Video blog!

I am so not used to doing these... Good for me to push myself out of my box a bit though I think.

Video blog about getting back from my 3rd annual trip to Rocky Mountain Song School in Lyons Colorado, including my newest song I wrote there!

Lyrics:
WITHOUT A PLAN
Back in Ohio, we plotted out five years
We couldn't make it through that first one
Sold everything that didn't fit inside a rental truck
Friends and family thought that it was crazy
When my wife and cat and I
Left without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan


Oh Arizona, I was so naive
Thought my savings would last me longer
It was in those first five months I learned how to breath
Checked out books and built our cottage daily
With my own two hands
and without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

I still remember how the rain came down that first night
How the nails poked through roof in the loft where we slept
Still remember how hard it was to keep it watertight
but July 4th, 1995, was the best day of my life
It was the day I started living without a plan

CHORUS
Without a plan
Without a clue
Somehow we just knew
That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

That whatever we didn't know we'd come to understand
Living life
Without a plan

hrm

So the check in with the Dr went well. She reminded me of some things I already know, and she knows I know, but I don't know why I haven't been doing them. Refined a few points. I forgot to ask some questions (which always seems to happen to me in Dr offices! I just blank!) but nothing that I came away with feeling urgent about. And my cranky mood of the few days previous really lifted after. Go figure.

.5lbs and I will hit the 25lbs lost mark. That's exciting. I'm getting back clothes I haven't worn in a few years, also exciting. I sort of got rid of a bunch of stuff in the past year that I didn't really think I'd wear again, and I'm suddenly wishing I still had. Really only a few things though. I was pretty good about evaluating if I really liked the items even when they did fit, and only hanging on to stuff I actually liked.

Still have a few ups and downs, but generally better.

Thought I was going to get a raise at one of my jobs and found out that I'm already being paid at the rate they wanted to raise me to! ha! I really thought I was getting less but it must just be the stuff they have to withhold. I'm glad they thought I was worth it, and they did say they would try to bring it up later if they can.

Did find out that the money situation at my other job is actually better than I thought and everyone involved was happy about that, so good deal there.

Bought a hip-hop exercise video to try out at home. It was $9 so I figure even if I only ever do it 3 times I will have gotten my money's worth since it's $4 to go to the gym. Tried it out the other day and had fun even though I felt a bit like a doofus and the rug was slipping around. Next time I will roll up the rug, and having done the moves once, they should be easier. And in any case I broke a sweat and enjoyed myself which are really my main personal requirements for exercise these days.

I CANNOT WAIT until it's warm and dry enough to do stuff outside like walk and bike!! The time is approaching! The snow has melted and that teeny, tiny bit of green is creeping up through the dead grass.

Did some lovely work with my mom on ancestors. Learned a lot there, and we'll do more in the coming weeks.

Repotted a bunch of houseplants and they are SO happy! New leaves already!

Brother has started putting cardboard out in the garden to keep the weeds/grass from growing up, hopefully sparing us some digging/tilling headaches. We'll need to start our seeds soon!

Realizing I need to try and sort out my summer plans pretty soon here. Funds are in serious short supply and as a caretaker I don't take leaving the person who needs my help lightly! Plus since I don't have any paid vacation, when I don't work, I'm not only spending money, I'm missing out on making it. (A neglected fact that slightly tripped us up after Peru, sigh.)

Found out today a cousin in CA is getting married in May. Have known for a while that one of my best friends from college is graduating in May in Portland, which will also be the time when the other girls (who can) from that group will gather. Best friend since grade school is getting married in August and I am IN that wedding, which beautifully dovetails both time and location-wise with my trip to Song School in CO. At least 3 if not 5 of my family are going to the CO wedding. Not sure who can afford what and how long everyone can stay, and the cabins we're suggested to rent require a 4 night minimum. And then I'm staying for an extra week after that for Song School and Folks Fest. So yes, transportation, lodging, logistics, people to cover for me while I'm gone all need to be figured out. Ay yi yi.

Have a few writing projects that I volunteered for, plus homework still to catch up on. All of it at once is kind of freaking me out and leading to procrastination. argh. Nothing new, just nerve-wracking since now it's not only me who wants the things done but others as well! eek! And some of it is to promote shows coming through, people I'm sort of sponsoring/supporting and I really want the shows to be successful! And I know I'll feel so personally responsible if they're not! wahhh.

Deep breath, time to sleep.

oh crap... daylight savings. what time is it really now? yikes. I WAS doing better with bedtime for a couple days there.

