huh

I had an interesting day yesterday.

I made a list of things I wanted to get done, and I cranked through them. I actually managed to get nearly all of them finished. My guitar lesson didn't happen because my teacher didn't show. I guess she has a new job and we hadn't checked in about changing the time. I am not too worried about rescheduling, she's good about that, it's just a matter of finding a time that works for both of us, especially with me heading out of town for a week on Saturday afternoon. But I got a ton of stuff out in the mail, one package went out to a friend with a collection of stuff that I hadn't sent to her in years, including a thank you note from our wedding, yikes!

I dropped off some little Valentine chocolates to friends, I even did some work errands, fitting in an hour and a half where i thought maybe I wouldn't get to do anything.

I even made it to the pool for 30-40 minutes or so & got about 5 minutes in at the sauna. G got me a dozen pink roses (my favorite color) and I got him a cute balloon, but we didn't really do anything else special to celebrate Valentine's day.

The one other thing I didn't get done that was on my list was get the give-away clothes out of the house. I realized at the last minute that I could have even fulfilled that list item by at least bagging them up and bringing them to the car that night, but somehow just realizing I COULD have done that, seemed to let me off the hook for doing it.

By many accounts, I did really well yesterday, I was productive, caught up on a lot of backlog stuff. For much of the day I was feeling almost high at the prospect of spring, the sun was out, the snow was melting and the birds were chattering. But somehow on my way to the pool, I found myself really, really sad. Crying. I couldn't connect it to anything specific really. I was maybe a little bummed we didn't do anything very special for Valentine's, but I definitely didn't want to go out and eat a big meal after our crazy indulgent weekend, and we're about to go on a trip together to TX, so it seemed silly to go out anywhere with that big expense coming up, so I don't know what else I really would have wanted to do. As I gently poked around my mind and body trying to figure out the why, I also had the thought, "why is it so important to know WHY this is happening? What if you were just experiencing it and could be ok with that? Just release it and let it go. Does it really matter one way or another why as long as it gets out?"

I met with my herbalist today who said that the spring is the season of the liver, and that the liver is where we store sadness, so it may just be some of that happening. Maybe so. A lot is moving these days, a lot of energy is flowing, old stuff is leaving. I've got quite the itch to DO, it feels good when I actually get to do it. That's pretty natural for spring I think. The thaw. Literal and metaphorical. Maybe that's why we always talk about the weather. It seems trivial, but it's so connected to our life experience on so many levels...

Spring Dream

I had a dream last night that it was spring! All the forsythias & rhododendrons just popped into bloom on one beautifully warm day, and as I was driving around town I was so filled with delight as I passed each blooming shrub. They seemed to be extra bold, flowering explosively, it was shocking and amazing and wonderful. I wonder if any of it had to do with some big pieces falling into place yesterday on one of my big dreams... Not quite ready to share here yet, it's still rather delicate, but it feels so possible.

We really have turned the corner on winter though. I even thought maybe I saw some robins on the drive up to DM for my cousin's birthday, but I wasn't entirely sure. In any case, I know this is the time they are going to start coming, it's always February when I see them.

Happy

It's been happening to me more and more these days.  I'll be in the middle of whatever crazy thing I may be doing, and I'll stop, and smile inside and say to myself, "I'm happy."

I don't know what it is exactly.  Maybe my stars have changed.  Maybe I'm doing more things that feel "productive" and that makes me feel better about myself in general.  Maybe it's spring and the green and the birds and the blossom scented air.  Maybe I've been a tad more physically active.  Maybe some of those Peruvian healing rites are working.  Maybe keeping the goals blog is helping, even if I don't manage to get all of them done, it's more than I would have done without them.

I still feel a bit like I'm on a roller coaster.  Can't see around all the bends and I know there will be some more ups and downs.  I wish a few more things were solid so I didn't have to wonder, and there are still plenty of "shoulds" that frustrate me, plenty of inertia I'm battling.  I still get cranky and tired and keep myself up too late and don't eat enough of the right things.  But so many of the things I'm doing feel good, feel natural and right.  Even when I'd expect them to make me feel nervous, frazzled or stressed, they don't.  

