boo

OK, I've been trying to justify things and pretend all day, but I can't help it, I'm bummed.

House concert last night. The gal was amazing. Classically trained since she was 5, and it showed in her skill and fluency in making the keys express what she wanted to say.

7 people showed up. (Plus 3 little kids, who were adorable and very well behaved, but didn't add to the donation jar. Not that I expected them or their parents to do so at all! Just explaining why I don't really include them in the total.) My brother and I made 9 adults.

She made $56 from donations, I dropped a $5 in at the end. I think she sold 5 CDs at $10 each. So $111.

It was a weekend. There was a ton of other stuff going on. I purposefully left the time at the earlier show time that I usually do on weeknights so that people would have a chance to go out to more than one thing. You know, dinner (which you have to do anyway), music, then head out to the bar and the later starting shows.

I bought groceries and made a whole bunch of soup. Since not too many people showed up, there's a whole lot left, and we'll eat it, so that won't go to waste. Still, I probably wouldn't have spent that cash otherwise.

The house is clean, that's a bonus. Some of that comes from my amazing brother tossing a bunch of crap up in my office at the last minute while I was cooking, which also means I don't exactly know where a bunch of my stuff is at the moment. It looked like a mess, but there WAS an order to the piles... :P Not at ALL mad at him, I asked him to do that and it saved me, just mentioning that it's one more thing I now have to deal with.

I made a FB event. I made an Evite event. I interviewed her on my show, I blogged about that, and cross-posted to twitter & FB. I busted my butt to get the interview chopped to 30min before the weekend so I could have it rebroadcast. I clipped out her station ID and put her songs in the vault. I posted lots of videos of her on FB in the weeks leading up to the show to get people interested and familiar.

I paid $12 to put a few lines in the calendar page of the paper. I don't know how many people read that, but the editor has been good to me with show announcements in the past and I wanted to try and give a little back to her.

I made little quarter page flyers and handed them out during Art Walk and while I was cooking on Saturday, for the most part trying to actually talk to the people I handed the flyers to, telling them how great she was and how fun I thought the night would be. Maybe I need to work on my "pitch" but at least I was doing a pitch and not just handing them a piece of paper to ignore. Granted, it was short notice since it was the day before, but I was hoping it would be a good reminder to people who had already seen the invite online, and show that I really thought they in particular might like to come.

The one thing I didn't do that I could have was put up posters around town, but I am never sure how much good that does, ESPECIALLY for a house concert. I mean, I'm actually a believer in the poster because it creates a repeat impression on someone if they see it all over town. But I've put up posters the past few times I've had a house show and only ONCE have I gotten a call off the poster, and that person didn't end up coming anyway.

The other thing I didn't do that I just can't afford right now is take out a poster page ad, but I really can't justify that. Costs about as much as she made before I dropped in the $5! And again, not sure how much of a difference it would have made.

Several of my regular people who almost always come to everything (and a couple of them who said that they WERE going to come) didn't show up.

So yeah, I don't know.

She got free dinner, free brunch, free place to sleep. She went and picked up a bottle of wine for about $10. It's probably going to be anywhere from $25-45 for her to get to her next stop.

Averaging it out, the donations came out to about $8 per person. Sorta close to what a lot of concerts end up being around here. $8-10... The suggested donation here was $10-15, but it's completely by the honor system, a bowl by the door, so there's not supposed to be any guilt about it. And I get it. Times are tough. Part of why I DO these concerts and help taking tickets out at other shows and such is just because of that! And when you consider also that then a bunch of people bought $10 or $20 worth of CDs from her, each person or family actually did average out to more like $15 each person. $30 for a family. Plus bringing food! So yeah, I get it. Which is why I wish more people had showed up. Even if they all just gave $5 each, 15 people would have been $75, more than she got from the 7 people there.

Geesh. I really could just spin myself dizzy-sick over this. Not last night in particular, but the whole thing in general. And I'm really feeling like I'm squirming around in the nuts and bolts when I should be looking at it on a bigger level of the picture. Like, I would really like to take a poll about why people do/don't come to the shows. What keeps them from coming? Because I took her out to check out a couple of the other local venues after her show, and everyone we ran into was like "oh hey, how was the show?" So they knew about it, remembered at least after the fact... And yet didn't come.

