grrr

Been having a couple of down/rough days. Not sure what that's about. Wrong time for PMS. Maybe just thoroughly tired myself out from staying up waaaay too late for the past couple of weeks.

It's been 2 months since I started with the diet and I'm feeling a bit worn down on it at the moment. Hungry actually. Which just started happening in the past couple of days too. My mom suggested that it may be some specific taste I'm missing out on as a result of calorie reduction and to try out those different tastes (Sweet, Sour, Salty, Bitter, Pungent, and Astringent) to see if one seems to satisfy. Will have to experiment with that a little more in the next few days.

The weight loss has slowed down too, (which is not unexpected really, it's always the most drastic when you first start) and I am realizing what a long haul this is going to be, and the thought of that tires me out at the moment. Along with realizing that I will probably at some point have to reduce calories even further. ugh. I know it will be worth it for so many reasons, and it's VERY encouraging to have gotten such a nice jump start, but just right now I'm worn down.

Music blog and radio show seem to be ramping up a bit. That is good. (though still trying to catch up on back shows, and starting to feel a bit more pressure to be more professional or something). Job is good. Spring is coming, VERY GOOD.

Sorta caught up on a few online music lessons, progress, but still not caught up and need to not fall FARTHER behind. argh.

But for now, I have to get up early for Dr check-in tomorrow. So I am going to bed. Semi sorta early for my past few weeks. blegh.

Roller Coaster Ride

Oh yeah, so that emotional roller coaster I was mentioning in the last post, we took a little downhill turn today.  I'm still overall very much happier than I was a few months ago, exciting things are happening, little jobs are coming in for a little bit more money, I'm keeping really busy and being more social, and I almost wouldn't register this little blip except that I'd kind of like to keep some sort of record of these down times to see if/how they coordinate with my monthly cycle, which I suspect strongly that they do.  But as always, it's not that the emotions aren't there and then magically pop into existence, it's just that my abilities to ignore or deny or stuff them down weakens at certain points, or when I let myself think about it for extended periods or a certain circumstance brings it to my face...

My current class on Melody is really bringing it up.  I have a hard time with feeling stupid, with allowing myself to learn new things.  It's particularly hard when I have a dichotomy of my brain understanding the underlying theory behind something, and my hands just plain not having the built in or trained ability to make it happen.  It's scary and frustrating because I don't know how much practice it would take to get to that mind/body fluency, if I would ever even get there, and if I DO have the capacity, what would be the fastest way to get there.  So I end up avoiding it altogether, doing stupid things that give me a false and fast sense of accomplishment like dopey games on Facebook - "I made it to level 24!" and such.  The Melody class makes me feel stupid.  Makes me think things like, "Well, maybe I should just be a lyricist..."

This is a deep, deep pattern, procrastinating to the point of not having much time to finish a project, so that I have a "good excuse" if it ends up not being very good - "of course it's not, I didn't spend much time on it!"

I have wild vacillating moments of thoughts that seem normal at one second and then seem wildly audacious the next - I saw a site for a songwriting contest and started pondering if I should enter - it's $35 per song, which is not that much and yet kind of a lot of money.  It's definitely a barrier to make sure people are sure of themselves to a point that means a certain level of quality for the most part.  So I was really thinking about it like it was no big deal, just try it without any expectations sort of thing, and then I started seeing some of the names of people who had entered and won or even just been finalists in the past, people I really admire and think are great songwriters.  And then I quickly spiraled down into comparison land again - "Who am I to even try to put myself up next to those people?!"

But tiny things give me hope - working on a song with someone I trust, who will tell me when things aren't working, and then her saying for one of them "This is really pretty."  Getting asked to record a little, and comparing that recording to a big name and thinking it actually sounds pretty good, sound quality-wise anyway.  (There's another one of those things where I do something that seems normal at first and then suddenly audacious).  A nice comment on a YouTube video.  Online musician friends taking my requests for advice seriously and giving me real feedback.  Last year a pop singer visiting from LA, who has been signed to a big label years back, telling me that she really LIKED my melodies.  Twice.  And that was stuff I wrote years before this class!  I don't know what it will/would take for me to feel like I have permission to be here, to do this.