Sheesh

Well, we didn't ever get the super crazy snowstorm they had us all worried about, but it HAS been snowing off and on for a couple days now and we've got quite a few inches.

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

I have to admit, I'm just the tiniest bit disappointed it didn't happen! They really had people all freaking out and stocking up. I guess it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and it IS really cold and you DO have to be careful driving.

I managed to stay in all day until about 8:30pm when I decided I better go out for some medicine. My tummy hasn't been right since I got back from Peru - that's a whole week now! and the more natural stuff I've been trying helped a little but hasn't set it right. This stuff I got is supposed to work within two days and if it doesn't it's a bigger problem than I thought. I have a Dr. appt. on Friday for some routine stuff but if this is still going on I may ask them to switch the nature of the appt. argh. Let's just hope the medicine does the job.

I had thought I was going to drive out to Wal-Mart to get it, but as I was passing by Drugtown I saw the trees lined up against the wall and the lights still on. I wrestled with myself for a block and turned around at the next light to go back. I hadn't brought any ropes or anything to hold a tree, but I figured out that G's back seats fold down and if I got a little tree it should fit in. It did! I had to leave the hatch open about an inch but it wasn't far to drive home. The poor tree is all snowy from the past couple days and smashed to one side from leaning on the wall. I hope when we get it set up it will fluff out evenly... It's just leaning on the porch right now, but I feel very good to have it. Last year somehow I missed getting a tree and had to get out the emergency fake one and was all depressed about that, so at least we got one.

Speaking of depressed, I got an email today that the cafe where I've been making Saturday brunch since the spring is going to be closed on Saturdays until they open in their new location. What a huge bummer! It wasn't a lot of hours, but those hours were something I could rely on and they made a difference in my life, especially the tips, meager though they be. Between that and the caramel, that was my fun money - for getting coffee, for going to concerts, etc. I haven't had to go to the ATM for a long time pretty much because of that cash, and I knew that anything I was putting into the account would all go to bills. So now, no gallery, no cafe, no green light projects with our business (one we're taking payment installments for the next couple months, so that will help a tiny bit, and we have a couple waiting for someone to "pull the trigger" or "get funding approved" so who knows when that could be).

So yeah, um, this is like too big of a cosmic joke not to have a punchline, and the second December in a row (3rd if you count AS, but I WAS working for half of the month) where I find myself without work, though last year I was able to get temporary unemployment (that turned into actual unemployment). My friend sent me a couple of job listings, but the corporate business speak language made me nauseous just to read it. Dynamic team, self motivated, attention to detail, blah blah blah. URGH!!!! If I absolutely have to I could go back to a job like that for a little while, but I really can't stand to think of it.

The part time stuff was good, enough of a reliable income that I could squeak by, not so overwhelming as to get me depressed or freaked out about not having enough time. I think they'll pick the cafe back up when they move to the new location, and I did ask (again) if I could be trained on coffee so I'll have more options for hours there, so we'll see what comes of it.

The thing that most bums me out is today is the day that we could reserve our Song School slots, but with over $1000 of just basic debt owed to G from being short the past couple months, a bigass student loan for my music classes that has actually gotten BIGGER since I took it on even though I've been paying towards it for a good 6 months (STUPID INTEREST, TOTAL SCAM! grrrrr), and no foreseeable income in the near future, it just seems wrong to put $100 down on the credit card. I guess I know what I want for Christmas...

Song School starts the day after S's wedding next summer. PERFECT timing. I don't know what my work schedule would be by next August, but in an ideal world, I go out there early to help her, maybe a week, at least a few days, and then wedding Saturday, probably brunch Sunday, and then drive the 20 minutes up to to Lyons and set up camp! PERFECT. So I mean, it has to work out, and if I get the reservation as a Christmas present, then at least I'll have it and I'll have till May I think to come up with the rest of the $.

S showed me pictures of her dress today and it is SO perfect for her. Very much just embodies her. Classic, elegant, just a touch of funky. Awesome. She wants kind of like a bouquet of colors for the bridesmaids, JPC seems to have several possibilities that could work for her colorwise, though I'm not sure I want to buy a dress quite so far in advance in case I change sizes...hrmmm. I got kind of teary excited looking at all the pictures. I am just so happy for her that she's getting to have this and doing it her way. Which is how it should be for any wedding, but it's kind of a bigger deal for her because she was kind of not into the whole marriage thing for quite a while, but she did always want the white dress and the ring, and now she's got 'em!

