ergh again

Need to write. Need to sleep. Giving myself 5 minutes. Timer is set.

Had an intense week, mostly brought on by my own head. A show to promote, stress that no one would come, trying to figure out how to make sure it was well covered without making people crazy/feeling spammed. Feeling like I didn't have much support. Like I would let the people down. Running around, posters, etc.

Show came. Decent crowd who loved it. People loved it, want to come back. So all good really. Always could have been more. Felt incredibly 'effing proud during the performance, awed that it was happening, I wanted it and worked it and there it was in front of me, always at least as good and sometimes better than I expected. Goosebumps so many times. GOOD STUFF. Amazing. Holy wowzers.

But the pinch. The confusion. At the end. Differing opinions. Between a rock and a hard place. dammit. Timer's up. More later maybe. Because it's bigger than just this, ties in to a bigger theme that has been tumbling in my mind for a while, and prominently for a few days/weeks.

People are coming tomorrow. I will need to finish cleaning house. It's a good start today but much more to do.

oh, and another head tumbling thing. A new friend who needs help, but I can't distinguish between drama and danger in her reality, and not sure if she can either. Don't want to get used, don't want to abandon someone who actually needs help. Help!

Sleep.

PS It snowed 4 inches, melted away in one day. The crocuses are still fine.

PPS Really, I'm OK. This is mostly little picture stuff, and the big picture stuff I'm not worried about because I know I'll be able to think it out/write it out/work on it soon.

hrm

So the check in with the Dr went well. She reminded me of some things I already know, and she knows I know, but I don't know why I haven't been doing them. Refined a few points. I forgot to ask some questions (which always seems to happen to me in Dr offices! I just blank!) but nothing that I came away with feeling urgent about. And my cranky mood of the few days previous really lifted after. Go figure.

.5lbs and I will hit the 25lbs lost mark. That's exciting. I'm getting back clothes I haven't worn in a few years, also exciting. I sort of got rid of a bunch of stuff in the past year that I didn't really think I'd wear again, and I'm suddenly wishing I still had. Really only a few things though. I was pretty good about evaluating if I really liked the items even when they did fit, and only hanging on to stuff I actually liked.

Still have a few ups and downs, but generally better.

Thought I was going to get a raise at one of my jobs and found out that I'm already being paid at the rate they wanted to raise me to! ha! I really thought I was getting less but it must just be the stuff they have to withhold. I'm glad they thought I was worth it, and they did say they would try to bring it up later if they can.

Did find out that the money situation at my other job is actually better than I thought and everyone involved was happy about that, so good deal there.

Bought a hip-hop exercise video to try out at home. It was $9 so I figure even if I only ever do it 3 times I will have gotten my money's worth since it's $4 to go to the gym. Tried it out the other day and had fun even though I felt a bit like a doofus and the rug was slipping around. Next time I will roll up the rug, and having done the moves once, they should be easier. And in any case I broke a sweat and enjoyed myself which are really my main personal requirements for exercise these days.

I CANNOT WAIT until it's warm and dry enough to do stuff outside like walk and bike!! The time is approaching! The snow has melted and that teeny, tiny bit of green is creeping up through the dead grass.

Did some lovely work with my mom on ancestors. Learned a lot there, and we'll do more in the coming weeks.

Repotted a bunch of houseplants and they are SO happy! New leaves already!

Brother has started putting cardboard out in the garden to keep the weeds/grass from growing up, hopefully sparing us some digging/tilling headaches. We'll need to start our seeds soon!

Realizing I need to try and sort out my summer plans pretty soon here. Funds are in serious short supply and as a caretaker I don't take leaving the person who needs my help lightly! Plus since I don't have any paid vacation, when I don't work, I'm not only spending money, I'm missing out on making it. (A neglected fact that slightly tripped us up after Peru, sigh.)

Found out today a cousin in CA is getting married in May. Have known for a while that one of my best friends from college is graduating in May in Portland, which will also be the time when the other girls (who can) from that group will gather. Best friend since grade school is getting married in August and I am IN that wedding, which beautifully dovetails both time and location-wise with my trip to Song School in CO. At least 3 if not 5 of my family are going to the CO wedding. Not sure who can afford what and how long everyone can stay, and the cabins we're suggested to rent require a 4 night minimum. And then I'm staying for an extra week after that for Song School and Folks Fest. So yes, transportation, lodging, logistics, people to cover for me while I'm gone all need to be figured out. Ay yi yi.

