Well THAT was interesting...

So. hrm. What a day.

Found out I didn't get a part in the play. It's ok, I'm really looking forward to watching it! and I appreciate that they told me clearly and right away. Other productions I've auditioned for have sometimes not figured it out for weeks, and then sometimes just not said anything to the people not cast, which is weird and ambiguous and frustrating. So there, clean, done, no worries, moving on. I'm not sure I would have really had time for the rehearsals anyway. Well, I would have made time, but it may have been stressful. He did say he thought I read well, and hoped to work with me in the future, which was good to hear.

The Dr visit was not what I expected. I got in there and she told me that my thyroid was normal but she thought I was right and that she was going to give me a little boost for losing weight - as in, she prescribed me pills for it! Which was confusing because when I told her last month that yes I thought I could use some help with losing weight, I meant more like moral support or something, I never thought I was asking for drugs... She asked if I'd ever taken diet pills before and I said that I had for a little bit in college (it was an herbal thing) but it made me jittery. She told me that it was like speed (?! I'm now a little confused if she meant this or if she meant the stuff I'd tried before), that I was going to do just fine with it and probably would like it a lot, that other people are really happy with the results. She listened to my breathing/heart, looked at my eyes and glanced at my right shin (?!). Said I needed to exercise 30 minutes a day but no more than 15 of weight bearing so as not to put stress on the leg joints that might accelerate arthritis, and also to keep a food & exercise journal and come in for monthly follow up visits where they will weigh and measure inches and bring that journal to get a refill of the prescription.

Whoa.

I mean seriously, just the diet and exercise journal and having to come in to get measured would surely do something. I've fluctuated a lot since I was a teenager, but I gained a LOT of weight during corporate life. I haven't gained any in the two years since, just haven't lost any, but then I haven't TRIED to lose any either.

I went and got the pills, and then realized afterward that I have all these questions and I'm a bit nervous for the side effects, that I might get addicted, that I would just gain all the weight back after going off them, etc.

G and I spent some time today reading online reviews from users who all had mixed results, including some who had experiences that verified my fears. Some loved it, some didn't find that it worked. Some had to BEG their doctors to prescribe it, and mine goes ahead when I didn't even ask. And she has a background in natural medicine. I just can't quite figure out where she stands now...

On the other hand, if they could just give me a little boost, head start, get me on the right track, that could be encouraging, right? At the moment it just seems like so daunting a task to even start. And how dangerous are the side effects compared to the side effects of being too heavy, especially the older I get? I just don't know.

Anyway, she left and had the nurse come in and take my starting measurements. The nurse was about to leave when I asked her if I could have a copy of my labs and she seemed surprised that I hadn't heard the results yet, but she went and got the paper for me. Everything was normal/fine. As usual. I should be grateful that I continue to be healthy/normal when it comes to the lab work in the past couple of years. I am!

So, today I started using a nice little journal program on my iPod that helps you count calories and exercise. I went to the pool and did 45 minutes (15 extra minutes so I could earn more calories back for dinner!) of swimming/water walking (when the kids came in and needed the deep end for swim practice) and then had 10 minutes in the hot tub. I had a small dinner and two cups of herbal tea and I am still hungry. This is going to take some getting used to. The first days are always the worst. I just want this to be permanent. I'm done. I'm tired of being this way.

I decided my words for the year were "release" and "abundance". I couldn't pick just one. Just "release" was too scary, but "abundance" on its own didn't seem powerful or motivating enough. When I participated in a Peruvian ceremony for the new year, I asked specifically that I have an abundance of sweetness in my life that would satisfy my cravings for it so that I didn't feel so compelled to literally eat things, but I wouldn't feel deprived - I would have that sweetness and satisfaction in my life in other ways. I released the heavy energy I no longer needed, asking Mother Earth to help me transform it, compost it for new harvests. So that is part of the reason I am going to give these pills a try. Maybe this is part of some divine plan, a big jump start/reset button that is coming to me NOW, rather than any time previous. I don't remember specifically asking my Dr for this kind of help, but wow, now I am remembering, did I ever ask the universe. Indeed. Yikes...

Let's see what happens. People HAVE lost weight before and kept it off. Both of my parents and one of my brothers for instance. Which should bode well for me, right?

Oh, and I start a new semester of online music classes today. I got a teacher I had previously who I really like, so that's good. I'm excited to see how much I've learned combining with the new techniques they are teaching us in this one.

More Fun with Widgets!

