Learning, learning, learning

So. Saturday. I think it went pretty well. I ended up singing with someone who was already in the show and already knew and loved the song. He's much more experienced than I am with guitar so it was nice to have him play and just be able to focus on the vocals and projecting. He was doing a different version of the song, so I'm not sure exactly how it fit together when we sang the same last verse, I tried to follow him, but we only had an hour or so to work on it a few hours before the show. In any case, the producers liked it, and I felt strong and confident in what it was, I totally had fun and let go of it being any more than we had time to do in the time we had.

The emcee totally dissed the song before we came on, saying he wondered why it was in the show at all and then found out backstage just before coming on that it had also been covered by someone famous/cool, so maybe he was ok with it now or somthing. It was weird. Especially since it was ON the list of possible songs to sing sent out by the producer, not just something I came up with! It was good to get feedback from people later about various things because it helped me see a little more objectively which parts were coming down to a matter of taste, and that maybe next time I can be a little more confident in my opinions, in saying, "That's nice, but this is the way *I* want this to happen", sort of a thing. If there is a next time. I'm soooo glad I did it, but not sure if that is the arena for me to pursue... We'll see. I felt really comfortable up there, natural. I wasn't nervous afterward. I did get good feedback from a bunch of people, even after the night, which I always consider to be the true test. If they see you later and say something, when you didn't even know if they were there or not, that means they didn't HAVE to say it so you know it's genuine.

I did my warm-up routine that afternoon before rehearsing, I think that is part of what helped. Also that the sound guy told me as we were prepping - "just get right up on the mic, don't be afraid!" somehow that snapped something in me (in a good way!) and I just went for it.

Also, surprise, surprise (not really!), turns out I was PMSing on Christmas Eve, so yeah, it was a crummy situation, but that helped me feel like I was not a true, terrible basket case/lost cause (just a temporary one) and that I might in fact be able to handle more of this kind of stuff than I thought - on good days at least. It seems unfair that the PMS so often turns up as me questioning my whole right to exist and be happy and follow my dreams. Rotten sabotager!!

Got to hang out with J while she did a few errands/appointments in IC yesterday. Nice to reconnect, nice to talk about art/acting/singing and fears and insecurities and hopes and see how much it's the same and also how much I've moved ahead by working through The Artist's Way. Also goes to show it doesn't really matter where you live as an artist. The same drama and headtrips, internal and external, happen in small towns and big cities alike.

The last couple weeks have also been just showing me how effective the tools I have are, IF I USE THEM. The journaling, the singing warm up. They work. It's all simple, useful, much less drama, I have them already! Not hard! The thing that's in my way is my head and more and more often I'm seeing that and just tired of it. So good. Progress. Sheesh.

I wrote a screenplay over the past couple of days and submitted it to a local contest. It's super short format, I may have even made it too long. Two pages over the "minute per page" rule, but it's hard to tell how long it would be when acted out. I hope it still qualifies. Hard to know. I have no idea if it's any good. Maybe it's stupid. But I freaking wrote a screenplay! Are you kidding me??? Who am I?

Part of me says I'm dinking around, distracting myself from songwriting, thinking that maybe screenwriting is easier only because I haven't done it before and don't know all the things I need to know, being too naive. Part of me says "You're a writer. There are many formats available for storytelling and for this story you chose a screenplay."

It's a simple little thing. Not much happens. I wonder if there's even enough time for all the action AND the dialogue to happen in the allotted time. But part of me is hoping that the simple is beautiful, that it's a little snapshot of "Oh, I recognize a little bit of me there, I don't feel so alone." Not world changing or funny or gimmicky, no twist at the end really. It might not be enough for the contest judges, but I feel good to have done it. I'm not attached.

I'll know by the middle of next month if anything comes of it with this contest, if not, maybe I'll post it somewhere. Dunno...

Anyway, been really terrible about sleep lately, gonna try to bump it up by a little tonight, maybe a half hour per night and get back in the swing of things. Silly holidays throwing everything all out of wack. Or me allowing that as an excuse at least... hrmph.

grumbly cold

I hate how the cold gets into my feet and takes so so long to get out. Really wears me down. And my slippers never seem to be where I can find them easily.