Do they not understand what a house concert is? Do they not like the music? Are they intimidated by the suggested donation? By not being able to bring food to the potluck? I just don't get it... I mean, what should be happening is that I should be having RSPVs zooming in the second I post the invitations, and people should be happy to pay $20 to ensure they get one of the limited seats available. That's how I'd love it to be. But I suppose if there was that much demand it would be time to move to a bigger venue, or something... see? head spinning... eff.

It's not really my job to take care of her. It's hers. She made the choice to live the life. But by taking on the concert, I feel like I AM making an unspoken/semi-spoken deal that I'm going to do everything I can to make a good show happen. I don't really know what's considered a good show. She said she was happy she did it. When she first met me, she shook my hand. When she left she gave me a hug. The people who came paid attention and said they liked the songs and told her how amazing she was, and that they'd help promote if she ever came back. (my defensive hackles rose up at that remark, as if I hadn't been promoting it!!!)

By contrast, she could have been playing in a smoky bar under the TV for 3 hours for tips, gotten some greasy food from the grill and had to sleep in her car. So I guess it could have been much worse.

Maybe I'm so upset because it's seeing the reality of the life that I think and say I want. On the one hand, you could say if she played for 1.25 hrs, she made like $48 per hour, plus merch sales. But the thing is, the job is not just the playing. It's the driving and the setting up and the schmoozing with the audience and all that. Plus writing and rehearsing and booking. So lets say even that she worked for 8 hours of the day, that comes out to $7.50 per hour, plus merch sales. That is getting into working a cafe job wages per hour, plus tips if you're lucky. But at least she's making music, right? huh. And seriously, it has to be less than that because you have to pay to make the records, and there are probably lots and lots and lots of days you work more than 8 hours. But for the sake of this little post, let's just leave it at $7.5o per hour plus merch.

So like, if I'm going to even out to making minimum wage either way, which would I rather do? Is that the question?

Damn.

ergh again

Need to write. Need to sleep. Giving myself 5 minutes. Timer is set.

Had an intense week, mostly brought on by my own head. A show to promote, stress that no one would come, trying to figure out how to make sure it was well covered without making people crazy/feeling spammed. Feeling like I didn't have much support. Like I would let the people down. Running around, posters, etc.

Show came. Decent crowd who loved it. People loved it, want to come back. So all good really. Always could have been more. Felt incredibly 'effing proud during the performance, awed that it was happening, I wanted it and worked it and there it was in front of me, always at least as good and sometimes better than I expected. Goosebumps so many times. GOOD STUFF. Amazing. Holy wowzers.

But the pinch. The confusion. At the end. Differing opinions. Between a rock and a hard place. dammit. Timer's up. More later maybe. Because it's bigger than just this, ties in to a bigger theme that has been tumbling in my mind for a while, and prominently for a few days/weeks.

People are coming tomorrow. I will need to finish cleaning house. It's a good start today but much more to do.

oh, and another head tumbling thing. A new friend who needs help, but I can't distinguish between drama and danger in her reality, and not sure if she can either. Don't want to get used, don't want to abandon someone who actually needs help. Help!

Sleep.

PS It snowed 4 inches, melted away in one day. The crocuses are still fine.

PPS Really, I'm OK. This is mostly little picture stuff, and the big picture stuff I'm not worried about because I know I'll be able to think it out/write it out/work on it soon.

Well THAT was interesting...

So. hrm. What a day.

Found out I didn't get a part in the play. It's ok, I'm really looking forward to watching it! and I appreciate that they told me clearly and right away. Other productions I've auditioned for have sometimes not figured it out for weeks, and then sometimes just not said anything to the people not cast, which is weird and ambiguous and frustrating. So there, clean, done, no worries, moving on. I'm not sure I would have really had time for the rehearsals anyway. Well, I would have made time, but it may have been stressful. He did say he thought I read well, and hoped to work with me in the future, which was good to hear.

