Bits and Pieces

We were putting up plastic on the laundry room windows tonight and as part of my continuing de-clutter mission I picked up a stack of papers and went through it. Ticket stubs, newspapers from 2007, financial things, manuals, receipts from our UK trip.

I found it. The resume I used to get the "big job" all those years ago. Looking it over, I don't feel so bad or cranky that they couldn't find the copy I had given them on file anywhere for when they let us all go. I (probably, I hope I) would have started over anyway. It's charming, and I do want to hold on to it, but I've come soooo far since then. Wow.

And yet here I am, (is it two or 3 years later?) without a full time job. I am mostly ok with this. It's kind of a rotten time to be looking for a job anyway. We are mostly doing fine. I am getting by on my part time stuff. The caretaker position is going pretty well so far I think. She is happy to have me. I want to make sure I am really providing service and I feel a little lost sometimes, making it up as I go, not sure who to ask if I have questions.

I know if I wanted to go back to a big office job that 1) I'd still be further along than I was in that resume I found tonight, even if it's been a while between "real" jobs. 2) I'd have to figure out a way to make those "inactive" years look good/productive 3) As long as I stay in FF, the chances of me getting an office job based more on my reputation as opposed to a resume are extremely high.

But that's a big if, the wanting to go back to a big office job. A little one, maybe. A big one, notsomuch...

The thing that has been eating away at me is here I am, I carved out this life with time for working on music, I took out a big loan to study it, and I'm 5 weeks into a 12 week class, and I've only done the first week's work?!?! What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been really confused lately about music and the music world and my place in it. I know, I've been really confused about it in one way or another for years now, but this has been picking at me more insistently lately. It's the conflict between two big pieces of advice/schools of thought, whathaveyou that both make sense to me on their own but I can't figure how to hold them both. The "Just create - sit down at the table and do the work. You take care of the quantity, God takes care of the quality." concept and "If you want to be successful in music, you have to create something AMAZING. If you can't create something AMAZING, don't bother. Don't waste your time or anyone else's" idea that makes good business sense.

I know, I know. I'm allowed to make art for art's sake. I have to start somewhere before I even have a chance at being any good. But I was reading something on a musician's blog about how there is a lot of well produced crap out there, and they are thinking it's because no one is giving these DIY-ers a honest evaluation of their work... And that's just it for me. How do I know when someone is telling me the truth? And how do I take it when people don't say anything? My "jump to worst conclusion first because anything other than that will be better" reaction assumes that they aren't saying anything because they hate it/think it's dumb/don't want to hurt my feelings, which makes me afraid to ask for real feedback. Because if it's so bad they don't say anything, what is that awful thing they are not saying? eff.

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I am still waiting for that magical person who I will be able to trust is telling me the truth to tap me on the head with a gold glitter star wand and tell me I'm worthy. That the work is worth doing because it WILL pay off in the end. I don't want to be the charity case. I don't want to be the one they grudgingly let in the show/chorus/band and then freak out about at the last second and stick me in the back row.

I need a mentor/cheerleader/coach so bad right now. Someone to remind me of my strengths and guide me through the exercises I need to build up my weak parts. Someone who understands the mindf*&% of being an artist and can talk me down from the worked up froth in my brain. Someone who will help hold me accountable to doing the woodshedding. Someone who will listen, and who will ASK me the right questions to draw me out, get me excited and encouraged and hopeful.

Back. Or something.

I'm back from my trip to Colorado. Which was amazing. Lots of learning, breakthroughs, connections, heart openings, transformations etc, etc. I'm having a hard time adjusting to being back home though. The contrast from being in a community of like-minded people in full on CREATIVE mode for a week is pretty drastic.

Not to mention the to-dos in a bunch of areas and the disaster of the house is weighing pretty heavy on my mind and shoulders. G helped me clean the kitchen last night. At least ONE room in the house is clean.

