Two things I haven't done in a while...

1. Wear my ring on the proper finger

2. Make a Valentine card.

Re 1: It's not 100% comfortable yet, but month ago it would have been a struggle to get on, and I would have started panicking to get it off immediately after, which would include stuff like running my hand under cold water and using soap. Tonight I can get it on and off easily, and had it on for at least an hour without it bothering me at all. PROGRESS!!!

Re 2: It's not as detailed or intricate as cards I have done before, and yeah, probably any kid could have done just about the same, but the point being I was motivated, and I made it with my own two hands. Not sure how long it's been since I made a Valentine card...

I think the pendulum swung from overdoing on making cards during my school years, (as in, making cards for absolutely everyone I knew in an attempt to make the cards that I gave to my crushes just seem like "one of the crowd" and nothing particularly special. Yeah, I was a goof that way...) to not doing at all. Maybe next year I can reserve making cards for more of the people I care about without overdoing. Because it really IS fun. PROGRESS!!!

Overdone

So... it was supposed to be 3 weeks of brunch. But the regular guy got stuck in the country he was visiting, so in total it's going to be 5 weeks! Luckily last time I split the shift, so it wasn't quite as hard. Hoping to do the same this week, or at least have someone do the cleanup part.

But coming off a weekend of double brunches, I went into a week of rehearsals/tech every night except Thurs, which I used to go up to OTM to pick up a performance dress from JCP. Which *thanktheluckystars* fit beautifully and didn't require the purchase of additional undergarments.

Shows Friday and Saturday were pretty much fun enough to make up for the hellish tech days where I remember mentioning to G at one point that I wasn't sure this was fun enough to be worth it. So glad it turned out to be super fun. Totally sold out on Sat and decided to do an encore performance on Sun night. We got about 160 people, purely through last minute word of mouth, and the show was shorter (and cheaper) because not all the artists could make it, having other things going on in their lives. I think we still put on a great show, even missing some of the big numbers. The people there really stepped up to fill in the gaps wherever they could with great energy.

But somehow after the Sunday performance, I couldn't sleep. I didn't really try. Not like I was lying in bed tossing & turning, but I frittered away a night on the internet. Slept till about noon. So I got enough sleep technically, but it wasn't good sleep. And then I was up late on Monday night too since I wasn't quite ready for sleeping due to waking up so late, but at least I got up at a decent hour today because I had my radio show. Nuts. And here I am again up pretty late. grr. I need to start writing in my journal again.

Started the caretaker job today. I think it will be good. Part time. Not too stressful or strenuous but important and useful. Going to learn a lot too I think.

I've lost 12 lbs in under a month. That's a lot in such a short time, no doubt due to the pills, although it's not uncommon for someone starting a diet to shed a lot in the first couple weeks, and they usually say a lot of that is water. 2 more lbs and I will be less than I've been in 4 or 5 years. 26 lbs and I will be at my wedding weight. I must have gained quite a lot (38 lbs?!) pretty quickly after the wedding because I remember my wedding weight and I remember my pre-diet weight but I don't really remember many of the in-between numbers. And I'd been hovering at the pre-diet weight pretty much ever since losing my full time job. So it was either pretty quick or I was totally oblivious or maybe some combo of the two. Yikes.

Yikes.

And I'm trying to remember details (I'm so bad with dates!) but I think I gained something like 50 lbs in the 3 or 4 years between finishing college and getting married. Say it was 50 in 4 years - that's 12.5 per year, or a teeny bit more than just 1 lb per month. Not something you'd really notice at that rate at first, but if you don't keep track and look for balance, all of a sudden, yeah, it adds up. Shit. Especially when you consider that thing about how women start losing muscle mass after the age of 25, and how many more calories do muscles burn just sitting down than fat does? It's a significant number - 400 a day??? I can't remember, but I get the point.

But the good news is that I didn't gain anything to speak of in the 2 years since The Job. Cutting out such a huge source of stress was hugely beneficial in that respect. This is part of what makes me hopeful that I can maintain whatever I end up getting to.