Saw Beauty and the Beast today. Love the Disney movie to bits, one of, if not the favorite movie of all time of mine, and the play doesn't vary very much from the Disney movie, though they added several songs. Diana IS Belle, so adorable and spunky. And nearly all of the children in the audience thought she was Belle too. It was amazing and adorable to hear them call out "There's Belle!" and then after the show they approached her with such awe. Some were so shy they turned their faces into their mom's jackets. Kind of like meeting Santa or something. She was so gracious and sweet to them though, I think most overcame their fear.

The guy who played Gaston was absolutely amazing as well. He really got into it and looked very much like the cartoon. Hilarious. Loved their dance with the beer mugs in the tavern. And the "Be Our Guest" number was GREAT too. I finally figured out that the "cheese graters" were laundry baskets turned upside down and painted silver, brilliant!

The whole thing was 3 hours though. I have mixed feelings, part of the reason why it took so long was they completely changed the set for every location in the play and there were 7 scenes in the first act and 6 in the second. But the set pieces they had were SO clever that it was almost worth it. Lots of rolling panels that could be flipped around, and also unfolded, plus a big wall of tri-paneled scenes that would rotate. So for the size of their stage and the number of scenes and the amount of time they had, it was pretty astounding actually.

Came home and did some bills and had a money freakout. I have enough to cover my basic bills and I'm paying G back for my online courses so we don't have to rack up too much credit card interest, but there's not much to spare at all and it's frustrating. I've definitely gotten to a point where I don't just go around buying junk every week (well, passed that point a long time ago.) but there are a few bigger things I want that I don't NEED and therefore I'm not willing to just dump on the credit card, but I don't really see being able to save up for anytime in the near future either. For example, new laptop, video camera, iPhone, colored highlights, a real blog design. None of those things are passing whims either, I've wanted them all for over a year, and in some cases much longer.

I'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could get more work if I wanted it in a matter of a few phone calls at minimum and a few months at the most. I've actually turned down a few offers lately in the name of making sure I have more time for my music. But I haven't been putting that time to much music use. Not sure what the story is there. Well, there's the theory course, I HAVE been doing that (although I'm behind right now) but that doesn't involve hands on my guitar.

I used to get such joy out of it - just feeling the vibrational transfer from the body of the guitar to my body made me feel so good, so alive. My head critic is so in the way I think, so worried about how it sounds, is it good enough, interesting enough, will people get bored, will they zone out and miss the lyrics, are the lyrics good enough or are they trite, chatter chatter chatter - I forget what it FEELS like to play the guitar.

I'll have to look for that tomorrow. Force myself to make time for it and feel it out. I might need some new strings. My dad always says putting new strings on is like getting a whole new guitar.

Anyway, the whole upset got me real moody and I didn't work on my theory homework or my blog for the radio show on Tuesday. (Which should be a really good one I'm very excited about.) Although I AM kind of waiting to hear back if there are going to be 1 or 2 people calling in first. But I'll have to just put something up tomorrow morning if I don't hear back by then. The homework is to a point where I'm both behind on this week and have a bunch of old stuff I need to correct, so it feels way overwhelming.

I'm also fairly certain that I'm having a hard time handling all of this at the moment (it's not like it's really much different any other time of the month in terms of workload or finances) because of hormones, my face is definitely predicting things. Doesn't seem fair that one has to feel ugly AND emotional all at once.

It will be very interesting to look back over this month of posts and see if I can find any greater rhythms to it, I feel like I've been mostly a downer, but it also feels really good to write, write, write and process things out - for example that thing about how the guitar FEELS came to me as I was writing it, as a result of processing, and I think it's an important revelation.

Last thing, I'm worried about some of my online friends and it's a strange thing. I ONLY know them from online, but the connections we have feel important and real, and since they are musical connections they are ones that I don't have too many of in my offline life. One guy's MySpace page disappeared completely, I'm not sure if it was from his side or MySpace's that it got taken down, but I know he has health problems (not what, but that they are bad enough he's been offline for weeks at a time). He's always come back before, but his page has never disappeared before, so I don't know what that means. The other is a girl who just found out she has MS. I *think* she pretty much supports herself through her music, so I'm not sure how that is going to affect her life. She is super spunky and positive and a fighter, so if anyone can get through it's her. But the strangest thing is since I only know these people from online, if anything happens to them where they can't get back online again, I won't have a way of finding out what happened. It's not like I can track down their mom or something like I could with my friends I know offline. Weird and beautiful world this is. Strange.