I talked to G and he said he didn't think I should give up so easily on songwriting.  That maybe I needed to take more classes, spend more hours on the work.  That frustrated me because we looked at the financials months back, when I was deciding to do the whole certificate program, and there just wasn't any way that I could just take classes (like maybe 2 at a time) and not be bringing at least a minimum amount of money in to cover bills.  I feel like I've really minimized my expenses and I don't really see any areas where I could cut back further.  I've gotten even more creative in trying to figure out trades/volunteering/working for certain things that I want/need to have/do.  

G was maybe also implying that I just need to be patient and take more time, however much I need, but I feel so much pressure to do/be/have/get started "for real" NOW NOW NOW.  Because I know we want a family both family and career are things that everyone says are best started young and I'm not getting younger!

If I just wanted to write songs for me to hear, well, I do that already.  The problem/challenge is I want to be successful.  I don't know if there's anyone in the world who knows how to do that, really, not with a formula.  Well, there are formulas for pop stars maybe, but even then, why does one person or group catch on with "the public" more than the other, when all other things seem to be equal?

And then I think and wonder - do I really want to be even partially famous?  How famous does one have to be to be sustainable?  Whatever that is, could I handle it??  Not that I think that would really even probably be a problem for quite a while, or really that it's one I'd be lucky to have.  And I read the blogs of the independent artists I admire who are working their asses off and the are struggling to stay afloat and people are watching the TV's in the bars instead of them, and I see the shows here in town where the cafe which is small already feels empty and I'm trying to discretely count how many people are there and figure out the worst possible scenario for how much they need to spend on gas and will they make it to the next town but thank goodness they have a free place to stay tonight at least and why on earth would I want to put myself through that, huh?

Well, the reason why is because of the friggin amazing moments I have listening to those indie heros and heroines - transporting, heart opening/healing, soul connection, deep understanding, uplifting, belly laughing, epiphany moments.  I can't receive those moments and NOT be inspired to attempt to reciprocate, not necessarily with them, but with the cosmic energy - I get such a charge I feel like I need to give back however I can.  And somehow some part of me thinks/feels I need to do it in song form, rather than any other myriad ways that one could give back.  The blogging about musicians and the radio show helps a little, but it's really not enough.  I need to do it myself.  Writing songs is what watching the performances inspires me to do, not paint or write novels or whatever, writing a song.

The other thing that frustrates me about a lot of the classes I take is they seem to want to teach me about the blues.  I like the blues live, and for dancing.  But I don't sit down and pick out a blues album to listen to when I want to listen to music.  It's not the kind of music I want to write (at this point in my life at least!  Don't want to be definitive when who knows who/how I will be in the future).  I know that there will be principles in blues music that will apply to any kind of music, but it feels like a roundabout way to get to what I want.  I actually like a lot of what I write, at the time I write it at least, but I don't have the perspective to know if it's any good in the eyes of the general opinion.  I know there will always be people on the full range of the fence, but there really is a general consensus on a lot of things.

I really need someone I can talk to about this, maybe several someones, but people who can both tell me the truth about where I stand at the moment, and what my chances are, without crushing my soul or making me feel dumb for even considering it.  I know my beautiful, wonderful, amazing friends and family can give me all sorts of encouragement, but it's very very sad to say, I don't generally trust them to give me the more objective feedback I need.  It's good, because I also DO need a group of people to love and support me unconditionally, I need that very much!  But I think I'm ready for that other level of feedback from a different group of people, that pushes me forward...  

Late night freak out ramblings....

Wiped out, but happy

Still recovering from 2 days at the courthouse counting ballots. Left there just before midnight last night. We finished counting by 9:30 but I stayed to help check in all the poll workers coming in from the various wards.

Here's the main room we worked in, all cleaned up:


Here are most of the bags from the wards all full of ballots and sealed for storage. They have to be kept for 22 months.


It's still hitting me, how happy I am that Obama won. It's kind of a culture shock too, because all during the counting everyone was pretty careful to remain pretty neutral, although there were a few minor comments about how Ru's are weird, nothing really horrible but that I don't think would have been made if they thought I was one, and then afterwards there seemed to be a few disgruntled Republicans around checking in their ballot bags. It was kind of too bad to have that little tinge to the night, because other than that the whole two days were a really inspirational time of people working together to get what needed to happen done that made me feel so proud.

So it wasn't till I got home, and read the transcripts of the speeches by both McCain and Obama that I was able to have it sink in. and I cried because I was so relieved, and do inspired. It feels like for the most part the country has started breathing again, when many of us didn't know we were holding our breath.