I got some birthday $ to pay a friend to help me with some cleaning/organizing. She has done a few projects that have been great - small but useful and things that I just have not gotten around to in waaaay too long. And her being here inspires me to work on stuff too - I started working on the cubby in the front entryway and got rid of a ton of stuff already! Still quite a bit more to go, and it's one of those "stuff" cupboards that is just going to fill with other stuff and will need cleaning out again in another couple of years I'm sure, but that is no reason not to clean it out as much as possible now.

It feels good to keep letting things go. It is also nice to have my friend here because I can tell her about the little things that I need to throw away but are kind of hard. Today for example, I found in the cubby a beautiful glass vase, probably handblown, that we got as a wedding present but the base broke shortly after we got it. I tried gluing it back together at least a couple of times and it just never stayed glued! So it was time to let it go. But I showed her how it was my favorite colors and explained how bummed I was that I never got to enjoy it properly before it broke. A miniscule memorial service I suppose... In any case, talking about it made it much easier to drop in the trash.

I think the physical practice of releasing the objects enforces the concept mentally and emotionally that it's ok to let emotional/energetic clutter go, that it's good to have whatever degree of "memorial service" is necessary to mourn that thing, whatever it may be, and how much lighter and relieved it feels to be done with it.

So yeah, I'm encouraged to continue, in little chunks that don't overwhelm. My friend is coming one more time tomorrow, and I asked her to come in the morning so I would get myself up! Which means that it's way, way past time for me to be in bed...

This Girl...

...was not fat. But she thought she was. That makes me sad. She wasn't tiny either, but come on!

See those tiny rolls on the side? The little hint of a belly? She was soooo embarrassed by them!

What was she thinking?

I know one thing she thought. That all the other girls were so much smaller. That she'd never get to that "magic number" all the charts said she would be. It was just too hard. So she gave up. Other things crept up on her. Stress, doubts, debts, frustrations from all sides. Food was reliable, an instant life sweetener during bitter times. And she couldn't get to the number anyway, so what was the point of denying herself one more thing in life, one thing she actually had control of?

And that boy smiling at her in the picture seemed to always be smiling however she was. Always told her she was beautiful and pretty, even when she just woke up, or was sick. He saw her from the inside.

If I ever see that girl again, I'm going to tell her she is gorgeous inside AND out. That she is perfect just the way she is.

Isn't she?

It's Here!

(Beginning is a Cross post from MySpace)

December. And the Ice and Snow. Grah.

Spent most of the day lazy, inside. Was supposed to have a vocal workshop but it got canceled due to the ice storm. Did manage to shower and dress and get out to see the final show of The Gondoliers, which was good. A bunch of the great regulars, some new greats, costumes, set, voices, band, all great. I figured out the final plot twist pretty early on, so I'm trying to decide if I'm happy i was smart enough to pick up on it, or mad because then for the whole rest of the show it seemed a little slow, like "get to the end where it all works out already!" except that then I would have missed all the awesome dancing and songs. So it's all good.

I'm also conflicted about December, because on the one hand I am so ready for this month to be over (work), and on the other hand I need a few months to get ready for it (Christmas). Usually every year I come up with some little crafty present that I make for all my family and close friends - candles, tea, jewelry, etc. And this year I'm just NOT feeling it, at all. The only thing I want to do when I'm home is sleep or waste time online.

I saw a picture of myself today, of me in my Halloween costume at work 3 years ago, in the old building, when I'd just started. 3 years and 75 lbs ago. The thing that kills me is right now I think I look pretty good in that picture, but back then I thought I was fat. I certainly wasn't skinny skinny, but I was doing pretty good. Geesh, the things a stressful desk job and getting older will do to you. Here's hoping whatever happens next in my life will include more activity and creativity, and less stress.

The thing is, I also remember that 3 years ago I was really freaked out and depressed and drifting and trying to scrape by financially, and the job really saved my life in a whole lot of big ways. I guess though, the job and the company is not the same one that I started with. I know so much more now than I did then - about marketing, the internet and social networking, about the corporate world, about myself. I guess each thing just leads to the next thing.