I'm still wearing my stupid plastic wristbands from the trip. I kept my Song School one on during Folks Fest to show off a little, I admit. I wasn't the only one though, and it was a nice way to confirm that yes, we'd just been part of the few who had been a part of those few amazing days. I took a picture of them today, maybe I'll end up taking them off for tomorrow when I have to cook... They are a nice little anchor, reminding me of that good time. Conversation starter too, people ask what they're for, if I was at the Fair or Fun City or something and then I get to tell them where I got them.

I know I can't stay on vacations forever. But the contrast between vacation me and most-of-the-time me is so drastic sometimes that I can't help but think I must be doing something wrong most of the time. I remember that ear-to-ear grin stretching across my face for most of the week and compare it to the tightness in my jaw right now and my heart aches.

Do I just need less stuff?? Is it the stuff that weighs me down? When I just have a room or a tent and a few essentials, it sure is a lot less to think about and take care of. I don't think that's all of it, but I bet it wouldn't hurt to get rid of things...

I know also that if I did somehow stay on vacation forever it would cease to be vacation and turn into most-of-the-time and take on it's own problems. So yeah, it's about finding some sort of balance. I need to be a little patient with myself and let me just get back and catch up on things a bit and then worry about how to integrate the new things I learned with my life from before into a new version of my life.

I do know that it's wrong to compartmentalize my life and only let this part that came out to be out for one week in August. Gotta find a balance point.

Because while it was amazing, I also know that if I'd stayed much longer, I probably would have reached a burnout point there too. The dryness of the desert mountains, the so many people, the constant incoming stream of information, spending lots of money on food, etc.

So yeah. Balance. Swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other. Waiting for that mid point...

More Fun with Widgets!

I just interviewed Juli Crockett and Lisa Dee the co-founders of a band called The Evangenitals on my radio show this week. Started almost as a joke where they sang 2 Christmas carols and one original at an open mic in LA, they soon grew to a full band with a rotating cast of players, including two Fairfielders at the moment - David Hurlin and Matt Ticciati! I think some people might get freaked out by the name, and also wonder what kind of music it is. Let's start with the name first. On their site it says:

EVANGELICAL: characterized by ardent or crusading enthusiasm; zealous. GENITALS: the organs of creation; the private parts

These people are definitely highly creative and extremely enthusiastic about life in general, including their music! Everything I find written by Juli online is inspiring and passionate about life. She started meditating recently and will post on her twitter about how she's meditating in the back of the van before a show or some other random place.

The music is a wonderful mix of alt-country, folk-rock, and even has some punk mentalities every so often. Hard Luck, for example, starts out as a loping, rickety, sad country song and then fills out to a lush, full, rocking sound in the choruses.

Juli's multi-talents also include writing and directing plays! So when she and Lisa Dee met, and found out that Juli wrote plays and Lisa sang opera, they said, "Let's make something together!" and one of the results was the musical "The Dawn of Quixote: Chapter the First".

7 or 8? years later, they have been invited to perform the show at the prestigious Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland, with the full Evangenitals band as the live orchestra!

They are currently raising funds to pay for room and board for all 9 members of their company with this fascinating website called "Kickstarter". People pledge their donations and will get prizes for certain levels, but nobody pays a cent until/unless the full goal amount is met by the due date! At the time I'm writing this they have 30% worth of pledges and 13 days to go, so I imagine they must be biting their nails a bit... Check out the widget and see what you think:



Minimum pledge is $1, and every dollar helps them!

Buffets

A friend of a friend made a very good analogy the other day that still has me thinking. We were at a little birthday party and someone was commenting about how Facebook was so overwhelming with all the crazy applications and everything, and this guy said "Facebook is like a buffet - some people sample everything, some people pick and choose. It doesn't mean both aren't enjoying and getting something out of it."

