Learning, learning, learning

So. Saturday. I think it went pretty well. I ended up singing with someone who was already in the show and already knew and loved the song. He's much more experienced than I am with guitar so it was nice to have him play and just be able to focus on the vocals and projecting. He was doing a different version of the song, so I'm not sure exactly how it fit together when we sang the same last verse, I tried to follow him, but we only had an hour or so to work on it a few hours before the show. In any case, the producers liked it, and I felt strong and confident in what it was, I totally had fun and let go of it being any more than we had time to do in the time we had.

The emcee totally dissed the song before we came on, saying he wondered why it was in the show at all and then found out backstage just before coming on that it had also been covered by someone famous/cool, so maybe he was ok with it now or somthing. It was weird. Especially since it was ON the list of possible songs to sing sent out by the producer, not just something I came up with! It was good to get feedback from people later about various things because it helped me see a little more objectively which parts were coming down to a matter of taste, and that maybe next time I can be a little more confident in my opinions, in saying, "That's nice, but this is the way *I* want this to happen", sort of a thing. If there is a next time. I'm soooo glad I did it, but not sure if that is the arena for me to pursue... We'll see. I felt really comfortable up there, natural. I wasn't nervous afterward. I did get good feedback from a bunch of people, even after the night, which I always consider to be the true test. If they see you later and say something, when you didn't even know if they were there or not, that means they didn't HAVE to say it so you know it's genuine.

I did my warm-up routine that afternoon before rehearsing, I think that is part of what helped. Also that the sound guy told me as we were prepping - "just get right up on the mic, don't be afraid!" somehow that snapped something in me (in a good way!) and I just went for it.

Also, surprise, surprise (not really!), turns out I was PMSing on Christmas Eve, so yeah, it was a crummy situation, but that helped me feel like I was not a true, terrible basket case/lost cause (just a temporary one) and that I might in fact be able to handle more of this kind of stuff than I thought - on good days at least. It seems unfair that the PMS so often turns up as me questioning my whole right to exist and be happy and follow my dreams. Rotten sabotager!!

Got to hang out with J while she did a few errands/appointments in IC yesterday. Nice to reconnect, nice to talk about art/acting/singing and fears and insecurities and hopes and see how much it's the same and also how much I've moved ahead by working through The Artist's Way. Also goes to show it doesn't really matter where you live as an artist. The same drama and headtrips, internal and external, happen in small towns and big cities alike.

The last couple weeks have also been just showing me how effective the tools I have are, IF I USE THEM. The journaling, the singing warm up. They work. It's all simple, useful, much less drama, I have them already! Not hard! The thing that's in my way is my head and more and more often I'm seeing that and just tired of it. So good. Progress. Sheesh.

I wrote a screenplay over the past couple of days and submitted it to a local contest. It's super short format, I may have even made it too long. Two pages over the "minute per page" rule, but it's hard to tell how long it would be when acted out. I hope it still qualifies. Hard to know. I have no idea if it's any good. Maybe it's stupid. But I freaking wrote a screenplay! Are you kidding me??? Who am I?

Part of me says I'm dinking around, distracting myself from songwriting, thinking that maybe screenwriting is easier only because I haven't done it before and don't know all the things I need to know, being too naive. Part of me says "You're a writer. There are many formats available for storytelling and for this story you chose a screenplay."

It's a simple little thing. Not much happens. I wonder if there's even enough time for all the action AND the dialogue to happen in the allotted time. But part of me is hoping that the simple is beautiful, that it's a little snapshot of "Oh, I recognize a little bit of me there, I don't feel so alone." Not world changing or funny or gimmicky, no twist at the end really. It might not be enough for the contest judges, but I feel good to have done it. I'm not attached.

I'll know by the middle of next month if anything comes of it with this contest, if not, maybe I'll post it somewhere. Dunno...

Anyway, been really terrible about sleep lately, gonna try to bump it up by a little tonight, maybe a half hour per night and get back in the swing of things. Silly holidays throwing everything all out of wack. Or me allowing that as an excuse at least... hrmph.