I just interviewed Juli Crockett and Lisa Dee the co-founders of a band called The Evangenitals on my radio show this week. Started almost as a joke where they sang 2 Christmas carols and one original at an open mic in LA, they soon grew to a full band with a rotating cast of players, including two Fairfielders at the moment - David Hurlin and Matt Ticciati! I think some people might get freaked out by the name, and also wonder what kind of music it is. Let's start with the name first. On their site it says:

EVANGELICAL: characterized by ardent or crusading enthusiasm; zealous. GENITALS: the organs of creation; the private parts

These people are definitely highly creative and extremely enthusiastic about life in general, including their music! Everything I find written by Juli online is inspiring and passionate about life. She started meditating recently and will post on her twitter about how she's meditating in the back of the van before a show or some other random place.

The music is a wonderful mix of alt-country, folk-rock, and even has some punk mentalities every so often. Hard Luck, for example, starts out as a loping, rickety, sad country song and then fills out to a lush, full, rocking sound in the choruses.

Juli's multi-talents also include writing and directing plays! So when she and Lisa Dee met, and found out that Juli wrote plays and Lisa sang opera, they said, "Let's make something together!" and one of the results was the musical "The Dawn of Quixote: Chapter the First".

7 or 8? years later, they have been invited to perform the show at the prestigious Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland, with the full Evangenitals band as the live orchestra!

They are currently raising funds to pay for room and board for all 9 members of their company with this fascinating website called "Kickstarter". People pledge their donations and will get prizes for certain levels, but nobody pays a cent until/unless the full goal amount is met by the due date! At the time I'm writing this they have 30% worth of pledges and 13 days to go, so I imagine they must be biting their nails a bit... Check out the widget and see what you think:



Minimum pledge is $1, and every dollar helps them!

grumbly cold

I hate how the cold gets into my feet and takes so so long to get out. Really wears me down. And my slippers never seem to be where I can find them easily.

Saw Beauty and the Beast today. Love the Disney movie to bits, one of, if not the favorite movie of all time of mine, and the play doesn't vary very much from the Disney movie, though they added several songs. Diana IS Belle, so adorable and spunky. And nearly all of the children in the audience thought she was Belle too. It was amazing and adorable to hear them call out "There's Belle!" and then after the show they approached her with such awe. Some were so shy they turned their faces into their mom's jackets. Kind of like meeting Santa or something. She was so gracious and sweet to them though, I think most overcame their fear.

The guy who played Gaston was absolutely amazing as well. He really got into it and looked very much like the cartoon. Hilarious. Loved their dance with the beer mugs in the tavern. And the "Be Our Guest" number was GREAT too. I finally figured out that the "cheese graters" were laundry baskets turned upside down and painted silver, brilliant!

The whole thing was 3 hours though. I have mixed feelings, part of the reason why it took so long was they completely changed the set for every location in the play and there were 7 scenes in the first act and 6 in the second. But the set pieces they had were SO clever that it was almost worth it. Lots of rolling panels that could be flipped around, and also unfolded, plus a big wall of tri-paneled scenes that would rotate. So for the size of their stage and the number of scenes and the amount of time they had, it was pretty astounding actually.

Came home and did some bills and had a money freakout. I have enough to cover my basic bills and I'm paying G back for my online courses so we don't have to rack up too much credit card interest, but there's not much to spare at all and it's frustrating. I've definitely gotten to a point where I don't just go around buying junk every week (well, passed that point a long time ago.) but there are a few bigger things I want that I don't NEED and therefore I'm not willing to just dump on the credit card, but I don't really see being able to save up for anytime in the near future either. For example, new laptop, video camera, iPhone, colored highlights, a real blog design. None of those things are passing whims either, I've wanted them all for over a year, and in some cases much longer.

I'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could get more work if I wanted it in a matter of a few phone calls at minimum and a few months at the most. I've actually turned down a few offers lately in the name of making sure I have more time for my music. But I haven't been putting that time to much music use. Not sure what the story is there. Well, there's the theory course, I HAVE been doing that (although I'm behind right now) but that doesn't involve hands on my guitar.

I used to get such joy out of it - just feeling the vibrational transfer from the body of the guitar to my body made me feel so good, so alive. My head critic is so in the way I think, so worried about how it sounds, is it good enough, interesting enough, will people get bored, will they zone out and miss the lyrics, are the lyrics good enough or are they trite, chatter chatter chatter - I forget what it FEELS like to play the guitar.

I'll have to look for that tomorrow. Force myself to make time for it and feel it out. I might need some new strings. My dad always says putting new strings on is like getting a whole new guitar.

