but yeah.... like I told him, I haven't really touched my guitar in over a month. Well, I've touched it, but not long enough to have something worthy of performing. Open mic tomorrow at Morning Star too. If I even had one mini-set I wouldn't care about doing it at both... I totally want to re-do Matt's poster. It so doesn't grab attention.... I wonder if he would be offended... I might do it anyway. You should be able to see it from across the room! for reals!
as she lay on the ground
her dress that was once amber
has now faded to brown
she used to be secure
and dance at slightest whim
now frozen and muddied
she's following the wind
others who will take her place
are waiting now in line
they have the youth and beauty
she lost in such short time
her parting gift - to nourish
as she dries to dusty lace
with frost tracing her veins
she lived, and leaves with grace
It's about a leaf silly! an old dead leaf I saw on the ground when I went for a walk this morning... but it was all pretty and frosted over. actually lots of them were.
And now: LIVE! Ripped directly from a paper table cloth at open mic night. (after I wrote it of course, while listening to many inspiring performers)
let me in
take me out
speak before knowing
give voice to my doubt
It's always beginning
& may never end
You want more than is needed
but some rules can bend
What do you need in THIS moment?
I can tell that you're starting to smile
the pigeons are driving me crazy
but I haven't seen you for a while
why can't you tell me the real things
what your heart really said last night
I've already heard this old story
about how it's wrong to be right
I have no idea what it means... honestly. It just sort of spewed. And frankly I'm just so excited that anything even resembling creativity is coming out of me, I don't really care! It's nice to have lots of raw stuff to come back to later and see if it will polish up into anything pretty.
Open mics rock my world. I haven't performed at one for quite a while now. I don't think I've ever seen anyone SOOO awful bad that I would leave, and like Tim was saying - even the people who aren't really ready for performance have something to give, and you always come away with something from the evening, often unexpected. Matt totally would have let me perform last night. I could have used his guitar or something, but yeah.... like I told him, I haven't really touched my guitar in over a month. Well, I've touched it, but not long enough to have something worthy of performing. Open mic tomorrow at Morning Star too. If I even had one mini-set I wouldn't care about doing it at both... I totally want to re-do Matt's poster. It so doesn't grab attention.... I wonder if he would be offended... I might do it anyway. You should be able to see it from across the room! for reals!
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