Lots of Thinking

So I went to Open Mic tonight. Played "My Bright Star", the new version that I fancied up and polished with Sharon's help. Had more of a sense of calm than I remember in a long time, if ever, because I felt pretty good about it for the most part. Played it without a paper, managed to look out into the audience a few times. It felt like people got pretty quiet and listened. Same for the second song I did, which was one I wrote TONIGHT. Well, finished. I've had the chorus since the summer and have so wanted to get some verses for it. Well, I don't think it's DONE yet, but it had enough of a form to share it anyway. I was definitely looking down at my paper the whole time, but it came out fairly smoothly and again, people seemed to be listening.

So it felt like people were listening, and they clapped and all, but not many people seemed to say anything afterwards. Which is kind of disconcerting. Doesn't have to mean anything exactly, but you know, if it was FABULOUS and AMAZING people would say something, right? Not that I really expect myself to be FABULOUS and AMAZING in a little open mic exactly, but... Oh bother. I'm not sure what I'm saying except that it would be nice to get some feedback you know? One way or the other.

Anyway, it's cool that I have a new song to play with and work on. I really love the chorus, need to make sure the verses live up to it, so they may need some polishing/reworking. It's called "House That Love Built".

Trick made a comment on one of my recent posts, the one with the freakout about spending money on music classes with no promise of return on the investment that was so true and so what I needed to hear. I mean, don't spend money on food and haircuts and such expecting that they will pay me back, I just have that experience in the moment and enjoy it. It's not exaclty the same really, but in any case, I can't be doing this expecting to get something out of it, expecting to be paid back for it by performing my songs. That's a lot of pressure to put on me, and the songs, and a sure way to stifle them and drain the joy out of the whole thing. It should be for me, because I want it and need it so I can better express the things I think/feel/hear in my head and heart.

The first thing, the main thing, the only thing is to CONNECT. I want to open people's hearts and maybe even their minds. I want to help them feel better about themselves, to let them know that they are not alone, that there is hope and an other side to things. I want to make them laugh, and help them recognize the bits of themselves that are universal. I want to point out the little things that people forget to stop and notice, bring their attention to the little beauties in life that make it worth living. CONNECT, SOOTH, REFRESH, UPLIFT, INSPIRE. This is what I get out of my favorite music, the stuff I listen to again and again. This is what I want to offer with MY music. I'm not sure if I've even written anything that does that yet! waaaah. But if it was, the rest would have to follow, would fall into place. Not without awareness and action, but it would happen.

I'm so fascinated and aware of the whole marketing/business aspect of things, that it's easy to get caught up and stuck in that part. But it's a bit cart before the horse at the moment. Which I've been aware of before, that I have all the ideas but no product. But even that is putting it in business terms and taking the spontaneous joy of creating out of it. It's plugging back into the WHY I want to make music, what inspired me to even remotely THINK of it as a possibility for devoting the majority of my time to. Knowing that I have very marketable skills to fall back on, whether for promoting my own endeavors or for working for someone else is just a safety net that should give me a whole lot of room to leap.

(Tangent, I'm just looking down and noticing that the colors in my shirt totally match the colors in the afghan I have on my lap. Love it. Thanks Nandi!)

Been thinking also lately about some posts I've seen where people say they hate it when people leave one or two word comments. I think that's rubbish. I would personally rather have a one or two word comment that lets me know people are out there reading and hearing what I have to say than not know at all. It's really hard to know if anyone is paying attention in the online world unless you get a comment. But it's also hard to have time to respond to everything. And sometimes there's really nothing add to what's already been said, other than "awesome", "I hear you", "I agree", "bummer" or whatever. But just to know there's someone out there, that it's not going out into a void. Same with the radio show.

I can have all the stats I want, but it's not the same as a personal connection, knowing there is a real person on the other end of the line. There it is again - CONNECTION.

My feet are like ice, even with socks, shoes and afghan. damn. But before I go to bed can I just say that even though I've been feeling a little self indulgent and mopey on here (hormones confirmed!), this kind of journaling feels SO much more productive than the vicious "I want a boyfriend" circle of books I filled up in HS and college? Thank GOODNESS.