In other news I signed up for a Lyrics Writing course through Berklee Online. I'm taking their music theory 101 right now and it's kicking my butt, so I figured I better do something a bit more creative for my next class. It doesn't start until January but I got a discount for signing up early, which is why I had to do it now. At least I can ask for the textbooks for Christmas.

Counting and Counting and Counting

So today I woke up at 8:04. Despite the fact that I'd set two alarms on my cell phone because I was supposed to be at the courthouse at 8:00am to help prepare for processing the absentee/early voter ballots. Or so I thought. Mid-swearing, I threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth and hair, chugged some Emergen-C and grabbed a bagel, managing to get to the courthouse by about 8:15 only to sit and wait for the poor, harried people in the auditor's office to get a spare moment to show us what to do. Which means we got actually started processing ballots at about 10am.

And by processing ballots I mean counting stacks of ballots in their envelopes, taking the ballots, still in their secrecy sleeves, out of the outer envelope and bundling them in stacks of 25. (I was a SPEED DEMON with the letter opener!!) And then, after we'd done that with a batch of around 600, we had to count up all the envelopes and all the ballots and make sure that we had a ballot for every envelope. Which meant counting all 600 or 700 things 3 or 4 times. But we always ended up with every thing matching up by the end of it. And then start on another batch of 600 or 700, till we were done. And then we locked up all the ballots in big metal boxes with numbered seals and wrote everything down and locked the boxes in another room in the courthouse. I left the courthouse around 8:45pm.

There were somewhere around 4,000 absentee/early ballots issued, so we're still gonna have a bunch to do tomorrow.

And then we're going to actually have to take the ballots out of the secrecy sleeves and run them through the machine that counts the votes! And then hand count any write-in votes. And put all the affidavit envelopes in numerical order so we can account for any of those 4,000 that didn't get returned to us.

And the chairs were hard wooden ones, and I had 1/2 an hour for lunch and another 10 minute break around 4:30 where I dashed to Rev's and got a Mocha Java shake and a scone. Didn't have dinner till afterwards, went to Subway.

But.

It was really amazing. It felt good. Taking the oath to do everything right and and in our power to ensure everything goes right. Counting every ballot and envelope, over and over if we had to, making sure none were stuck together, that everything was accounted for. Seeing all the names on the outside envelopes, friends who are away at school but still sent in their votes, all the people who voted early, all the people who CARE about their country. All the little rules in place to make sure everything is fair - there has to be at least one Republican and one Democrat in the room at all times, and one of each party to transport the ballots from room to room. Outside observers can come watch us work. (I'm not sure what their credentials have to be, I don't think just anyone can wander in, but there can definitely be people watching us work, and there were several today.)

I felt like "Here are good people, doing a good job, looking out for everyone and making sure everything is fair." It was damn inspiring. And thank goodness, because tomorrow is going to be an even longer day.

Note To Self

Do not drink coffee (with caffeine) after lunch. Even if someone buys it for you.

You know this self. Shame on you.

In other notes:

The new iPhoto is lame when it comes to posting photos or videos to the web. Can't browse to the files. Grrrrrr. Maybe works fine if you have their iWeb site or whatevers, but for flickr and YouTube, I have to either use the uploader, or export and give the file a new name or drag the vids to the desktop, all of which is a huge bother, especially when the old iPhoto had everything all pretty and organized by dates in files and was easy and perfect and intelligent.

Also had a wee bit of a breakdown today over money, but talked it out and agreed that staying positive and being smart, resourceful and intelligent over our choices is much more productive and powerful than getting depressed, freaked out or stingy. Pointed out that while we might be making about 1/2 as much money, probably about 1/2 of our money went to fun things last year, so we won't starve, we just might not have as much fun or will have to be more conscious about it.

I wanna get my bike fixed and get a bigger basket/rack thingy for the back so I can carry more stuff. Not driving should save gas money. It's just been kinda crappy and cold the past few days. And might be for a bit longer...

My baby brother is turning 21 on Friday. Whoa.

Thinking again about all sorts of ways to earn money. All of which take time and focus. I'm sure it's possible to do several at once, but not all, and it might take some settling down of some to figure out how much time I have for the others. Should stop and think about what I really want/think would make me happiest, because it might not necessarily be the one that makes the most money per hour. Sigh.