I'm happy.

Green things!

It's been rainy and warm a lot the past few days and that precious green creep of the spring grass coming in has been making me smile. It's amazing how spring makes things so happy in so many ways!

Found a couple interesting Green living websites over the past few days too.

The first one 18seconds.org (apparently that's how long it takes to change a light bulb - who knew?) is about compact florescent light bulbs. I was glad to find it actually because we switched a bunch of our light bulbs out for CFL's but then heard from Stacy that they contained mercury which is really bad. But the website explains that a) it's a very small amount of mercury, and b) if you dispose of the bulbs properly they reclaim the mercury and it never goes out into the environment. I've added a badge down the right side of my page that's supposed to track how many people in your city have bought CFL's and the positive impact that's making.

The other thing I found through my friend Alexis' blog was Colin Beavan's blog about his year-long "no impact man" experiment. He's a writer in NYC and trying to live with his wife, 2 year old daughter and their dog and produce no net impact on the environment. So super reducing - no buying new stuff, food local to 250 miles, etc, and participating in trash pickups and charity or such to negate the impactful things they can't give up or get rid of. The whole thing is going to be a book and a documentary too. The idea also is not that they necessarily live like this forever, but that by completely committing to the experiment they will really know what they NEED to live and what they don't. Makes my few spiffy light bulbs look paltry by comparison and makes me feel a little guilty about going clothes shopping last weekend. He's getting backlash about it being a publicity stunt and such, but sheesh he's doing it, so that much less impact on the world, plus anything that gets ideas out there for people to consider - that seems more important to me, so I applaud it.

blooms

some of the flowering trees, and forcythia started yesterday or so. Lovely. I bought some flower seeds, although I couldn't find the nice orange thingys I had last year that did so well... don't even know what they are called. boo. Guess I ought to wait a bit to actually plant though. Got cold again today. Little bitty bits of snow here and there. ugh.

I forgot to mention

2 very simple but wonderful things that happened yesterday.

1) I saw the first crocuses in our front yard
2) I saw my first robin of this year outside my dad's house.

These are very important events to someone who lives through a long Iowa winter. (though it sounds like I got to skip the worst of it this year by going to Colombia!) Even though we may have even a month or so before Spring really kicks in to high gear, it's those little snippets of hope that keep me going. It's quite a rush actually, the renewal of spring. I think I would miss that if I lived in a warm climate year round... but I don't think I'd really miss the winter... hrm.

I can't find my Michelle Branch CD. Or my purple dress. Not that I am in a panic yet. Stupid room. I had these 2 pairs of pants that I literally forgot about having, I was really in a depressed mood about not having enough clothes, and then right before I go to Colombia, for whatever reason, I actually look in the laundry basket of if-you-ever-put-these-clothes-in-the-dryer-and-shrink-them-I-will-throw-a-temper-tantrum clothes, and there are 2 perfectly good pairs of pants! Although one pair I never wore the whole time there because A) they were all loose and flowey and totally out of the style there, and B)they were linen and wrinkly and I was afraid his mom wouldn't let me out of the house until I ironed them like she did to G the day he had to go visit his office. The difference between a mom and a girlfriend - a girlfriend tell you your pants are wrinkly and you should iron them, a mom won't let you out of the house until she irons them for you. :D ;-) but back to my room. Everyone just laughs at me whenever I complain -"Your room is always a mess!" It is NOT. always. just most of the time. and there are most certainly different degrees of messiness... and this is a particularly I've-been-back-for-two-weeks-and-I-can't-find-anything-and-I'm-not-sure-which-clothes-are-clean-or-dirty-anymore-so-getting -ready-for-work-in-the-morning-is-hard kind of a mess. I just might have to clean it.
So there.

Today over lunch my mom put on a tape of an Oprah show where Oprah took enough presents and clothes for 50,000 children in South Africa. My mom thought it was very inspiring how one person could make difference, I was depressed and overwhelmed by how many more kids and people must be out there suffering. (Stupid hormonal hijacking! I blame you for my half-empty attitude!) It is pretty damn cool what she did. It was in 2002... ah the power of money...