Anyway, the whole upset got me real moody and I didn't work on my theory homework or my blog for the radio show on Tuesday. (Which should be a really good one I'm very excited about.) Although I AM kind of waiting to hear back if there are going to be 1 or 2 people calling in first. But I'll have to just put something up tomorrow morning if I don't hear back by then. The homework is to a point where I'm both behind on this week and have a bunch of old stuff I need to correct, so it feels way overwhelming.

I'm also fairly certain that I'm having a hard time handling all of this at the moment (it's not like it's really much different any other time of the month in terms of workload or finances) because of hormones, my face is definitely predicting things. Doesn't seem fair that one has to feel ugly AND emotional all at once.

It will be very interesting to look back over this month of posts and see if I can find any greater rhythms to it, I feel like I've been mostly a downer, but it also feels really good to write, write, write and process things out - for example that thing about how the guitar FEELS came to me as I was writing it, as a result of processing, and I think it's an important revelation.

Last thing, I'm worried about some of my online friends and it's a strange thing. I ONLY know them from online, but the connections we have feel important and real, and since they are musical connections they are ones that I don't have too many of in my offline life. One guy's MySpace page disappeared completely, I'm not sure if it was from his side or MySpace's that it got taken down, but I know he has health problems (not what, but that they are bad enough he's been offline for weeks at a time). He's always come back before, but his page has never disappeared before, so I don't know what that means. The other is a girl who just found out she has MS. I *think* she pretty much supports herself through her music, so I'm not sure how that is going to affect her life. She is super spunky and positive and a fighter, so if anyone can get through it's her. But the strangest thing is since I only know these people from online, if anything happens to them where they can't get back online again, I won't have a way of finding out what happened. It's not like I can track down their mom or something like I could with my friends I know offline. Weird and beautiful world this is. Strange.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Opens TONIGHT.

(Hey friends, this is what I've been spending pretty much every waking minute on for the past little over 2 weeks. Yes this is a cut and paste of something one of my cast-mates wrote, but I don't really have the energy to write up something new, especially when it's all explained so well here. :) I'm amazed and awed at what summerstock people do as par for the course! Come see me and my amazing new friends, if not tonight, soon! ~ Heather)

Come see JOSEPH as you've never seen it before! Director Randal K. West has taken the Andrew Lloyd Webber classic and given it a new twist! Each different style of music used in the show is choreographed as a tribute to famous Broadway choreographers.

Come see JOSEPH, and see if you can recognize Fosse, Tommy Tune, or even Jack Cole. It's a great learning experience for the performers, and even more fun for the audience.

As an added bonus, the Cowboy from the Village People (Randy Jones) has come to Iowa to play the role of the Pharaoh.
You don't want to miss it!

July 11, 12, 13, 17, 18, 19, 20, 24, 25, 26, 27
Evening Performances are at 7:30 (Thurs-Sat)
Matinee Performances are at 2:00 (Sat & Sun)

Stephen Sondheim Center for the Performing Arts
Fairfield, IA

http://fairfieldacc.com/
(You can purchase tickets online!)

It's Here!

(Beginning is a Cross post from MySpace)

December. And the Ice and Snow. Grah.

Spent most of the day lazy, inside. Was supposed to have a vocal workshop but it got canceled due to the ice storm. Did manage to shower and dress and get out to see the final show of The Gondoliers, which was good. A bunch of the great regulars, some new greats, costumes, set, voices, band, all great. I figured out the final plot twist pretty early on, so I'm trying to decide if I'm happy i was smart enough to pick up on it, or mad because then for the whole rest of the show it seemed a little slow, like "get to the end where it all works out already!" except that then I would have missed all the awesome dancing and songs. So it's all good.

I'm also conflicted about December, because on the one hand I am so ready for this month to be over (work), and on the other hand I need a few months to get ready for it (Christmas). Usually every year I come up with some little crafty present that I make for all my family and close friends - candles, tea, jewelry, etc. And this year I'm just NOT feeling it, at all. The only thing I want to do when I'm home is sleep or waste time online.

I saw a picture of myself today, of me in my Halloween costume at work 3 years ago, in the old building, when I'd just started. 3 years and 75 lbs ago. The thing that kills me is right now I think I look pretty good in that picture, but back then I thought I was fat. I certainly wasn't skinny skinny, but I was doing pretty good. Geesh, the things a stressful desk job and getting older will do to you. Here's hoping whatever happens next in my life will include more activity and creativity, and less stress.

The thing is, I also remember that 3 years ago I was really freaked out and depressed and drifting and trying to scrape by financially, and the job really saved my life in a whole lot of big ways. I guess though, the job and the company is not the same one that I started with. I know so much more now than I did then - about marketing, the internet and social networking, about the corporate world, about myself. I guess each thing just leads to the next thing.