The Dr visit was not what I expected. I got in there and she told me that my thyroid was normal but she thought I was right and that she was going to give me a little boost for losing weight - as in, she prescribed me pills for it! Which was confusing because when I told her last month that yes I thought I could use some help with losing weight, I meant more like moral support or something, I never thought I was asking for drugs... She asked if I'd ever taken diet pills before and I said that I had for a little bit in college (it was an herbal thing) but it made me jittery. She told me that it was like speed (?! I'm now a little confused if she meant this or if she meant the stuff I'd tried before), that I was going to do just fine with it and probably would like it a lot, that other people are really happy with the results. She listened to my breathing/heart, looked at my eyes and glanced at my right shin (?!). Said I needed to exercise 30 minutes a day but no more than 15 of weight bearing so as not to put stress on the leg joints that might accelerate arthritis, and also to keep a food & exercise journal and come in for monthly follow up visits where they will weigh and measure inches and bring that journal to get a refill of the prescription.

Whoa.

I mean seriously, just the diet and exercise journal and having to come in to get measured would surely do something. I've fluctuated a lot since I was a teenager, but I gained a LOT of weight during corporate life. I haven't gained any in the two years since, just haven't lost any, but then I haven't TRIED to lose any either.

I went and got the pills, and then realized afterward that I have all these questions and I'm a bit nervous for the side effects, that I might get addicted, that I would just gain all the weight back after going off them, etc.

G and I spent some time today reading online reviews from users who all had mixed results, including some who had experiences that verified my fears. Some loved it, some didn't find that it worked. Some had to BEG their doctors to prescribe it, and mine goes ahead when I didn't even ask. And she has a background in natural medicine. I just can't quite figure out where she stands now...

On the other hand, if they could just give me a little boost, head start, get me on the right track, that could be encouraging, right? At the moment it just seems like so daunting a task to even start. And how dangerous are the side effects compared to the side effects of being too heavy, especially the older I get? I just don't know.

Anyway, she left and had the nurse come in and take my starting measurements. The nurse was about to leave when I asked her if I could have a copy of my labs and she seemed surprised that I hadn't heard the results yet, but she went and got the paper for me. Everything was normal/fine. As usual. I should be grateful that I continue to be healthy/normal when it comes to the lab work in the past couple of years. I am!

So, today I started using a nice little journal program on my iPod that helps you count calories and exercise. I went to the pool and did 45 minutes (15 extra minutes so I could earn more calories back for dinner!) of swimming/water walking (when the kids came in and needed the deep end for swim practice) and then had 10 minutes in the hot tub. I had a small dinner and two cups of herbal tea and I am still hungry. This is going to take some getting used to. The first days are always the worst. I just want this to be permanent. I'm done. I'm tired of being this way.

I decided my words for the year were "release" and "abundance". I couldn't pick just one. Just "release" was too scary, but "abundance" on its own didn't seem powerful or motivating enough. When I participated in a Peruvian ceremony for the new year, I asked specifically that I have an abundance of sweetness in my life that would satisfy my cravings for it so that I didn't feel so compelled to literally eat things, but I wouldn't feel deprived - I would have that sweetness and satisfaction in my life in other ways. I released the heavy energy I no longer needed, asking Mother Earth to help me transform it, compost it for new harvests. So that is part of the reason I am going to give these pills a try. Maybe this is part of some divine plan, a big jump start/reset button that is coming to me NOW, rather than any time previous. I don't remember specifically asking my Dr for this kind of help, but wow, now I am remembering, did I ever ask the universe. Indeed. Yikes...

Let's see what happens. People HAVE lost weight before and kept it off. Both of my parents and one of my brothers for instance. Which should bode well for me, right?

Oh, and I start a new semester of online music classes today. I got a teacher I had previously who I really like, so that's good. I'm excited to see how much I've learned combining with the new techniques they are teaching us in this one.

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Huh

It's funny, you know, posting things to the web. Sometimes you work really hard on things, put a lot of time and attention on them and want to share them with the world, you post them up and no one comes. No one responds. It's like shouting your head off to an empty room.

And then other times, you just do something random and innocent and they flock to it.

