hrm

So the check in with the Dr went well. She reminded me of some things I already know, and she knows I know, but I don't know why I haven't been doing them. Refined a few points. I forgot to ask some questions (which always seems to happen to me in Dr offices! I just blank!) but nothing that I came away with feeling urgent about. And my cranky mood of the few days previous really lifted after. Go figure.

.5lbs and I will hit the 25lbs lost mark. That's exciting. I'm getting back clothes I haven't worn in a few years, also exciting. I sort of got rid of a bunch of stuff in the past year that I didn't really think I'd wear again, and I'm suddenly wishing I still had. Really only a few things though. I was pretty good about evaluating if I really liked the items even when they did fit, and only hanging on to stuff I actually liked.

Still have a few ups and downs, but generally better.

Thought I was going to get a raise at one of my jobs and found out that I'm already being paid at the rate they wanted to raise me to! ha! I really thought I was getting less but it must just be the stuff they have to withhold. I'm glad they thought I was worth it, and they did say they would try to bring it up later if they can.

Did find out that the money situation at my other job is actually better than I thought and everyone involved was happy about that, so good deal there.

Bought a hip-hop exercise video to try out at home. It was $9 so I figure even if I only ever do it 3 times I will have gotten my money's worth since it's $4 to go to the gym. Tried it out the other day and had fun even though I felt a bit like a doofus and the rug was slipping around. Next time I will roll up the rug, and having done the moves once, they should be easier. And in any case I broke a sweat and enjoyed myself which are really my main personal requirements for exercise these days.

I CANNOT WAIT until it's warm and dry enough to do stuff outside like walk and bike!! The time is approaching! The snow has melted and that teeny, tiny bit of green is creeping up through the dead grass.

Did some lovely work with my mom on ancestors. Learned a lot there, and we'll do more in the coming weeks.

Repotted a bunch of houseplants and they are SO happy! New leaves already!

Brother has started putting cardboard out in the garden to keep the weeds/grass from growing up, hopefully sparing us some digging/tilling headaches. We'll need to start our seeds soon!

Realizing I need to try and sort out my summer plans pretty soon here. Funds are in serious short supply and as a caretaker I don't take leaving the person who needs my help lightly! Plus since I don't have any paid vacation, when I don't work, I'm not only spending money, I'm missing out on making it. (A neglected fact that slightly tripped us up after Peru, sigh.)

Found out today a cousin in CA is getting married in May. Have known for a while that one of my best friends from college is graduating in May in Portland, which will also be the time when the other girls (who can) from that group will gather. Best friend since grade school is getting married in August and I am IN that wedding, which beautifully dovetails both time and location-wise with my trip to Song School in CO. At least 3 if not 5 of my family are going to the CO wedding. Not sure who can afford what and how long everyone can stay, and the cabins we're suggested to rent require a 4 night minimum. And then I'm staying for an extra week after that for Song School and Folks Fest. So yes, transportation, lodging, logistics, people to cover for me while I'm gone all need to be figured out. Ay yi yi.

Have a few writing projects that I volunteered for, plus homework still to catch up on. All of it at once is kind of freaking me out and leading to procrastination. argh. Nothing new, just nerve-wracking since now it's not only me who wants the things done but others as well! eek! And some of it is to promote shows coming through, people I'm sort of sponsoring/supporting and I really want the shows to be successful! And I know I'll feel so personally responsible if they're not! wahhh.

Deep breath, time to sleep.

oh crap... daylight savings. what time is it really now? yikes. I WAS doing better with bedtime for a couple days there.

Sheesh

Well, we didn't ever get the super crazy snowstorm they had us all worried about, but it HAS been snowing off and on for a couple days now and we've got quite a few inches.

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

I have to admit, I'm just the tiniest bit disappointed it didn't happen! They really had people all freaking out and stocking up. I guess it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and it IS really cold and you DO have to be careful driving.

I managed to stay in all day until about 8:30pm when I decided I better go out for some medicine. My tummy hasn't been right since I got back from Peru - that's a whole week now! and the more natural stuff I've been trying helped a little but hasn't set it right. This stuff I got is supposed to work within two days and if it doesn't it's a bigger problem than I thought. I have a Dr. appt. on Friday for some routine stuff but if this is still going on I may ask them to switch the nature of the appt. argh. Let's just hope the medicine does the job.