My next for sure thing is that I'm going to Colombia for 2 months starting in February to study Spanish. I've been wanting to get fluent in it since meeting G. There was one time in the beginning, during our crazy-romantic-whirlwind-we-barely-knew-each-other New England road trip. I don't remember exactly what it was that got him so upset, but my fuzzy impression from what, 6 years ago? was this - I think it was something about how we'd been set up in separate cots in the living room of the family J was staying with after we saw her play and I wouldn't let him come near me or something. I had somehow gotten some paranoid feeling from J about the RULES in the house and I was feeling a bit terrified and not entirely welcome and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize our place to stay so my defense was to behave and be as quiet and small as possible. Whatever it actually was, I do remember quite clearly that G got very upset and started quietly crying and ranting in Spanish. Not only that, he wouldn't translate it either, and it FREAKED ME OUT. I mean, it's one thing not to understand someone, and it's another to not even know what they are saying - at ALL. And somehow, even in that moment, and in several times in the years after that, I've had terrifying notions of my children speaking Spanish, and me not being able to understand THEM either. G's English has gotten super good, and living in the states I'm sure our kids would mostly speak English anyway, but there could still be this secret language they could flip into at any moment to leave me out if I don't learn it.

Aside from that, I think it's cool to be able to speak more than one language, and more and more Spanish is actually a practical skill to have in this country and around the world. All the internet companies are looking to tap into the Spanish speaking market, so there could really be an explosion of need for people who can speak both languages.

I'm a little nervous to be away from home for so long, but it'll be good to get out of the winter weather, and I think it'll take two months to really immerse and be forced into it. But I think I'll get it, especially since I'll be there without G to translate, I'll have to really figure it out for myself.

The two biggest things I'm struggling with about the trip are the whole food thing, and fitting in vs being myself.

Every time I've gone I've had some digestive problems. The first time was really bad and I was knocked out in bed for like 3 days. The second time wasn't too bad, towards the end and it evened out pretty quick when I got home. This last trip was so short and it only started on my last day and I think it had the potential to get bad but I think I knocked out the worst of it with a super hot bath in the hotel the night we got back. My guts are getting better but still not quite right. I'm hoping if I go shopping there I can pick out my own food and just keep it really simple and healthy for a couple months. I think there's also like probiotics or something that should help. I'll ask the ladies at Thymely Solutions.

The whole fitting in thing - there actually IS a level of safety in looking like I fit in there, as opposed to singling myself out as someone from the US. There's the full range of shapes, sizes, colors in Barranquilla, and people have definitely spoken Spanish to me expecting me to understand - at Carnaval they called us Cachacos (from the mountains) before they called us Gringos (US). We were just paler because we didn't have as much of that coastal sun. BUT, from what I could see, all the girls below the age of 35 or so keep their hair long... Which puts a crimp in my plans to go short and some crazy color. Dyeing it dark again is no problem, but length isn't something I can really add back, and it'll only grow so much in 2 months... hrmmmmm. There's also clothes - most of the girls at the university seemed to be wearing long, dark jeans. In that heat? Argh! Oh, and little strappy sandals - no can do with my orthodics. I really need to get over it and just do what I need to do to be comfortable and healthy and myself, and focus on what I'm going there for - to learn Spanish.

Oh, and maybe do a little soul-searching.

I've never really stopped and allowed myself to ask "What do you want to do/be?" Since I got out of school I've mostly focussed on earning money to pay the loans back and haven't really allowed myself to dream or explore. As work got more and more corporate I started feeling more what I DIDN'T want to do or be. Even though I see the crazy life that singer-songwriters have there is some secret part of me that STILL thinks it would be really cool to have enough skills and things to say that you could take yourself on the road and make a difference in people's lives. Fairfield can't be the ONLY town that listens... Why would these people keep touring and putting out records by their own blood, sweat and tears if they weren't getting SOMETHING out of it??

There's supposed to be a guitar class with this AMAZING guitarist starting up in April, which I'd be back for. It'd be once a week in Iowa City I think, but omg it would be so worth the drive to study with her.

At the play tonight one of the actors complimented me on my last show and said I needed to do more stuff. I told him that maybe since work was ending I'd have more time now. It's always nice to get unsolicited feedback weeks after a performance. By then they really don't have to tell you unless they were truly moved or impressed by it.

I've been listening to John Mayer's new song "Say" on repeat while writing this. It's really inspiring me like crazy - "say what you need to say" - "do it with a heart wide open". He wrote it for a movie coming out called "The Bucket List" about two older guys who start doing stuff on their lists of "Things To Do Before Kicking the Bucket". Why wait till getting as old as those guys?