I have a video on YouTube, just a minute and a half, of some streets we drove through on the way back from class in Barranquilla. I actually made it because a video I'd posted previous to it was showing some of the really poor areas of the city and I didn't want people watching my channel to freak out that I was down there in such craziness, where there's a full range and high contrast between the wealthy and poor areas of the city. But somehow some site about B'quilla used my video on their front page, and now I have 26,469 views and 84 text comments, most of them fighting about whether the town is any good or not.

Or some of my most viewed pix on flickr are of the Vintage Power Wagons I took sort of on a whim during the rally on the square a couple years ago. I was inspired by the pretty shininess mostly. And big trucks driving up on the wheels of other big trucks is pretty cool too. :)

The thing is, neither of those popular "social objects" (as they call stuff that goes "viral" (relatively speaking, in my case) like that) is part of a genre or theme I'd want to maximize on. They were total one time flukes. Someone subscribing to my content streams expecting to get more of the same would be sorely disappointed.

So then my question is - is my content that I consciously create in hopes of getting a response just not good enough, or have I just not found my audience yet? Or does the world just like big trucks more than music?

Random

This is the day to day me. This is the doubts, the confusion and complaining. This is where I don't care, where I don't censor or try. (at least not as much and not as hard)

I have all sorts of parts and pieces. I try to stay positive, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes the frustrations need to get out somewhere.

Sometimes I just think it's all hormonal.

But I never want to invalidate the feelings. It's just the hormones make it harder to hold back what's already there.

Status update: Heather is wishing I could be less of a sponge and more of a paintbrush. Oooh! Sponge painting! Maybe?

Soaking soaking soaking up information. To what purpose? Just to get soggy and damp and lethargic and bloated? BLECH! Painting is harder than absorbing. dammit.

Floating in limbo land.

Struggling to find the right balance of structured and free time. Structure is so much easier for me when someone else imposes it. Or at least part of it.

I do get things done. Majorly updated my interview archives today. Took 4 hours. But all these other shoulds, hovering. They don't let me enjoy or celebrate the accomplishments I DO achieve. DAMMIT!

I seem to have a least a little something each day. One thing. One person. That helps. Often I try to "work" out in cafes and coffee shops, just to get out of the house, to see some humans.

I see the same people in the coffee shops. Even though I rotate coffee shops. Are we on the same schedule? Are the other shops empty, or is there a whole set of latte drinking laptop-ers I don't even know about?

I want a nice logo and design for my music blog, but I'm not sure I can afford it. Don't care enough to learn how to do it myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere? Just tweaking a template enough that it's not obviously a template, without having to overhaul everything?

Haven't gotten started on Christmas ANYTHING. This is freaking me out. Frustrating.

Highly lacking in motivation and inspiration! PISSER! I have lots of time, more than I have had in a while, and just frittering it away? But I don't really even care all that much? UGH. GROSS. LAME.

I Feel Like Such a Hacker...

...working from home in my little freezing corner room full of creative scraps and supplies, wearing an oversized holey old sweater and mismatched little gloves with the fingertips cut off, hair all askew, munching on toast... The only thing is I wouldn't know the first thing about actually hacking anything. Actually, it was MY computer they were trying to hack into this morning, so I can start training my replacement in FL by showing her as I go. It's kind of creepy really... They were able to get into my computer, but then the skype headset didn't really work. So tomorrow I hope it'll be all ready to go.

In other news, I am SO GLAD THE CAUCUS IS TONIGHT so I can do it and get it over with. I really think it's one of the most embarrassing and invasive things you could make a person do. Stand up so everyone can see who you're supporting. ergh. I don't know what my problem is and I hope some day I'll get over it, but at the moment I like to keep my politics private. I guess I'm just so deeply diplomatic that choosing a side is hard for me, and so worried about what others think of me that I don't want to offend or lose any friends or their respect by choosing someone they don't agree with. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if I was really clear on who I did support, but I don't know enough about any of them really, and it's not really what I want to spend my time and energy on. Just when I think I've got one figured out, something comes out that I hadn't heard before and sends me into a spin again.

But I know it's important, so I'm going to go out and do my part. We'll see what happens.