I had thought I was going to drive out to Wal-Mart to get it, but as I was passing by Drugtown I saw the trees lined up against the wall and the lights still on. I wrestled with myself for a block and turned around at the next light to go back. I hadn't brought any ropes or anything to hold a tree, but I figured out that G's back seats fold down and if I got a little tree it should fit in. It did! I had to leave the hatch open about an inch but it wasn't far to drive home. The poor tree is all snowy from the past couple days and smashed to one side from leaning on the wall. I hope when we get it set up it will fluff out evenly... It's just leaning on the porch right now, but I feel very good to have it. Last year somehow I missed getting a tree and had to get out the emergency fake one and was all depressed about that, so at least we got one.

Speaking of depressed, I got an email today that the cafe where I've been making Saturday brunch since the spring is going to be closed on Saturdays until they open in their new location. What a huge bummer! It wasn't a lot of hours, but those hours were something I could rely on and they made a difference in my life, especially the tips, meager though they be. Between that and the caramel, that was my fun money - for getting coffee, for going to concerts, etc. I haven't had to go to the ATM for a long time pretty much because of that cash, and I knew that anything I was putting into the account would all go to bills. So now, no gallery, no cafe, no green light projects with our business (one we're taking payment installments for the next couple months, so that will help a tiny bit, and we have a couple waiting for someone to "pull the trigger" or "get funding approved" so who knows when that could be).

So yeah, um, this is like too big of a cosmic joke not to have a punchline, and the second December in a row (3rd if you count AS, but I WAS working for half of the month) where I find myself without work, though last year I was able to get temporary unemployment (that turned into actual unemployment). My friend sent me a couple of job listings, but the corporate business speak language made me nauseous just to read it. Dynamic team, self motivated, attention to detail, blah blah blah. URGH!!!! If I absolutely have to I could go back to a job like that for a little while, but I really can't stand to think of it.

The part time stuff was good, enough of a reliable income that I could squeak by, not so overwhelming as to get me depressed or freaked out about not having enough time. I think they'll pick the cafe back up when they move to the new location, and I did ask (again) if I could be trained on coffee so I'll have more options for hours there, so we'll see what comes of it.

The thing that most bums me out is today is the day that we could reserve our Song School slots, but with over $1000 of just basic debt owed to G from being short the past couple months, a bigass student loan for my music classes that has actually gotten BIGGER since I took it on even though I've been paying towards it for a good 6 months (STUPID INTEREST, TOTAL SCAM! grrrrr), and no foreseeable income in the near future, it just seems wrong to put $100 down on the credit card. I guess I know what I want for Christmas...

Song School starts the day after S's wedding next summer. PERFECT timing. I don't know what my work schedule would be by next August, but in an ideal world, I go out there early to help her, maybe a week, at least a few days, and then wedding Saturday, probably brunch Sunday, and then drive the 20 minutes up to to Lyons and set up camp! PERFECT. So I mean, it has to work out, and if I get the reservation as a Christmas present, then at least I'll have it and I'll have till May I think to come up with the rest of the $.

S showed me pictures of her dress today and it is SO perfect for her. Very much just embodies her. Classic, elegant, just a touch of funky. Awesome. She wants kind of like a bouquet of colors for the bridesmaids, JPC seems to have several possibilities that could work for her colorwise, though I'm not sure I want to buy a dress quite so far in advance in case I change sizes...hrmmm. I got kind of teary excited looking at all the pictures. I am just so happy for her that she's getting to have this and doing it her way. Which is how it should be for any wedding, but it's kind of a bigger deal for her because she was kind of not into the whole marriage thing for quite a while, but she did always want the white dress and the ring, and now she's got 'em!

I wrote a song tonight. Real fast and rough. Can't tell if it's any good, but part of the whole Artist's Way thing is "I take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." So just create, create, create. You have to keep working to get better, just do it. So yeah. I wrote a song. I noticed myself at the beginning wanting to say "I think I wrote a song." BS. I DID, I freaking wrote one, with chords and everything. What I mean when I say "I think I wrote a song" is, "I wrote something, but I'm afraid it's crap, so if I present it to you as a draft type of thing, maybe you'll go easy on me." If I get a good take, I might even post the video of it. We'll see.

I hate not having money

I wish I had tons of it.... that would solve a LOT of my problems.