I wrote a song tonight. Real fast and rough. Can't tell if it's any good, but part of the whole Artist's Way thing is "I take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." So just create, create, create. You have to keep working to get better, just do it. So yeah. I wrote a song. I noticed myself at the beginning wanting to say "I think I wrote a song." BS. I DID, I freaking wrote one, with chords and everything. What I mean when I say "I think I wrote a song" is, "I wrote something, but I'm afraid it's crap, so if I present it to you as a draft type of thing, maybe you'll go easy on me." If I get a good take, I might even post the video of it. We'll see.

Back. Or something.

I'm back from my trip to Colorado. Which was amazing. Lots of learning, breakthroughs, connections, heart openings, transformations etc, etc. I'm having a hard time adjusting to being back home though. The contrast from being in a community of like-minded people in full on CREATIVE mode for a week is pretty drastic.

Not to mention the to-dos in a bunch of areas and the disaster of the house is weighing pretty heavy on my mind and shoulders. G helped me clean the kitchen last night. At least ONE room in the house is clean.

I'm still wearing my stupid plastic wristbands from the trip. I kept my Song School one on during Folks Fest to show off a little, I admit. I wasn't the only one though, and it was a nice way to confirm that yes, we'd just been part of the few who had been a part of those few amazing days. I took a picture of them today, maybe I'll end up taking them off for tomorrow when I have to cook... They are a nice little anchor, reminding me of that good time. Conversation starter too, people ask what they're for, if I was at the Fair or Fun City or something and then I get to tell them where I got them.

I know I can't stay on vacations forever. But the contrast between vacation me and most-of-the-time me is so drastic sometimes that I can't help but think I must be doing something wrong most of the time. I remember that ear-to-ear grin stretching across my face for most of the week and compare it to the tightness in my jaw right now and my heart aches.

Do I just need less stuff?? Is it the stuff that weighs me down? When I just have a room or a tent and a few essentials, it sure is a lot less to think about and take care of. I don't think that's all of it, but I bet it wouldn't hurt to get rid of things...

I know also that if I did somehow stay on vacation forever it would cease to be vacation and turn into most-of-the-time and take on it's own problems. So yeah, it's about finding some sort of balance. I need to be a little patient with myself and let me just get back and catch up on things a bit and then worry about how to integrate the new things I learned with my life from before into a new version of my life.

I do know that it's wrong to compartmentalize my life and only let this part that came out to be out for one week in August. Gotta find a balance point.

Because while it was amazing, I also know that if I'd stayed much longer, I probably would have reached a burnout point there too. The dryness of the desert mountains, the so many people, the constant incoming stream of information, spending lots of money on food, etc.

So yeah. Balance. Swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other. Waiting for that mid point...

grah!!

Had another one of those moments, listening to a FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC song and simultaneously having my heart explode with joyous celebration/appreciation while shattering into a sloppy mess of despair and fear that I'll never be able to write a song as good/powerful/moving/amazing as that one.  And I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, I'm supposed to just BE myself.  And I know the only way to get better is to DO it, and I can't expect myself to already be there if I haven't put the work in yet.  But that whole "What if I work really hard and never get there?" thing creeps in, and then "There's no way you could work really hard and not at least get better, so it's not a waste of time to try."

And then getting really frustrated because I know I FEEL deeply, and I know a lot of deep/smart/useful/cool things, but the songs I come up with don't feel like they go that deep, and something that M.F. told me at Song School to the effect of, "No offense, but you might want to reveal more about yourself," or maybe something like "go deeper, be more meaningful" or something.  And it was almost just a little offhand comment, especially since it was just a brainstorming exercise, but it really struck in and still gets to me even this many months after, because I recognized it as true.  I can write great observations about other people, but I haven't seemed to go to deep into ME... or at least not that often.  Maybe it just hasn't been time, maybe that's not my voice/style/thing and it never will be time.  

Again, the only way to "find my voice" is to KEEP WRITING, and I was uncovering a lot of interesting and approaching on maybe scary (but good for me) things in my last writing class, but now I've moved on to Melody and it just makes me feel like a big dummy with super weak music theory powers.  Next semester is Harmony, not sure how much better that will be either, unless I pick something up by the end of this course, and with 8 more weeks, how could I not get better?  And with the time I have these days, why can't I focus and use it to improve things, or start some blog or book or business that might have a chance of making money?  It's terrifying being the end of the line, no one taking care of you, directing, leading the way...

I'm Back. Whoa.