Have a few writing projects that I volunteered for, plus homework still to catch up on. All of it at once is kind of freaking me out and leading to procrastination. argh. Nothing new, just nerve-wracking since now it's not only me who wants the things done but others as well! eek! And some of it is to promote shows coming through, people I'm sort of sponsoring/supporting and I really want the shows to be successful! And I know I'll feel so personally responsible if they're not! wahhh.

Deep breath, time to sleep.

oh crap... daylight savings. what time is it really now? yikes. I WAS doing better with bedtime for a couple days there.

Two things I haven't done in a while...

1. Wear my ring on the proper finger

2. Make a Valentine card.

Re 1: It's not 100% comfortable yet, but month ago it would have been a struggle to get on, and I would have started panicking to get it off immediately after, which would include stuff like running my hand under cold water and using soap. Tonight I can get it on and off easily, and had it on for at least an hour without it bothering me at all. PROGRESS!!!

Re 2: It's not as detailed or intricate as cards I have done before, and yeah, probably any kid could have done just about the same, but the point being I was motivated, and I made it with my own two hands. Not sure how long it's been since I made a Valentine card...

I think the pendulum swung from overdoing on making cards during my school years, (as in, making cards for absolutely everyone I knew in an attempt to make the cards that I gave to my crushes just seem like "one of the crowd" and nothing particularly special. Yeah, I was a goof that way...) to not doing at all. Maybe next year I can reserve making cards for more of the people I care about without overdoing. Because it really IS fun. PROGRESS!!!

Counting and Counting and Counting

So today I woke up at 8:04. Despite the fact that I'd set two alarms on my cell phone because I was supposed to be at the courthouse at 8:00am to help prepare for processing the absentee/early voter ballots. Or so I thought. Mid-swearing, I threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth and hair, chugged some Emergen-C and grabbed a bagel, managing to get to the courthouse by about 8:15 only to sit and wait for the poor, harried people in the auditor's office to get a spare moment to show us what to do. Which means we got actually started processing ballots at about 10am.

And by processing ballots I mean counting stacks of ballots in their envelopes, taking the ballots, still in their secrecy sleeves, out of the outer envelope and bundling them in stacks of 25. (I was a SPEED DEMON with the letter opener!!) And then, after we'd done that with a batch of around 600, we had to count up all the envelopes and all the ballots and make sure that we had a ballot for every envelope. Which meant counting all 600 or 700 things 3 or 4 times. But we always ended up with every thing matching up by the end of it. And then start on another batch of 600 or 700, till we were done. And then we locked up all the ballots in big metal boxes with numbered seals and wrote everything down and locked the boxes in another room in the courthouse. I left the courthouse around 8:45pm.

There were somewhere around 4,000 absentee/early ballots issued, so we're still gonna have a bunch to do tomorrow.

And then we're going to actually have to take the ballots out of the secrecy sleeves and run them through the machine that counts the votes! And then hand count any write-in votes. And put all the affidavit envelopes in numerical order so we can account for any of those 4,000 that didn't get returned to us.

And the chairs were hard wooden ones, and I had 1/2 an hour for lunch and another 10 minute break around 4:30 where I dashed to Rev's and got a Mocha Java shake and a scone. Didn't have dinner till afterwards, went to Subway.

But.

It was really amazing. It felt good. Taking the oath to do everything right and and in our power to ensure everything goes right. Counting every ballot and envelope, over and over if we had to, making sure none were stuck together, that everything was accounted for. Seeing all the names on the outside envelopes, friends who are away at school but still sent in their votes, all the people who voted early, all the people who CARE about their country. All the little rules in place to make sure everything is fair - there has to be at least one Republican and one Democrat in the room at all times, and one of each party to transport the ballots from room to room. Outside observers can come watch us work. (I'm not sure what their credentials have to be, I don't think just anyone can wander in, but there can definitely be people watching us work, and there were several today.)

I felt like "Here are good people, doing a good job, looking out for everyone and making sure everything is fair." It was damn inspiring. And thank goodness, because tomorrow is going to be an even longer day.