I want G to come with me to Erin's wedding. He can't afford it, time or money wise, and it's true, it probably would be hard to really get to know anyone in such a short time and he'd be bored.... probably... suck. I just reaaallllllllly want him to meet my girlfriends BEFORE our wedding... and I'm a little hurt because I feel like he doesn't get how important they are to me... I think that's more of the issue for me really... the core important thing. Even if he really couldn't come, if he could somehow get that... I don't know.. I'm really, really sad. He kept telling me to think with my head for a minute instead of just my heart, and that made me more angry, because I know he's right, to a point. If he really, really wanted to go though, he'd make it happen. but it's not important enough for him. why should it be? a bunch of strangers at a formal event? missing class and work, shelling out $400 minimum for 3 days? yeah. forget it. My heart is breaking though. and I'm furious that once again money has to be such a big issue. dammit.

Went to open mic. Paul did a great bit with a chicken puppet. Buc Buc on Broadway. Sang a bunch of showtunes entirely with chicken sounds... He had me read off the songs when he wrote the title on a white board, for the people sitting in the back. heh heh. So I guess I did get to participate a little.

I need to get up early and do a bunch of stuff. crap. crap. crap. The brochures look good though. really good. they came out well. They are charging us a bunch for artwork. grr. I learned a lot for next time. sigh. ugh.

wow

today I was soooo tired and miserable. ugh. and staying up right now to do this won't help anything tomorrow really. But yuck.

Good thing - both the AQ and the YG are at the printers. No more to do about them, onscreen anyway. Now I have to enter all the addresses for mailing, because that is the whole point of printing so many extra, to mail them out... I have learned a lot I didn't know, and it was cool to see the blueline of the AQ printed out all big and stuff! weeeee! I only ever saw it tiny on my screen, or really tiny printed out...

Got my oil changed, free car wash, and vacuumed out my car too! Dropped of Wally's cards at the At Home store, and we'll see what Rosie says. Maybe she will take a few, and I could get The Antique Flower Garden to take some too... I think that would be 2 good places to sell them... Sorta different clientel prolly. Yeah. Hope that works out.

Cried a lot at work today. Dad came in to tell me something and asked what was the matter... Saw a documentary of Joni Mitchell last night, which make me all sad about not doing my music. She talked about one of her grandmothers who kicked a door off the hinges because she was so creatively frustrated, and how her other grandmother was too, and she felt like maybe she was the one to break the cycle... G was talking tonight about how I should get out of here. But I don't know where/when/why/how... If I had a really good reason or thing to do, well then, maybe, but it would be so hard to be away from him, and besides, I don't know what I'd do really... The blessed boy doesn't know what it is to be miserable. Says he has tried but can't do it. Just to see what it is that other people go through. Amazing. Enjoy that. Be blessed!
I also told my dad we were thinking of June '05, & he said that he loved G, and approved, but was that what I wanted? Was G committed to it? cue Heather thinking about ring again. I get in such a tizzy over it, because I know it's too much to ask for financially at this point, but I really want some symbol/declaration of commitment, something to hold on to so I know it's for serious. What if I mess up? What if he changes his mind? Where would I be/what would I do without him??? I mean, heaven forbid, and I don't think it's gonna happen, but sometimes it's good to check in with worst case scenario... I was having the same "what do I do with myself and my creativity is being suffocated to pay the bills" situation in Boulder too, and I was really lonely. He's so comfortable and fun to be with. I was in such a powerful space when we first met. Even despite the heartbreak, I was ok with just feeling it, knowing it would pass eventually. And like I said, even if I wasn't everything I wanted to be, I had the energy to go after it, make it happen... Where'd it go? I've gained nearly all the weight back again - to me a sign of how miserable I must be. But I just ignore it and dull out the pain with food. My dad is suggesting going to the Raj. G doesn't think I'll be able to follow through with the recommendations so why spend the money... I'm so lost. Seems like every time with this weight stuff I try a new tactic, instead of sticking to one thing and making it work... but whatever, god I hate myself right now. Nothing fits. Getting dressed isn't fun. It's whatever I can find on my floor or bed that doesn't smell. I feel so fucking worthless. And it's not just the weight. The weight is a physical expression of something bigger and deeper.

No improv for a couple of weeks... :P Spring Break, so for sure no one will show up. We really, really need to do a show... and/or get some more people involved....

I downloaded me some songs from Wal-Mart.com. yay. legal new music without buying a whole album... Don't shoot me, they're cheap there - 88 cents! I've decided this should be my new treat, instead of candy or cookies, for the same price I might spend on something sweet, I can have a song, and it lasts much longer!