Cross-post from MySpace

Oh friends. My life has been changed forever methinks. I've just finished an amazing week at the Planet Bluegrass ranch up in Lyons Colorado. It is a magical place with a big grassy field, two beautiful stages, a huge cliff face of red stone and a small but rushing river. And for the past 15 years they've been hosting a Song School where amazing masters in every aspect of songwriting and performance come to share their knowledge and experience of the craft, and everyone who is brave enough to jump up and take a turn is supported, applauded and pushed to a new level of greatness.

There was SO MUCH input, I'm not really sure where to start, or how long it would take to go through it all, or even if I'll get to all of it, but I met A LOT of amazing new people who I hope to introduce you to over the next weeks and months, so keep an eye on lyricalvenus.com for the ladies, and probably here for the guys, (though I'm really tempted to start a new blog and/or radio show to include them, but maybe a guest spot on someone else's show would work... just thinkin off the top of my head here). There were so many awesome people to take classes from, and I think I got a good sprinkling of nearly everyone either through a class or by watching them perform, which will help me choose next year what to do because I definitely have to go back!

A couple really big things I learned that I want to put down here before I forget:

1) I kept getting from a bunch of different teachers the concept that it's more important to make sure the meaning of your song comes across clearly than to "feel" your song while you perform. So conversational tone and delivery are going to help with that. Ron Browning put it something like - "Don't chew my steak for me - just give me the plate with it arranged all pretty. I can cut and chew it myself." As emotional, feeling centered people it's easy for songwriters to want to get the audience to "feel how I felt in that moment" so it's a little counter-intuitive sometimes to pull back from the emotion. But really, writing a song and performing a song are two different skills. Not to mention running the business of being a musician - being an independent singer-songwriter means wearing a lot of different hats. This week made that more and more clear to me that keeping the hats separate, (or even getting someone else to wear some of them for you) means that each area is going to get the best attention it needs, when it needs it.

2) There really is a craft to songwriting - there are certain things that the hit songwriters do that are repeatable that make for good songs, there are tricks you can apply to songs already written to take them to another level. While that might seem to take some of the magic out of it, it's encouraging to me because it means it's a skill I can learn if I apply myself to it, and I don't have fumble around in the dark and hope things work. If I feel like one of my songs could be better, now I know a bunch of things I could look at to improve it, or I know where to go look that stuff up. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before - I know there are certain guidelines for writing essays and newspaper articles and novels and such, so why not songs? And it's not to say you can't break all the rules in any of these things, but knowing what the general rules are makes a break from them something conscious and purposeful and interesting.

And if the Song School wasn't enough, right after it was the Folks Festival. The first two days of which, I have to admit, were a little miserable due to steady rain. Or maybe I should say steady wetness, everything from misty sprinkling to windblown, pounding downpour. Unusual for Colorado, and she needed it, but it's a bummer it had to happen all over those two days. I got to see a lot of cool acts though, and probably missed a few when I just couldn't take it anymore and had to go curl up in my tent. (Which was behind the stage area, so I got to still hear them, just not as clearly.)

My original plan was to drive out to Song School with Sharon Bousquet (which I did), and then come home after Folks Fest (Sharon couldn't stay for it) with my husband who was going to be in Boulder but then he didn't end up going. I thought that with 10 other Fairfield people going I'd have a pretty good chance of finding a ride home, but I neglected to factor in that all those people would be full up with instruments and camping gear, and so adding another person and gear and instruments was just not gonna happen. So my next choice was the train, which I've done before, but it was sold out till Wednesday, which means I won't be home till Thursday, and which also means I get to hang out in Boulder for a couple of days and visit with old friends. Kind of a nice gentle glide back into the real world I think.

But I gotta do some laundry and think about shipping some clothes back home so I don't have to lug it all on the train. Because while I knew going home on the train was a possibility, there was stuff I had to bring for camping, and then I went and bought a few things - CD's, a sweatshirt, hats (those came with the camp and volunteering) and, drumroll please - A PINK UKULELE! Now I have to learn how to play it. I bought the chord book too. I'd just seen Priscilla Ahn close her set with a ukulele song, and when I went into the little merch shop and saw all the ukuleles it was calling me with its cute pinkness. I strapped it onto my travel guitar case with the blue rope that held up the tarp over my tent, but I still have at least one bag too many to take on the train, so mailing some clothes back is gonna be the way to go methinks. They'll be the lightest.

And then I want to go on a bike ride! I always say one of the things I miss most about Boulder is the bike trails, so I shouldn't miss out on that chance while I have it.

More pictures and stories and such to come, just wanted to say hi and I'm back online. :) (though I'm also thinking I should probably spend a little more time offline in the future. We'll see what happens.)