I thought that was brilliant, useful and very accurate. Similar to Chris Brogan's analogy that Twitter is like a cocktail party, and you shouldn't expect or try to follow and contact everyone - just drop in on the conversations that interest you and gracefully move from one to the next, knowing full well that there is a room full of people you won't even get to.

Here's my problem though, in online life AND at real buffets. I want to try everything. My powers of discrimination and saying no to things are not my strong point. So many things interest me (in life and in food), and when it comes to people, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm good at finding the positive side to nearly any situation, at trying to see things from another point of view, at not assuming that my way is the only way or the right way for everyone else (though I can be darn stubborn when it comes to my way being the right way for ME.) When I worked at the online art company and I had to choose a gallery of say 15 potential products that would be a good match for a client, I'd come up with 45 possibilities, manage to cut it down to maybe 30 and then beg one of my more decisive co-worker friends to weed out the extra 15 because for every piece of art I was able to say "but someone might like that because _______!" Sigh.

I have noticed and realized that the online buffet of distractions is WAY more than one could ever consume in a lifetime, let alone a single sitting, and I've even coached others who feel overwhelmed by online stuff to go in the "pick and choose" direction, but doing it for myself is another matter. I always marvel at those people who go to buffets and have just a few things on their plate, with space in-between! They probably marvel at me with all the food piled up and touching.

I think there must be a balance to it all. A way to be decisive and inclusive. Of course some situations call more for it than others. The pile of soggy broccoli in the steam bath at the buffet is not going to get it's feelings hurt if I don't eat it. A friend on Facebook MIGHT notice if I ignore one of their app invites, but more likely than not they aren't going to notice. But they WILL notice if I leave them a personal comment...

One thing I really like about the MySpace blogs and about pretty much any posting on Facebook is the ability to give a kudos or a like or thumbs up. Shows that a person was there, saw and paid attention if only for a second to what you were posting, and says "Rock on. I see you, keep doing what you're doing". It's a quick and easy way to let people know they aren't broadcasting to an empty room. It's really important to me because it seems like so many people DON'T let on that they've seen/heard/watched what people post. I see people out in real life after wondering if ANYONE was listening, and they say "Oh, I heard you a couple weeks ago on the radio!" and it always makes me feel so happy to know someone was paying attention after all the work I put in. But getting a little thumbs up does the same thing closer to the moment...

I wonder how much being decisive has to do with a person's confidence in the abundance of the universe? I think part of why I overdo it at buffets is I want to get my money's worth and I don't know when I'll get to experience this particular food again, so if something is really good, I want more in the moment. If I could be secure in the knowledge that the right food for me will always be there when I need it, and solid in the knowledge that more important than getting my money's worth is to get the proper nourishment's worth rather than overstuffing and feeling sluggish for the rest of the day, I think I'd be ahead by leaps and bounds in life.

I've been rather this way since I was a baby apparently - my mom said it was hard to get me to go to sleep because it seemed like I was always afraid of missing out on something. Right now the analogy popping to mind is the one about squeezing a handful of sand - the tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers! How can I go through more areas of my life with open hands? How silly of me to want to hold the whole beach! I can APPRECIATE the whole beach with my eyes and mind, and intimately, immediately enjoy what's right in front of me and in my hands. The fact that there's a whole beach and bazillions of grains of sand I can't possibly get to on a grain by grain basis doesn't mean I can't appreciate the whole.

Similar tactic I've heard when going to a museum - rather than trying to see EVERYTHING and getting burnt out - go into the room, glance around at everything from the center, or make a quick pass around it all, then see where you are drawn and take time to just BE with that one piece of artwork. More joy from less volume but higher quality. Yes.

I hope solidifying this realization is the first step to living it...

Elizabeth Gilbert on Creative Genius

OK, so enough people have been recommending this that I finally watched it, and I was really inspired by it! If you haven't seen it yet, here is the author of Eat, Pray, Love talking about creativity and how to help manage the fears you may have as a creative person:

Very Cool Coffee Art!