My next for sure thing is that I'm going to Colombia for 2 months starting in February to study Spanish. I've been wanting to get fluent in it since meeting G. There was one time in the beginning, during our crazy-romantic-whirlwind-we-barely-knew-each-other New England road trip. I don't remember exactly what it was that got him so upset, but my fuzzy impression from what, 6 years ago? was this - I think it was something about how we'd been set up in separate cots in the living room of the family J was staying with after we saw her play and I wouldn't let him come near me or something. I had somehow gotten some paranoid feeling from J about the RULES in the house and I was feeling a bit terrified and not entirely welcome and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize our place to stay so my defense was to behave and be as quiet and small as possible. Whatever it actually was, I do remember quite clearly that G got very upset and started quietly crying and ranting in Spanish. Not only that, he wouldn't translate it either, and it FREAKED ME OUT. I mean, it's one thing not to understand someone, and it's another to not even know what they are saying - at ALL. And somehow, even in that moment, and in several times in the years after that, I've had terrifying notions of my children speaking Spanish, and me not being able to understand THEM either. G's English has gotten super good, and living in the states I'm sure our kids would mostly speak English anyway, but there could still be this secret language they could flip into at any moment to leave me out if I don't learn it.

Aside from that, I think it's cool to be able to speak more than one language, and more and more Spanish is actually a practical skill to have in this country and around the world. All the internet companies are looking to tap into the Spanish speaking market, so there could really be an explosion of need for people who can speak both languages.

I'm a little nervous to be away from home for so long, but it'll be good to get out of the winter weather, and I think it'll take two months to really immerse and be forced into it. But I think I'll get it, especially since I'll be there without G to translate, I'll have to really figure it out for myself.

The two biggest things I'm struggling with about the trip are the whole food thing, and fitting in vs being myself.

Every time I've gone I've had some digestive problems. The first time was really bad and I was knocked out in bed for like 3 days. The second time wasn't too bad, towards the end and it evened out pretty quick when I got home. This last trip was so short and it only started on my last day and I think it had the potential to get bad but I think I knocked out the worst of it with a super hot bath in the hotel the night we got back. My guts are getting better but still not quite right. I'm hoping if I go shopping there I can pick out my own food and just keep it really simple and healthy for a couple months. I think there's also like probiotics or something that should help. I'll ask the ladies at Thymely Solutions.

The whole fitting in thing - there actually IS a level of safety in looking like I fit in there, as opposed to singling myself out as someone from the US. There's the full range of shapes, sizes, colors in Barranquilla, and people have definitely spoken Spanish to me expecting me to understand - at Carnaval they called us Cachacos (from the mountains) before they called us Gringos (US). We were just paler because we didn't have as much of that coastal sun. BUT, from what I could see, all the girls below the age of 35 or so keep their hair long... Which puts a crimp in my plans to go short and some crazy color. Dyeing it dark again is no problem, but length isn't something I can really add back, and it'll only grow so much in 2 months... hrmmmmm. There's also clothes - most of the girls at the university seemed to be wearing long, dark jeans. In that heat? Argh! Oh, and little strappy sandals - no can do with my orthodics. I really need to get over it and just do what I need to do to be comfortable and healthy and myself, and focus on what I'm going there for - to learn Spanish.

Oh, and maybe do a little soul-searching.

I've never really stopped and allowed myself to ask "What do you want to do/be?" Since I got out of school I've mostly focussed on earning money to pay the loans back and haven't really allowed myself to dream or explore. As work got more and more corporate I started feeling more what I DIDN'T want to do or be. Even though I see the crazy life that singer-songwriters have there is some secret part of me that STILL thinks it would be really cool to have enough skills and things to say that you could take yourself on the road and make a difference in people's lives. Fairfield can't be the ONLY town that listens... Why would these people keep touring and putting out records by their own blood, sweat and tears if they weren't getting SOMETHING out of it??

There's supposed to be a guitar class with this AMAZING guitarist starting up in April, which I'd be back for. It'd be once a week in Iowa City I think, but omg it would be so worth the drive to study with her.

At the play tonight one of the actors complimented me on my last show and said I needed to do more stuff. I told him that maybe since work was ending I'd have more time now. It's always nice to get unsolicited feedback weeks after a performance. By then they really don't have to tell you unless they were truly moved or impressed by it.

I've been listening to John Mayer's new song "Say" on repeat while writing this. It's really inspiring me like crazy - "say what you need to say" - "do it with a heart wide open". He wrote it for a movie coming out called "The Bucket List" about two older guys who start doing stuff on their lists of "Things To Do Before Kicking the Bucket". Why wait till getting as old as those guys?